SITREP: Married 13 years, 4 Kids. Wife had A and became pregnant. Told me, I forgave and we are working it out. No contact was a phone call, and he has called 2x since. Issue: Paternity rights. Does he have rights if the child is born IN WEDLOCK? Can he force DNA and if so, what does he gain? If He voluntarily pays CS, does he gain rights? He has done enough damage to my family, I want to stop him from doing more. If I am raising the baby & he contacts, now or down the road..wow...:-< explain to sisters etc, new ripples through family unit destabilize the kids (or young adult's) world..etc. Not sure how to handle. Wife doesn't want this "thown up in her face" for ever, so how can I both take responsibility for his child, and not have it resurface? What do the State's say? NY, WA? What do you all say? Should he pay CS, and we just bring it out in the open? What a mess. Guys and Gals, if you are thinking of having an affair, or getting a Divorce, or abortion, DON'T IT ONLY MAKES A MESS OF YOUR LIVES!!!

Has the baby been born? Is there a chance the baby is yours? No he cannot force a dna test (at least I think that stands in all states) if there is a marriage, the only one can is the wife or the husband. So at least until you or your wife ask for the test the child is considered yours.

What does your wife want? Does she want to know who is the true fathers? If not and just want to let you raise the child then have her send him a letter stating no contact. If she is still pregnant she really needs to do that even if she wants to know until the baby is born and you find out who is the true father. It will give you guys time to work on your marriage as long as that is what you both really want to work on.

If he pays on his own for CS it does not give him rights, even if the courts make him pay he has no rights until he goes in for a vistation hearing, if they dont do it all at once. But until the courts give him rights he has known.

Sorry you have to go thru all this :-( but to me it sounds like she should consider herself lucky for guying willing to step up and raise that child as his knowing that it might not be.

I think you guys should just be honest with the children and let the truth out. It all comes out in the wash. As a BW who had the truth withheld for a while it hurt even more. I'm sure hiding something from the children like this could hurt them too. It's sad that there is the possibil.ity of furtherdysfunction but that's an aspect of this situation we all have to come to terms with. If OM wants to be a father to this child if it is his he has that right as does the child to have and establish a relationship with him. The child is also entitled to cs that's not your, your wifes or his place to depreive, negate or take away from the child. I think you should consult an attorney and find out exactly what he can do and go from there.

Calismile..

With all due respect.. OM should logically be entitled to what you say..but at the risk of further damage to a mending family with a father figure intact, I would think twice.

Sometimes when we continually scream what is best for the "child", we lose what is best for the children already here.. and in that, they will watch their sibling raised in a different type of family unit, and constantly be reminded of the past.

I am not pro-NC, nor pro-C... but when a willing father figure is intact, it seems a shame to invite the confusion to continue.

Yes, we can argue OM's rights. He does have them legally.. but morally (after the fact for sure) he'd be a better man to step aside and do what is right for this child AND the existing COM.

My H has an OC. We are NC. There are times when I agonize over this, but in reality, my H doesn't deserve any rights here in my opinion. What he did was wrong, as well as the OW involved. To continue to pain the OWH with rememberence is even more reprehensible. I think to argue differently, is an "adult's" argument and not one in the best interest of the OC.

Bless you, Bluejayed. I hope we can all offer support here.

Eibrab

Bluejayed, you should consult an experience attorney in your state if you are concerned for 100% accurate advice. That being said, from what I have read, either the OM has no right to request DNA or if he does in your state (a remote possibility some have stated to me?) there is certainly a limited time he can do so (2 years?)

I do not believe OM has the right or the incentive to interlope any more into your marriage. If you are the father, in the household, and the child comes to know you as his/her father, you will be considered the "putative father" making you legally responsible for the child regardless of DNA. This sounds like what you want. You can look up more online, search "putative father" and see what comes up for your state.

I think the NC letter from your W to him is a good idea.

Bluejayed~

Do as MrsStow advises, and see a good attorney as to the laws of your state so you know precisely where you stand. Some states are a little more "pro" om, but most are not.

In most states, you have ALL the rights as the child's father because you were M to the mother at conception and the om has ZERO rights. He can *TRY* to get a DNA test, but it will be an uphill battle for him, UNLESS you make it easy for him and request a DNA test yourself. You do not even have to adopt the baby, as you are already the recognized legal father, regardless of DNA-- and nobody can force you to have a DNA test, (in most states-- thus talk to an attorney).

It is pretty much up to you and your W as to which path you'd like to take. If you decide you both want to raise the child as your own, that is your perogative according to the law. OM may try to exert some rights, but again...he will have to fight for rights, ie go to court.

If you don't want to be recognized as the legal father, and would like the om to be responsible-- which could include CS and partial custody, then you need to dispute paternity, and the sooner the better.

In my opinion, if you love your W, and you see that your M has a fighting chance, and also you feel you can love this baby as your own, and do indeed want to raise him/her in PEACE, and in an intact family... I strongly advise against disputing paternity, and just go about your life, working on your M, loving your family, and this new little baby. That doesn't automatically mean the om won't or can't try to exert some rights, but I wouldn't go about making it easy for him. If he really wants to be a father to the child, then he can go for it himself, of his own accord-- do not hand him anything. Also, in my opinion-- MONEY isn't everything and no amount of money is worth trading in the chance for a peaceful life for your family. Think very carefully before you "invite" om into your life, and the life of this child and ultimately your entire family. This my own personal opinion, and not always very popular.

Just be aware though, that say a few years from now if you and your wife divorce, you could be held responsible for supporting the oc as well as your com. After about 2 yrs in most states, if you didn't dispute paternity earlier, you are sol and will be held responsible for the child no matter what DNA says.

Has your wife said what she'd like? Does she want you to raise baby as your own, with NC from om?

Are you all going to marriage counseling?

I wish you well in this.

GET A LAYWER PERIOD. No side deals, nothing without it done legally and above board at all times. Lies got you here. The truth gets you out.

I'm going to the JAG office tomorrow. Thanks

Also, it would seem that a NC letter would provide sufficent evidence to the OM to present to a judge, probable cause to order a paternity test. If Wife is pregnant, consider the possibility of the OM sticking his nose (and other anatomical parts) into your life for the next 21 years minimum.

Let us know what the JAG office says. Hopefully you'll get some great news. I understand that you all wants what's best but look at the big picture and try and see if making xom out of the picture is really best for your child. I know it's not easy. I haven't experienced or read anything in any of these situations that is. However it is totally possible to work through. Also I know your wishes are to just raise the baby. Have you guys considered that Om might not even want to be a part of the babies life? Just some thoughts.

What a silly question! If you were a child born into a home of a mommy and a daddy that love you and each other, why would you want another "daddy"???

OM wanted to take my whole family... All of the kids. His family was taken from him, and he wants one. He tried to marry wife when she revealed pregnancy.

bluejay,

i am late chiming in on this one. sorry that you had to find us, but welcome anyway.

looks like you got some great advice here. good luck with it all. it takes a big heart to do what you are doing. i wish you the absolute best with it.

carolyn

You would want another dady because he was the one God allowed to help bring you into life. Dont think that just because you're stepping up to take on the father role that you'll be a better father than he. It's not about that. It's about the childs right to have her parents, both of them, involved in their life. I really don't think it's anyone's place to deny a child their parent. I understand that he wanted to marry your wife and that was wrong but whats done is done and he is the childs father no? That being the case it's almost as if you'd be willing to steal or keep the child from him not neccessarily so it will be better for the child but so it may be easier on you and possibly wife. It's sucks you're wife screwed around and got pregnant by someoneelse but you all have to come to terms with that especially since the decision was made to keep the child. It's hard on all sides of the fence not just yours and I hope you can see that. I'm sure for whatever reason if the situaion was reversed you wouldn't want someone trying to keep you form your child. SO why do it to someone else?

cali!! He is not stealing ANY child from ANYBODY! If this om wants to try to exert whatever rights he feels he should have as this child's bio-parent, he is free to do so, and nobody can stop him from trying. Blue is not stopping him, he's merely not handing the child over, and he is within HIS rights in doing so.

By law, this child is Blue's, unless or until HE chooses to prove otherwise. Like it or not, that's the way it is.

Yes, Blue's reasoning for trying to keep the child in ONLY his, intact family w/ no C from om, may be IN PART to protect his W, but I bet from what Blue's said here and on other threads, that is only a very small part. He's got com to consider here too. He's got his M to consider here. And yes, he has oc to consider here too, and personally I believe if he feels he loves this OC as his own, he IS doing right by the oc to keep him/her in an intact 2 parent home.

And one other thing, and I've said this so many times...What is best for the M and best for the family, and yes even best at protecting the ws, bs and com from the ugliness of the A, DOES sometimes happen to be what's best for the OC too. In my estimation, this is one of those times.

Ad how could that possibly be best for oc to exclude om, her father from the picture. I get that they aren't doing anything illegal. But is that how that child will see it when the truth comes out? I'm not saying the whole process isn't hard on the M or COM but is preventing or trying to block C within all a persons legal means a good thing for a child. I guess I could see better if this person was or did something to hurt oc but thats not what I'm getting so I don't get it. Ad you know I'm a BS just like he is so it's not like I don't understnad the pain involved here. But I guess my bottom line thought is how can anyone say depriving or trying to aid in depriving a child from their bio parents wether we personally like them or not a good thing?

I know it has been said before.....but it is interesting that if the OC is born to a married OW with a H who is willing to raise the child, it is thought best for the OM to have NC.....best for OC and COM.

But if the OW is not married, then OM/MM is thought a dirtbag and worse for wanting NC........not best for OC, best for COM.

This scenario plays out over and over the time on this board and others. Double standard.

Interesting.

I was wondering about the same thing Lbelle. I don't get it. I guess I'm not exactly seing how it's best unless he has hardmed the oc in some way.

I find it interesting that you say the OC is entitled to "both" of it's parents. "Both" would be the family it is born into. If you would include OM, then you are EXCLUDING the BS. You didn't say both fathers.

quote from another thread "Boy oh boy, I will have to disagree on this one. If a serial killer were to write a book about his experiences, and sell millions, would he be entitled to the profits? Our court system in a rare decision on the right side of right and wrong, said that the criminal has no right to profit from his crime. Likewise should an interloper interfering with the contract of marrige, violating a legal and sanctified union be afforded rights arrising from his misdeads? I hold that he SHOULD NOT!!! Even though a WS was a willing participant, the BS was not. Also, the children of the marrige have a RIGHT to a 2 parent, married household if in fact that was the state in which they entered this world. The COM, could in fact have an actionable cause (Lawsuit) against both the WS and the interloper, should the interloper decide continue to stick his nose (or other metaphorical anatomy)where it not welcome. His so-called "right" could only have come from a "wrong", a "trespass", a tort, a failure to meet his responsibility (To not interfere in a marrige and not commit adultery) (as well as to control his tadpole deposits in places that arn't his to do so). No he gains no "rights" only responsibilities for his actions. (In my opinion) "