Although we've been attempting to devote 15 hours of undivided attention, our time together hasn't been all that great. Dr. Harley says it's supposed to be BEST 15 hours of our week but it has been far from that. We simply don't know how to enjoy each other's company nor have fun together, in part because we don't enjoy the same things. The few recreational activities we both enjoy are passive i.e. reading.

I would LOVE to have fun with H and I long for quality communication but he's content to sit and watch TV; not that he does it because he knows that doesn't count towards our 15 hrs, so we just sit around trying to come up with something to do until it's time for bed. It is very frustrating!

We've completed the Recreational Companionship questionaire and after adding the postive scores have very little to choose from.

We completed the Communicattion Chapter in the HNHN home study course last night and his attitude belittled the subject, even though I had him read MY copy of the book in which I highlighted the areas most important to me.

I'm really at a loss as to how to proceed. While H is making an effort to display affection, the majority of our 15 hours is a real disappointment.

Does anyone have any suggestions for our dilemma? I'd greatly appreciate input/advice/suggestions. Also, to those who have attended the MB Seminar, will this specific topic be address? Many thanks!

I think we are married to the same man, except substitute a computer for the TV. I would also love to hear some input. We are taking our first cruise next week but I know that's just a temporary fix and as soon as we get back home he's right back on the computer

We also have a toddler child so I know that adds to the lack of quality time but I'm trying hard. I'm even the one with the higer sex drive. Sometimes it just feels so lonely. In fact when any of his friends stop by to visit I practically pounce on them just to have a new person to talk to- (besides my girlfriends).

Whenever I try to get him to read anything about improving our life, he doesn't see the point because he's content.

I feel like I'm being sucked into a whole lot of nothingness and can't find a way to make it enjoyable. When I do, it feels false.

I may not be the one you want to hear from.. but I can give you my insight... because I was there... I know...

I alienated my W and 4DS's over TV/computers/garage stuff.... work would have me leaving at 4:30am and coming home at 6pm. THEN she wanted time with me.... I didn't 'see' how important it was to her to spend that quality undivided time together.. I was too busy getting on the puter answering 30 some odd emails ( more important to me at that time since I also run a side business... but this was WRONG THINKING). In my mind I needed MY TIME.... away from work..... the family.... but my priorities were backwards.

I see this now after some pretty hard core issues came into our relationship that almost tore us apart. I began to see the very things she was trying to tell me were warning signs of the 'end times' of our M. It was almost too late.. but I was able to get back on track and really get in touch with myself and what was really important in my life... my family... my wife... my kids.

Sorry Im dragging this out.... but I have to try and make a point... I took our M and life together for granted. I never really knew how to express my love in a way that she needed to see it. I am changing all that now....its a slow process, but its working.

As soon as I come home... I spend at least 1.5 hours of undivided attention with my W.... this has shown me an entire side of her I never really got to know. We now enjoy sharing our daily activities with each other, no matter how insignificant they may seem.

I make the attempt at EVERYTHING to do it together.... even if its walking to get the mail... cooking dinner.... playing with the kids.... even working on the trucks....I like to involve her with EVERYTHING I can... and yeah.. it may slow the progress of the activity, but how much more is it worth to us knowing we did it together and each played a part.... Having my W hand me a tool while working on the truck is AWESOME!!! especially if she shows enjoyment of the time we are spending together.... SMALL TALK is GREAT!!!! We both are very good at involving each other is whatever we are doing at the present.....

Even when I fold laundry for her to cut her a break ( we do 6 loads a day) We talk.... about the laundry.... lol!!

It may sound silly... but talk is what got most people together in the first place... so why does it go away!?!?!

The more time we spend together now, the less we want to be separated... we feel left out or lonely when we are not together..... sounds silly after 15 years and 4 kids, huh?

There is hope... communication was our downfall ( I, TOO, WAS CONTENT),... we never really talked to each other... which led to not sharing feelings.....which led to drifting apart.

I know its not what anyone wants, but it can happen right under your nose. You must make a conscious effort on both sides to engage and stay engaged. At first its a little odd, but then gets very easy and does become common place in the M once again...

For example...

Friday night, I took off early from work... 3 hours spent shopping at the mall with W.... enthusiastically helping her look for clothes ( OH PLEASE.... I really don't do good in this area, but I try). We came home and I cooked dinner and she helped with the sides.. small talk the enitre time.... After about 1.5 hours of family time, I offered to take her for dessert! So back out we went for some ice cream and another walk in the mall... very nice alone time.....

Saturday, breakfast at 10am with friends... nice... noon.... we did some more alone time all afternoon over lemonade and cookies and furniture shopping. You would be surprised what you learn about your spouses taste!!!! lol

Sunday.... I got her donuts... her favorite!!! She awoke to a hot cup of coffee and a maple bar with a rose.... her smile said it all to me.... after that we washed the trucks together and went for a walk.....

When I set my priorities straight (M and family first) everything else seems to squeeze in just right....

Good luck to you....

I suggest trying "dating" as a course of action. If possible, meet somewhere nice, somewhere new and unfamiliar, and arrive seperately. It may put a fresh spin on your marriage. Also, try giving in to doing things that he enjoys that you may not, and convincing him to do the same. You may find taht seperately you can't tolerate certain activities, but together it may be a different story.

I guess thats what I said.... in a long winded way.. lol!!! also... We talk for 1 hour on my commute home... passes the time.... and we get to comunicate....

lostonce,
Thanks for an excellent post I intend to share with my hubby, he's good but not that good!!!

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LostOnceAgain, I love your post! Thanks so much for sharing. It's refreshing...and proves that there is hope! <GRIN>

H doesn't quite seem to grasp the concept of 'undivided attention' but we're working on it. He feels that TV, movies and the like qualify as undivided attention provided we're together. I feel that at least SOME of our 'quality time' should include time that we're focused on each other. i.e. the 'small talk' you mention... we don't do much communicating during movies and we barely discuss them afterwards. Am I way off the mark here? Our communication skills need serious improvement but we seem to fumble rather than improve.

My only question/concern about doing most or everything together is regarding co-dependency. Do you, or does anyone reading this, feel that excessive 'togetherness' encourages co-dependency? How do couples be/remain extremely close and yet maintain individuality?

Great Posts!

My question to lostonceagain is what made you wake up? What made you realize you needed to work on things?

And as for the other - my hub and I have concrete finishing biz together which is swamped from now until Christmas. We let that and our toddler take over our lives - we are now trying to take steps to get ourselves back. We had a work date over the weekend without kids which did give us "moments" together - some were not very fruitful and it was kind of awkward. I have to count that as part of our attention time because sometimes thats all we have. We are trying to go to bed earlier and at the same time to cuddle instead of watching the boob tube or computer. I am trying to keep the mindset that it will take "babysteps" to get it back to good. In the meantime - I will work on me and hope that he will catch on that onesided isn't gonna get it!

I view co-dependency as an addiction, and a play off of another addictive or less healthy behavior. What to seek is interdependency - maintaining your own autonomy and world while maintaining your world with someone else. It is only co-dependent if it is unhealthy and "dependent" on the other person.

Good luck to us all!