|
|
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 237
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 237 |
Hurting, you CAN get through this. I know how hard it is to listen to their nonsense talk but you have to remember that is exactly what it is. A few days ago I said "I can't do this" and you told me to be strong and that I could. You were right. Reach inside yourself and you will find a way to make it through. Prayers and hugs coming your way. You are an awesome lady!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 833
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 833 |
((( Hurting )))
3 Hours 45 min to go...
You CAN do this. You have grown stronger than you know through this crucible.
You have many people here who are praying for you and wishing you strength.
You don't need to scream at him to tell him what a fool he is being. Just be the dignified one. Let him do the ranting. You already know that it's all fog babble. Give the babble all the consideration it is due: NONE!
We're all pulling for you here!
Stay Strong!
WTF
*** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 764
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 764 |
hurting, I am thinking of you right now. He did say that the divorce will likely happen and to stay in planb for at least the 2 year time limit. He felt that once the affair is over WH may try and come back and for me to keep the door open for at least 2 years.
He said the other thing is once WH realizes he will lose me or I have found someone else is when wH will try to come back. I have to tell you. IF I had found this site prior to my divorce or just after D-day I may not have ever gotten back with my now W. That is because there was a lot of truth to the above. It was less than two years. I never wanted to believe that it was because I actually had found someone new, which I had. It was not a replacement by any means but someone who I cared for deeply and who was "in love" with me. My W said at the time that she "Acted because she felt it might be too late".....and there is a part of me that feels like a fool for allowing it to happen that way. Your post has made me admit it to myself..... does it change how I feel about her? No. And I guess that is what counts. I wish you the best hurting.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609 |
You all have no idea how much all of the support means to me.
I know I will make it through this.....
I never thought in a million years I would ever be were i am today.
I can't stop the tears, and i have not cried in weeks over this mess.
I will be ok, I can do this......
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 2,333
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 2,333 |
Hurting,
I have been following your thread for awhile. No advice... but I just want you to know I'll be praying for you today.
Me: 41, INFP
Her: 46, ESFJ
Married 6/95
B-G Twins
4 yrs recovered from serious neglect on my part.
So happy together!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609 |
Send,
I have to say to you that I read your story when you posted it and it moved me.
You went through so much in your ife and made it.
Your story of your marriage and now the remarriage to your W has given me some hope that it can and does happen.
I know in time I could change and decide I don't want him back or ever try and save us. But for now I can't say that.
I just wanted to say you are an ispiration to me and many others that things can work out even after a divorce if thats what we still want.
Again thank you to everyone for the prayers and encouragement. If not for finding this web site I truly don't know where I would be today. This place has been a god send to me, a place to vent and cry. All of you have helped me grow stronger and able to see things so much clearer.
Hurting
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609 |
Well the mediation is over and man was it something. Not as bad as I thought it would be at all. In fact some parts were down right funny as WH made a fool of himself and it was all I could do not to laugh at him....So this post may be a little long as I try to put everything in it. So don't say I didn't warn ya ......
I arrrived at the court house and WH wa already there. The mediator was running late so we sat in the office by ourselves. WH would not say anything and was pretending to read th paper which is something he does not do. He would not look at me at all . So I sat there for a minute and decided to be the better person. so I started a conversation.
BS: So how are you ?
WH: I am doing great.
BS: Well thats good but are you sure? You don't look so good,you seemed to have gained some w eight and gotten grayer.
WH: No I have no gained any weight.
BS: Well if you say so.... ( Believe me he gained some weight)
About this time the mediator got there and we went into the room. The mediator expalined the pprocess and we got started. First question was to WH so do you want this divorce? WH right off the bat says yes I do but she doesn't. So he the asked me, I said I never wanted to be here , so no I really do not want this divorce but since it is happening I am going to protect myself and my children.
So anyhow the mediator then asked me what I was wanting from WH. I started telling him and said wait a minute i have it all written down , so I proceded to pull out my list and start reading. As I was listing everything WH started squirming in his chair and his face turned all shades of red from being mad. He got the ugliest looks I ever saw. I am going to make my list here and put his responses to the side:
1: Alimony - $$$$ per month WH I will not pay alimony as she has two jobs and is not cripple or anything...
2: Child support- $$$$ per month, WH I have no problem paying that.
3: Rehablitative Education Expenses for me- WH I will not pay that. Why should I pay for her to go to school when it will not benifit me. If she would not go while we were together why should I now.
4: SS Death Benifits- WH why does she deserve that I won't agree.
5: Life Insurance Policy- WH I agree to that as I have already thought of it.
6: Attorney Fees mine- WH I will pay those no problem ( He has no clue how much they are) lol
7: 4021K- I will give her half even though she does not deserve it she was not the one who wrked for it...
And last but not least the best of all, the one that drove him nuts and to anger and more lies ............
8: I request that he pay for me to have STD and HIV testing done: WH flipped out. Why should I pay for that? My response was" Well WH you should pay this because I feel I eed to be safe and know I have no STD since we have had SF since you have been having your affair. " Now be ready for his response to this... are ya ready????? He says " BS you don't have anything I never had sex with OW until after the LS papers and our court date. " I almost fell out of the chair and the mediator looked at him and was shocked.
Of course you know I had to say something I just could not keep quiet... I said " So you are telling me you have lived with this woman since July and was seeing her in June and you have not had sex with her until Dec? Is this what you are saying?" He said "Yes." I almost laughed in his face.... I said " Well I have a hard time believing that since I do know how you are and SF is one of your top needs. " He said well believe it.... So I just let it drop...
Anyhow the mediator was asking WH his reason for the divorce and of course they were the, she pushed me away and was depressed and would not do anything about it. She hid on th computer and didn't pay enough attention to me and on and on.... The mediator asked me about these things and I told him yes what he says happened but the stress in our home with so many people and me loosing a job just was to much and I did withdraw from him. But if he had come to me and really told me how he was feeling I would have done everything to try and fix it counseling and all.
So the mediator asked was I in counseling nowbefore I could say anything WH said yes she is after its to late. Every since he dad dies she changed. Mediator then tried to explain the 5 stages of grief to WH and how some people get stuck on stage and sometimes it takes years to get past it. Well WH was having none of that. He didn't like it because he was being told basically instead of doing what he should have and helping he walked away. The mediator said WH what if you both went to counseling would you even try to make this marriage work? WH said I don't need counseling and its to late.
WH then said I didn't leave BS because of this other woman I am seeing. So the mediator said to him well let me ask you this, If your wife had paid more attention to you and talked to you about how she was feeling were would you be now? WH said probably still home. We could have worked it out. I was floored by this. He was asked do you plan on getting married to this other woman and WH said no.
Anyhow as time was going on I noticed WH started looking at me and smiling. It was not an evil smile it was a smile of someone who liked what they saw. In fact as I passed him in the hall way going to the bathroom he looked me up and down and just smiled.
So right before this was all over he said to the mediator "She is asking for all these things so she can scam money out of me and I am not going to pay it." I looked at the mediator and said " No this is not about scamming anyone this is about protecting myself and my child. I never wanted his money I wanted my husband and my marriage. But WH decided to not even try. So now I have to think of myself and my son."
So while the mediator was writting his summery WH started asking me about my family and what has happened with DD and the police thing. I told him nothing so far with DD , he said well then I am going to call and find out why nothing has been done yet. I told him that was no necessary I could handle this on my own.
So now the judge will be the deciding factor in all of this since the alimony thing is in the air. So as we left we were in the same elevator and not a word was said. We got off and he went out one door and I went out the other. He was angry wit hall tha twas said and done. I made it very clear to the mediator he was having an affair and thats why we were there.
I know i have not gotten all of this in here but this is the jest of it and I did have a few tears but nothing dramatic, and they were in the right places.
I am pretty sure that I will be the topic of conversation tonight and being called all kinds of names. But you know what who cares. I stood up for myself and did not back down. I know WH was shocked and sure didn't expect all he was hit with. And the mediator just looked at him like he was nuts by some of what he said. The mediator really tried to talk him into MC and holding off to see if we could work things out, but WH was having none of that.
I am surprised at myself I came out of there feeling just fine, Iknow WH was angry and confused at many things. So now I hope he takes it out on OW.
Oh yeah he was asked about custody of DS, WH said DS can decde were he wants to live he is old enough. I said DS is very happy and content were he is. He does not want to move in with WH and OW.
So guys how did I do? I know I left some things out but if I remember something important I will add it later....
Again thanks to all of you for the support and prayers, they really helped and went a long ways. And needless to say as I kept looking at WH today I wanted to bust out laughing so mnay times but I bit my tongue... Oh yeah and I looked Hot as well....... lol
Hurting
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,182 |
Hurting.... I think you did good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. I LMAO at the fact that your WH agreed to pay for legal fees without having any idea how much it is. HE is still in the fog! I think you did good. I don't see how you could have done better. I think OW is trying to hold on to him and it will get to him soon. I have this nagging feeling that he is partly doing this out of stuborness and wants you to beg him again. I think he may think he will break you! He has no clue!!!! I pray that he sees the light...... Enjoy your weekend. Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 2,424
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 2,424 |
I arrrived at the court house and WH wa already there. The mediator was running late so we sat in the office by ourselves. WH would not say anything and was pretending to read th paper which is something he does not do. He would not look at me at all . So I sat there for a minute and decided to be the better person. so I started a conversation.
BS: So how are you ?
WH: I am doing great.
BS: Well thats good but are you sure? You don't look so good,you seemed to have gained some w eight and gotten grayer.
WH: No I have no gained any weight.
BS: Well if you say so.... ( Believe me he gained some weight) Hurting, We (H & I & friend) can't stop laughing at this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> This was sooooo good!! Orchid has taught you well!! I'll read the rest when I stop laughing. Lady
Last edited by ladysheep; 03/03/06 08:13 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 767
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 767 |
Great Job, Hurting! You did wonderful! You're not a weakling, that's for sure! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And it sounds like the OW will be waiting for that ring, alot longer than she thought!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Good for you, Hurting! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200 |
Hurting-
Good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You did awesome!!!! Amazing strength you showed today(& I like your reverse babble too!!!)
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609 |
Well guys I tried my hardest. Like I said a few tears did fall but they were appropriate tears at the right times.
I did forget to put something in the summary. When WH was talking about me scaming his money from him he told the mediator " I know what BS is doing she figures if she hits me for enough money I will come back instead of paying it, well I am not going back and I am not paying it." I just looked at him and said " Well if thats what you think your wrong, this is about me taking care of our family not scamming anything from you. Someone has to take care of DS and it looks like its me that has to be the adult here."
He pretty much shut up after that. lol
Again thanks all .......
Hurting
P.S. I do think I kinda threw him for a loop today. I think he thought I was gonna wimp out but I refused to back down and it made him mad for sure. I can only imagine what is being said tonight.
Last edited by hurtinginokla; 03/03/06 08:54 PM.
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 2,424
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 2,424 |
Hurting you did so good today....You had everything together. 1: Alimony - $$$$ per month WH I will not pay alimony as she has two jobs and is not cripple or anything... Did you mention here what Harley told you to say...mentioning that you have been a SAHM all these years, until WH left and will need the money for you and the family to help pay the bills, even though you do have both jobs. You will be moving in the near future therefore bills will probably be more. As far as him accusing you of scamming...I'm sure the mediator could see right through that. Oh yeah after all these years and 3 children, he actually thinks someone is gonna believe you are scamming for his money, like he's rich or something! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I also hope he went home feeling like a jerk after the talk the mediator had with him about your depression. What does MIL think about all this? Lady
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 371
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 371 |
You did it... yeah, good job. I bet you are glad that it is behind you.
Did he look happy to you ? Did you feel detached a little ? So proud of you !!!
Now what ??
My very best to you, car
Me - BS 55
WH/FWH 50
OW 30
Much evidence says that my H was/is
deeply involved in a very long term PA
Prolly will never know much more than that
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609 |
Oh yeah I told the mediator about having move now and all of that ...... He asked why I had to move and I explained why... I said I will need the money to be able to afford a decent place to live.
MIL is proud of me yet concerned the WH once he figures out just how much this is gonna cost him will be let go by the OW and he will have no place to go and try and fall back on her. Like I told her I will not abandon him no matter what as he is the father to my children. Even if we don't make it I still care and will help him if I can.
Nope not a happy looking person at all. He looks like ****** actually. I felt somewhat detached but yet the feelings came back to me and I just wanted to hug him and hold him and make things right.
Now its up to a judge unless WH decides to cooperate and give me what I want. and now we have to wait for a judge which could be well into next month....
So this is were we stand for now ......
Hurting
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 2,424
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 2,424 |
What about Health & Dental Ins.? Does WH have that for you and DS?
Last edited by ladysheep; 03/03/06 10:31 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609 |
Nope he has to put DS on it but once a divorce goes through I have to get my own.....
My new job has it once I become full time... So I can get my own ....
I swear Lady he is so far out there its not funny ..... I kinda felt sorry for him today because he is so confused and lost....
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 2,424
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 2,424 |
I swear Lady he is so far out there its not funny ..... I kinda felt sorry for him today because he is so confused and lost.... It is sad to see him like that... I know. The confusion can get real bad, he's not in his right mind. It's a deep deception what he's in right now. Thankfully you don't have to see him on a daily basis like that. But if he ever does comes home you can see what you will be dealing with for a while. It's sad to watch someone you love so much just loose who he was so fast. It can go along with "he who gains the whole world can loose his own soul." That is what you are seeing, is his soul being lost. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609 |
I know Lady and it breaks my heart to see it.... But I can do nothing about it thats for sure...
He still blames me for it all. I was shocked by his comment though today when the mediator asked him what if your wife had just shown you some more attention and kept talking to you about her problems where would you be now and he said at home...... All he had to do was talk to me Lady and this would have never happened. Why couldn't he do it????
I told him today I felt like I ahd to stop telling him how i w as feeling by being depressed because I saw the pain on his face not knowing what to do and I wanted to stop his pain... and I thought by not telling him I was helping him.... So much miscommunication with both of us.... such stupid things we could have fixed so easy with help...
I even said to the mediator I know how much my husband loved me and was devoted and i did make mistakes but not bad enough for this and not bad enough for him not to try and save our marriage..... I hope he heard me and it will play in his head sometimes and he can think about it all...
I pray something clicks in him soon ..... before he is to far gone
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 2,424
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 2,424 |
He still blames me for it all. I was shocked by his comment though today when the mediator asked him what if your wife had just shown you some more attention and kept talking to you about her problems where would you be now and he said at home...... Don't blame yourself Hurting, he had the responsibility to ask and talk to you about it. I mean you two have been married 24yrs, I'm sure there was worse times than that throughout those years and he didn't have an A before now. He should have been more understanding of your depression. So no excuses for him!! I do understand what you mean by thinking you were protecting his feelings by not talking to him. You didn't want to burden him. I've done that myself. His A was not the answer though. So much miscommunication with both of us.... such stupid things we could have fixed so easy with help... I hear you....same here. You've realized that, unfortunately WH hasn't yet. I hope something clicks in him too and quick. Lady
|
|
|
|
1 members (jaguar),
167
guests, and
48
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,620
Posts2,323,477
Members71,936
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
