Chaka,

Do you care for her? If so you want her happy, right? Wouldn't you hate it after all of this she was NOT happy? What a waste of pain, and emotions.

Chaka, you are missing something here and it is NOT your GF. You are missing the part about your life being about you. You are missing the part about how you need to find happiness within you, and peace as well. You are mistaking the pain you feel as being because of your GF decisions, rather than what is or is not inside YOU.

Yes, she did something that hurt you very much. You feel you did not measure up somehow or you failed. It is common. If you would quit focusing on her and look inside you will KNOW it was not so much about you or what you did or did not do. It was your GF's choice and she made it for HER happiness, not yours.

Now let's think about this for a second. Do you want to have a close friend be one because they are afraid of hurting you? Do you want to have her stay when she feels no commitment to do so? No! I think what you need to do is get YOUR life squared away so that you are happy with yourself, and your direction in life. Then when you find someone you will have a better idea of their level of commitment and level of compatibility. If her life is heading in the same direction as your. If her goals are compatible with yours. If she is happy with herself as you are with yourself, THEN you have a chance at a good friendship, relationship, whatever.

It seems from what you have posted that your relationship was out of balance and had been for some time. You need to evaluate this.

Now I know you are hurt, and down. And I know what I have told you to do is not easy, BUT... it is really simple. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Focus on yourself and you will be surprised at yourself and what you learn. This is an opportunity to learn about yourself and what you really need, and want in life.

If you fail to do this, you will have similar results in your next relationship. That is what this site is about...LEARNING so that the same mistakes are not made again and again. It is after all while people that divorce the first time are more likely to divorce the second and the third time. The do not learn and they make the same mistakes over and over, with...SURPRISE the same results.

Enjoy the fact that she is happy, but make sure you figure out what makes you happy, and if the answer comes back her, then you have failed the test, because clearly she was NOT the one for you or this would NOT have happened.

Think about it.

JL

JL is absolutely right. Why am I posting this? Just to emphasize the point. And to look at it from another direction.

In Buddhism, one of the things they teach is that you have the seeds of all things, good and bad, inside of you. Depending on the external stimuli, various things grow. You have the seeds of anger and hurt and vengeance and rage and tears and grief. They're all part of you and cannot be destroyed or excised.

They can, however, be transformed.

When one of the "negative" emotional seeds grows, then it feels as though it has taken over. Maybe some external event causes the seed to grow. In your case, Chaka, it's your girlfriend's departure that did it.

Like JL said, though, you can't look to her to fix it. I'm not saying that she's not the one for you, and I'm not sure that JL is right about that part. What I am saying is that once the seeds of an afflictive emotion have grown, then no one outside of you can do anything about those. Those are yours to work with.

The cool thing is that you -can- work with them. You can sit with them, you can listen to them, you can comfort them. Think of your children get when they're upset. You comfort them by holding them and cuddling them and speaking calmly. And that works a whole lot better than screaming at them to shut up and stop crying.

Same thing is true internally. The first step is to calm the afflictive emotion, to comfort it, to listen to what it has to say (but not to act on that!). It will take you some practice to be able to listen to your own emotions calmly and without a panic, but it is possible to do it.

And it would be a really good idea to start.

If you'd like more information, I suggest that you pick up the book Anger: Wisdom to Cool the Flames by Thich Nhat Hanh. It's an excellent resource. You might also want to look for You Don't Have to Take It Anymore by Steven Stosny. His methods are firmly rooted in ethics and compassion training, and are very effective for even the most extreme cases of afflictive emotions.

It might sound crazy to say "I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!" but that's what my mind/heart is singing right now.

Both of your posts have REALLY helped me (and some of what you say is duplicative almost to the letter to what my therapist tried to help me see last night).

So much of what you both say is absolutely dead on -- I'm going to print these two pages and keep them with me to read and read again.

Okay, me, it's not about you. She made her choices for her. It wasn't about me.

I'm going to check out those books on Amazon and then, at lunch time, I'll go to the book store to get at least one of them. My therapist also recommended "Surviving the Loss of a Love" or something like that. She said it's a lot of poetry.

And, I have group (for survivors of childhood sexual abuse) tonight. Excited about that. And, I need to find another hobby or something. I wish I had more friends to DO things (other than talk about relationships) with. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Thinking about tennis. I've been working like crazy on the yard and the sense of accomplishment is nice. I went out with a friend on Saturday to a bar/dance club -- realized I am NOT ready for that for another good while. Another hobby. Something to get me out of the house. Inexpensive. Any ideas? I could ride my bicycle - the weather is getting nicer. I'm going to take the motorcycle safety class in a couple of months and hopefully buy a motorcycle by the end of summer. I'm taking a handgun safety class in May -- and will then take the next class they offer for women. I also really want to skydive and bungee jump. Just some thoughts of things I think about to keep me busy. I need more ideas on things that don't cost much and can be ongoing. Maybe I should check out United Way's volunteer thing again.

Between my therapist last night and your two posts, I am feeling really good right now -- optimistic I guess is the right word.

THANK YOU!!!!!! I really do appreciate the time and effort you put into helping me see things differently. And, thanks so much for the book recommendations, JJ.

The sun is shining and it's going to be a good day -- and hopefully good week. With the time change, I don't always have to wait for the weekend to work in the yard.

Okay, guess I'll get some work done.

Want a hobby? Go to the Motley Fool web site (www.fool.com) and learn all you can about financial responsibility. Remember that you need to be financially independent and not rely on your girlfriend for your housing and other needs. It will be time very, very well spent.

Hi Just J,

I am familiar with the site and will go check it out again. However, not exactly what I had in mind for a hobby. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I did order a program (including a physical workbook) from Financial Recovery Institute. I'm hoping that will help me to develop a healthier relationship with money.

I'm nearly 40 years old. WG and I were together for five+ years. Before that, I've been independent since I was 18 years old -- including being a single parent for most of my daughter's life (all but the last five years). I may have given the wrong impression about my financial situation. I don't WANT to move out of our house and I LIKE that WG is covering the majority of our mortgage. I LIKE that WG is still covering the auto insurance and the cell phone. However, I am handling all of the other household and my personal bills, including a small college fund for my DD and a life insurance policy ($115 per month) for myself. So, I'm not in dire straits and don't expect that to ever happen as I am employed and am very employable.

That being said, IF WG decides to jump ship on her promises to cover those bills, I KNOW I will be okay. I may have to move to a smaller house (which I would be able to purchase with my share of the equity) and I may have to cut back on expenses or pick up a part-time job, but by no means am I dependent upon WG for my livelihood or financial survival.

I hope I'm not coming off as defensive. That is so not my intent. I just get a feeling that I may have mis-stated my financial situation somewhere along the line and I'm hoping this will clear things up.

This is the link to Surviving the Loss of Love . I think this is what your therapist was talking about. Good Reading.

Yes, that does clear things up, Chaka. Though I wasn't worried about your overall financial picture, I'm always concerned when someone is relying on another person to pay for part or all of their basic necessities. It's too easy for it to become leverage and an ugly battleground, even if everyone starts out with the best of intentions.

And yes, it seems like a very good idea to continue to improve your financial situation. Though I'm rather liberal in some ways, I'm about as fiscally conservative as .... well, a banker's daughter. (Which I am.)

As for other hobbies, how about something that creates community for you and your kids? A gardening or landscaping class might be something you enjoy, too, or a book club. Or, heck, go out on a limb and try something completely new. Country line dancing? Israeli folkdance? Sea kayaking?