My STBX actually did that to me. I'm the one who filed for the D. I DO NOT WANT A D, but I couldn't keep living with the alien. She would hint about it and even say that was what she "thought" that she needed, but would never do anything about it. Sounds like "Mid-Life for Dummies", huh? The only fly in her ointment is that we work with the same people and I had already exposed the A to all of them, so she couldn't play the "he's leaving me" card and gain their sympathy. Even after I had caught her in contact with OP for the umpteenth time and she said that she thought she wanted a divorce, when I told her I would go see a lawyer she said "shouldn't we talk about this some more?" I said "No, I think we've been through this enough".

I still love my wife very much, and miss her so badly that it hurts all over, but I think my wife is dead, replaced only by this creature for he**.

Do you think that you could get him to talk to you as an adult and end this waiting and wondering? Maybe, lay all his cards out on the table?

Dad gum it!!!! I just typed my [censored] off and then it just disappeared!!!! Let me see, what did I even say????

To make it short there really is no waiting and wondering. The D is happening no doubt. We are currently just waiting on mediation to be scheduled which ofcourse is up to the lawyers and the mediator. There is no talking with this man. It ALWAYS ends up back to "well you are why were are here". ALWAYS. I haven't been "allowed" to talk about any of my worries or concerns in over a year now. I guess he feels that I have no right to be upset about anything.

The man needs some serious IC. I found a business card in his wallet for a counselor. I didn't mention it. he later told me he was going to counseling. He told me that one week he goes and sees the counselor and the next week he talks to them on the phone. I believe this is another one of his lies. I don't think he is going to counseling and if he is I can sure bet you a million dollars that he doesnt' tell the truth. I would bet my life on it.

I know the harleys do phone counseling, but is that really a common thing. I didn't know they did that around here.

The family dates were discussed just 2 days PRIOR to him revealing everything about the A. I told him after he came clean with me, that there would be no family dates until he ended it with OW. I refuse to give him family time while he continues the relationship with her. If he wants family time, he has to end it.

I honestly have no plan as of now. Like I keep saying, I take it one day at a time. He will more than likely come over Monday to see DS, but I am not sure.

I feel so hopeless and lost right now. Having such a discouraging last 24 hours.Nothing is making me feel better right now and it sucks!

Soon, if it is happening for sure, can you turn it all off and move on with your life? I'm in the process of that now, and it is difficult but it has to get better.

Thankful, is the A still ongoing? Do you have any way of finding out? Does he believe that you have the will to end the marriage if he does not end the A? Sorry for all the questions, but if he is still in contact with OP then he is cake-eating for sure and will probably not stop until he is forced to.

I'm sorry Thankful, I should have just back and read your other posts. OK, no family time until he breaks it off with OW. That's good. That's very good.

Does he always come over there to see the kids? Does he get time with them alone?

Don't feel hopeless. Maybe this will make you feel better...you could be in my situation who's H is still going thru with the D no matter what while all along were just living a lie and he already his "interests" lined up. If that makes sense. Or your H could have told you, I don't love you I dont want you its over dont ever look at me again. Things could be much worse in your situation right now. Look at the situations the me, Tired and Cis are in. Your way better off than we are. I mean, I hate that the rest of us are where we are and don't mean to put anyone down and hope I haven't offended anyone. But we thankful that you even have a reason for hope.

We don't.

I wish I could say something to cheer you up. ((((((hugs)))))))) is that how you do it?

Turn it off...I'll have to. Do you think that I should just go ahead and move out as soon as my tennants find another place to live? Can I move on? I'll have to. There is no can I. I have to.

You're right Soon. You have to. The way you do it is what's important.

Do I think you should move out? That's a hard one. In my case, I knew that the marriage was over so I asked my WW to move out (she couldn't afford the house payments on our house). I don't regret doing that because she had demonstrated repeatedly that she was finished with the marriage, even though she would give me the "I don't know if I want a D" speech on occasion. She never broke contact and didn't intend to. IT STILL HURTS REGARDLESS OF WHO LEAVES! I asked her to leave and I filed for D, but I know that I didn't cause it, didn't want it, and would do anything to stop it. I do feel better about myself for having the guts to "mercy" kill the dying marriage instead of hanging on to her and crying, begging all the time. Nobody is worth selling out your soul for. It shouldn't have to be that way, but it is.

Hugs to both of you! (((Cis(((Hugs)))Thankful)))

ISWE, I just read your thread, and of course I do not know the whole story, but got an impression that you feel there is no hope in your M...Why??

Your H told you that the highlight of his day is to coming home to you and the boys. That's love! I wish mine would say anything like that..., instead, mine has said "I never felt relaxed when I was home".

Well, I messed up my hugs. Lets try this again.

(((Soon(((Blue(((HUGS)))Thankful)))Cis)))

There, that's better.

There is no hope because
1. Mediaton will be next month, D final one week afterwards.
2. He cannot committ to me
3. Has other "interests" "co-workers" whatever you want to call them.
4. He lies about everything. Can't tell the truth.
5. He has broken me.
6. He doesn't want to be married to me, doesn't love me like a h should, doesn't respect me or believe in me. (his words)

Lets see. I could go on and on. I'm not the one who wants the D. But I dont want the M we are in now either. I'm not happy and neither is he. could I be happy? Could he? Ofcourse, but I cannot make this m work on my own. He has to change and doesn't want to. And why would he? He's got what he wants right now. Cake. I can't make him love me or want to be with me. And he's choosing to end it.

Alien.

Why do I do this? Just this morning I didn't want anything to do with an anniversary. Now I'm wondering why haven't I heard from him ....it's our damned anniversay!

What is wrong with me? Am I crazy? Really, sometimes I think I am. I really do.

He knows that there is no chance for us unless he ends it. I have told him that many times. Remember the other day he was saying (in response to me saying that he obviously wants the D) that "nothing is obvious" and that his mind is NOT made up. He knows he has to end it with her - if he does not, then we are done. He knows that is how I feel. I don't think I can make it any clearer. I also told him that he cannot "clear his head" unless he ends it with her, too. He agreed. But, he hasn't ended it yet.

How long are you going to give him as far as a timeline for ending it with the OW?

Please, don't be sorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

He has started coming over more to see the kids, in the last 2 weeks. Once a week he has been taking DS for some alone time. This past week he was over Sunday to talk to me, Monday to see DS and Tuesday to see DS - but we talked both times a little bit too.

I just got flowers delivered to me, (ordered by H) the card is signed Happy Birhtday Mommy, Love- DS & DD. I sent him a text msg and said thank you for the flowers from the kids - they are beautiful.

The way I see your case is that it may be that the actual D might be inevitable, but emotionally, don't you think your STBXH is still attached to you? How long is he in A? Once that breaks down, don't you feel that he might come back?

Though, I think your attitude is very healthy. Things need to change, and you have to move on, whether he comes back or not. You cannot put your life on hold..., so if your H comes back down the road, that's good (well actually by then who knows you might feel you are "done" with him!), and if not, you will be okay.

Personally he sounds too foggy to me. If he looks forward to coming home to you, how difficult is it for him to figure out what he really wants and needs???

Your guess is good as mine milkshake. I don't get him either. I'm tired of trying to "get" him. As far as his affairs, I found an email from a firl he works with and this was from August 2004. I can remember when it started, around June or July 04. I don't know when it ended. She is married now. He will not admit he had an affair. But he did. The email I have is not just a friendship. It was a love affair.

As for now, I don't know when his new A started. I don't know who she is. But I do know there is a she. I just don't have proof, other than my instinct. He has his cell bill sent to his parents house, has a seperate bank acct that he deposits money into every week, lies about where he has been and what he is doing. When I'm with him he puts phone on silent and if I happen to hear it vibrate then he tries to hide it. He lies about who calls his cell phone. Like Dr. PHil says, people who have nothing to hide hide nothing. And he's lying.

Thankful, I think that Milkshake is probably right. He does act like he is still attached, but foggy. The advice is good, but hard to implement.

Soon, IMHO, if I were in your shoes (which I basically was) I would either move out or ask him to. Seems to me like you are trying to revive a dead patient, and it may be time to pull up the sheet. I know, personally, that there is nothing more frustrating than seeing how good a marriage could be, how fulfilling in every way, and not being able to get that across to a spouse, to not even get them to try. I know you want to scream or choke the sh** out of them. When they get their minds made up, the only one that can change it is them. You have got to think about your emotional health in all of this. Just my two cents worth.

Milkshake, thanks for the "Mid-Life for Dummies" post on the GQII board. It was comical but very true in my case.

It's too sad that whatever he might be doing is not going to last long or succeed, yet people can be so foggy that they believe (somehow, go figure!) something good can come out of those lies...

My STBXH is sooooooo unhappy. He moved out 10 months ago, thinking that everything will be rosy, but he is still empty and unhappy. If he was feeling that way because of me, shouldn't he be soooooooooo happy by now??? But he continues with his belief that I am the bad guy, and somehow he will "find" new happiness.....and will be "saved" by God b/c he is doing the right thing....

I guess my problem with moving out is I have no where to go...yet. And I don't think he would move out if I asked him. If I asked him too then he'd leave it to me to make the mortgage payment...I can't afford that.

I'm stuck. I know there's no chance of us ever rebuilding our marriage. I mean, I get on here and whine and cry and ask for all this advice. But I know the truth, I know what to do. Move on.

I guess even though I'm still in the house I have moved on is a way. I have become very detached from him. I've got to stop this. I have to.

Soon, I think that's the beauty of this board, to cry and whine and make the same statements over and over. Probably most of us know deep inside our hearts what the final outcome to our situation will be, but it helps to say it to someone who understands what you are going through. I guess misery loves company or something, but when I start feeling really sad, I can come on here and get encouragement and it means something because you guys know what it's like.

I am so sorry that your M has failed.