New poster here.

My husband seems very accountable, trustworthy and reliable.

He pursued me with VIGOR before we were married. He was soooooo passionate.

But now, he NEVER initiates sex...I mean NEVER! I think it is about four times a year or so (at my behest usually).

We do have a lot of little toddlers running around.....but STILL....you MAKE time for what you WANT to do, right?

This is my second marriage. In the first, I was PRESSURED for sex all the time. What gives?

This is hubby's first marriage. We have no other kids besides each other's.

Also I don't think the issue is that I am letting myself go. Granted, after my pregnancies I may NEVER be 5'9 1/2" and 120 pounds like I was when I was married (and he said I was "too skinny" then!) but when I am not preggo I get back down to 140 or so. I think I am reasonably attractive, too. In fact, he is sometimes still mistaken for my father. (We are the same age, he is just balding which I think people assume makes him look older....but he is attractive to ME!)

This really sends my (normally good) self esteem to the gutter. We will be married 5 years soon.

Thanks for listening.

Are you saying that you current only have SF (sexual fulfillment) about 4 times per year? That does not seem normal to me.

Yup. To be fair, I have been pregnant six times in five years, so of course that six weeks post partum does not count and at the end of pregnancy it gets difficult.

However, hormonally in the second trimester....desire goes way up for me and the dry spell lasts through that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

A healthy male needs SF pretty regularly. If he's not getting it from you, he's getting it somewhere else - either alone, or with another person. Do you have any reason to suspect him of cheating? I sure hope not...

Hi! I have been married for 5 months and my husband and I have yet to have sex. I can't say for you whether your husband is getting his fulfillment somewhere else but for my husband it's just that he's not into sex. Maybe he just needs to use a hormone enhancer. I wish my husband had been into sex and then stopped because it seems that he would have an idea of what he was missing and would be interested in getting those feelings back. My husband decided several years ago that life without sex would just be easier so he's suppressed those feelings for so long that he doesn't feel them anymore and he would rather wait a few years until we're ready to have kids to try to get the feelings back. This is a terrible situation for me!!!! So frustrating and like you said it attacks your self esteem and self confidence. We're working on it, we discuss it often, it's just SLOW going for me. Before we got married I thought that my husband was going to consider himself lucky because I'm pretty open to most new things and my sex drive is quite high. What a shock to end up with a husband that talked a good game only because he was embaressed and knew that it was going to be an issue. All I know is that the only books you can find are the ones that talk about horny husbands and indefferent wifes. My story, and yours, are quite the opposite. Not a lot of advice but I hope the "misery loves company" rule applies.

Bumping my loooooooooooooooong ago post because this is still a problem and it is getting worse.

It just feels so humiliating being the W with this problem! Usually you hear about it the other way around!

Any insight appreciated!

JoA,

What does he say about SF? Do you believe it is an EN or just a physical need?

What are his ENs? What are yours? Have you guys done the questionnaires?

When did he stop? Did you guys enjoy foreplay and acts of affection, or do you, outside of SF?

We've had some other women in the same boat...if you want to do the search. I didn't see you answer the other posters...which is usually when posters stop posting...because we don't feel our questions will be answered.

Have you verified he's not having an A or possibly doing porn and self-gratification instead?

I do remember what was up with the toddlers running around. How many do you have now?

Have you read Dr Harley's Four Rules of Marriage? Hard to get that 15 hours of UA...sure worth it. Affects everything. Gotta connect to connect, IMO.

LA

Thanks for your replies. Yup. Done questionnaires.

I don't think he is having an A or doing the self thing. He is highly religious.

15 hours of UA seems like a LOT with four toddlers.

This is just eating me up inside.

I come from the 60's I never heard tale of young people not doing it. Y'all better start getting with the program . Of all things enjoy each other AND OFTEN . If he does not start it YOU DO IT . for crying out loud BE NAUGHTY.
& have fun <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

On the questionairre, what did he say about SF as an EN?

And what does he say about all this?

Maybe a regular 'date night' would help. (Yes, I read about the kids.) Still...

- WG

My first thought is that he's afraid to. He doesn't want any more kids and you seem exceptionally fertile. If I had to guess, he's just protecting himself from getting you pregnant again.

I'm not expert, but I seriously SERIOUSLY doubt that any man, no matter his circumstances, is getting by without any kind of SF whatsoever. Four times a year? I literally couldn't do that if I tried; it would happen in my sleep if nothing else. Have you checked the sheets? He's getting it from somewhere, guaranteed. It's like saying your husband can hold his breath for half an hour.

I'm definitely not an expert...but it may be that seeing you pregnant changed his opinion on sex. I know some men won't have sex with their wife when they are pregnant because they feel its weird. My husband..although we have no kids yet, he said that if I got pregnant he would see me differently he thinks and he is afraid of that and he doesnt think he will want to have sex with me when I am pregnant. Since you have been pregnant alot in past few years, he may associate sex just with creating babies. I would suggest not having sex but doing things that would not create a child, but still creates sexual pleasure for the both of you.

Also you might want to bring him to a doctor, but if its not psychological, it may be physical.

Well, then have you considered the possibility that maybe he doesn't want to continue to overpopulate the world? Maybe all the toddlers running around, with the prospect of creating another one every time you have SF, are diminishing his desire as he fears the consequences.

Have you considered using birth control or (gasp!) (him) getting a vasectomy or you a tubal so you won't continue to overpopulate?

Hi Joan - I can understand and wonder if anything has changed? Have you talked to your H about your feelings? Does he know that you would like to not only have SF more often but would also like it if he would inititate?
I do agree with you that typically this problem runs in reverse (ie - H wants more SF than W). Since I am not a man, I know I can't explain the male perspective... But, I can relate to where you are at with the problem. I too have a pretty strong need for SF. I've had to deal with the problem head on myself.

What do you think is his reasoning? What does he say when you ask?

Hope you're adjusting to Daylight Savings Time well. It can be hard with a bunch of little ones!