I just need anothers viewpoint on something...
My FWW and I set boundaries for her. One being she wont eat with another male by herself. I dont mind if there is a group or at least more than the two of them. Does this seem too strict? Anyways today on the phone she told me she went to lunch with her boss at her new job. Its like dejavu. At least she was honest with me about it but still.... Her A with was someone from upper management at her last place of employment. I feel like she doesnt care about the boundaries we set after her A. I just need some insight from a females point of view, or anybody for that matter.
thanks

Gearhead,

I would just say, give your W the benefit of the doubt in that she may not have had the choice to go to lunch with her boss, especially if it is a new job. I know that sometimes my Boss has asked if I wanted to go to lunch, sometimes I have felt obligated to go. Other times, I have not and have declined.

I would discuss this with her tonight. Be calm. Ask her how it happened, did he invite her only? Did he invite others and no one else would go? Find out how it happened.

Then explain to her how you feel and tell her that she needs to make sure it does not happen again. She can make sure she brings lunch with her so that she has a builtin excuse (No, thanks, I have my lunch). She can make plans to go out on her own (No thanks, I have plans, to run errands, whatever).

It may not have been intentional to overstep your boundary on this. Like I said, she may not have felt she had a choice.

Hope that helps!

--------------------
BW (Me) 38
FWH (40)
Married 14 yrs
DS 4/2000
DD 12/2002
DD 8/2005
PA 1/05 - 9/12/05
D-Day 10/13/05
Status: Trying to rebuild

I agree with your boundaries. But IMVHO, I'd let this *one* slide. Being it is a new job, I'd understand the need to build a "little" commraderie with the boss (so long as other "singled out" lunches are not forthcoming). Perhaps dw was unprepared as to what to say to avoid this, and now she knows to have a lunch avoidance excuse ready. At least dw not only had honesty to tell you, but felt safe enough to be honest.

the question is: can you be ok with this one incedent, so long as it isn't repeated (as in EVER, unless the POJA is deemed to need ammending)? What does dw think of the incedent? Is dw ok with this? Or would she be more comfortable finding a job w/ a female boss?

Gearhead, this one has my radar screaming. My own WH is that very same boss who just *loved* to take all the ladies to lunch, either separately or in groups. He destroyed our marriage with this kind of stuff. And don't fall for that "we're in a group so it's okay" crapola. He would put four cute young things in his car and they'd all go out together. Blech.

IMO, socializing off-site is completely out of bounds and totally unnecessary.

If they are in a public place like a restaurant, then you should be welcome there, too. If you aren't, ask why.

If they insist it's because they need "privacy" to discuss "work," then ask them why the f*** their company even bothers to build offices since clearly all they need is a restaurant or a bar to "work" in.

Sorry to be so blunt - but DO NOT FALL FOR THIS!!!!!
Mulan

Thanks for all your replies. This is somebody she has known for about a year or so. He worked at her last job and hired her on with the company he just started. I dont think there is anything there, but I never thought what "did happen" before, ever would have....

Gearhead,

How did your talk go with your wife last night?

It went OK. She said she understood why I was hurt by what she did. She kept thinking that I was mad, but I wasnt - i was hurt. Anyways here's a brief email she sent me before we got home and talked about it...

"I needed to get away from the office b/c we had tech people in our faces all day and they were keeping me from doing my job which was making me stressed b/c we have soooo much to do. So when I asked him he said he was starving and that he too needed to get away from the office, so we went and ate at (a mexican restraunt). It wasn't a very exciting lunch, but I did get to find out some information on what was happening with the company. He was on his cell most of the time, thats why I called you b/c I was bored."

The thing that bothers me is that we have set boundaries before - i.e. right after the exposure of the A and she broke those boundaries by coming in contact with him at work and talking to him behind my back. But.... I guess can somewhat let that slide b/c she was still in the "fog". I even told her she could talk to him but to let me know about it - but she continued to lie about it and be deceitfull. Anyways, I've worked past that and Im now working on the present.

Gearhead,

Thanks for the update...good for you on working past this...I am glad she was honest with you. This is what you want...you want her to feel safe in telling you these things and reward her honesty instead of getting upset with her..

Does she have a plan in place so that this doesn't happen in the future? I have had lunches with male coworkers alone and believe me, that was all it was...Now that I have experienced infidelity, I view everything in a different light. I'm glad that you are working on the present!