Ok, now comes the hard part..... you know your ENs and she has thrown you a looper since the SF is a question. Well it s/b. The A for most women is more in the head than the lower body regions. Read the book His needs/Her needs and see how women tend to crave convo while most men want the physical. Know wonder R's sometimes end up more like 2 ships passing in the night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Stop trying soo hard. U r doing good and should have to strive for the moon. There's no life there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

L.

Gooner:

Things simply don't end this quick, but your exposure to the OM's wife was right on. She is your best friend now because she will watch the OM like a hawk.

Repost your e-mails for us to read which makes you suspicious of a PA. We can help you sort things out. Regardless of a PA, you must be committed to your wife and family to get you thru this mess. You are likely looking for 18 months to 24 months to begin to feel comfortable. Untill then, you will not feel secure in your M.

Here are some good articles for you to read which will help take you through the steps of an affair and the ondoing of the affair, etc. http://www.surviving-infidelity-kit.com/

You must understand, she may have fallen in love with the OM and as her love grew for him, she disconected from you or fell out of love. She may love you as a brother, but not as a lover. She will now have to fall out of love for him and it takes a long time to reconnect back with the spouse. If the affair went physical, it may be even harder to disconnect for the woman. Educate yourself the best way you can. Filling out the EN's today will not impact the WS until it is over in her mind. At least it allows you to do a good Plan A. Do not worry about her pleasing you, focus on pleasing her and meeting her EN's.

We have all been there and we are all sorry for you but you can survive the affair if you do it right. She will begin to bargain with you and do not make any promises to her about anything. You have to forget she is not the loving trusting wife you knew before the affair. The fog can be blinding and it is up to you to help her back to the marriage one long day at a time.

TooSoon

W has decided she does not need 30 "separation" period to understand her feelings and says she wants things to work out but I am a little suspicious. She accepts NC and will throw away the one present OM got her. This is where my suspicions come in.. It seems a little too easy.I appreciate the fact that without me asking for the removal of the 30 days she did it. She isn't angry at all either. She seems relieved. I wonder whether they have agreed to go deeper underground and this is their way of doing it by pretending it is all over!! I have told her that I can not and will not go through this again. I suppose I have to believe she is telling the truth. Thanks for the support everyone.Today is Day 1 of rebuilding my marriage.. I know it will be a long and sometimes painful journey but not as painful as these last 6 months have been. I have still got a lot of reading to do on this site so once again thanks for the support.

gooner, this all sounds good but you are right to be suspicous. Watch your back!

Now, the hard part starts. I would ask her to send the OM a letter of no contact. This letter is the first step in restoring trust in your marriage and demonstration of her SINCERITY that the affair is really over. It is the LEAST she can do if you are willing to take her back. Her reaction to this request should give you a good gage of how sincere she really is.

The letter should be written together and mailed BY YOU. The OMW should also receive a copy.

In order to ever recover, your W must agree to NEVER EVER be in contact with the OM again. EVER. For any reason. This is critical to the recovery of your marriage because without this committment, recovery is impossible.

Please read this article about how an affair should end. I will post a sample letter of what her letter should look like below.

How affairs should end: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Sample NO CONTACT letters


quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

Gooner:

Separation time periods are used by WS's to have better access to their lover without interferance from their spouse. She is making it more difficult for her future.

TooSoon

Gooner:

It is good she is not leaving but don't forget the addiction factor. She may want it to end but if you see no depression due to withdrawal, it likely means they went further underground.

It took my FWW 60 days of vacillating back and force between her OM and me so do not accept her story as being absolutely true. They have become conditioned to the lie by this point too and they get good at it. On the other hand, D-Day does stop many affairs and I hope this works for you.

TooSoon

W promises A is over. OM and OMW have discussed it and OMW says he denies any wrongdoing and that my W instigated everything!! A typical wronged man trapped by wicked woman!! My wife has been open about things since exposure but still infatigly denies any PA. I have to go with that I guess. Regarding depression there have been lots of tears.. I guess that's a good thing right? It still seems surreal that on Friday I had proof and by Monday the A is over but I think OM was getting cold feet beforehand as he sensed I was getting closer. W says she needs time to sort out emotions not about OM but us but we are doing this together at home. I have told her that if I find out there has been anymore contact I shall divorce her as I can not go thru this again. Now let's see what cards the future will deal us. I am trying to remain upbeat but this trust thing is getting me down and I get angry inside when I think she put our marriage and our childrens happiness at risk. She still wont say or doesnt know why the EA started and I'm not pushing that point just yet.I told her that the important thing at the moment was for her to get her head straight and when she is happy we as a unit will be happy. I hope I can really believe the A is over.. that is my biggest problem at the moment.

Well now you need her to really come clean with you. You know the A was also PA. If she is not willing to tell you the truth.. You better be real careful.

You should both be tested for STD's.

Keep spying. Don't let your guard down just yet...

OK...so here's something I've not seen addressed yet.

How did your W and OM conduct their A (EA and/or PA)? How did they communicate/meet/talk/whatever?

How is your wife now PROVING to you that the A is over? How is she being accountable to you to SHOW you that the A is ended?

She DOES need to do this. If it was all done via phone calls, emails, whatever, she needs to give you complete access to SEE that it's ended. This is how she rebuilds that trust between you...it's going to take time and work, but it can be done. It's up to HER to rebuild this trust, and it's up to YOU to be willing to let her do so.

As far as OMW...if you truly feel the need, share with her what 'proof' you have. But, keep your focus on rebuilding YOUR marriage.

Get into a good MC that understands infidelity and is PRO-marriage.

Last thing. Make it clear to your wife that you're NOT willing to tolerate further infidelity. That you're willing to FIGHT for your marriage, and that you're not just going to lay down and let things be. Don't be angry, but be calm and firm. She needs to hear this from you...it will help build your credibility and respect up. It's been said here many many times...a woman normally cannot love a man she doesn't respect.

Let me enlighten you on some of the questions you posed.
1. A was long distance emails,(100s) phone calls.
2. OM would come to our city on business then they met
3. I have the email password now and she ensures me it is over
4. Told her that contact is not permissible and will lead to divorce.
5. No proof of PA just hunch which is and will probably always be denied( maybe she feels I will leave her if this is exposed.)
6. OMW will mail me when OM is in our city and I will follow her like a hawk and check mood swings.
7. As I said before there were signs of PA in the emails but she insists they were just jokes.
Anyway thanks again for help.. It isnt easy is it but day^3 is starting and I think each day is a little better but I know there will be relapses.

Gooner,

Not trying to give you false hope here but there is a possibility she is actually telling the truth about the PA.

It is also possible that the affair has ended that easily. My wife had a 12 month affair I guess that only was acted on for the last 3 months. It was a PA without sex but according to her own admissions was definitely heating up big time in the week before I found out (lost of tongue kissing etc). I really do think another week and they would have been screwing probably in my bed - it was really that close. And I do believe that they didn't have sex. But exposure really did kill the affair in less than a week. OM initiated contact a couple of times after that - she was always up-front about that. Then NC was established and apart from th eusual bumps in the recovery process (none of them due to contact being breached) we are really doing well.

I, too, look at other stories here and have to pinch myself. I can't believe how fortunate I have been compared to some others. I guess God knows what we can bear.

It's an emotional roller coaster Gooner. We have had a pretty ordinary 2 weeks just now - my wife is coming to terms with her betrayal mostly. It gets better. But it's a marathon, not a sprint. It will get better and worse as the MONTHS progress. Forget DAYS.

Budget on a 2 year recovery as a minimum. We are at 6 months. Just when you think things are OK one or the other of you get slammed by emotions again. It will get better. Recovery isn't for wimps.

Bigkahuna, your reply came as a great tonic.As I said I will try to put the PA out of my mind and put trust back into my mind. Thanks for the positive experience.

I have been visiting this forum for a about a month but have not posted my story as yet. Will do so at another time and site. I have a question re disclosure. Gooner asked who to disclose to and I have that same question. Ow was m when pa began with wh, but dv during pa, so there is no owh to disclose to. We have not disclosed to family or friends, except I disclosed by e-mail to a friend who lives in another area on Monday (wh knows). Turns out she is a ww. I had no idea. Her m is intact and they are really happy. Anyway, what can I do to bring "sunshine" to pa and ongoing ea. As I see it, there is no one to disclose to.

OW ExH still an exposure target.


Why ever not? These are exactly the targets for exposure.


Expose to all family and friends. If it is a relationship at work, expose to HR. Expose to pastors, neighbours. Expose to anyone your spouse respects who can influence her to ens the affair. Expose to your parents. You have MANY targets.