Hello,

This is my first time here and I really need some advise. The story is very long but I'll make it short. I've been marriage for over 13years and I have a 2 year old. I really screwed up and had an affair for 1 1/2 years. When I was caught she filed for divorce. I then disconnected with my lover and tried to get my wife back. We were still living together and the tension was so thick in the house that in the matter of time I started to talk to the lover again and my wife had know idea. My wife moved out of the house. So at this point I was very confused. I ask her if we can go to marriage counseling and she didn't want to, she finally said yes. We went to counseling for a while and it really wasn't working out. I started to talk to the lover more and more because I felt my marriage is over. Well long story short I got caught again. My wife couldn't believe it and now for sure it's over. I stopped talking to the lover. I couldn't believe what I have done to my marriage. My wife completely stopped talking to me. I tried calling, emailing and nothing. We finally talked and I cried and said that I was very sorry and that I'll do what it takes to restore my marriage. I have been an open book to her. I gave my cell and email passwords and answered all of her questions regarding the affair and why I did it. Now everyday she asks the same questions about the affair and then she starts to remember other things about the affair and she says it's over between us she can't handle it. This has been happening every single day. My counselor told me to see her every other day to reduce the tension and for my health. My wife doesn't want that. She said that she’d disconnect if I do that. This has been hard on my health and job and now I'm on meds for anxiety. The wife still keeps asking me about the affair. I have no more to say. Then she wants it over because I tell her enough. I know what I did was absolutely wrong. I’ve asked for forgiveness I been remorseful. I have requested her to ask me questions every other day and on the days she shouldn’t to write it down and ask me on the day she should. She said no, this is her way to heal. This is killing me and I can’t take it anymore. Our son is seeing all of this and she is disrespecting me in front of him and he is always seeing me cry. He always grabs a tissue for my tears. This isn’t good; he shouldn’t have to see this. I’m now holding on because of my son. Don’t get me wrong I do love my wife but this constant pain has been enough.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You might want to post on the general questions II thread, where there is more information about infidelity.

You sound a little bit foggy - like it is all about you. First you cheated on your wife, then continued to see your other woman, and now you think your wife is disrespecting YOU???????

And you think you can dictate what days she asks questions about the affair???????

YIKES. Are you for real?

I see that you have posted on GQII as 'believer' suggested. I agree, that's where you should start. You have some major fog to clear through.

If you haven't already read the material on this site, you may want to start. It will help you in your attempt to restore your marriage. It will also help you to understand where the folks at GQ are coming from when they address your situation.

Get ready for some 2x4's. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I don't think my wife is disrespecting me. She has every right to be mad. I know I did wrong. How many times do I have to be reminded each day about the A. I have answered all of her questions. Now the questions are all the same. What should I do.

Here4advise,

If you want your wife back bad enough, you do what she wants you to do. You patiently, lovingly, honestly and sincerly answer her questions. You have hurt this woman beyond belief.

The other woman needs to be out of your life completely, no contact period. You need to be accountable for every second of the day.

Gawd, isn't that annoying? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Answer them again, and again, and again until she is satisfied. Then after she is satisfied, she may still divorce you. You lied, cheated and trashed any ounce of trust that your wife had in you.

Had the table had been turned, would you care if your wife was annoyed by all of your repeated questioning about her affair? How many questions would you ask before you felt you were no longer being lied to?

It sounds to me like you simply want to be forgiven. Do you care if she ever trusts you again?

Thanks for all the input. Yes, I do want to be forgiven. This is the very first step. The trust can take years to build and I completly understand that. Her Questions, I do answer them over and over again but she builds up this huge fire and then she tells me she wants this divorce. Everyday she says this. What about my son, is it right that she has to yell and scream in front of him. I try to stop her but I can't. Our MC mentioned space, that we need to start to building our banks again, she doesn't want too. I feel that so many people tell me different things and I am so confused. I don't know who's advise to follow.

No, this is not right that she screams at you in front of your son. When she does, calmly remove your son from the situation. Make sure he is loved and cared for. Then go back and LET HER yell and scream at you in private. Listen to what she is saying, show that you care.

My friend, you don't know what you have done to this woman. Most of us here have been cheated on physically or emotionally and would rather be beaten to death with a baseball bat then be hurt like that again. Your wife is going through tremendous emotional turmoil and most of the time, she probably wishes she was dead. Do you know how that feels?

Sorry if I seem harsh, but cheaters don't get much sympathy here. However, we all do want your marraige to work.

One more thing...

This is all about her now - not you. You put her first, not yourself as you did in your affair.

Good luck...

My son is only 2 years old. I've tried to put him in another room. he's a toddler, he wants to be always right there. Also there is only so much a person can take. I do listen I do answer her questions but I'm not sure this is going to work out. At this point she isn't talking to me. She wants time. What do you think about the MC advise. I see him everyweek. He knows every detail. I can't post every detail here because its very long. So him knowing my problem leads me to give her space. I can't lose my job. She wants to talk in the phone and I can't because i am a work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

My MC advised that one day a week we take our son elsewhere (babysitter) so that we could "talk" without him in the house. Putting our son in another room was not the answer either because 1) Our son, like yours, wanted to be right there with us until he got so scared of his father screaming at his mother and then he'd go hide. 2) Putting your son in another room was fine if we could "talk" but he always ended up yelling, screaming and calling me every name in the book. The neighbors could hear us, so I know that our son just some feet away in a room even with the door closed could hear us.

How long has this been going on? My H has yelled and screamed at me for two years now. So I have decided that his agenda must be different than mine. I was willing to do whatever it took to make our M work. I would have "talked" to him until I was blue in the face. I would have answered any questions he had. And I have, over and over and over again. And I didn't mind. It was aggravating at times, but it's what I owed him. But after two years, and an affair of his own...I just can't take him yelling and cursing me out all the time. His agenda was different than mine.

Don't give up on your M. Work something out so that your son doesn't have to hear you guys talk. This is going to take a long time for her to get over. If she even does get over it. Mine didn't. You have hurt her more than you will ever know.

Would she consider posting here? We could help her.

She is the one the told me to come here

Although it's not a good idea to argue in front of children, I also don't think it's a good idea to make the child a scape goat for dropping the subject.

Find someplace else to discuss the affair. Your W will ask questions repeatedly until she is satisfied. If you want your marriage to recover, then deal with it. You caused this situation.

If you want forgiveness, talk to God. If you want your marriage to recover, talk to your wife. You are not in a position to be granted anything (by your W) at this point...you have to earn it.

On Friday I dropped off my son at my W house. I stayed there for a while talking with her and her parents. Before I left my W said that we will get together Sunday evening to talk while her parents take care of our son. My counselor recommended taking two days off without my son and thinking about how to make the relationship better and to write down what I’m going to say to my W on Sunday. Our son stays with my W for 2days and then with me for 2days. Saturday the W called around 3pm and left a VM saying why I haven’t called. She also said that she wants it over and not to call her anymore. I called her back and she didn’t want to hear it. She panted this picture and said that I was up to no good. I was trying to let her know what I was doing she didn’t care to hear it. My A has been over. When you feel you’re doing right things go wrong. I follow advise from my counselor and it back fires. I haven’t spoke to my wife for a week now. I try calling her everyday; I bought her flowers and nothing. I love my WIFE so much and I don’t want to lose her. I will do anything to keep her. I miss her so much. What can I do to get my wife back????

Does your wife post here? We may be able to help her.

You have to understand how bad you have hurt her, how angry she is. Do not give up, this will take time...a long time. You have a lot to prove to her, a lot.

I hope some of the old timers on here will chime in on this thread and help you out. I would like to offer you advice but I was unable to save my own marriage. I am a FWW, and I'll try to help you and your wife in any way I can. Just don't give up on her. Please. I'll be with you two in my daily prayers.

You may want to post over in the GQ forum, Infedility forum. It seems to get more traffic and you will probably be able to get more answers there.

Thank you, My W knows that I post here. She had read whats been going on here. Our D date is mid April.

I think the only way you will get your wife back is if 1. she truly loves you, 2. she knows how to forgive and not live in the past and 3. only time. Without those things I think it would be near impossible. You may well divorce and it could be a year b/f yall reconcile. But nothing you say or do will heal her pain except for time and God. And think if you do get together again-what if she doesn't let go of the past and constantly uses your mistake to throw in your face. If you are already getting tired of answering her questions how will you feel when for years down the road she keeps bringing it up? These are things you must think about and be willing to deal with if you truly want her back. I'd give her space and try to do everything she asks right now, because she is thinking you have no right to object to my conditions you sorry pos! If I want to yell at you then you better take it and then some. It's part of your punishment and its well deserved, but at some point she will need to forgive and let the past go whether yall stay together or not. Hope this helps.

Yes, you're right. My wife is worth it and I have thought about it. I know it my take a long time but I'm willing to stick with it. I'll pray about it and leave it in Gods hands.