It’s been a WHILE since I’ve been here, don’t know if anyone even remembers me here.

So for anyone that doesn’t… I’m 29, male, divorced in early 2005, after my XW’s numerous affairs, and a 1.5 year separation.

I self-imposed some time off, from here, and from other post-divorce dating stuff, just to sort of re-center myself… Catch my breath, if you will…

Anyway, my post-divorce dating experience has not been the greatest. Perhaps some combination of bad luck, age range of those that I was attracted to, my basic dating ineptness, and other stuff, had me meeting a long line of those that just weren’t “cutting it…” In fact I had pretty much given up on the concept for the time being, and assumed (half-jokingly) that all women were… I think the word I used was “crappy”……

But post-D life was great. I have done so much, experienced so much… I was happy… Except… Well, you know.

One night in mid-December, I was (literally) dragged out one night. I had gone to an NBA game with a friend, and was dressed for that (hat, t-shirt, etc.) and had planned on going home. Well, a phone call from a couple of friends, and some arm twisting, and I agree to go out. I have a minimal amount of cash on me, and I’m not exactly dressed to “go out.” I agree to pay a cover charge, have one drink and then I “had to go…” My friend was having no part of this, and convinced me that he was buying drinks for the group the rest of the night…. I agreed, and although I’m not the heaviest drinker, ended up with A LOT of drinks, and being out REALLY late. The night was kind of hazy… But one part stood out…. We ran into someone I had gone to high school with, and some of her friends. We didn’t know each other well, but we knew OF each other… It wasn’t anything major that night, just a “Hello, haven’t seen you in forever…” thing. But, even in my state, I was blown away. Stopped in my tracks. And that doesn’t happen to me very often.

One of my friends that was with me that night plays music/sings (Me and my harmonica have since joined him…) at a place in our old hometown. We invited them to “the gig” the following week. And that was that for that night.

As my haze wore off the next day… One part of the night stood out. Her.

I had dinner with my best friend and his wife the following night. I was telling them about my foolishness…. And told them one word about her… “WOW”

The gig came and went the next week. And she didn’t show. And it sucked for me, because I didn’t have the wits to get her number that night… So I wrote it off, as “I’ll never see her again…”

The following weekend, I had a Christmas get together with my best friend and his wife again. She had told her sister about what I had said, and who I had run into… Her sister is friends with “her” sister… The information gets relayed around (you know how that goes) and the message comes back to me that she would love to meet me. I’m astounded. Me? ME? Wow…

Of course, the ladies try to arrange a set up… New Year’s, birthday get-togethers, all come and go… Nothing… Again… I wash it out to sea. Again.

One of the ladies involved in the setup is out to watch me and my best friend’s soccer game… I ask her: “Hey. Whatever happened with “her?”…” She told me about trying to set us up again, etc… I told her: “Look… Between the two of us, we’ve been on the planet for about 60 years. You give her my phone number. Give me her phone number. It’s not rocket science.”

The next weekend, I’m handed a piece of paper with her home number on it.

So I call. Voicemail. Damn. But it has her cell number on her message… So I don’t leave a message and proceed to call her cell phone the next day… No voicemail on the cell! Crap! So now what? Flustered and out of ideas, I make one last attempt… I call her home the next day… And leave a funny/stupid voicemail about me practicing really hard and finally figuring out how to make a phone call AND leave a voicemail, and wanting to celebrate my achievement. I figured that she’d think I was insane at this point, but I figured I’d give it a shot… I never expected to hear from her again…

I was on my way out of state the next day for a soccer tournament, and my phone rings… It’s her! I talked to her, and we set up a dinner date for that Monday, when I get back in town. That day comes… She calls…. And she cancels. I was kind of upset, and I figured that I wouldn’t call her again… My “crap tolerance” is pretty low…



Fast forward to today. Last night was our 4th official “date.” And we’ve had a couple of other “get-togethers” in the past month in addition to that. I DID call her again after the first time, and we’ve gone out every week since then. Things are going really well… At first I was hesitant a little, probably just because I’m naturally cautious now (I wonder why…). She’s an amazing person – smart, beautiful, great job… we really have a lot in common, a lot to talk about... And for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t absolutely crazy about her. But as time went on, a little spark has developed, and when we talk in person or on the phone, it’s awesome…

It’s not really crazy for either of us yet. (I don’t think….) Because of our schedules, we can only see each other in person once (maybe twice) a week without killing ourselves. But I think things are developing nicely right now.

But, I do have some questions. Do I need to concern myself with / attempt to have “that discussion?” We have discussed relationships in general, but we haven’t breached the “us” topic. Should I? I’m not trying to force a relationship or anything like that, but I really am starting to grow fond of her… Or will that just “happen” at some point? We’ve established that we get along with each other. We’ve established that there is a physical attraction there… And it seems like the pieces are there to “give it a shot…”

Recommendations? Suggestions?

Ethan

Are you saying you want to be exclusive?
It sounds sweet!

How I handled it with my BF (since I wasn't sure he would know to bring it up...) was I just told him that "I have decided I'm not going to date anyone else but you, I'd like to see how things turn out with us, without any distractions..." He seemed to appreciate that straightforwardness. I think his response was something like "good, me too."

There wasn't any big "discussion" to it, LOL.

"Exclusive"

Hmmmm.... that's scary sounding...

But yeah, I think I would. If I made a list of everything I was looking for in someone else... She's got it....

Am I madly in love with her? Nah... Which is weird for me, because I've always been a "faller"... But it seems like the more I learn about her, the more I want to find out about her.

I am a little concerned about pushing her away... but I guess there's only one way to find out if we're thinking the same way, and that's to talk about it...

The way you did it seems very non-scary...

I think its natural to find yourself more cautious.

The way I did it was more like a personal decision for ME, no participation required on his part. More like just letting him know what MY plan was.

And it was probably right along the same timeline you're dealing with -- a month or so into dating. Although at the time I had been dating several guys and he was dating no one, so I took the bull by the horns (cuz I don't think it would have occurred to him that it was neccessary to clarify things... LOL)

(By the way, its six months later and I am extremely happy with him.)

Well, like I said...

My primary concern is adding pressure to the situation...

So I may or may not approach it the next time we get together.

I don't really have any one else that I'm seeing, although I did have a date with someone else for a Mardi Gras Ball this past weekend. And while I had a crush on my date for a while (she's on my soccer team).... I don't anymore and she doesn't hold a candle to "her"...

I don't believe that she is seeing anyone else...

So. We'll see...

Hey Ethan….I just wanted to say……..”Hey Ethan”

Good to see you around here again….I’ll be single in less than 2 weeks…..does your friend have a friend? In Canada?

Anyways, everything I know about women I could write on a Smartie with a grease pencil, but I’ll throw in my $0.02 anyways.

This seems like a simple enough risk/benefit situation. What do you hope to gain by bringing this up with her? What are the potential risks?

If you bring it up and you get the answer you’re looking for what changes other than gaining some peace of mind. Will it change how you interact with her? If she’s not really that interested I’m sure she’ll let you know in a not so subtle fashion regardless. Why push the issue prior to her getting the full benefit of your charismatic self?

The risk part is she’ll feel like there’s pressure on her to feel a certain way and/or gets the impression you’re “clingy”. Neither are known aphrodisiacs as far as I know.

I’m sure at some point it will be obvious where things are going or you will be able to light-heartedly and with a good dose of your wit get the answers your require. My vote is leave it alone until you get a good read on her and your situation. As you gain a sense of intimacy it won’t be an uncomfortable topic to broach in a “Furnitureman” manner and the risk of getting a face full of mace is diminished.

Binder,

I hope things are going in a direction that is best for you.

I had actually chosen not to breach the topic with her...

The last time we spoke was Friday, over the phone.

The past week was weird. We talked over the phone every night, and not a "hey, hello" type conversation... Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were 1.5 hour, 2 hour conversations. She was off on Thursday and Friday. (She works in a medical field and had to work Saturday through this Friday) So, Thursday was her "Saturday." I offered to take her out to eat, and she wanted to watch "Walk The Line", so we went to her place to watch said movie. The date ended as our past one did, with a wonderful kiss...

I spoke with her by phone on Friday. I wished her a good weekend, offered for her to come and do something with some friends and I on Saturday if she wanted. She declined so she could have dinner with one of her female friends.

I haven't called her since Friday to "give it some air." But now it's been a few days.... I haven't called. She hasn't called.

Hmmmmm....

I sent her a text message this morning... wishing her a great day at work.

So, I don't know.....

I would hope that she would be curious to see how my soccer game went yesterday.... or how my meeting with my boss went today... or to say thanks for an encouraging message on a Monday morning...

I wouldn't think she would talk to me for hours at a time, if she wasn't interested, right?...

I wouldn't think she would continue to say yes to dates, if she wasn't interested, right?...

I wouldn't think that she would kiss me, on more than one occasion, is she wasn't interested, right?...

So, I don't know.... I'm a little confused about how to proceed here. I don't want to be clingy, but I don't want her to think that I'm ignoring her for some reason....

Right now, I feel like we're having this staring contest about who is going to call...

And I felt like we had built some momentum, and didn't want to mess that up...

I have this thing where I play music on Tuesday nights, not far from where she lives. She said last week that she might bring one of her friends to watch us play. So I suppose whether or not she shows up tomorrow will say a lot.

Any suggestions?

Ethan

she needed to discuss her feelings and process you with the female friend. . . not sure how that went. . . but just continue on with your life, and she can choose to join you or not. . . you made the last move with the text message. . . balls in her court. .. and keep on living a good life, being available. . .

wiftty

Hmmmm.....

Didn't think about that aspect of it.

Perhaps her friend told her just to lay low for a while...

Perhaps she doesn't see it going anywhere , and this is her way of telling me.

Perhaps she's been excessively busy.

Perhaps I just have an annoying tendency to overanalyze the bejesus out of everything, and I'm blowing all this out of proportion....

Hmmmm....

Ethan -- ....slow down.

Take a different approach. Stop trying to read her mind. Stop trying to analyze her actions / non-actions.

Decide what YOU want...then act accordingly.
You'll have so much more peace in your life!

Unfortunately, the answer can easily be "Wrong". I dated a woman who was happy to talk to me for hours every night, to be taken out on dates to nice restaurants and theater (hint, guess who paid??), and to kiss at the end (heck, kissing is fun for both people <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />).

So, I [censored]-u-med that she must be interested. Turned out I was wrong; I was nothing more than a placeholder until something better came along. I kept her entertained, made her feel wanted and special, etc - and she "forgot" to tell me that she was not interested at all.

In your case, I actually would initiate one more call, just to cover your bases. Don't invite her out, just call to say "hello" and see how it goes. And after that, leave the ball in her court and see what transpires.

Gawd I hate dating games...

AGG

Word! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I agree w/ AGG.....if you are really interested in her, give her another call.

We girls expect you fellas to pursue and just how much you do, shows us just how interested you are, KWIM?

DW

I called her... everything seemed OK....

I didn't have much time to talk...which sucked...

But I have a 45 minute ride home from school tomorrow night, and I've made a habit out of calling her on my way home...

So, we'll see.

I was doing OK with all of this....until I figured out that I liked her....