How is everyone? How were your weekends?

I'm not doing so well. My state of mind is just awful. I don't think I can take my H's indecisiveness anymore. It is too painful what he has done and keeps doing. Barely spoke with him while he was on that trip and he called last night after he got in from the trip - he just doesn't give two craps about me and I cannot live like this. I told him last night to make up his mind, do you want your family back or not? And he said it's not that simple. I said yes it is. What do you want? And he said "I want my KIDS back!" In other words, he doesn't want ME back. I told him I can't live like this, knowing what he is doing. He said he cannot give any commitments. So I said fine then, set up the appt for mediation. He said okay and said we'll talk today about what we agree as far as settlement goes, when he comes over this afternoon.

I can't take this mental state that I am in anymore. I am getting worse instead of better. I am so down, crying, begging God to help me.

I don't know what else to do. I wish my H felt that he was losing something special, but I guess he just doesn't. He obviously doesn't care if he loses me. He just cares about the kids. I wish I could stop crying.

I am so sorry Thankful. I don't know what to say. I honestly thought that you guys were on the right track to recovery. It looks like the alien came back during that trip. I don't know what to tell you. Other than you deserve better. I know you don't want to hear that, I know you don't want better...you just want your husband.

You can't live your life sitting around waiting on him. You have to heal yourself and move on. He is taking advantage of you and your feelings and it's just not fair. Your right, he acts as if he doesn't care about losing you. Just like my H. But someday he will realize that he lost something good. You are better than this. And you can do this. You have to. If he cannot commit to you then you did the right thing by telling him to go ahead and schedule the mediation.

Did Tired send you the article on mid life crisis? If not, get him...or I will to send this to you and read it. I swear your H and mine are using the stupid thing as a bible. And it disgusts me that I would even let him do that to me, that I just sit by letting him lie and cheat and go on. I guess I thought that if I didn't open my mouth that eventually he'd come back. But all I was really doing was giving him permission to do it. It made me feel like shi*.

I'll be here all day for you if you need to talk. I'm so sorry. Really I am.

My weeekend was very uneventful. Friday was my 5th wedding anniversary. Yippee. We went out to eat and it wasn't really a good night at all. I was very quiet and withdrawn. We were supposed to get up on Sat and go away for the night. We didn't. Instead got into a long discussion. Ofcourse the conversation turned into what it always does, how I'm a bad person and did everything wrong. All the things that I did wrong. Ofcourse when I reminded him of all the things he did wrong he had nothing to say. Everything I have ever done to him, he did to me. But he doesn't want to talk about that. He kept telling me that he loved me and I told him it really didn't count to me if he didn't love me enough to be my husband. He told me he did want to be my husband. I told him that we obviously weren't meant to be together and that we were both going our seperate ways and there was nothing that I could do about it but accept it and move on.

I asked him later if he was going to keep the house. He at first said he never really thought about it. then he said it wasn't up to him, that after everything is said and done that he wouldn't be able to afford much of anything so he was sure the house would be up for sale soon.

After all this, he then asks if I want to go out of town. I just said no I didn't, I just wanted to go get the kids and come home. So I did. Nothing else was said. We had a good evening and a good Sunday. Had SF, had a good time other than our conversation.

I just don't get it. I'm just going to have to let him go. Let him heal himself and hopefully he'll find peace somehwere. I still hope and pray that he'll miss me and that God will cring him back into my life someday. I am not interested in being his friend. Not now anyway. I know I will have to maintain a relationship with him for the boys, but that's all im interested in.

Any thoughts?

Thanks Soon. I needed that. I still sit here and wonder if I did the right thing by basically forcing this to come to a head. I just would feel like such a dumb-a$$ if he comes here today and I say, "well, maybe you still need some time to clear your head before making this decision" - I mean seriously, how many times can I go back and forth like that? Without looking like a complete doormat?

The way I am trying to look at it is, this will make it or break it. If he truly wanted to work things out and come back, he would. I mean, he does what he wants regardless, so what is to stop him if he truly wants to try? Right? And I wholeheartedly agree that the alien returned during this trip. I had a feeling it would end up pushing them closer together. Its so disgusting. She is SO everything I am not. She is the complete opposite in all ways. He is in for such a huge mistake and I hate that! He doesn't realize what he is doing and it's so hard to accept. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Good morning. I've caught up on your posts this morning and am sorry that the weekend wasn't great for either of you.

Thankful, I believe that you did the right thing. Just like my STBX, your H just keeps needing time to "decide what he wants" and that can go on forever. I got to the point, like you, where we were going to get better or go our separate ways. What you are living in now is emotional torture and you have to take this step. I will caution you to be ready to go all the way if it doesn't work. Don't threaten or bluff, just know what has to be done, and do it. I love and miss my W so much, but I do not regret my decision to force this to a head. Like you, I also see the stupidity of her actions and know that what she is doing will never make her happy, but we can't change that or make them see. Stay strong and lean on us all you need. I will send you the "Mid-Life" article.

Soon, I'm sorry that your anniversary didn't turn out great. I don't understand either. There has to be a point where he is willing to wipe the slate clean and rebuild your marriage or let it go. I would get so tired of carrying the anger and bitterness around all the time.

My weekend was uneventful. I didn't really feel bad or good all weekend, just numb I guess. I keep praying that God will work a miracle and bring her home to me, but it's just not happening. Maybe it's selfish to ask for such a thing, I don't know. I think the thing that scares me most is that I may never find anyone who I can love as much as I did my W. She was my lover, partner, angel, and best friend before the alien came.

Thankful, I think you did the right thing. In fact, if he doesn't move forward (with mediation)and all you two do is end up "talking" about and talking about it. then if I were you I'd be like Tired and take control of the situation yourself. We can cry and go on and love them as much as we want too but it's just not gonna help. All the love in the world from us is not going to bring them back to us. They have to want us back. And maybe someday he will come back. Hopefully, you'll still be around. And you never know...you may change your mind and not want him back.

Tired" I'm sorry you had a numb weekend. I feel numb myself this morning. I have that "everything is a dream" problem again. I'm not upset, angry, sad or anything. It's like I don't have any emotions. It's very weird. but all it will take is a certain thought or song on the radio and the tears will start to well up again. I just wish I could quit thinking so much. My head hurts from thinking all the time. I'm so exhausted and worn out. And it's just the beginning. I cannot imagine it getting any worse, but I know it will, I guess I'm just going to have to braace myself and hold on for the ride.

Soon, don't be sorry about the numbness. That is nice sometimes. It could be that the AD's are taking full effect now, I don't know. I know that everything is a dream feeling quite well, and maybe I'm starting to get out of that a little bit. I haven't cried for several days now.

Thankful, Soon is right. All the crying, pleading, hoping and praying is not going to bring them back. They have to want to come back. If everything holds to form as described on the GQII board, they probably will want to come back some day. BUT, CAN WE AFFORD TO GAMBLE OUR LIVES ON THAT HOPE? How much of our lives can we give up to wait and suffer for them? I say "no more". If my STBXW wants to come home someday, then I will entertain that idea then, but not until. I think the worst outcome would be growing old waiting for someone who's never coming home, being in love with a ghost. It will be very hard, for all of us, but we will make it and WE WILL BE HAPPY!

Soon,
As for your situation, I think you know what you need to do, but it's just getting yourself to that point where you are ready. Where you have had enough, can't take anymore, feel emotionally broke down. That is where I am at and I cannot be like this with a 4 year old and a 9 month old who totally depend on me. I can't be crying all the time and just breaking down in front of them. Something has to happen. I cannot live in limbo anymore. I need direction and I have none. I need to let go if that's my only choice. You said it perfectly - he has to WANT me back. If he wants me back, nothing will stop him from trying. I need to remember that and keep reminding myself that. It is so hard to accept it, but it's the truth. I will not waiver today. I can't. I am sick of the blame for all of this. Sick of him telling me I DROVE him to this affair. Sick of hearing him rewrite our marital history and tell me if I had been a better wife, none of this would have happened. I said if things were so bad, why didn't you leave a long time ago? And he says because of all the good we had, because of all the good things about me. WTF is that?? Sick of hearing he gave me everything and got nothing in return. This is how he lives his life, it's NEVER his fault, it's always everyone elses. Everytime something bad happens or goes wrong he says "Well, that's just the story of my life!" "I'm just an [censored]!" I am so sick of it all!!!! Sick of the pity parties he throws himself. Sick of the stuff he says that makes absolutely no sense at all. I hate that I have to sit back and watch him tear our family apart because he thinks he has found happiness somewhere else - and he's not even happy! He's still depressed!!! So what does that tell you???? He needs serious help and doesn't think so - he calls himself a failure in all aspects of his life but he doesn't think he needs help. He is not a failure but it's what he chooses to believe. Last night I said how it kills me that our kids will be brought up in a broken home. He says "I was brought up in a broken home and I am okay!" He is SO BLIND!!!!!! He is okay???? He committed adultery, broke his marriage vows, but he is okay?????

I'm sorry to rant on like this. Thanks for listening.

Tired, I'm sorry you had a numb sorta wknd. Our spouses are so lost and I guess we can just feel bad for them b/c they don't see it.

Thankful, dont apologize for ranting. GET MAD...GET ANGRY...(don't do it in front of this kids ofcourse). LET IT OUT> YOU DON"T DESERVE THIS DAMNIT!

We are both at the same point. Tired, broken and exhausted of trying to make something work that is obviously not working. We have to let them go. We have to. And it will be hard, but we will do it. If they come back, then they come back. If it's not in Gods will then it just wasn't meant to be.

I do know what I need to do. Am I ready? No. I don't think one can ever be ready to do what we are doing. But I have to be. I have to get myself together. It's over between us. There's nothing more. I look at my H and I don't know who I see. I see a man who says he loves me, and I hear him when he says it...but it's like his mouth is moving and nothing is coming out. He don't care a bit to jump in bed with me but he won't commit to me and our family. I feel like I'm back in high school again, that young girl whose BF tells her he loves her just to get laid. I don't know what he's doing, and I can't do anything about it. If he wants to go on and live life without me then he's free to do so. I can't take it anymore. I'm broken, just broken.

Seems like we all had the same type of a weekend. More misery than two days should be allowed.

I met with an attorney on Friday, to discuss what my rights and best options would be and then I guess I made the mistake of getting my hopes up. I thought at the very least I would be able to sit down with my STBXH and discuss our future. I worked on being rational and not emotional but was prepared to go the distance to get what I need to survive. Was prepared to use whatever tough love I possess to make him see that he at least owes me enought to deal with this mess. I called and left him a message on Friday asking him to please call me to discuss some issues and plans. I sent him a note on Saturday as well and then sat back and waited. and waited. and waited. I know he was home from Friday-Sunday but I never heard a word. I finally called again Sunday afternoon and he point blank told me he would not come down to talk to me, that day or any other. Whatever we had to discuss could be done by phone. I tried to explain that I was not comfortable having any discussion with him on the phone after the last time, I wanted to know that what we said was just between us. He flatly said he did not want to see me. He will be selling the house and will split the proceeds with me, which is good for me, but I am still stunned at has absolute coldness and total lack of feelings. I can not fathom what is going on in his mind at all. Everyone I have talked to believes that he is just to ashamed to face me, but I don't know and am not sure that is the reason. I can not imagine how anyone can just flip a switch and turn off 16 years of memories. We discussed the house and only the house, less than 3 minutes on the phone and it was over.

I do not believe that I will ever see my H again. The alien won.

I think both of you are correct and both know what you have to do. Doing it is the hard part. It is important to know that you have done your best so that there is no regrets when it is over. I hate that my M is over, I still love her, but I had to file for D, because I couldn't take it anymore. I could still endure the pain in me, but I couldn't endure seeing the pain in her. That's the way you feel when you really love somebody. I don't have regrets because I gave us every opportunity to recover, even after the betrayal, but she didn't want that.

I know it seems that the world is crashing around you, and you will never feel good again, but you will. It's not an easy road, but you must walk it.

I am very pissed this morning. I'm just mad at the world. I hate myself today. I am just not a happy person today. I don't want to be here. I don't want to talk to anyone. It's ugly outside. I want to scream. I want to pray, but I can't. I have lost faith. Faith in everything.

There must be something in the air Soon. I cannot believe how bad I feel today. I just keep crying and crying and can't stop. I am so unmotivated to do anything. I feel mentally/emotionally crippled today. I hope I am not a complete sap when he comes over this afternoon. I just cannot believe he is doing this. I cannot believe my H doesn't want me back. I can't believe this is all happening to me, to my kids, to my family. I am not a bad person. I don't deserve this. It is so unfair. So unfair. Why can't I stop crying?

You can't stop crying because you love your H. Becuase you know that there's no one that can love him like you do but he can't see that and acts like he doesn't give a rats [censored]. You love him becuase he was the one you said "I do" to. You can't stop crying becuase you have done everything you know to do and it still aint working.

Don't you dare be a sap when he comes over. In fact, I don't even know if I'd even talk to him about that crap. Let the dad gummed lawyers handle it.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm in a very bad mood and it probably istn' even a good idea that I post on here today cause all I have to say right now is negative thoughts.

I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't be that way.

Remember when I said last week that a guy came in here and made the comment about me getting a D? Well, he came in here this morning and I asked him how he knew. Wouldn't give me a name, just said "Honey, all of Anderson County knows your getting a D" ENOUGH SAID. It's obvious my H has told the world and is proud of it.

It's almost as if he wants me to force it. Because then he can say, "well, she wasn't willing to wait for me to clear my head, so oh well - I guess this is how it has to be since she can't wait!" I just can't believe he is willing to rip our family apart, for what? An illusion? He isn't even sure. So what the heck is he doing? What am I doing? I can't even think straight. I just sit here and keep crying. I guess I can't worry if he sees me as this weak person when he comes here later. I've been trying to look so strong. I am not made of steel, I can't keep taking what he is dishing out.

I can't believe that guy came in your office and said that. What is wrong with people? They haven't got a clue.

Imagine how I felt when I found out that my H took our DS to TGIFriday's for lunch one afternoon, LOCALLY, with MOW and her two kids! I was like "OMG, he doesn't even care now who sees him???" And he is a retail business owner in the area. He knows EVERYONE. He is SOOOO f-ed up!!!! He is SO not the man I married. Freakin' alien. It is so so sad.

I think you got it right. He is forcing you. Did Tired email you that article? It's your H to a tee. It's my H to a tee. It's Tireds wife to a tee.

He is the alien. He is not your H. It's up to him whether he puts the alien away and makes presence as your H.

God I am so mad right now.

I think I read that article the other day and I guess I didn't want to believe that was my H, I was in denial that that was what he was doing. But I guess it is him. It's so sad. This is SO his choice, not mine. And I will be making that clear. I just wish that whole relationship with the "beast" aka "atilla the hun" would just self-destruct.

What time is he coming over today? Don't you dare let him see you sad. Put on whatever face you can that will let him know that no you don't want to live without him but you CAN and YOU WILL. You just don't deserve this. I am so mad at your H, I am so mad at Tired's wife and Blues H and my H.

I am so mad right now im starting to scare myself.