My wife who I suspect is in an A with her boss, wants me out of the house, and if I don't leave, she threatens that she will, and will also take our 2 year old daughter with her. She will be able to move in with her parents or sister. I have a few problems with this...after talking with an attorney, she has the right to leave and take our daughter. But I also have the right to stay and keep my daughter. I don't want to use my daughter as a rope though, and play tug of war with my assumed WW. Another problem I have is that I haven't gotten the evidence I need to expose her affair. If she moves out, I will be unable to snoop/spy on her the way I need to, to gather evidence and expose.

Does anybody have any thoughts on this?

What did your attorney advise you to do regarding custody?

WAT

He advised that if I wanted my daughter to stay with me, and not do it by means of a tug of war, that I would need to file for divorce, then there could be temporary custody set up right away. And what that means I think is that they could say that my daughter has to stay at the house no matter who is there.

Sad-

REFUSE to move out of your house, and tell her that you won't let her take your daughter out of her home. Tell her that SHE is free to leave, but she will not take anything out of your family home including your daughter.

Tell her your family and your child are the most important things in the world to you and you will protect them.

As far as gathering evidence....how do you think she's contacting the OM???

-Does she have a cell phone? If so, try to access the records online and print out the incoming/outgoing calls. See if there is a number that repeats too often.

-Does she use the computer? If so, you can get a keylogger program and find out everything she's doing on there including e-mails, any pictures she looks at, any website she goes to....basically everything she does on the computer. (It also logs passwords)

-Are you in a position where you can afford a P.I.? This could be helpful to find out where she's going when she leaves the home.

-Put a voice activated tape recorder somewhere inconspicuous on your home phone.

-Put a voice activated tape recorder in her car. (Duct tape it under the seat or something)

-Put a GPS unit on her car, so you can see where she's going.

These are a few things you can do in order to get the info/evidence you need to confront her and expose.

Secure your finances NOW! Wayward Spouses have a funny way of using up all your combined savings for an affair....you don't want her using YOUR money to fund her little adventure, or get herself an apartment.

Hope this helps!

God Bless,

-Caren

Sad-

Attorney's are looking out for YOUR best interest, which is not necessarily the best interest of your family....but they are a necessary.

Everyone always just *assumes* that a child is better off with their Mother.....and that's hogwash.

You should talk to Mortarman, he kept the kids while these things were going on, and he is in recovery now.

God Bless,

-Caren

Carenmc,
I wish I was able to do most of those things you mentioned, but I can't. She works really closely with her boss. She has always gotten phone calls and text messages from him...she tells me to disregard them of course. I can't catch her replies is the problem...texting. She never uses the home computer for the A. She has a laptop, but I am unable to access that. The ONLY thing I might be able to do, and was planning before all of this talk of moving out, was bugging her car with a voice recorder. If she moves out, then that option is gone as well. As far as finances go....we have none. We're in debt pretty well.
I would hire a PI, but again, have no money. How much are they ?

sadmm, you are going to lose you marriage and your family unless you expose this affair NOW. You already know there is an affair, your W admitted this in January. You don't need a smoking gun and a picture to know it is still going on, THEY STILL SEE EACH OTHER EVERY DAY.

Exposure will ruin this affair. If you will only use that option.

She wants you to move out so she can carry on her affair with the OM, plain and simply. She will have him over to your house, is that what you want? Do you know in many courts this is viewed as ABANDONMENT? Further, who will be around to protect the DD if you aren't there? Your W should not be able to remove her D from her own home just to accomodate her affair.

You are at a fork in the road and you can either accomodate her affair and lose your marriage and your family or you can stand up to this affair and possibly save your marriage. The choice is yours.

And I am sure her boss appreciates your keeping his dirty little secret for him. That enables him to carry on with your wife in peace. Did you know that your secrecy helps HIM and not you? Whose side are you on?

Just a thought for the future (once you have the evidence). Supervisor/subordinate relationships are forbidden by most companies for good reason (the training that I have had in this is long and exhaustive.) When you expose this affair, you need to do it in writing to your wife's HR folks. Talk about BUSTING an affair...the company will have no choice but take decisive action...this is a huge legal problem for them.

Just my opinion...
C-

Melodylane,
I appreciate the fact i need to expose the affair, but last time I tried to do this, it backfired on me. I had no concrete evidence. WW went on to say that there was no trust, and she lost all her feelings for me, and her trust for me...which takes us to now. She wants me out for "space". I have nothing to prove for the exposure to happen. I don't even see OM's text messages anymore. The phone calls are suposably "work" related. I need proof to be able to expose the A. Without it, I push my WW further and further away. With proof, I could expose her and say that she has been lying all this time...but I need that proof to do that.

Based on your response of what your attorney advised, it sounds like a legal separation is not available in your locale. Correct?

If so, and despite all your protests to your wife NOT to leave with the child, she may do so anyway. She probably WILL do so. Don't get into a physical fight about it.

When she does this, THEN you may have to file for divorce to gain entry into the legal processes available to you - including establishing child custody.

I am NOT an attorney, so I may be wrong about this, but this is the process that has been described here before by others. Ask your attorney about this. You can file for divorce while making it clear that you want your family to stay intact. This is a necessary contradiction in U.S. locales not having provisions for legal separation - based on what's been described here in the past. Maybe a REAL ambulance chaser can explain it better.

WAT

Got2KeepTrying, I totally agree with you. I think this is a big issue at her workplace. But I need proof first. When I go to expose this A...if I ever get the chance, I first plan on exposing it to WW, then if that doesn't work, expose it to OMW and to her workplace.

Please remind us of what her parents know and your relationship with them.

You may have to end up taking one step backwards to take two steps forward.

Stand your ground in the home, and she leaves, you file, get custody straight, etc.

Allow your W to get careless and carry on with OM outside of the workplace setting so a PI can document evidence.

Spill the beans to the company.

WAT

What do you mean by no access? Is it locked up at night? You do not have the passwords? Does she use it in any particular place in the house? If she does, stash a video camera where you can see the keyboard!

Do you know anyone at her office that can help you? Friends can help you by following her. Get CREATIVE. There are books on catching a cheating spouse. It might be time to get one (Anybody know of a good one?)

Mel's comments are highly valued here. If she is telling you that your M is in trouble, believe it.

If you can give us some details on her behavior and actions while communicating, it is possible that we "sneaky" folks can help you come up with something.

C-

sadmm, didn't your W admit to you that they had an affair LAST MONTH? And didn't her FRIEND go to the superintendent and tell on her? Just because your wife is lying to you now by saying their affair is "strictly professional" does not mean you can't expose it. If your wife admitted there was an affair that is all the evidence you need. This is all you have to say to the school, her parents and to the OM's wife. You could also contact your W's friend and ask for her information. Apparently she knows quite a bit.

And secondly, of COURSE there is no "trust" in your marriage. YOUR WIFE IS CHEATING. Make it clear to her that you do not trust her. Just because a WS gets mad does not mean that exposure "backfired" on you! They are supposed to get angry.

One more thought...even if you do not have concrete information, visit with her companies HR folks anyway. It may be that they will start their own investigation. Be aware that they will not share any info with you as that is too big a liability.

Anyone HR folks out there in MB land that can confirm or deny this approach?

C-

Mel-

Dang girl, how can you remember all these situations?? I don't have a clue what's going on in this one.

Sad-

What I'm getting from you is that you're afraid, afraid that exposing is going to make things worse.....It won't.

How could it get worse than your wife sleeping with someone else?????

You don't NEED proof if she's admitted it. You don't NEED to show the people that you're exposing to any proof....

She's LYING........and you KNOW she's lying....you don't need confirmation from her....you KNOW what's going on.

You better hit this affair with BOTH BARRELS and do it quick.

I know that you feel all out of control....we can all sympathize with that, but believe me WE KNOW what we're talking about, and not exposing is going to be the death of this marriage.

By the way, you said that you "Can't" do the things I described to get evidence.......You CAN do a lot of them, you're just afraid to. My Mom always used to say "Can't never did anything, and died in the poorhouse." I think it's applicable to this situation.

God Bless,

-Caren

By the way, sadmm - I agree 100% with what the others here are saying about exposure.

I was focusing on your child custody issue because they're doing such a good job with the exposure stuff. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I seem to recall describing to you earlier the prospect of a third party sexual harassment allegation in the workplace. Maybe it was someone else - this is so common.

Such an allegation is when another female employee alleges discrimination on the basis that favoritism is shown to those females who sleep with the boss. Very powerful. The "favoritism" doesn't even have to be real to make the case - just the fertile environment for it and a claim of a workplace chilling effect is all that's needed to get attention on the matter. In the right companies, his butt would be on the street before lunch.

WAT

Agreed WAT!

Like I said, I can't remember the details of Sad's story, but the same advice would be applicable regardless.

Sad.......now is not the time to wallow in your pain. Now is the time to be proactive. Now is the time to break this affair up!!!!!

If this is a *company*, and the affair is with her superior I would blow this thing WIDE OPEN and talk to someone above his head!!!

God Bless,

-Caren

WAT,

GOOOOOOD ONE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I never even thought of that!

C-