Should a parent have the kids read their other parent's posts?

Should one spouse have no access to the money(atm) that money is depostited in?

Should one spouse will give the other the money she needs?

Just wondering out loud.

i wouldnt have kids reading posts...but not sure of that situation.

the money---well again...was the spouse irresponsible with it or untrustworthy with it? was it used to fuel the affair? if yes then i would also protect my family's assets.

is the spouse asking for the money willing to be accountable for it. show with receipts what it was used for??

more info would help.....

E2,

I have to fully agree with nikko. Sometimes, I use MB as a place to vent. This means that I put down RAW UNEDITED feelings. Think about that and what you kids could potentially read. This is part of the same argument about whether both spouses should be using this site. Nobody reccomends that they read each others posts. This is a learning site for adults and I, IMVHO, do not think that children should be here.

As for the $$$ issues, I think that this may be a trust issue. I have read both your and Eagles posts and I do not remember seeing anything related to money. Last I understood, you were looking for a new MC. If this is the case, then maybe this is something that you can POJA. Sit down and discuss this with him in a non threatening way. I say non threatening as Eagle and I do have some traits in common and I have a tendancy to "blow up" when dealing with stuff like this.

God speed....

C-

E15Tooo-

Okay 1st of all......I would say that no child should be reading the stuff on this site, nor should they have it read to them. That would be the equivalent of putting the child in the middle.

Having said that, what is this post about? Baiting Eagle into another fight? The remainder of these questions seem rhetorical to me.

If I'm reading it wrong I apologize, but it looks really passive-agressive.

God Bless,

-Caren

On the first one, no, the kids should not be dragged into spousal arguments/postings/conflicts/differences. It's bad enough that they're having to witness things as is, but to read the raw emotions posted here? Nope.

As for the money, tougher sitch. I have a hard time identifying with this because my H and I do not have any joint accounts, except for the mortgage. Each us us has our own savings, checking, credit card accounts. We contribute equally toward mortgage and house expenses and each of us is responsible for our own personal expenses. We both work, make about the same amount of money, and neither one of us has expected financial support from the other.

I would say that if one person isn't bringing in income, or if the incomes are really disparate, then money issues need to be POJA'd. If one spouse has been totally irresponsible with money and run up lots of debt or used it to fund affair rendezvous, then it's not unreasonable for the other spouse to restrict access, particularly if it is that other spouses's own income that was used inappropriately.

I suspect my views might be a bit unusual here, as I have always been fiercely independent and have never expected my spouse to support me financially.

One spouse should NOT be holding all of the money. That is too much like one is the parent, doling out an allowance to the other.

Money things should be POJA'd.

Believer,

You are right. *But* EagleTooo....YOU need to be accountable for where EVERY DIME of that money is spent.

God Bless,

-Caren

Does she? Really? (Devil's advocate here). We don't have all the background on money here so I wouldn't etch that in stone at this point.

I thought EagleTooo was starting a new job, so she'll have her own income. Should she have to provide receipts for that morning cup of coffee that she buys with money she earned? Or if H gives her X amount to spend per week and she doesn't overspend and ask for additional $$, must she provide receipts for every trip to the grocery store/pharmacy/whatever?

I don't put my H's spending under the microscope and he doesn't check mine either. We have minimal debt, more savings than most people, and have never had financial difficulties.

It's a POJA thing, and depends on circumstances, which we don't know all of.

Someone told me a good thing about finances that I never had the opportunity to practice.

When you get paid, pay yourself first. This is your reward for making through the week. This would be true discretionary funds. Do with it what you want, when you want to. Of course, this + your other expenses cannot exceed your real paycheck! (this is the part that always messed me up!)

C-

The first priority has to be the financial security of the family. You don't sacrifice the security of the family on the alter of POJA if there is any suspicion whatsoever that either partner may be poised to jeopardize said security.

If a WS is not committed to the marriage and has one foot out the door, then that should give the BS a BIG CLUE that financial protections need to be in place. That is his OBLIGATION and RESPONSIBILITY as a father.

And no, the kids should not be reading these posts. If that is going on, then he needs to knock it off.

EagleToo, I think y'all would get benefit greatly if you would resume counseling with the Harleys. What is up with that?

Eagle2, just so you know where I'm coming from, I'm a retired AF E-9. I spent more than 26 years as a blue-suiter and I’ve been where you’ve been.

I don't think it was particularly appropriate for Eagle to have the children read your threads, or his, or anyone else's, but it's too late now. With the cat out of the bag, I wonder more about what was read and how this will affect the family dynamics.

Your "wondering out loud" has too few facts for anyone to respond properly so please flesh out the information and we'll be more than happy to help you. Get out your copy of the Tongue and Quill and write a full explanation, okay? For instance, what did the children read, why do you object to the passages they read…what was your reaction to the passage? What were your comments about the paragraphs they read, your husband’s, and the children's?

Also, please explain what you and your husband have agreed upon regarding the family finances. On the face of what you've written, your husband is being unreasonable, but I'd like to hear from YOU why he's apparently being so tight-fisted. I'm not going to read his thread again. YOU tell us, all right?

We wish you all the best in recovering your marriage, Eagle2. It's going to be hard for you but it can be done. Roll your shirtsleeves up and get to work, okay? It'll all be worth it on the other side of this.

I wasn't here to know what was said to the kids about my/his posts. I was gone to work. That's done now and I can't do anything about it. I know that I wouldn't do that to our kids.

The money situation he has taken care of while I was gone (military committment) and part of his boundaries is he will continue to do so. That's fine, I ask before I go get any money from atm, a couple of times I didn't and got in trouble for it. I apologized for it. That money was used for the family. He got mad and asked for all of the credit cards and atm so I handed them over as well as the check book. I'm working now and do provide support for the family and household bills and believe that I have a right to a few bucks in my wallet. Husband returned cards and atm to my purse 2 days later. I haven't gone to get money from joint account, the money that I received is money that he gave me when he went to the atm. I have access to bonds that I have purchased. I would like to pay off as much of our debt as possible.

Glad to see you still posting. How are you liking your new job?

I don't agree with your husband about the money thing. Everything should be POJA'd as far as money, and I don't care if it is "his" money, or "your" money. The only time I don't think it should be POJA'd is if a person is having an active affair, and taking family money to facilitate the affair.

My WH took our money, from the bank, his retirement, and bonus, and blew it all on the OW, to the tune of over $200,000. Now they have split up, and neither one has anything to show for it. The money is just GONE.

Have you thought about counseling with the Harley's? They are very fair, and can usually get things like finances settled in one or two phone calls. I see a lot of damage being done to your relationship by this money problem.

Believer,

I love the new job. The people are so nice to work with. The only pit fall right now is working nights, but it's going well.

Husband's boundaries say that he will continue to do bills, I don't like not being about to get a few bucks from the bank to have in my pocket without asking or screwing up the account. I feel like a kid getting their allowance because he goes to the atm and gives me money from the withdrawal. I'm considering opening a little savings/christmas account in about to have few dollars available to me.

I use the money for going to the grocery store for the kids. We talked to Jennifer the other night, finances weren't on the agenda.

Thanks for talking to me.

Finances need to be on the agenda. You need to have some money. Your dear husband sounds controlling. I think I would tell him that HE can do the grocery shopping.

Of course, I'm getting divorced.................

My H and I have our own accounts. Always have. We tried a joint account for the household expenses, but it was a PITA to do all the money transfers from his and my accounts to the joint one (this was before all the neat technology we have today to do it via phone/online).

If you are working, you should be able to have your own account, IMHO, but I suspect some people might disagree with that. It's demeaning to have to ask for an allowance.

I don't think it's healthy for either spouse to have separate for the very reason that it's difficult to enforece accountability (Yes, GBH, you H should be able to hold you accountable for how you spend "YOUR" money).
It's too easy to finance bad behavior otherwise.

There are many times that I've been tempted to do something that I know W wouldn't approve of, but didn't becasue I didn't want to have to explain where the money went.

Otherwise, we had an understanding that we both had free access to all funds, but expenditures in excess of $50 required a "check-in" with the other. That didn't mean that either of us controlled the finances. We weren't asking permission...we were being transparent.

If your A is over and you're working to recovery, I would consider Eagle's attempts to wrest control of finances from you to be a love buster and unwarranted. It is controlling behavior. This should not be needed if you are transparent and you have a POJA agreement about expenditures.

There were times that I didn't exactly like what my wife spent money on, but she was not a child and it would have been parental of me to dictate what she could or couldn't spend money on.

In the case of irresponsible spouses, the responsible spouse can only control the part of the assets that belongs to them...otherwise they MUST POJA.

Trying to control joints assets is the same as controlling any other aspect of the relationship. It just shouldn't be done.

I share LowOrbit’s thoughts and beliefs on how finances should be handled between spouses. Both me and my H have equal control on our finances and have equal access to funds. Also, we don’t have any “separate” accounts; we are totally transparent about expenses and use of money and (like LowOrbit and his ex-wife) “checking-in” with each other if money is spend above a certain amount. I think the most important thing is that we don’t have “my” money and “your” money – it's all “our” money. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> The only big “downside” to this is that my H and I can’t really surprise each other with huge presents, surprises etc. on a birthdays and/or anniversaries because one of us will notice if a huge amount is missing from the savings account. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />