I'm back, was hoping I wouldn't have to be but I need advice.

The story so far: I have been going out with a guy for about two years, he is 25 I am 33. We get on very well and love each other, but he is overseas for 6 months travelling and I am here in the same old same old. He said this
was something he needed to do now before he settles into a new career, etc.We decided to 'stay together' while he is away, which is not easy. I am only just getting used to it after 6 weeks of him gone. We keep in contact by email and phone. He is very much a guy who gets on better with women than men and that is ok with me most of the time.

I have found out, via snooping that he met a girl on tour and eventually he told me about her. She sounds great and I cannot help feeling threatened by her - I've been cheated on before so this kind of thing is really tough on me. He knows my history. From what I can tell they are friends, but she seems keen (she is also emailing him). He told me that she knows he has a girlfriend. As I said, I snooped and found an email to his brother in which he basically said he would like to have sex with this girl so here is my
dilemma.

1. I am snooping which is wrong in the first place
2. I have found out information from snooping but can only take things at face value, that is, is he just showing off to his brother/mates - he does do that sometimes.
3. The information upsets me and I cannot eat or sleep and I
sometimes end up asking him details about has he seen her, etc, etc which is starting to annoy him (understandably)
4. If I find out that he does cheat on me by snooping, do I act on it and break up with him, when I am being as dishonest as he is? The only reliable way I can know for sure he has done something is if she emails him with something to that effect.
5. Is 'intent to cheat' a break-up-able offence?
6. Do I stop snooping and just let what happens happen? I will never really know then if he cheated but that he has come back to me (if it happens that way).
7. I have a really big trust issue here or do I use the excuse that its my gut instinct and therefore its right? I am finding it very difficult to not do it.

I am not proud of this, because I know its invading his privacy, but what is done is done and I've found out some pretty hard facts about the situation that in the end is hurting me more than anyone.

I am planning to meet up with him in May and I find that I ask myself why he wants me there. Is it convenient, cheap, sex? He professes his love to me all the time in emails and on the phone. What do I do? I don't really want to go through all this again, but here I am. I love this guy, of course and this situation has been hard enough without this added pressure.

Any advice or criticism would be appreciated.

i, too, found out about dh from snooping, checking emails, internet forums - then i became obssessed from all the hurt.

my relatives told me to leave it be, saying that dh will continue his ways.........

from a compulsive snooper to another, there must be a better way of dealing with this!

talk it out, in fact i'm going to call one of my friends today. her dh cheated on her too

snooping doesn't help in the healing process - it just reinforces what we already know

Can I get a Amen! from my experiance nothing good comes from snooping and once you start down that road it gets so addicting, I can't tell you the hours I spent snooping and plotting and in the end it just isn't worth it.

I know that snooping doesn't help anything, but when you don't have any trust, it seems like the last effort on your part. When you have been lied to and so betrayed, it seems normal at the time. I made up a fake email name, just to see if my H is being true to his word, so far, he has. That part did help me some. All he responded back to the email was that the lady had him mixed up with someone else and that he was happily married with 2 children, that part really made me back off the snooping. Things in my case have been going good so far with the talking things out and what we want out of life. I gave him the option to leave and we get a divorce because I would not tolerate the cheating and lieing any more. I think those words there made him think about what he really had and the grass wasn't greener on the other side, so to say.

What will be gained from pretending to ignore what you know? I think you should be honest with your partner.
You obviously have trust issues to begin with, else, you wouldn't have snooped in the first place. He should be aware if this, just as you should be aware that he isn't trustworthy.
Communicate with him.

Nothing good comes from snooping? In most cases this would be a true statement, but certianly not all.

Typically snooping is a tool to confirm something you already suspect.

People would like to believe the person they love is being honest with them. Well it's a proven fact that MOST WS tend to lie.

You can go thru life wanting to believe them, or get proof, and let your mind rest.

How snooping helped me?

After D-day I bugged the house phone (insurance the A was over). Overheard a 45 min coversation the FWW had with a female friend confirming everything she told me about it being over was true. It was even nice to hear her tell her friend how good things were at home (something she had not told me).

Sure I have trust issues, because he cheated and it went on for 9 months. He lied and said it only happened once, but the OW sent me the emails and he had to tell some of the truth, but I know he hasn't told me everything. Snooping is not the answer, but it's like when you start to try and believe in the one you love, and you know the signs now, you just can't ask because he is going to lie. He did respond again to the fake email and said he couldn't remember what I looked like. so I responded really good just to see if he takes the bait. If he does, then I know it's truly over. I'm a strong person with everything that I have endured in my life. My 2 children are my life and I'm not going to let them get hurt. They have had enough of hurt when their real dad passed away. I've learned when you get knocked down, get back up and start over.

Hi Seahorse,

Some food for thought, if you're so inclined...


Or is he a player, not ready to settle down?


Is it? Not when it concerns your own life. Does your partner feel he has a right to a HIDDEN, SECRET life? Won't his potential plans to bed another and betray you have big ramifications for you??? Aren't you entitled to that information so that you can make wise choices about the relationship and whether to share your body and yourself with this man? Do you really want to be ignorant of who he sleeps with (and who she slept with, and so on and so on... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />



Isn't this just wishful thinking on your part? And do you really want to be treated this way? Your partner "shows off" to his friends about possible infidelities? Forgive me but I find it demeaning, immature, and disrespectful. Is this how he demonstrates his love for you?

At this juncture, Seahorse, I would give serious consideration what this man is looking for...do all signs point to a true commitment? Or is he just out for a whole lot of self-gratification?

Take care,
Natalie

How are things, Seahorse, honey? I've been thinking of you...

i had to snoop as well but only becuse i knew there was something a mist now a month later we have seperated, and it hurts to know the person you trusted w/ everything hurt you in the worst possiable way, so if didnt snoop i wouldn't
of found out we would of bought a house together which maybe in turn she and the OM would be enjoying right now.

so things happen for a reason be glad you dont have kids together like i do. makes it that much harder.

just remember to prepare yourself what else you find out.

if they only know how to be honest w/ us we wouldn't have to snoop.

Snooping may bring you to a truth that you will get through no other means. Cheaters are in and of themselves liars. I lived in ignorance for 8 months while my husband started a new relationship that didn't include me. It he had the decency to be honest with me, I would have told him to go ahead and would have ended our marriage right then and there.

Ignorance is not bliss and knowledge is power. I know that my H is not half the man I gave him credit for being. Seeing him as he really is drained my love bank and ultimately made me stronger.

Who

Seahorse..... r u the same one who used to post over in GQII?

Listen, don't fret about the snooping. After all a criminal doesn't usually walk up and confess with all his evidence laid out does he?

Do you know how to reverse babble? Send some e-mails to this 'jerk' that hint u r wondering if he is fooling around. Watch his reaction. Angry denial is a sign to RUN! If he asks why u r questioning his loyalty, let him know he is in a very vulnerable sitch and figure the opportunity is around. Let him figure out how to convince you he isn't.

Don't go into denial.

L.