My wife had been in an A for over 2 years. We have been in plan A for 2 months with NC being enforced.

Today she announced she HAS to contact the OM in order to get answers to all her questions!!! In addition she said the usual she has NO feelings for me anymore, but she is still in love with the OM. She was "forced" to give up the relationship, and her feelings are not going away with NC, but getting stronger. I'm finding it hard to not be the source of her unhappiness at this point.

1. Is this just withdrawal kicking in?

2. How should I approach her wanting to contact the OM?

Please help, I feel like giving up...

How was she "forced" to give up the OM? Is he married? How long have the 2 of you been married? Do you have children?

We have been married almost 16 years. We have 2 boys aged 9 & 7. She feels she was forced to give up the affair because it was the only option available to her.

Anyway I just messed up badly, I exploded and vented on her a few minutes ago and called her a ****** in God's eyes. I couldn't stop myslef when it started pouring out.

Ooops. We all have done things like that. You need to apologize.

Why is it the only option? Is the OM married?

Yes, the OM is married and I don't think his wife knows about the A. The problem is that we are a close social circle of about 20 or so families. If she decides to leave me for him she will most likely be an outcast. Furthermore if we split up, we can't afford to have 2 houses or even apartments, unless the OM wants to pay for one, which I know he can't afford!

So I guess she feels forced by society that it is "the right thing to do", and it's not her choice.

To complicate matters, I know she's had no feelings for me for at least 5 years, as she has barely touched me in that time. I fully realize my contribution to the demise of our relationship, but it's like she is so stuck on the past that she doesn't want to move forward.

If you are going to go by the MB plan, it's time to tell the other man's wife, and expose the affair. That is the quickest way to kill it.

And get busy showing her that you are making changes.

Sounds to me like the affair is ongoing. It is unusual for her not to be coming around a little after 2 months of NC.


If the affair is ongoing, then it is not withdrawal. Withdrawal can take longer than 2 months depending on the length and intensity of the affair. Have you read "Surviving an Affair"? Withdrawal will kick in as soon as no contact is established. The worst of withdrawal is typically over in 4 weeks.


Don't allow her to contact OM. Tell her it's a deal breaker.

What to do now.

You need to tell her that you want to work on the marriage and keep your family together. In short, you need to plan A (try to keep those angry ouburst in check).

It is an intregal part of plan a to EXPOSE the affair....to absolutely everyone you thin may add pressure to this illicit affair.

Does she work with OM??? If so expose at work.

Do her parents/siblings know???

You need to also expose this to her friends.

DO NOT,,,,,,I repeat DO NOT let her in on any of your plans.

You can do this, read up on plan A and read "Surviving an Affair" and "His need \s her needs"

Stick with the plan, and stick with us.....we'll help you through it.

God Bless,

-Caren

We have been in plan A for 2 months with NC being enforced.

Plan A is NOT a we thing..plan A is ALLLL about YOU..
Plan A is ALLLL about there being contact with the OP..
and plan A is ALLLL about you strongly speaking your pain about the contact..

It is NOT powerstruggling contact
It is NOT saying the same things over and over about working on a marriage...

it is ALL about instilling hope....
and changing your ACTIONS

Here's where I may go against the grain....
and I'm just begining to jell my thoughts on this so I may go the complete opposite direction..

Lets just hash this one around ...

IF it is truly your and your wifes social circle...it is my opinion that exposing in to that circle can cause great destruction to both your spouse and the friends...

causing some fracturing
and takes some serious serious consideration about exposing....

BUT...if you are saying that the OM is a social friend of yours...

How close is my question because I do believe YOU should have a chat with him...
AND
I believe without a doubt HE should be given the opportunity to tell his wife...
or you WILL

ALSO I would tell the OM that he needs to disappear from this social circle...being the MAN...

OK I am ready for the fall out.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
AND
My mind can be swayed...

but for now I suggest...
no exposure to circle of friends..
direct exposure between you and OM...
with clear boundaries
and telling him MUST tell his wife..
or you will

what do ya'll think..
ARK

big kahuna..

Don't allow her to contact OM. Tell her it's a deal breaker.

tell me what a deal breaker is exactly...and how it fits within plan A.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

ARK <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ark - My problem with warning the OM that is wife will be informed is that, instead of being honorable, and stopping the affair, the OM is likely to tell his wife that WDIDN is flipping out. OM will spin it that WDIDN is getting crazy, and is now even thinking there is an affair going on.

These WS's have no honor or respect. Rather than own up to their actions, they will accuse the betrayed one of being unreasonable and "crazy".

My WH even had my attorney convinced there was no affair, and it was all in my mind, and that was while he was LIVING with the OW.