I'm looking for some advice on this whole plan A process. D-Day was a few weeks ago. In the mean time my wife did send a NC letter to OM. Less than a week later she made contact, I found out and it was as painful as d-day, maybe more. I don't want to be smothering, I don't want to obsess to the point I go any more crazy than I already feel, she has all these feelings for the OM. What do I do? I really feel lost? Do we go somewhere together? Do I leave her alone? I just want her to get through the first few weeks of withdrawal. I'm not sure she can. What to do? I 've been really trying to feel special, which she is to me. I get nothing in return which is fine with me as long as I can keep her away from OM. Where is a persons snapping point?

I feel that way alot as well headsouth. I have no idea what to do next. My H asked me to leave him alone and that's an approach I haven't tried yet so that's what I'm going to try to do.

I can't really offer you any advice at this time because I am not through this moment. But I wish you the best.

Be Blessed,
SL

Hey headsouth and SL,

I've been there. Dday was 2/1/06. There is no word to describe the pain, betrayal, hurt you guys are going through.

I kicked my WH out on D-day. It was instinctive and the only thing I knew how to cope. But I made sure everyone knew about the A especially H's family including the OP family. So if you haven't exposed the A, DO IT NOW! It's your only chance to start killing the A. Affairs can only be sustained as long as they are kept a secret. WH didn't expect I would expose him. So, now he has to live with that shame and humility for the rest of his life.

I tried everthing to meet my WH emotional needs. But it wasn't enough. He kept seeing the OW. So I made the decision that I wasn't going to be a part of his game to feed into his ego (which he admitted). I continued to be cordial and loving, but once the bounderies were set, I didn't allow him to cross it.

You cannot force someone to love you. I've implemented plan b recently because the alternative would certainly be a divorce. Once I implemented, I felt a sudden relief o not having to try so hard. It also took my WH by surprise.

One thing that WS has in common is that they lack the self confidence, self respect and do not know how to love themselves. If they knew how to love themselves, they would know how to show love to those they profess to love, their spouses.

In the meantime, read this book: 'FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY", by Susan Jeffers, Phd. Was recommended by my MC. It's about dynamic techniques for turning fear, indecidion and anger into power, action and love. Just started reading and so far it has given me the courage to not let my WH A hurt me anymore than he already has.

Remember, until WS see the light through the fog, it's all about them! Even though they can see you hurting and crying, they don't care! Period. They have no remorse for their actions. Are they sorry? Sure! But in the initial stage of D-day, it's all for show. And once they turn their back on you, they're with their OP living in their delusional fantasies without regards to anyone including their children.

My WH OW has two teen-age daughters and had the selfish gull to ask her kids about my WH moving in with them as a "family" while he was still married? How sick can you be?

The sweetest revenge we BS can do is to rise above them. They expect us to fight for them. It's part of feeding their ego. While it's okay to continue to meet their emotional needs while neglecting ours, we all need to figure a dateline as to when we stop compromising our own dignity for them with no guarantees in return. That's tough. But only you can decide.

Good luck. I feel your pain. Remember, it gets easier every day.

Stargazelily