D-day was January 9. My WG moved out on January 27 so she could "think and sort out her thoughts." I've ALWAYS known that she left so that I would not be in the way of her seeing the OP. We have continued to communicate, and have sporadically spent time together (including 2-3 SF).

I've been doing a pretty good Plan A (have not had one angry outburst, have not mentioned the OP, have not talked about our R).

Until this morning. I stopped by her work. Long story short, I asked "Are you exclusive?"

"Yes."

Somebody please tell me what to do. I'm so devastated!!!

I asked all kinds of questions -- probably lovebusting, but I couldn't help it. I told her how selfish the whole affair was. I told her that the dust will settle and even though she is on a big high right now, that eventually both of their frailties will show through. I said "You threw away five years of history, a future, a 15 year-old who you haven't even discussed any of this with yet, and me because the OP made you 'feel good'!" I said "I hope that someday it hits you square in the face what we had and what you have thrown away -- starting with trust and honesty. Then faithfulness -- no matter where I was or where you were and no matter what we were doing, we both always knew that we didn't have to worry. You already know the OP is a cheater. The OP knows you are a cheater. You will never really have trust."

I was crying. It was awful. I am shocked. She told everybody that she was moving out because she was "unhappy" and "wanted to date" and was not looking for a relationship. I told her from the beginning that that is not why she left -- that she left for one reason and one reason only -- to build a relationship with the OP. She still refuses to acknowledge it -- even to herself.

I don't know what to do. I have had no contact with the OP (who is not married or anything) since the night of January 9th (D-Day) when I called and said "You can have her now -- she's single!" (Yes, I regret that very much.)

Now, I'm thinking of writing her a letter, as well as WG parents, etc.

Please help me with some suggestions -- and just my luck, my therapist is out of the office on Fridays. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Chaka,

Sorry that you have to be here. I experienced a much similar situation over the past year. My marriage is breaking up because of it, so I won't give you any advice other than to say that I'm hoping the best for you. The experts on here can help you though.

I will recommend reading "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. I think if I had read that earlier, I might have saved my marriage.

Tired41

(((Chaka)))

Isn't this the weekend that WGF was coming over to fix the fence?? I know how hard it is to do nothing, but sometimes that is the best thing to do. The waywards don't want to hear how bad they are. They are having an affair because the OP makes them feel good about who they are. If you want to compete with OW, you are going to have to figure out how to make WGF feel good.

That being said, remember the carrot and the stick: adulterous affair=bad, committed relationship with solid history=good. Normally, exposure would be called for an affair situation, but I understand the special circumstances you are facing.

But, if OP is not "out", exposure would be a big ole bombshell on the affair. I don't know if it would come back to bite you, I don't know "outing etiquette".

What is your current feelings on exposure? Do WGF and OW work together? If so, is there a no hanky panky in the office policy?

Thanks for your support, Tired......

Thanks, Jean. I just want to die right now – NOT literally, but emotionally. I’m leaving work today at noon. I’ll go home, where I’ll be alone to work in the yard, cry and smoke.
Yes!!!!! I’m just so fricking saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddd….I don’t know what to do this minute, this day, this weekend –anything!!!! She is coming over on Sunday to work on the fence – I just confirmed it. Part of me wants to just not be there. Part of me wants to be there. When I asked her this morning “What is so special about OP????” she said “I can’t talk about it right now, I’ll talk to you this weekend.” Now, I find myself not wanting to know ANYTHING about why OP is so special. Don’t want to talk about it at all. I don’t know if I can really be around her anymore. I asked this morning “Why do you still do things with me – is it because of guilt? Because you want to let me down easy? Or because you really want to?” She said “I still want to spend time with you.” I said “Does OP know that?” She said “Yes.” I DON’T WANT TO BE BUDDIES with her!!!! How can I hang out with her as a “friend” when in my heart, she is my G???? How can I pretend???? How can I make WG feel good about herself when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out and try to get her to see that she is making a big mistake? How do I have cheerful conversation when my heart is in a million pieces????
I fantasized about exposure this morning. Since OP is not cheating on anybody (though she has) and since they do not directly work TOGETHER and since WG “officially” “broke up” with me, I can’t see how any kind of exposure would help me at all.
The etiquette is that it is NOT my place.

Jean, thanks so much for your support. I hope to get some more feedback on how to proceed. I was seriously thinking about a Plan B letter, but I don’t think I’m in a position to do that. She is still paying some joint bills (cell, insurance, mortgage—more than 1/2) and my daughter and I are still on her insurance at work. If I do Plan B letter, my fear is that she will start handing some of those things back to me and I cannot afford those things right now.
A friend at work suggested that, instead of the Plan B letter, to verbally tell her that “For right now, this is too hard for me, I can’t be your buddy right now and I need to not be in touch for a while.”
What are your thoughts? And anybody else’s too – please.

I am by no means an expert, but my theory on plan B is that it doesn't work until the WP will miss you. You need to be filling some need of the WP before you cut off contact with them UNLESS you are getting so disgusted with WP that you are about to lose the last bit of love you have for them

I know how hard it is being pleasant with the person who is stomping your heart out. BUT, look at it this way. The Waywards learned to lie and fake it with us while they were carrying on, surely we can smile and make nicey nice if we keep our eye on the prize. We are smarter than they are because they are running on less than a full tank of brains right now.

Hi Chaka,
Remember BREATHE?
Now to do a plan B you have to do a complete plan A. Make YOU look great. So if you have to go to plan B, she has the memory of the great you! You may end up there, but for now you must do a stellar plan A. Look and show your best. When she comes over Sunday wear something comfy but nice on you. Then you have a snack or what ever, with the fixings. Then compliment her on what she has done for you, etc. Do not do any LBs. Look and act your best.
Do this each time you 2 get together, talk on the phone, etc. Send her a nice card, homemade, to her apt. Thank her for the afternoon. Keep doing these little things that she will like. If she likes movies of a certian kind, buy her one, and send it with a note. Etc. these little things go a long way.
Think about how you 2 first met and dated. What did you do on dates, where did you go, what did you get her, what did she order, etc. Then try to do one or 2 a week for her. If she likes poems, write her one and read it. Just remember each time you talk to her or see her to show your best. Do this as long as you still have love for her, while working on you. Set a timeframe if necessary. But move to plan B if needed before your love is gone for her, to keep what you have left.
Then you can do a plan B. Read up on them both, and read it again. Keep learning, keep reading, keep posting.
This will keep your feet firmly on the ground. Yes you hurt, and yes it is hard, but is she worth it. This is your choice. Your choice to put it all out there, or your choice to withdraw. Only you can make that choice, and the changes you need to do. It is all up to you.
JE

Well, not quite. Plan B is a recognition that you cannot end the affair. It's letting the affair play out. Meanwhile, you begin to recover your personal sanity, and prepare for two eventualities: 1) recovery, in which case you will need all the strength and sanity you can muster; and 2) divorce, in which case you will need all the strength and sanity you can muster.

It is not about manipulating your spouse.

Yes, it's wonderful if you can do a wonderful Plan A beforehand. That part of the script, however, is not entirely in our hands.

Plan B forces the WG into a "cold turkey" withdrawal instead of the gradual withdrawal she is hoping for. That's kind of what happened in my case. Yes, my Plan B helped him insulate himself from the effect his affair was having on others; but I also think it was hard on the affair. I can't "prove" that -- because in Plan B you can't. But everything points to misery in the current situation of OW and the man I call Jabba.

I still think Plan B might be a good option in this case.

However, failing that, how about a 180? When WG comes over to fix things up, you are just about to depart somewhere, wearing a party dress and looking very happy. Or dressed casually, packing a picnic hamper for two in the back of your car. If asked, you are mysterious -- "off with a friend" ... "oh, no one you know" ... "look, I'd love to chat, but I haven't the time. I'm late."

(Make sure you lock the door with the new locks when you go.)

This serves two functions: 1) it lets her know that SHE is losing YOU; 2) it gets you out of the house so you won't have to look at her, and it keeps you from getting weepy and demanding.

I think exposure, in this case, is a mixed bag. With gay couples, the shock and outrage you are expecting from others, as well as the support, might not happen.

Since the OP isn't out ... will your exposure of them help OP do the work she doesn't want to do, thus making it easier for them?

The idea of exposure is to put pressure on the affair. I'm not sure in this case it will work.

I just recently read Tough Love by James Dobson as well. It was a great book.

Chaka-

Are you married? I didn't see anything in your initial post that said that you were.....WG=Wayward Girlfriend?

I don't even know how to approach the sitch if that's the case.

God Bless,

-Caren

Hi ladies,

I just got back from my first yoga class -- it felt good and the atmosphere and teacher were great. First, I want to say again that I am so GRATEFUL for your input and was very happy to open this thread and see more perspectives.

While it is sunny (it's supposed to rain tomorrow) and I have the energy, I'm going to go plant some annuals and work on the never-ending hedge trimming job I started two weeks ago. Later this afternoon or evening, I will respond to your replies and solicit a little feedback on what my therapist and I decided might be good for me right now -- and which kinda conflicts with Plan A -- which still seems plausible to me -- agggghghhghghghhh!!!! Can't she just come back already??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Enjoy your morning.

So Chaka.....is this your girlfriend or your Wife that we're discussing?

God Bless,

-Caren

Okay, I never did get to the computer this weekend. This is the update to my horrible situation. I appreciate your time and ALL of your comments, support and suggestions.

Friday morning, after hearing that WG and OP were “exclusive,” I called my therapist and left a tearful message stating what happened and that I was obviously devastated and, yet again, at a loss as to what to do or think. I left work at noon on Friday. I went to a meeting at DD’s school and then home to work in the yard. While working in the yard, I thought a lot about the upcoming Sunday when WG was coming to the house to work on the fence. I vacillated between wanting to be there, not wanting to be there, etc. Once I had calmed down, I sent WG a text that said “I’m sorry for kinda losing my composure this morning—especially while you were working.” She wrote back “I’m ok with you being mad or whatever. I deserve it.” I replied: “Actually, my love, I wish it was anger because it would be easier. It’s pain. I’d rather die a slow death than to feel this pain. Hope you have a good Friday. Always, with love—Me.” She wrote back: “Thanks. You can call me later if you want. See you on Sunday.” A minute later, I added “I don’t want to talk about anything sad or painful on Sunday.” She answered: “Okay. If you need to, it will be alright.” My therapist called me Friday afternoon and, after talking to her and doing some thinking, I had decided that it would be too painful to be be “buddies” with WG and that I could not handle her being that emotionally involved with OP. I decided to tell her that I needed a few weeks to myself to gather my thoughts or whatever – without contact with each other. After the few weeks, I would decide whether to remain in contact or go to Plan B.

Got up early Saturday morning and went to yoga, then spent eight hours straight working on the front yard (it’s looking awesome!). During that time, I thought (of course) about WG, us, the relationship and OP constantly!! In the end, I thought “Don’t give up yet” and kept hearing over and over what I’ve read here – that most affairs die a natural death within six months. I decided that I could hang on and continue Plan A for a while longer, but that I would start writing my Plan B letter in preparation.

By Sunday morning, I was looking forward to seeing WG and felt confident that I could be around her without love-busting or talking about R or OP. I spent the morning cleaning/organizing the garage and packing more of her things and labeling the boxes with her name. She was late – of course – seems to be a new habit for somebody whom I’ve always know to be earlier than punctual. Oh, well. When she got there, I was cheerful, but didn’t initiate a hug and neither did she. Am I supposed to? I’m so confused on what kind of affection, attention, etc. that “I” should be initiating. (Please make suggestions.) She was in a good mood, but tired. She was looking around at the progress in the yard and then at the boxes with her name on them. I started putting things in her car and then her demeanor totally changed. I reached for her and briefly hugged her and said “What happened?” She said “I don’t know” and pulled away and went to the restroom.

I followed her to the back yard and said “Please tell me what happened” and took her hands and then hugged her. She held me tight and said “I don’t know.” I said “Is it the boxes?” She said “Yeah… …it’s just weird. I mean, I knew it would happen eventually, but it’s just weird. It’s okay.” I kept hugging her and said “Y’know, I’d like to leave all of your stuff here and I’d like you to bring all of your other things back. I am giving you things that you will actually use.” Then I said “Do you know I love you more than anything in the world?” She nodded her head. We hugged a little more, then went inside to finish [her] coffee and then I wanted to give her a gift (personalized license plate) that I ordered a couple months ago. She was very happy with it – and surprised. Then we got to work outside.

We went to Lowe’s together to get wood for the fence.
Everything was fine. Lighthearted. Comfortable. On the way back, I told her that my orthodontist wanted to make sure that she wasn’t changing jobs for at least two years, because it would effect the insurance coverage. She said “Nope. So, you’re stuck with me for two years at least.” I said “I’d rather be stuck with you for life.” She said “Yeah, wait till you get to the angry stage.” I asked “Do you think I haven’t felt anger?” She said “Probably.” I said “I have felt anger, but my love is bigger than my anger.” She said “Yeah, but I worry that the day will come that you will cut me off completely.” I said “If I ever do that, it won’t be out of anger.”

We worked on the fence/in the yard for a good 3-4 hours.
It was really enjoyable – except when I stole into the house to read her text messages on her phone. The mush and gush between her and OP was nauseating. “I’m going to miss you this weekend.” “I hate flying.” (Obviously OP went out of town which explains why they took Thursday off together and why WG was even available this weekend.) “I’m snuggling with your pillow.” “I miss you.” “I miss you too.” “I can’t wait to talk to you on your new phone.” "I miss sleeping with you." "If we had talked, I would have stayed." It was sickening, but it also hurt a lot.

Is this love? Is it fantasy? They talk and text constantly and it is obvious they are spending overnights with each other. Am I a fool to think this could be temporary? Somebody???

When we were finished with the fence/yard, WG, DD and I were in the garage talking about cell phone numbers and WG said “the only number I know by heart besides my own is yours” and I quipped “It’s the only number you need to remember.” J After that, I said “So, what do you want to do?” Earlier, I had suggested one of our favorite restaurants and then going to Verizon to look at phones. So, that’s what we did. We had a really great time at dinner. (Except when she was in the restroom forever – my suspicious mind is sure she was texting OP.) We talked and laughed and talked and laughed.

Shortly after we got home, she left. And, of course, I haven’t heard from her and probably won’t for who knows how long. OP is probably back and when I am out of sight, I’m out of mind. That reminds me, when we talked on the phone last Tuesday, I said “When you said you were moving out, you said that you ‘needed time to sort out your thoughts about us – to see if you wanted to continue to work on things…’ have you done that at all?” She said “Not very much.” Gosh, I wish I had found MB BEFORE she moved out!!!

So, here’s what I’m thinking. I’m thinking, if I can stand it and continue to hang in there, I will do Plan A till April 9th (Three months from D-Day). I am surviving Plan A only because of this site and you folks. Without it, I’d have thrown in the towel by now for sure! I just keep trying to convince myself and believe that she is in the clouds, her brain is scrambled, she is under the influence, etc. April 9th -- Plan B. At least that’s the plan.

I might sound like a broken record, but I’m so torn and confused about my role in Plan A – besides being calm, understanding, no angry outbursts, etc. I’m confused about what to do proactively. I don’t know if I should call – or whether I need a “good reason” to call. I don’t know about initiating visits. I don’t know about sending cards or other kinds of notes (that are not functional (house related). I don’t know where the line is between doing a good Plan A and being a doormat. Especially because she and OP are “exclusive.” She said to me on Thursday “….I want to continue to spend time with you…,” but is that on her terms and initiation only?

And, I have a BIG question about the Plan B letter. I’ve seen that some people send it to the OP. What do you think about this? I have had NO contact with OP since the night I called in anger and devastation and said “You can have her now – she’s single!” What purpose would it serve to send her a copy of the letter?

She told me on the 14th of February that she does miss me "a lot" and that she doesn't know if that "helps or hurts." Both. I wonder if she still misses me. I wonder if she is too caught up in the infidelity drug to even think about me. We did have a really good time yesterday, so I hope it reminded her, at least a little, of what she saw in me or what we had together.

I have so much heartache and Friday night I cried more than I have in weeks. But, I cannot say that I am to the point of being disgusted with her. Honestly, it is still shock. I say to myself over and over again "How could she?" "Why?" etc., etc.


That is so true!!!! And, it's weird, because when we are being lighthearted and easygoing, I wonder if she has any idea of the fear, the hurt, or the devastation this has caused.

Yeah, you are very right about being able to put on a happy face to get the prize. I sure hope WG's brains are mush right now -- it's one of the things keeping me with hope. If she had all of her faculties in tact, I'd be even more scared.

Chaka,
I listened to the MB live radio, and Dr. Harley discussed plan B. In sort of his words, plan b is like a trial D, legal separation, with no direct communication only thru a mediator.
But if you are thinking plan b, you will need more experienced people here. I have never done plan b.
Do you need her for financial support? That will be hard in your case, no kids together, no peice of paper, no real legal recourse I wouldnt think, but dont know for sure.
JE

Hi JE,


Yes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thank you for the reminder. It does help--when I do it.


I am trying!! Really, I am. I have not even once raised my voice with her; I haven't argued with her; I haven't cut her off; the one or two times I've interrupted her, I've caught myself and quickly apologized; I encourage (by actively listening) her to talk about her work and anything else; I have lost 28 pounds and gone down two sizes; I've started the process of "dealing with my demons" from my childhood; I'm reading SAA; I'm keeping the house very clean; I've worked my behind off in the yard -- I always helped, but she did the majority of the work. She did compliment it twice on Sunday; I always try to look nice when I'm around her; I'm more consistent in my discipline and interactions with my daughter; I complimented the nice and speedy work on the fence; and... ...that's all I can think of now. I'm thinking about looking for a personal growth workshop. Don't know if I can afford one, but would like it for myself. Have any of you ever attended one?


Ya know, those are good ideas -- I don't know about a homemade card though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> A "Thank you" card -- for the time she put into the work and the nice afternoon. So, you don't think she'll see these things as futile or manipulative since she has told me she and OP are "exclusive"? Gawd, what if she told me to please not send anything else -- that it's not appropriate given her "relationship" with OP?


I definitely still have love -- tons of it. As you may have read, my tentative timeframe is April 9th. That will have given her three months with OP -- two of which will have been out of our house. That is April 9th if I can stand it that long. It IS hard. I will say that I'm getting better about NOT obsessing on the Verizon online bill. I've only checked it ONCE today, and only once on the weekend. I've kinda been telling myself that it's only going to hurt me and I'm going to just see more of the same.


I will. I will. I'm reading so much of this board and forum that I think I'm becoming an addict. I even print threads out to read while on breaks or for later.


She is definitely worth it. She is the one person who ever fully loved, accepted and treated me like gold. Is it totally crazy that this was so much of a wake-up call to me that I feel more love for her than I have in a really long time? I guess I realized how much I had taken for granted and how my reactions and frailties had hurt her (which is NOT an excuse for cheating).

I'm going to try really hard to not withdraw. It is hard, as you all know. Especially because my M.O. has always been to protect myself at all costs--up to and including shutting the person out completely.

I ABSOLUTELY do. At this point, she offered to keep paying more than half the mortgage till my daughter graduates (2008), the auto insurance and the cell phone bill. She did agree to this month's cable bill. I might have to downsize that because it can be hefty.

You are RIGHT about my having no legal recourse. I have NOTHING to go by except her word/promise which is, without a doubt, motivated by guilt and obligation. If I had broken up with her/cheated on her, I guarantee that that help would NOT be there. I just have to hope that (a) she comes to her senses and recommits before the extra expenses wear on her nerves; or (b) that she keeps her word for the whole two years. I have asked her to not do a change of address or change her address with her employer because that can be very detrimental to our health benefits--if we are not living together, I cannot be on her health insurance.

I wish we were -- then I wouldn't be so worried about legal recourse if she should change her mind about the financial support. A couple days after D-Day, when I said to her "What if we were married??!!??!!" She said "...we basically are...." Maybe that will help you see the situation/relationship as typical as most here, Caren. We have been together over five years and have lived together in a committed [previously] monogamous relationship, for over four years. Yes, WG is wayward girlfriend. Maybe I should be using WGF, but WG is easier now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, WHY is that?!?!?! I could NOT believe it when none of our mutual friends (who really are more her friends) didn't even call!! Finally one did and told WG "I know friends typically stay on one side, but Chaka was really there for me when Alex cheated on me and I'm going to be there for her." She finally did call me a few days later. Another couple we know has NEVER called -- and we were all four buds. What in the world is wrong with a simple "Are you okay?" I'M NOT THE ONE WHO BETRAYED MY WG!!!! I just don't get it. Same with WG's family. When a sister-in-law cheated and left her husband last year, the whole family was OUTRAGED!!! Only ONE of them (out of six possible) has called me since D-Day. I talked to WG's mom on the phone a couple weeks ago for nearly an hour and not once did she mention the affair, the break-up, WG's moving out or a simple "How are you doing?" But, they've managed to call WG to make sure she is okay and to see if she needs anything. Hello??????????? People.


Because OP is closeted, I would do more harm than good by exposing. And, since the OP is not cheating on anybody, I don't see how exposure would help me at all. I have no doubt that such a betrayal of community etiquette would be horrible for me and would cause WG to lose a lot of respect for me as a person -- not just as her [former] girlfriend. You just don't do that.


I agree -- reluctantly. I WISH the OP was in involved in a relationship. I wish, I wish, I wish!!! Or, I wish one or the other of them worked directly above the other -- or even at the same location so I'd have the work angle -- but then there is the "outing" issue, which makes it all moot.