This has been a question that has bothered me lately. Just recently have I begun to have an 'interest' in people again. At least in a dating sense. And normally, I'm pretty much a 'say what you mean, and mean what you say' kind a gal. AKA, I don't usually read into things....I take them more for face value.

But I've noticed that with the two people I've been 'interested' in (dating only - I haven't made it to the R-word yet), I tend to 'read into' their messages.

For instance....If I ask him "Are you going to XYZ function at XYZ place tomorrow night?", and he answers "I didn't know about it, but probably not.".....I immediately feel a twinge of rejection and think... well, he just shot down that opening.

Thing is...I don't know if he did or not. We flirt...sometimes we try to get together (but often our schedules conflict)...we are clearly attracted to each other. So why do I read into this type of thing so readily? I don't read into things with my friends.

Does it likely have something to do with feeling 'vulnerable' and 'putting myself out on a limb?' Cognitively, I know I don't want a full blown relationship at this immediate moment. But I really would like to get to know these 'interests' better. If I don't (or if they don't feel the same way), I know I'm still happy - and I'm good with that. So why all the emotion and worry?

Gosh....it's just been so long since I've done this dating thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

[color:"green"]LIT,
I don't know much about your marital history, so I don't know whether you felt this way about your ex or not.

Is it possible that the type of person you are attracted to is not someone who says what they feel? If so then you may be "reading" a conflicting message between body language and what comes out of the person's mouth.

V. [/color]

Hi sunny,

Actually, no....I've never really felt so much like this before. Half of this (I know) is my battle. I'm 'on guard' to an extent with these people. Prior to my D, I was almost too open. Always blindly trusting, and many times, getting into situations that were not healthy. Anybody could 'tell' me how they felt (even if it was a lie) and I would believe them wholeheartedly.

I am not so trusting now.

For a while, I would not open up to, or trust anybody....but now I am starting to again. Still not quite to a healthy balance, but I am working my way.

With regards to this latest gentleman, I am attracted to what I know about him so far. The trick is that I really don't know much about him at this point. But I wouldn't mind getting to know him. This is a big step emotionally for me.

But we both have extremely busy schedules (his moreso than mine), and I'm pretty certain he isn't on the lookout for a hard core committment right now. Of course, neither am I. We flirt when we see each other (we work in the same building), body language can sometimes indicate that he is interested....but again....we work in the same building, so are not always 'free' with our language. And if I come straight out and ask him if he would like to do something, he always says 'yes.' But then he never picks a day. I've offered an actual day a couple of times - once he was out of town, the second (which was last minute by me), he was going to Dallas with his father. So there we are.....

This week, he asked me to go out one night, but he was on call (as was I), and at the end of the night, it was too late for us to get together. He said we would do it another night, but did not offer another date or time.

All of this, I'm actually OK with. I like my life now, and while I might be slightly disappointed if I did not get the chance to know him better, it definitely wouldn't be the end of my world <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> As to how he feels.... I won't be able to figure out what he's thinking, or what's going on in his head until I can actually ask him. And I really don't think it's time to discuss that since we've only been out twice, and whatever we have is certainly in it's infancy.

I'm kind of more curious as to why I feel differently when someone I'm interested in (as opposed to 'just friends' with) responds a certain way. If a friend cancelled and didn't give another date, it would not affect me in the least. However, if he does it, I feel vulnerable.

I just wonder why this is....

LIT,
I think you've answered your own questions in your posts...
1) you used to believe others wholeheartedly, now you are learning to trust yourself, which is new and different to you
2) you are not so trusting now, you evidently have learned something and have been hurt, so it normal that you would feel vulnerable and less trusting
3) you used to just be more "say it like it is" and now you are maybe learning to say things in a different way.

To me, it's clear. It's all new to you. You have to learn to trust yourself and from what I'm assuming (and you know what they say about that!), trusting yourself is new to you... am I right?
So, give yourself a break! You're doing fine!
WHY do we (yes, we, I do too!) get more vulnerable with a guy we are interested than we are with our friends? I think a couple of reasons.
One, our friends have proven we can trust them.
two, we don't have as much invested in our friends. In an intimate (or possible intimate) relationship, we have more to invest, more to lose.
Hope that makes sense. I don't think I'm communicating very well here!
The point I want to get across is to trust yourself and don't give more than you need to at first-take it slow and trust your gut. Somewhere along the line you lost that and it was probably always there and you werent listening to it!!