Remember the movie WHEN HARRY MET SALLY? The big thing in there was that men and women cannot be "just friends".

In my younger days (when the movie first came out) i thought that that was so untrue, seeing that i had guy friends that were just friends....but now i am really beginning to believe that they cannot.

Anyone else have an opinion on this?

I know this is covered in the book His Needs Her Needs, but I don't remember how it's exactly worded. I believe that Harley strongly recommends against it. The two friends may very well have only intentions to be friends, but once they start meeting each other needs as friends (conversation, admiration, etc) it makes for very fertile grounds for an affair to begin.

You'll see a majority of the affairs being dealt with on this board are people who started off as friends, be it coworkers or acquaintances.

I don't know, I think they can, I hope they can. I have two very close male friends. But, in both friendships, it is very clear that there is no romantic connection. Both relationships have clear reasons why there is no romantic connection. Maybe that helps, it is not up in the air.

Oh heck, I don't know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

losttiger,

Have you read HNHN or SAA? If you have, then you will quickly see that most of us who believe in MB principles will almost all say that this cannot be. I do not want to speak for others but it is very clear in these books that no individual contact between members of the opposite sex (or same sex if you are so inclined) should be tolerated. The risks are way too high!

C-

Maybe...as long as both parties know the limits and stick to them without hesitation.

I've had several female friends...but then I also draw a very clear line that BOTH of us can see that indicates what is 'off limits'. No talking about relationships, no flirting, absolutely nothing that either of us would be nervous if we'd said that in front of our spouse. BOUNDARIES are the only way that this kind of friendship could work.

I would definately say yes they can be "just friends". But I can also see where there is a line you just can not cross.

The question you must continue to ask yourself when with your friend of the opposite gender being: Is everything I am doing or saying while with or communicating with this person something my spouse would approve of?

If you would always have that approval the line has not been crossed.

JKT and there is the problem

Is everything I am doing or saying while with or communicating with this person something my spouse would approve of?

This makes it a slippery slope as in everyone's life there will be moments of weakness and that is when you just might hit that slope. .02

I absolutely believe that this is possible. Many of my closest friends throughout my life so far have in fact been men. I work in a predominently male dominated field and most of my friends and coworkers are also men.

I have never been tempted even once to become anything more than friends with any of them. I also have not ever felt that any of these friends were interested in more than friendship.

Perhaps that is because I don't send out any signals that I would reciprocate any romantic overatures and have established firm boundaries via body language and by demonstrating appropriate standards.

I guess what I am saying is that like most things, it depends on the people involved. I am not a flirt and don't ever play what I consider cutsy games with my male friends.

I can honestly say that I have never engaged in an activity or conversation with a member of the opposite sex that I would not feel comfortable with my husband being present during.

Too bad he can't make the same claim!

Who

I asked because i have just heard the phrase...

We were just friends but....
and
It started out that we were only friends but....
and
Really there's nothing going on we are only friends....

one to many times.

I think that the nail has been hit on the head about, would what you do or say with this friend be something you would tell your spouse.

Eagle your right. It's a breeding ground for infidelity, and better left alone. But not impossible.

I think if your not married it is easier to have opposite sex friendships than it is when your married, unless it's a mutual friendship that both H and W share. The we are just friends phrase is what those who do find themselves in trouble with an A use for the "cover up". I hate to think if I made a male friend tomorrow I would always have to look over my shoulders and second guess every word, every action, etc. in fear it may lead to something else. And that is just what happened to me, now my "friend" is my stalker.
Sure, it can happen, as long as everyone is on the same page going in.

It's really not a question of 'is it possible'. Sure, it's possible. Anything is possible.

I could load a six shooter and put only one bullet in one chamber. Then I could play roullette six times in a row without getting shot. Then I would set the gun down and say, 'see? It's possible'.

How many FWS's here truly never considered the OP a friend before they became lovers? I doubt very many.

My wife had one male friend since we married. One. Guess what happened two years into their friendship?

Thats what I heard when I found out my H had been seeing a longtime friend from his childhood (he had a crush on)that he met again when he was in his 40`s. He had been seeing her for about 10 years behind my back. Always asked him if he was going over there to see her, he would say I have been there only once, but as I dug and got more info I found out much much more.To this day he is still not honest about their relationship. Still says they were JUST FRIENDS.




Friends you dont hide from your spouse.

I'd like to add something to my own comments too...

I have no CLOSE female friends. I have a couple of guys who have been there for me when I was really dealing with things from my wife's EA. But I will not allow any friendship with a lady to get close enough to pose a threat to my marriage. Again...boundaries.

Even 'mutual' friends are dangerous...my wife's EA was with a 'mutual' friend. Many affairs do start that way.

You CAN have a friendship like this if boundaries are in place and CONSTANTLY watched...but it's risky. Very risky if you stop and read through all the various stories on this site.

Hehe, now on the GOOD side of things...my wife is heading out right now to go to a local book store and sit down with about 20 people...all women (and one teenaged boy) who knit or crochet! It's a GREAT place for her to get some 'her time' out of the house. What's really cool is that I've met a lot of them...you see I crochet too. They think it's neat that I stop by and give her the van and spend 5 minutes talking about my projects. But...I don't stay 'cause I want her to have her OWN group of friends she can have fun with. Just wanted to 'vent' how glad I am that my wife is finally doing things outside of the house that are 'safe'. She HAS learned from what we went through! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />