How was eveyrone's evening? Hope everyone has a good day. Does anyone get the divorce care emails?

I went to the doctor yesterday. Got some AD's. He is very concerned for me. I have lost weight. He also gave me something to help me sleep better.

Here is a conversation my H and I had last night:
H: Where were you today?
Me: I took a half day off.
H: Why?
Me: I wasn't feeling very good and I just had to get outta there.
H: So you took a half days vaacation? When did you decide that you were gonna do this?
Me: About eleven o'clock or so.
H: and you didn't care to tell anyone?
Me: I emailed you and you didn't answer, I called and you were out.
H: What is wrong with you?
Me: I've just had a very bad today that's all.
H: Would you just rather me not talk to you when I come home, or would you just rather me not come home at all because you are clearly in a bad mood.
Me: It's like I told you a couple days ago honey, I'm not like you. I'm not excited about what's going on. I am not happy about this.
H: Well I'm not happy either. But I look forward to coming home to you after work. That's the highlight of my day.
Me: Coming home to me or the boys?
H: The both of you.
Me: Well, I'm sorry to tell you this but I just don't believe that.

End of talk

I just don't get it. The highlight of his day is coming home to me and the boys? But he wants to end it???? HE IS MAKING NO SENSE WHATSOEVER.

The evening was long, although nothing much happened. I had a severe bout of "sad" yesterday while driving home to my empty house. It lasted most of the evening. I hope today is better, but you just never know what might set off another round.

How are you today, Soon?

I haven't heard of divorce care emails, what is that?

Soon, I hate to say it, but your H actions sound like the "Mid-Life" article. I don't know how you take it. I think he honestly loves you, but in his fogged out mind, he is so confused. I also think that he knows that if he lets you go, he will regret it forever.

Morning everyone,

I am so sorry Soon. Your H makes me so mad. I don't understand him at all. I wouldn't be able to deal with that. I don't know how you do it. ((HUGS)) I hope you have a better day.

Tired, Hope today is better for you too. I can relate as I had a pretty bad evening myself. Didn't sleep much and cried a TON.

I am starting to become very impatient. I don't like what I am feeling at all. Keep telling myself, one day at a time, one day at a time. He called this morning and complained about the trade show and how he is the only one doing everything and how that is the "Story of his life" - where's the rolling eyes emoticon? Do I even want this man back? I don't know. One day at a time, one day at a time. Breathe.

I signed up for the divorcecare emails. They are daily emails that has few few quotes from people going thru our same situations. And they have short "stories" of encouragement along with a bible verse for the day and a prayer.

My favorite one. Jeremiah 29:11.

If interested go to divorcecare.com and sign up. I read them as soon as I get to work, and they help for a little bit. But the sadness and tears drift back in. I don't have much faith in anything right now. Which is probably my problem.

I know what you mean about not knowing what will happen, what you will see, hear...think about that will set off that round of emotions. I woke up in a great mood this morning, got ready for work, fixed H breakfast and woke him up. He ate and when he came in the bathroom to get a shower it hit me...today is our 5th wedding anniversary. And I immediately started to sob and carry on like a big baby. I hate that.

He asked again if I thought about what to do for anniversary. I told him what you suggested "It doesn't matter to me as long as I spend it with you". He suggested a couple places to go. He peeked out of the shower at me and said "what's wrong" I told him, honey today is just not a happy day for me. And it's not. I didn't mean to sound ungrateful for having this day...but it's just not a good day for me. Our anniversary means nothing now.

Thankful, don't get impatient. I know you want everything to happen RIGHT NOW. Just do what you're doing. One day at a time with tough love. It seems to be working so far just keep continuing what you are doing. And don't pray for patience because the Lord will test you! LOL.

Hi Thankful, I agree with Soon. Try not to be impatient. I know that must be hard to do, but slow, sure steps will rebuild your M better than just rushing back in as if nothing ever happened. Now is your chance to rebuild a great M, better than ever before.

Soon, I'm so sorry about your anniversary not meaning anything to you. That was always my favorite day of the year. I always bought flowers and gifts and really enjoyed doing it. My STBXW was the most important person in the world to me, and I wanted her to know how blessed I felt to be with her (Obviously, she was her favorite person also). Try to have a good day, and I will be thinking of you.

I think what I said may have come out wrong. I am thankful for this day. It's the day I said I do to the love of my life. The man that the good lord put in my life. The man I wanted to spend the rest of my life. But it makes no sense to me to have a big celebration when we won't even be married in a month or so. It makes no sense to me why he would even bring it up when he says he regrets ever marrying me. If I regretted marrying him then I would look at our anniversary as more of a funeral than something to celebrate. Were living life as if nothing is wrong. As if everything is fine. And it's not.

We had went to Charleston for our honeymoon. And he has always asked me when we were going to go back. And I had always made plans that on our five year anniversary that we'd go back. About two months ago I made reservations to go back. And now I've had to cancel them. Why waste so much money (it aint cheap to stay there) for a marriage that is only going to last a little while longer?

Am I making any sense here? I don't know if I am or not. I guess I'm juts trying to say that if we weren't getting a D then heck yeah I'd celebrate like the dickens. Presents, a short trip maybe, very nice dinner out. Just like we always have. But this year it's different.

I understand what you're saying now, although I don't understand him at all. This makes no sense! The only reason I can see for him wanting to celebrate is that he's not sure what he wants. When my STBX decided a D was the answer for her, she didn't want to celebrate anything (with me), she didn't even want to talk to me. Something is going on in his mind that we don't understand.

I know the hardest part in this is the confusion and indecision on what is happening or going to happen. If only they would come clean with us, but I don't think they can even come clean with themselves.

Thanks guys.

I know I shouldn't lose patience or perspective, but I guess I just started to get my hopes up a little & started to have some expectations because of what he said the other day (that he does love me & was looking for houses) before he left for his trip & the fact that he gave me the card, etc...I was beginning to feel that he was remorseful - am I expecting too much do you think??

Now that he has only called ONE time since Wednesday morning, (and remember, I do NOT call him at all, I totally leave him alone) I am feeling discouraged about it all. I was calm, cool and collected when I talked with him this morning, but I just feel SO hopeless right now. I didn't let him in on my feelings at all, in fact, he thinks I am just fine - I just listened to him complain about everyone and everything with regard to the trade show.

Thankful, I think you are doing great. Just try to remember and think that "I love you, but I will be fine with or without you". I believe in this, and could have possibly saved my marriage had I thought this way sooner. You are a special person and he is lucky to have you in his life.

Thanks Tired. I am trying so hard. I know I seem strong to everyone, but I certainly have my moments. I'm just glad that I have been able to keep those moments to myself and not let my H in on them. He said this morning that I sounded "horrible" and I said "yeah, I am SO congested from this head-cold!" I did NOT tell him that I was up all night crying! No way. As I said, he thinks I am "just fine!"

Thankful: Good, you listened to him complain, didn't show your feelings...you did what I think you are supposed to do. Remember, if you GRAB onto him this may drive him away. I think that showing him that you are willing to let him go (atleast that's what HE thinks you are doing) shows him that you are not weak, that you are strong and can live life without him. I KNOW that's not how you feel, but that's what we want him to think. Right?

But I know where you are coming from. If I practice tough love that's when my H starts saying things like he said to me last night. Like he's fence sitting or thinking about changing his mind. We've done this before, then I'll start getting anxious "Ok he's changing his mind" and then I start trying to hang on to tightly. Then he changes his course. And we go right back to the start. This time, I will not believe anything he says. He is going to have to prove something to me this time. If there is a this time. I'm tired of beleiving in him and getting my heart broken.

You are on the right track I do believe. When does he come back from the trip?

I too wish I'd have done the "I love you but I CAN live without you" a long long time ago. I held on to him too tightly. It has just drove him away. Another mistake of mine.

It is SO hard to do what I am doing. But I know, I need to keep it up, b/c it does seem to be working. Merely 2 weeks ago he had it set in his mind that divorce was our only option. Now he is at the point of being undecided and coming back in my direction and saying things he hasn't said in a long time. I guess I need to remember that and keep focused. I'm glad that I have said a few times to him now that "in my mind his decision is already made and I am going on with my life as such" I hope that jsut keeps sticking in his head.

He comes back Sunday evening.

Were on a roll this morning! Two pages already.

Does he have plans for the week ahead? He said he wanted to start dating once a week. Did he give any inclination on when he wants to start doing this stuff?

Do you have plans on talking with him about the OW? Or are you going to let him bring it up?

I'm sorry for all of the questions. If I over-step my boundaries let me know.

Hey everyone...I'm signing up for the divorce care emails..sounds helpful.

I wish you all a great day. The rushes of saddness are the worst. I can be walking down the aisle of a grocery store, and I feel a wave of despair engulf me and I'm drowning in sorrow. It usually only lasts 20 minutes but it's intense. I try to ddistract myself with another task, like reading a label or trying to find a bargain..etc.

For the first time in a year - H called last night and said that he knew it was "inappropriate", but he wanted to know if he could come stay the night with me in the city since he was so exhausted and didn't want to drive back to the house. I was suprised...

Of course I said yes. He came over and we talked a bit, he was very guarded and made an effort to not get physically close (odd since just the night before when we were at the house he was very physically demonstrative). Not sure what to make of that...he still seems wishy washy but the divorce proceeds...ugh.

Hope the day goes well for all of us. I think it's healthier for us if we don't second guess ourselves. If only this or if only that...what's best for us will happen, and it will happen for a reason. We don't want to be married to people who don't want us or love us...we are all beautiful, strong and smart folks,,,,and we will make it with or without them!
Cis

Ladies, I want to say how impressed I am with both of you. I'm not blowing smoke up your a$$ either. If my STBX had shown even half of the dedication to our M that you guys show, I would be a happy man today. I know we should practice tough love, and portray that to our spouses, but I believe that true strength is being able to live through what we have all been through, and to keep loving. It is so easy to say "this won't work" or "this was never meant to be" and to quit trying.

Thankful, I hope you can incorporate the "tough love" in yourself. I hate to see you get to a position where everything that he does or doesn't do upsets you. I know at times like these we magnify everything and probably hurt ourselves needlessly over minor things. Please remember that you deserve to be loved, and if he can't do it, someone else can.

Soon, I do believe that your H is lost and confused. "Lets celebrate our anniversary, and then get a D". Something don't add up here, or as we say in the south "That dog don't hunt". Do you think that he is trying to force you into making the decision to D?

Tired: I have thought that sometimes. The night he told me that he gave the "I love you but not like a H should" speech, I said..."if you truly wanted out then why didn't you just tell me long ago and we (I) wouldnt have wasted so much time?" He said "I've tried to tell you".

He never told me that with words. But now that I think about it, the last year...he has done things purposefully I think to try and break me so that I would be the one to say I can't take this anymore. He knows how to upset me, and would do things or say things on purpose to upset me.

But I wouldn't give. I didn't break, Until now.