My husband and I will be married for 2 years on March 20th. But we can't seem to make it work. I found out a few months ago that he sneaks around and watches porn and talks to other women on the chat line (but he doesn't just leave the convo on the chat line he talks to these women on his cell in the middle of the night when i'm sleeping). He says their just friends and he talks just wants to talk, but when I ask him to talk to me he never has anything to talk about. I also found out that he was talking to women about sex, I saw in his pocket pc where he had talk to women and he wrote down their breast sizes and how they like to have sex. We've had this problem to many times for him to keep doing it, especially when he know how it makes me feel. I also found out that he was still talking to his ex. I read an e-mail that she had wrote to him saying how she dreamed about having sex with him and all kinds of stuff. SHe also told him that I slept with his best friend in high school, which is a lie because he is the only person that I have been with sexually in my whole life. ANd the fact that he really believed her really hurt. He went so far as to have his cell phone bill mailed to his job so I wouldnt know who he was talking to. He says that we don't mesh well and that we always fight. We used to fight alot in high school and college but since we've been married I dont think we've fought that much, but when we do fight it's usually because he's doing something like this. I left once for about 2 weeks and he told me to come back and we would work on it. I knew nothing would change but I thought I would try, and nothing changed of course. Now he's saying that we have so many problems that he wants to be alone and I don't know if I should leave or try to make it work... AGAIN
Please help

Welcome to MB. You are my first reply. Have you quietly expressed this concern to your husband ? Have you read any of the material on this site ? Has your H ? There seems to be more of an involvement than just porn. I have looked at porn before. If my W held my hand gave me that "come hither"
look, kissed me and said "You don't need that" and then we had SF with each other I would have thought about giving it up.

Please know that you are entitled to your feelings. You have been wronged. You've been left out of what should be an intimate and holy part of your marriage. This is his problem, not yours. Hope you can get to counseling because you need someone on your side. I believe your husband has sexual addiction issues. You can take him with you if he will go, but he probably won't. People with addictions like to maintain their addiction. He may even blame you for his behavior so that he won't have to take responsibility for it. If he won't go to counseling, you should see an addiction counselor who will help you deal. This is not your fault and is about him, not you. Good luck.

I hope I didn't make anyone think that you were wrong.

loviskind is right IMHO

You are entitled to your feelings - I would suggest that you not be confrontational - simply quietly express your feelings, let him know your concerns. Let him also know you have a plan that can enrich both of your lives. Ask him to participate in an enthusiastic marriage where SF does not need porn and fantasy but can be real between the two of you.

Okay I will first say been there done that. I am assuming you are young and that you are still discovering who you are as he is too. I am by no means a professional but I have been to many counselors and to different forums other than this one, and know one thing to be true. Usually if there is an issue in a relationship (between two people) and it cannot be resolved easily, it is the fault of both parties.

First of all when my husband was exploring the wide world of porn (that I introduced to spice up a lacking sex life), he did not use it because I was unattractive or even bad in bed but because I was lacking in many areas of the relationship. He says that he got an ego boost from his exploration and the attention he got from these other women IE Love Bank deposits.

The reason he is having his bill directed to work is because he knows that you will look at it if it comes to the house and no that is not right but you are not making him feel comfortable because you are investigating. I know that you feel that is the only way to know what is going on but it is very invasive to him.

Do you think that your marriage is good enough to salvage? You really have to want that in order to progress forward. I have just read the articles offered in this forum and they are something I could have used "big time" when I was in year two of marriage and my husband became obsessed with porn and communicating online with other women. I probably would have realized how I may have caused that to happen.

I hope you are looking at these great articles. They basically state the obvious that so many of us are oblivious to. Look at all of the articles like Love Busters and Conflict.....all of them, because it sounds like you guys are having huge issues. Have him join you, which I am proposing to my husband when he gets home this weekend. I am actually scared what his responses about me are, but I am ready to hear his side (my husband is communicationally challenged). I am scared what he will say about me, but I am ready. Are you ready to face the reality of who you are? Is your hubby ready to face himself and you? I hope this helps and if it doesn't maybe a senior advisor on this forum will be more helpful. They seem to be very insightful.

I was married to my husband at 21 and we have beat a few of the odds on young marriages, and I look forward to our love going into elderly years "till death do us part".

Hi, OL2M,

I wanted to suggest a different view of your H's behavior.

Sexual addiction.

We're human and we use many forms of addictions to cover up stuff inside of us...distract us. Your H may have hidden beliefs about marriage (sex ends at the altar), fear of abandonment (you're gonna leave anyway), fear of intimacy (you won't love the real me), sexual abuse in his past and needing to keep secrets...

None of these would be about you. Everyone's advice here is solid and would do a marriage well to incorporate it.

You've been together a long time...he is your first real love. There are many things to salvage here, the best reason being that love doesn't run. Doesn't replace.

A professional counselor could help you understand the dynamics at work and would be worth your marriage to attend.

The best piece of advice on MB is that when you consider leaving a marriage, if you don't do all that you can to save it, your commitment, your vows...you don't get a do over. You can't walk away with all the lessons and be proud you did everything you could. Harley's know your marriage can thrive. Doesn't take but one to save a marriage.

Your choice.

LA