my husband has treated me as though I have killed his mother since he has left. When he would pick up our daughter he would not say a word nor would he look at me. This treatment sends me into a 3 hour crying spell. I have never felt more hated. He picked up our daughter Fri eve and actually talked w/ me about piddly things & asked for coffee. None the less after he left w/ our daughter I still cryed for 3 hours. The next morning he was supposed to drop her off w/ me for basketball, then I would give her back in the afternoon for horses, then pick her up again for basketball. He sent me a text to see if I wanted to go to breakfast w/ him and our daughter. There wasn't time so we opted for coffee. The 3 of us talked like we used to. I almost forgot for a sec that he doesn't love me anymore. Later in the afternoon when I was dropping her off, he sent me a text asking if I would bring him a coffee. (something we always did when we were together) I did and sent my daughter in w/ the coffee for him. I did not want to go in as I am trying w/ every ounce of my being to not initiate anything. Not to mention I thought his EA aka as his best friend was there. I affectionly refer to her as The Crab Catchen hore, as this is not the first so called innappropriate friendship she has had w/ a married man that caused extreme damage to a marriage. As it turned out she was not there, she was apparantly sick... aaawwww. Could I be getting my hopes up for nothing? Could he be starting to miss me? Why would he want to see me w/ our daughter if he didn't? He has not contacted me since he said Thanks for the coffee, nor have I contacted him. It is so difficult not to reach out to him, when I do it sends him farther away. I understand Plan B is to extract yourself 100%. I have done that, and still am. After everytime I see him I can't stop crying, I love and miss him so much, I can't understand how he doesn't feel the same in someway. We have been married 13 years.
Please advise me as to what you think these small contacts on his part mean.

Thank you ever so much, this board has become my sanity.
Julie

Jpaine,

I have looked over your 3 posts... welcome to MB.

I fear that your WH's affair with this "best friend" has gone further than you dare to admit to yourself. Your H sounds like he is thick in the fog. While I appreciate the sentiment with which the letter to your H was written, please be forewarned that telling him you love him, how much the two of you share, what he means to you, etc will probably only be looked at with disdain from him at this point. The logic that you can "talk" him out of this irrational thinking with words and feelings is normal, but does not work.

ACTION is what is called for. Have you exposed? Plan A and Exposure go hand in hand. You are going to have to fight hard for your marriage. Most of us here feel this has been the battle of a lifetime. Dig in and prepare for the long haul. It can be done.

I'm posting some other references for you here to read. Have you read any books on the subject of affairs?

Are you in individual counseling or talking to a pastor or anyone?

MSA

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A from Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

When you first find out:

“Surviving An Affair” by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr. & Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers

“When the One You Love Wants to Leave” by Donald R. Harvey

“Love Must Be Tough” by Dr. James Dobson

“Hope for the Separated” by Gary Chapman



To understand the dynamics of the affair:

The above books and:

“His Needs Her Needs” and “LoveBusters” by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr.

“Not Just Friends” by Shirley P. Glass, PhD



In Recovery:

“Fall in Love, Stay in Love” by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr.

“After the Affair” by Janis Abrams Spring

“Torn Asunder” by Dave Carder

“The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

“The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian

Relationship books by Gary Chapman (Love Languages, etc)and Gary Smalley

They mean he's torn... between you and OW. I don't mean to sound discouraging, but don't let that fool you about the POWER of the affair and the chemical feelings he has for OW. Don't make too much of the small gestures... dig in for the long haul, expose the A to his family and friends and anyone who has the power to disapprove and won't condone it - affairs thrive and survive in secret - don't make that easy for him. Don't worry about making him upset or losing his love at this point by exposing - the affair needs to be broken up before you can rebuild your marriage.

MSA

Can I also add here that it's way, way too soon for you to consider plan B.


You need to expose his affair and show him you can be the spouse he wants you to be. Plan B is meant to preserve your love for him while you wait for the affair to die a natural death. You are no where near that point yet.

I have done the emotional needs questionaire, I have learned many things I would like to change to be a better wife. I have exposed as much as I can at this time. I have been doing that pretty constistantly for a long time. I am hoping we are somewhere in the middle of A and B. He texted me for about a half hour yesterday. I was excited. We only talked about piddly things, nothing about "us". I was hoping he would text me again, but he didn't. I will not initiate any form of contact. He must be the one to. He knows I love him more than one could possibly imagine, so it is up to him.

Julie

weird day - he text me a few times & I responded, he sat next to me at our daughters basketball game & we talked. He seemed very jeleous that a married man hit on me last wk!!! He actually told me it was very inappropriate of the married man to hit on me!!! Then our daughter hurt her wrist, better safe than sorry so I took he to minor care, since husband has the insurance he met us there. Her wrist thankfully was fine. After we went to dinner and I could have won an oscar. I did not let my pain or hurt show... just smiled and enjoyed my family. He even texted me w/ "night" for the first time since he left me. Am I reading too much into this???

Your thoughts are always appreciated...

P.S. He was not monoriting my computer.

Fondly,

Julie

Well, I agree with him on one point - it certainly is! If only he would follow his own advice!

How are things going jpaine?

MSA

It appears he only wants friendship from me. I told him I did not want to be his friend (felt like saying... you have one already, isin't she enough?) I want to be his wife. He asked me for money to buy another horse for him and also said he would like to put one of his horses w/ mine to save a couple hundred dollars a month. My thought was geeze, you forgot to punch my teeth out. I will not even attempt to argue w/ him, I am so kind and understanding to everything.

In all actuality, I don't understand one bit of this crap.

Last night, I tried to proposition him for sex, my thought to just get him home for a bit... He said he would like to , but with no expectations and that is impossible.

I am so lost I don't know what to do. I just feel so helpless.

Any ideas... should I push the sex? I suppose the worse he could do is just get up and leave. In reality could it hurt anyworse than it does now?

Julie

Julie,
What is happening now? It is 3 weeks since your last post?

I just read your posts and they are so similiar in many ways to what I have just been confronted with.

Without even realising there WAS a plan A I have been trying to use it. I know he was/is very shocked that Im not angry with him. (of course i am livid and the rest of teh day I sit here and brood and feel sick)

I too just want him back so much. I am trying to do things as a family together as much as possible. so that she isn't in the picture. But they DO work together - and that is the issue.

We are off to MC next Tuesday - next Tuesday seems so far off.

Last night I made him stay by saying I was leaving to go down to sleep at my parents. I said I would do the same tonight. I want to have him stay here, so he's here for the kids. It kills me walking out of that door to leave but I want him also not to think Im crowding him, cause it was teh crowding him the other night that I personally think made him get up and go to her place.

I too feel so sick all the time and am crying constantly. And it's not fair on my children, as well as on me.

Take Care, I hope you have more positive news.

Justine