Look friend...you've come here for advice on how to end her affair and begin rebuilding your marriage.

And so far, you've really not given it much attention at all. These people are completely right in what they're saying about exposure. Heck, I did it without even KNOWING that it's a good plan to end an affair. But, I KNEW that none of my wife's family or friends would support her in her choice to go live with OM...and I wanted them to try to 'talk some sense into her'. Guess what...while it didn't quite work out like I'd planned, it DID drive home to her that what she was doing was WRONG, and that it was in no way justified!

My point...go and expose to the people who really can influence her to end her affair. Tell them that you know what is going on, and that you're asking their help in saving your marriage. You're not doing this to hurt her or OM...just trying to get your marriage back to where it needs to be. And then...before she hears about it...go tell your wife what you did, and why. And...tell her that you ARE spying on her. Because she's betrayed/destroyed your trust in her...and the only way she can rebuild that trust is by being trustworthy again. That means SHOWING you that she's being honest and up front in EVERYTHING again. If she's no longer hiding anything, then you SEEING that she's being honest is only good for both of you...period.

There's my thoughts. Hang in there.

I wanted to offer you some comfort as your wife challenges your masculinity. Last spring, my now FWW did the same thing and I researched the subject a little on the web.

I know how tough things are for you right now but your masculinity is not in question. A unmasculine man would have cut and run already...the mere fact you are sticking this out and trying is enough for me to know you are a strong man. Sure...you need to "man up" further and bust up this affair; but, I know all to well that this is a process and you're doing and not doing what you can. I am not applauding your failure to fully expose but I warn you...the faster you "man up" the quicker you will put this behind you. Expose, fully...today.

I tried to do things my way too. I tried to pick and choose the principles I applied to my sitch. However, I promise you that between "your way" vs. the proven and well worn narrow path prescribed by Dr. Harley which has been offered to you on this site there is no comparison. Take the path that offers the best chance of success. Make the path your PLAN which you stick to despite what your fogged out wife says or does. If nothing else it will give you some sanity and sense of control as you navigate through this madness. Become the MAN with a plan.

MASCULINITY:

1. I am a male by birth and a man by age, but I can only become masculine by maturity. I must accept myself as masculine.

2. Manhood does not come automatically or easily. It is something that is achieved.

3. I control my masculinity, though it can be perceived by WW as otherwise, it only CHALLENGES my masculinity IF I question it.

Good luck MAN,

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- I think I remember using number 3 last spring in reverse babble saying something to the effect of: "I am a man, thus, I am masculine...you can question it all you want but I'm not going to". She likely will change tactics if she no longer finds this attacking dialogue effective...that's when you confirm it was just a tactic in the first place to get you to LB or further justify her affair. Don't fall for it nor buy into any of it.

WW's family close friends, my family, her boss, her close friends, her family, our pastor, my best friends... they all know. It has been exposed. She exposed to a few and there was a chain reaction. There are some that still don't know, but what's the point?! All of this exposure happened over a month ago. The friends that disagree w/ her don't talk to her. Her boss is being supportive... if that is what you want to call it. Sue the school because of it's lack of real action? No thanks. That would make a nice story to tell my grankids: Grandma cheated on me, but when I exposed it to the world, and forced her boss to fire her, Grandma lost everyhting, and she realized what she had in me and us... WW should realize that now. Fog or no fog.
Marriage is supposed to be through tick or thin... sickness and health. We have problems.... most marriages do. Out of all the choices she had... she chose to run away.

The truth--- she's walked all over me most of our marriage. Me, the king of avoiding conflict, tried to make her happy, or not make her mad for one hour of love from her ---or one day of true affection. Now I get nothing. How pathetic that I want to save a marriage like that. Me: the kind, momma's boy, peacekeeping, passive guy. WW: the angry, selfish, spoiled, daddy's girl...

so guys... what next? stand up to her and move out...
she wants that...
She says that if she was sick, wouldn't I do everything to help.

She thinks she's "sick" that moving out will help...

I'm not moving...
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
How do I stand up to her? And why should I stand up for a marriage that has nothing...

Look...to begin with YOU need to decide what YOU want out of this.

Do you want to fight for your marriage and try to reconcile through this?

Or do you want to end it now?

Make up your mind friend...because the two options are mutually exclusive...you can't do both. It just don't work.

So...decide now if you want to fight for your marriage or if you want to end it. If you decide to fight for it, then keep posting. This is marriagebuilders...the people here are people who have FOUGHT for their marriage, and have tons of experience and advice to augment the plan provided by the Harleys.

If you've decided to end it, then there is always the Divorcing forum on this site to help you out with that.

I can't tell you an answer to "How do I stand up to her? And why should I stand up for a marriage that has nothing...". That's up to YOU to figure out.

How do you KNOW that she exposed to all of these people? Have you talked with them yourself? THEY told you that they already knew? Or did SHE tell you this? Remember that anyone involved in an affair will LIE about anything to avoid the truth...this is a given.

If they knew and didn't tell you and didn't advise her to end it and work things out, it sounds like a fine bunch of people to me!!! But, my money says that SHE told you this...I'd suggest you go verify what they know/don't know. Even if she DID talk to them...odds are high that she lied about what was going on in a number of ways.

How do you stand up to her? Expose, make it clear to her that you are NOT going to leave, that you are NOT going to give up, and that you are NOT going to end your marriage. If SHE wants to do so, you can't stop her...but you're not going to help her in any way to do so either.

Read up on Plan A here...become a guru on it, and start applying it NOW!!!

That's your best answer as I know it at least.

PD...

So don't sue...but at least write a letter to the superintendent exposing the affair and inquiring what he/she will do...

The lesson to your grandchildren would be that you kept your integrity by doing all that was in your power to save your marriage...Marriage and family IS that important...You LOVED and ADORED their grandmother through it all...You stood for what is right and just...that though times may change, MORALS NEVER DO!!! A great lesson for children, IMHO...I say you "Man Up" and fight for your marriage, BUT...

As Owl points out, it's up to you...


Mrs. Wondering

So how's that working for you?

These sound like your issue, not hers?

Get IC and work on your issues, focus on you and becoming the best person, husband, father you can be. Plan A is about this and will be more effective if you do this. You may feel beaten down but you truly only are if you continue to continue your life as a victim.

Your wife cheated on you. Nobody can change that. It is your life experience. I don't expect you to get over it today or tomorrow but only you can CHOOSE what you do with the rest of your life. You either proceed or remain stuck...up to you.

Last May was the worst and best month of my life and our marriage. It's all a matter of perception. Regardless of whether your marriage works out or not, you can and will become a better person because of this AND in spite of this. A reconciled healty wonderful marriage is attainable is worth the effort.

Just try, you may fail, you may not...but the courage is in the trying.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.-not that happy with this post, just not that clear...sorry, but I got to go.