Well, it appears there are two camps here and I happen to think everyone is correct to some extent and so here is my new version and thanks for the input


This letter is very hard for me to write. I have loved you for so long and I can't believe it's come to this but here we are.

Over the past several months I have felt disrespected. Another person is sharing pieces of you that weren't appropriate for a married man to share with another woman. This has caused me and the girls much pain and damaged our family structure.

Our children, are important to me and knowing that you are a fantastic father has always been a matter of pride to me. We did goood with them but recent problems in our marriage are now causing them pain. I can't tolerate that.

I am going to end all contact with you. Your mother has agreed to act as a go-between if things, regarding the girls or the house, need to be handled. Also, there may need to be contact regarding the separation agreement. You can make arrangements to pick up Liz and she will come out to the car, if she wishes to go with you. I am doing this to protect myself from the pain and hurt that I'm now feeling.

I never wanted a divorce. I thought we were forever. This was never my choice. I had no say in the matter. My attempts to get us into counseling were ignored and then you left. So now we are at a point where you are calling the shots but you can no longer call them for me. I am deciding to take back what's left of my life and make it the best it can be for me and the girls, with or without you. I still want to save the marriage because I do love you, but this is something you must want too.

If you want to work on our marriage, all contact with(OW) must end, that includes working with her. I have made mistakes too and I'm working on making myself a better person but to make a better marriage, which I believe can be done, will take both of us trying.

You were my best friend and I miss what we shared. I would like to work on recovering that but no contact with her, agreeing to marriage counseling and working with me on a plan to restore our relationship are conditions that must be met Until that time please respect my wish for no communication between us.

I love you,
me

Send it.

Per Mel's (I think) recommendation earlier, read up on Plan B in SAA so you're prepared. Have your MIL read it as well.

Be ready for an unpredictable response from your H. Assume he will not honor your request and he'll try to contact you right off the bat. When he tries to make contact, simply refer him to your letter. You have stated your conditions. Your stock answer to ALL communication attempts (not associated with the separation details or unavoidable children issues) is, "Are you ready to end all contact with OW and work on our marriage?" If the answer is anything other than "Yes", then you say, "Goodbye. Let me know when you ARE ready. I love you."

WAT

Thanks WAT. I am scared. It's like no pulled punches. I've been reading Plan B stuff for about 2 weeks but I am going to keep reading. H is coming here tomorrow to pick up things I boxed up after he left and I am going to hand him the letter when he's leaving. I've already made arrangements for 2 of my friends to be here so that we won't be alone when I give it to him. Like I said, I'm scared, not of him but of the possible finality of this. However, it has to be better than this anger daily and the pain I'm feeling in this limbo.

Well, for what it's worth - just about 100% of MBers who go to Plan B are scared to some extent. You're normal! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Good idea to have some support in place tomorrow.

About the Plan B = finality thing. I know of no stats on the % of Plan Bs that result in recovery opportunities. Mine didn't. But I'll argue that 100% of the time, Plan B DOES get you closer to finality - whatever that happens to be! I this regard, Plan B cannot fail.

OK, so that's an obvious, useless argument.

My point is that for the last few days you have clearly been in need of a different course. Your H has taken a tact that is even more painful for you and your family than the affair alone. You should not have to go through either. You cannot end his affair for him nor make him work on your marriage. But you CAN end his verbal abuse. You are ending it. You are helping yourself. Another step towards finality.

WAT

Great letter. Good luck with it... I pray things work out fo you.

I wish I had your courage---
I did end contact with my WS, but that lasted 6 days and he called me. I am setting my boundries and told him the stipulations, and he has respected them.
It's just so difficult to end contact with a person you thought of as your best friend, but what I've been told is that I'm only missing what I thought I had, but that's not what I really had.

WAT, thanks for all your help. Yes, finality, which ever way it comes. is important. The last few days I've seen conclusive evidence of your mothership theory. H is living in some other place that I don't even begin to understand. This is the best choice now.

mkeverydaycnt, thank you so much for all your input. You've helped me immensely. With your law enforcement background, I know hat you know how quickly cruel words can turn to real violence and I thank you for helping me to remember that.

kimhurtinohio thanks for your kind words. I'm going to start another thread to you regarding my courage or lack there of. I'm in Ohio too.

you are welcome... I hope things are going okay... find a few moments today to peek in the mirror... smile and remember the woman looking back at you is so deserving of love and respect. Know that that woman... struggling to smile a smile that once came so easily is now choosing to endure pain for the good of her family... she is a wonderful creature that decided that the easy way out was not the way to go. Be proud of yourself for standing for what is right and for your daughters. You are teaching them.... know that every minute your young one is watching you and absorbing all that you (and your H does).... she is learning from her best teacher that others.. even those closest to her NEED to treat her with respect. Be PROUD of this lesson you are showing her... talk to her about things. You are a good woman....
Consider yourself hugged.
Robert (Aka... MEDC)

mkeverydaycnt thank you so much for your support. I needed that today. Plan B is now in effect.