I am a FWS (I don't know if that is right). I had a one time sexual encounter with OM approximately 16 years ago. My husband asked me to be truthful with him. I told him about this and he is completed heartbroken now and not sure if he can be with me anymore.

The first 1.5 weeks was a complete nightmare...made no better by me. I was bringing up things from his past which I felt uncomfortable with and was questioning his faithfulness to me. Anyhow, we're past that now and I have told myself not to bring that old stuff up anymore...

I love my husband very much and an truly sorry for what I have done. If I had known how much hurt this confession would have caused, I would never had told him. We've been married 20 years.

I have an appt with a MC on Monday and I am very scared. I told the MC a little about what happened. I asked her if we were going to talk about the A and she said Yes...a Lot. This scares me because I honestly don't remember a whole lot about it. That is the honest truth and I don't want to be sound as if I am withholding details. The A (which was a short meeting in a hotel) was awful during and after encounter and for many many months after that, I was overwhelmed with guilt. I wanted so badly to tell my husband at the time but was finally able to process the information, realize that I couldn't do it again and put it away. Why I came clean...I'm not really sure. Damage is done, now I have to deal with it.

Our marriage has over the years been up and down. When I asked this MC if she thought it could be saved she said if the marraige is already rocky, then NO, if it was stable, then probably so. She also said that it would have been better if I'd told him 16 years ago but on the flip side, he has 16 years after the A to see what my actions have been.

I am truly remorseful for my actions. I'm just scared about the MC appt and don't want to come off looking like I'm not disclosing all the details of the A.

I'm 43. My H will be 50 soon and is understandably worried about his age and that he wants to be with someone he can trust and who loves him back. I'm doing all I can to try and make him see that I truly love him, I'm sorry for my past actions and that I know we can truly have a great relationship if we both work on it. I don't know what else to do and now I'm worried that this MC appt may make things worse.

BTW, I have had no contact with the OM since the encounter, don't know where he lives...can't even remember his last name.

Any suggestions or comments would be appreciated. Thank you.

Scared about 1st MC appt. multiple choice
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Votes accepted starting: 03/04/06 01:20 PM
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I have more expectations that your marriage will be fine than your MC does. You might want to refer her here. There are tons of people who recover from these things.

Your husband will need to know WHY????? So you might want to figure that one out. Also he will probably want to know who the OM was in bed. For some reason, that seems to be extremely important to men.

Don't believe this. Of course you can save your marriage if you are both prepared to work through things. Strange thing for her to say.

You have made the first few steps to rebuilding your marriage by talking about things and seeing a counsellor. Make sure you are fully comfortable with the counsellor and if not, change counsellors. Their job is to help you, not instill fear in you.

ssstt,

You may not realize this NOW but I hope you will as time goes on. Your confession is an OPPORTUNITY for you and your H to have a very very special marriage from now on. It will take work, it will be painful at times, but you can rebuild this marriage. Have patience with your H AND yourself and give this time.

I am guessing but as your marriage has matured the communications have sort of failed. The expression of feelings, vulnerabilities, etc have grown less. The fears have grown more AND you have not been the comfort for one another that you both will need as you get older.

ALL of this can be addressed and should be. I mean what could you say to your H now that would hurt him more? What could you reveal about YOUR needs that would be more embarrassing? Why shouldn't he open up about his feelings now? If you consider these questions and talk with your H aobut them, I think you will see the OPPORTUNITY for what it is.

You may not realize this but in order for you to keep this secret you HAD to seal off part of your heart and your feelings. You could NOT let your H in and have him discover what you had done. Want proof? Consider that you actually told him after his inquiry rather than deny as you have done for so many years. That wall you built was hurting YOU as well, AND I would bet money your H felt it and that is why he has continued to question you about this.

You have now been honest, you can remove the wall you built to protect this secret, and you H will sense this as time goes on. He will take time to heal, but consider your counseling as an OPPORTUNITY to love your H without the walls, without restraint and will full honesty.

I am betting if you and he sieze this opportunity, your marriage will be rebuilt into something it has NOT been in many years. However, please note that they don't call recovery the roller coaster for nothing. It will be a tough go, but make the most of it and do it with an open heart.

Please read the articles here and perhaps purchase Surviving An Affair by Harley for you and your H to read.

God Bless,

JL

sssttt - have you read the Policy of Radical Honesty? I am in your husband's shoes right now. My FWW confessed a 10 year secret. She went through (is still going through) all the same thoughts and doubts that you are having. Your reactions and feelings and conflicting emotions are completely normal.

I went through a period of extreme anger at her and our pastor (and wife) who encouraged my wife to confess to me. I still have days when I wish I had never found out. But the burden that has been lifted from my wife from carrying this secret has made a huge difference in our M. We are already stronger.

As for MC - go, go, go - but find someone who is pro-marriage.

You will be able to look back on this in time and see how it has made you closer. But it will be a bumpy ride and it will be the hardest thing you and your husband have ever had to do.

Stick around here for lots of good advice and support. You are not alone.