My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years, together for 5 years. He is 30 and I am 26. We have an excellent marriage and we both love each other deeply. However, we have come to a crossroad this week that is going to make or break us. This past week he dropped a bombshell that he doesn't think he will ever want kids. I am devestated! This issue was discussed before we got married and he always said "I can maybe see myself with 1 child". Now he is saying that he can't ever see himself with any children. I really don't know what to do. He has agreed to go to counseling and then he immediately stated "It's not going to change the way that I feel". I've been trying to understand all of this. Why did he mislead me? Why has he changed his mind? Overall, why does he not want children? I have asked him that question several times this past week and he continually says that he doesn't know, and can't answer that question.

I just need some good advice from anyone!
JRJ

Then that is why he needs to go to counselling, so he can answer that question. Maybe it is based on something from his choldhood, maybe from a fear of the future, maybe on selfishness. If he doesn't know then it is not yet a vslid statement.

He and you will be better able to negotiate your way through this when he knows why he feels this way.

Linda

JRJ

I posted a similar story here in October: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#2847475

I didn't exactly like the answer someone gave... "Well maybe POJA won't work here." Gee, thanks!

My husband and I had also made similar statements when we got married four years ago - we agreed to have two kids "someday". For a while I enjoyed our childless life together, then all of a sudden for me it was not a someday, it was "now". I don't think it was deception on my husbands part to agree to two kids then change his mind. I think it is the difference between a hypothetical question and a real one. If you ask my husband, he would say that I agreed to be childless, because I mentioned that having children was an 'if' not 'when' thing with me. We each assumed what we wanted to hear.

This is a bit of the blind leading the blind, but I will tell you what my husband and I have done since my post in October. First, we have talked a lot about our feelings about kids, about how we were raised, about our own parents. Rather than trying to change one another's minds, we've just tried to understand one another's feelings. In many cases, we understood more about our own feelings in the process.

We made an initial decision in November to try to conceive for one year, then I would agree to accept a childless life. my husband would admit that he wasn't enthusiastic per say about trying, but he supported the compromise. What happened instead was an on-again off-again attitude towards sex and deciding to try - some nights he would, other nights he would reach for the condom.

Our attempted compromise was a complete failure - In my heart I want children, in his he wants to remain childfree. You can’t have half a kid, and it does truly take two to tango.

So, my husband and I have decided to meet with a couples counselor together. The “compromise” doesn’t do a darn thing about the core problems – my pain at my infertility, his fear of raising children. We haven't met with this counselor yet and to be honest we are both skeptically wondering if it will make a difference. We will see. But we do both want to make this work. I strongly believe you can't change unless you want it.

I hope someone has a better answer out there, but I wanted to share that you are not alone in this issue.

That's a dealbreaker, to be honest. At least for me.

My ex when we married, was willing to consider children "later".

After we were married, he not only didn't want children, he didn't want sex.

It all came down to control. He didn't want children, he knew I did, and the way he knew to make sure he got what he wanted, was to not have sex at all with me.

I waited a long time trying to change his mind. In the end, our marriage ended because we couldn't get past his need to control. I missed a lot of years when I could have been building the life I wanted. I'm somewhat sad I lost them, but I did what I thought I had to do--work on that marriage.

I'm grateful now to be married to a man who wants children with me, and who is loving and generous in spirit and in deeds.

Wow, idunno, you really have two essentials to marriage (probably more) figured out already. I don't see this as a dealbreaker at all. Whoa. How did you get to be so smart (and your H, too) so fast?

No sarcasm here...true respect and admiration. You learned first to understand, then be understood. You learned that most problems in marriage aren't conflicts...just a need to be understood.

Only thing I can add is the important part of "right now." You felt the need for a child "now." What is behind that? Your H believes differently right now. Growing and changing, with such a marvelously respectful base to your relationship, is a certainty.

Please open yourself to the right now and not the forever of these two very different beliefs which are being chosen, not feelings being felt.

I think you know people aren't replaceable and that lessons we have to learn come with specific people.

Silverpool answered jenn's question so well, I was struck by you and had to post. No threadjack intended.

LA

Hmm. My continued struggle with this issue led me here again today and I was surprised to read your reply.
I wish I felt we did have this all figured out. Although I appreciate the endorsement LovingAnyway, it is very hard at the moment to feel like understanding alone is all that’s needed.

My husband and I still feel completely different about having children and the issue is still a huge divide between us that is consuming a lot of marital energy.

Our quest for a marriage counselor has not been successful. We tried a counselor recommended through a referral network and both of us walked away from our "interview" of her with a changed opinion of that course of action. I'm not sure why we reacted so badly - the person we spoke with was nice and all, and she was even relatively easy to talk to. Neither of us felt like she was a really bad counselor - rather we just realized we are really lousy counseling 'subjects'.

The sticking point on the counselor front is that neither of us really open ourselves up to strangers - no matter HOW nice and easy to talk to they are. Honestly, I can't see either of us telling a counselor the kinds of things that have come up in our discussions about our deep seated feelings about children, parenthood, society, families, etc.
I'm not sure I could share those things with anyone else but my husband, and he is usually more close-lipped than even me! I am blessed that in our marriage we are so open with one another, but I don't know the magic that made that openness so possible. Unfortunately, we are both cursed in our inability to speak to outsiders. Maybe we should have given the counselor a chance, but we felt like that was a pretty expensive experiment to undertake.

We still talk about this issue weekly, sometimes more. I know I think about it all the time, I suspect my husband does too. It is certainly not just me who brings the topic up.

By talking we have explored some deep issues that contribute to how we feel, which has been a blessing in itself. I think we've learned about ourselves as much as one another. Still though, understanding is not agreement.

We each have our reasons, logical and emotional, for how we feel. I would say in a nutshell, mine is a combination of a longing to have a 'family' and to have the experiences (good and bad) of motherhood combined with probably a little co-dependency psychosis. My father was an off-and-on alcoholic, so despite my self-awareness on that matter I know I still harbor the tendencies that come with that (Adult Children of Alcoholics was my savior - truly). And, at 29 and with a serious fertility issue to have to hurdle first, my biological clock is ticking super-loud at the moment. (there is some irony that in spite of all this - I may never be able to have children, but to me it is imperative that we sincerely try until we have exhausted that possibility) My husband's reasons for not wanting children is part fear of the responsibilities of parenthood, part fear of the science experiment of fertility treatments (we agree that we will only look to drugs, if that doesn't work we are not making test tube babies), part a desire to have a carefree life, and part feeling inadequate compared to his own father (He comes from a military family - with some similar tendencies to work-aholism, as well as a family history of depression..). We've muddled through this with more understanding, but less clarity on what to do next.

Counseling still seems like the best path, but I don't know how either of us goes from being so closed with other people to being good counseling patients. Between the fertility issue and the alcoholism/workaholism past, I'm sure we have enough material to keep a councelor busy though..

what next? wish I knew. wish I had a better answer too.

Ok, so now I feel like I'm thread-hijacking too, but since you started it...

What a hard situation. Is it a deal-breaker for you? When you're 60, which would you regret more - not having had children, or having left this man and lived your life without him? Would this be grounds for annulment, if that matters?

Post deleted by notsohappyhubby

Hmm. is it a deal-breaker? No - I would not end my marriage for not having children, or at least I feel that way now. But I imagine I will feel a great deal of grief about the loss of the biological children that never were. I know this sounds stupid, but I feel like I've lived the last 29 years of my life working towards being able to raise a family, and if thats not what we're doing I sure as %#*@ don't want to be part of this rat race anymore. I mean - why bother? a nice car? a nice house? money in the bank? I don't need that for just us. I love my career, but it will NEVER be the thing that fulfills me in life, and if a family with my husband is not in the works, I see it as time for us to take a 180 and vigorously pursue something else to replace that. My husband thinks I'm off my rocker when I say things like that, but I sincerly feel that way.

And yes, thats part of the "biological clock" ticking - if my life doesn't hold children in the future I don't want to waste another minute not working on a new life.

And...thanks to fertility issue there will never be an "accidental" pregnancy. (not that I think thats wise anyway) Getting pregnant involves - unfortuantely - a battery of tests, drugs, and who knows what else, or else a whole lot of patience to "wait it out" the natural way.

It's especially frustrating because it feels like everyone else who has a fertility issue is just two gung-ho people trying to have a kid no matter what, it feels like we are the only people out there struggling with this.
For the next 5 years of so, at least the drug-only options are available to me with some probability of sucess. After age 35ish I will most certainly have to resort to IUI, IVF or something, and we are both morally opposed to that. I want (and DH, when he's being kid-favorable) two children, so I have to allow time to go through treatments twice. It is frustrating to feel that your faulty body has a shorter time limit than everyone elses - I don't have the option to wait my husband out 5 years.

-idunno

I can tell you my story - when my ex-husband and I were dating, we got to the stage where the conversation of children came up. He said he wanted "no part of parenthood" - and I answered that we could never marry for that reason, as eventually I wanted children. Several months went by - and he pulled the "well I guess I could have one child" - and I took the bait. We married. Everything went downhill from there. My ex is an addict, and all ****** broke loose - our relationship soured after one stinking year. Our sex life was non-existent, and totally unsatisfying. He couldn't make a baby even if he wanted to, due to the years of marijuana use (makes your fertility take a nosedive). Anyway, we divorced 12 years later, and never did have any children. Which, in retrospect I guess, is a good thing - as I cannot imagine trying to raise a child in the marriage environment I was in. Regrets? Plenty. Not regretting my divorce, but regretting that I didn't set my boundaries a lot sooner, and regretting that I "settled" for the awful relationship I found myself in. I came to terms with my childless life long ago, but coming to terms with it doesn't make it any easier. I still have my "pity parties" over being alone - and Mother's Day (this weekend) is especially tough for me. In the end, I am applying for an annulment of my marriage for the grounds of him misleading me on the children issue, sexual issues, etc.. I really am trying to erase my marriage from my memory - and even though I know that is not possible - it makes me feel better. I am a religious person, and I feel that I had a "sham" marriage from Day 1. I don't know if my story helps you in your situation at all, I just thought that you might want to know that you are not alone - and in my case, the story did NOT have a happy ending. Take Care.