As some of you may remember, I've been in Plan B for two months. Things are going fine, if you can call "no change whatsoever" fine.

Today, I had one of those nasty little doubts creep up my spine and make me feel very insecure.

A little tiny bit of background about me. My mother was a truly extraordinary woman, but she had to grow up quickly, and get tough quickly. She didn't cry, indeed couldn't even bring herself to cry even when desperately sad, and I only ever saw her cry once, when her oldest son died. I learnt many valuable lessons from her, but the worst lesson I ever learnt was how to behave during conflict with my H. My mother believed that women who cried in front of their Hs when the Hs hurt them or screwed up were trying to manipulate them. So, when my H did things that hurt me, or when I was upset, I never cried. I withdrew. I didn't want to talk to him. I never needed anything from him when I felt like this, I just needed to be left alone to process and deal with my feelings, and then I'd be OK and ready to come to him and talk and put the incident behind us. He never quite understood this, however, even though I told him many times that it was an internal process and I didn't hold him accountable. But it never sank in. He saw it as "ignoring" and went into what I call "little boy mode", trying to please me, so I would stop ignoring me.

Sure, it was unhealthy. At the time, I didn't know better.

Well... when this whole thing blew up, he told me that this behavior was the worst thing I had ever done to him, that it hurt him more than anything else I could have done, and deeply traumatized him. It was, he said, "emotional abuse".

So today it occurred to me: is it possible that he sees Plan B as more "ignoring", more "emotional abuse"? In my PBL, I told him that this wasn't some sort of game I was playing, and I would not suddenly become rude and ignore him, but given his state of mind, I'm wondering whether he would still see it this way. And even if he was thinking rationally, he never understood that my behavior all those years was about ME and never about him.

Someone please give me some opinions and perspective here, I'm quite at a loss.

Try not to doubt yourself now.

Your WH is not thinking rationally NOW about the type of wife you were or the problems in your marriage.

The way I see it is that THE OLD MARRIAGE IS GONE FOREVER..upon reconciliation, if it occurs for you, RT, you will have to make a NEW MARRIAGE, learning from the past but building an entirely new relationship...

Sad to say..but that OLD RELATIONSHIP has to be grieved..just like a death...

Now is not the time to have regrets over things you can do absolutely nothing about.

He is not out there THINKING ABOUT AND PROCESSING what is going on..He is into PURE FEELING..TRYING TO LIVE IN ECSTASY..LIKE SNORTING CRACK...YUK!!!

It's hard. I know. Hang in there.

Now is a good time to practice openly getting in touch with your feelings. Do this FOR YOURSELF now....

RT,

Mimi is right. You can't doubt yourself now.

I think we all do that I know i have. You did the best you could with what you knew..

Its all up to him how he reacts or doesn't react. Keep up the good work it will pay off for you in the end. You will be ok no matter what happens..


Hurting

Thanks Mimi and Hurting.

I guess I should explain: I'm not recriminating myself over this. I was doing the best I could, at any given time, and when this blew up I apologized with all my heart, and promised to change (which I did), even though it made no difference to his decision to leave, or come back. I did it because it had to be done, regardless, and I'm better for it. I repented and sorted it out with my Father and have put the past behind me.

But at this point I'm just wondering whether if these are his beliefs of me (he cannot or will not believe I've changed), whether Plan B will drive him FURTHER away, because to him it will be just like the old behaviour he so detested. You know, not a condition with choices attached, but rather more "silent treatment".

Plan B has one very very strong boundary that is different than any other boundary ever given to a spouse..

Plan B says
softly with action..

I will not partake in a triangular relationship with myself ......

I will NOT do that....

all the other issues.....pre and post marrital affairs...etc...
can be dealt with..

when and ONLY when there is no longer a triangle...

for truly with a OP in the picture what is the point...

that makes plan B different from any other conversation...

ARK

RT-

It's normal to have these doubts. I understand it all too well, but Mimi, Ark and hurting are right......don't beat yourself up over something you can't change right now.

My Mom was a very strong woman, much like the description of your mother, and it was a downfall for me as well. I HAD to control the situation and I rarely cried....I was too strong for that and my Mom would have seen it as weakness.

I went to counseling for a long time, and the result was I was internalizing all the hurt/anger and it was tearing me apart. I WAS NOT happy with the results of counseling initially.....because I was FEELING everything and it sucked. I got really upset one time during a group session because I thought I was in counseling to feel better, and I was absolutely feeling like crap. I said "THIS IS CRAZY!!! There is NO WAY that people go around *FEELING* everything like this!!!! They wouldn't be able to get anything else done!"

They said I'd be good in the military, because to me life is a battle all the time.

It was horrible at first, because I used to translate EVERYTHING into anger, and now I didn't have that defense mechanism, so I was just a quivering puddle of goo.

Now, I don't react the same way I used to, and I'm glad. I'm able to think things through, to feel the pain without becoming angry (most of the time). I finally figured out that it's okay to be sad and hurt, and that I could just *be* in the moment.....that I could feel it, and it wasn't bad or wrong.

So, my husband has a lot of the same issues with me that you're talking about.

I also agree with the above posters, that he IS NOT thinking about this. If he says this to himself, he's doing it to rationalize his behavior.

If you did a good Plan A, you've shown him you've changed.

God Bless,

-Caren

P.S. I can tell you've never done drugs Mimi because I don't think you can *SNORT* crack <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WS love throwing the word "abuse" around. It's one of their favorite pastimes.


It is possible. He may not have absorbed the parts of the letter intended to mitigate that reaction.

But you did what you could. We agonize over those letters (I know I did), but in the end the details don't amount to much. It's all about the boundary. This is our marriage, this is our house, this is my life. The affair is not welcome here.

RT, if he decides to end the affair before your marriage is over, it's not going to be because he realizes his judgements of you are unfair. The judgements are just bogus justifications for something which can't be justified. Deep down, WS know this.

Those struggles make affairs difficult to maintain. But you can't influence things at all now, or know where things stand. It's out of your hands. You did what you thought would give your marriage its best, last chance. Your work is done for now.

GC

Thank you so much Ark, Caren and GC. Everything you say makes perfect sense. It makes so much sense that I don't understand why I can't stop crying.

Sigh... this is such a hard, hard gig.

The gig is no easier today. More tears. And the reason why is here.