Sigh...

It's a tough, tough day, one of the worst since this whole nightmare began. Some months ago, WH approached our bishop to confess the A. Immediately this went straight to the further church authorities, and a disciplinary council was held last month. Now... I did a lot of praying when he went to our bishop months ago, and after this, I KNEW what the outcome of the hearing was going to be. I just knew it. Well, today I found out, but through an e-mail that WH sent.

He's been excommunicated, until he "stops committing the sin". I am devastated. I knew this was coming, and indeed believe it is necessary, but still, it is no small deal to me. I won't go into the reasons why: it just IS, and it's a massive blow.

But what I need opinions on is this: the devastation, you see, was delivered via my WH. When I rang up my sister to tell her the news, she said, "He didn't have to tell you. You know what? He did this because he knew that it would devastate you. Once again, he's trying to get to you." And I blinked, and thought, maybe she's right. He sent a scan of the letter itself, saying, "I forward it to you as a courtesy so that you know both the result and, in the church's eyes, how this will affect the rest of the [family]."

Given that I'm Plan B-ing him, and our sole communication is meant to be about children and finances, and that his track record of the past nine months is of him apparently trying to get a rise from me, what do you think? I need some honest opinions here. Sure, I know I'm meant to be Ms Detached and everything, but the force of this letter was SO strong that I feel I must know if this was his intent. I wouldn't otherwise.

Thanks.

D18 informs me that WH knew the council's decision the day the council was held. Which means that although he's just received the letter, he's known what they decided for a month.

Once again I'm wondering...

RiverTam,

It sounds to me like it was meant to hurt you. But since I don't know him or the situation very well I could be wrong. I'm sorry for this devastation. ((((((((River Tam))))))))))

By the way, I think I know where you're coming from as far as the "no small deal" goes. I believe that my WH may be headed for church disciplinary council as well. I think he'll know on Thursday after his appointment, but I really think that's where it's going. I suspect he won't be exed, but I don't know. His A isn't ongoing at this point -- but only because SHE has chosen her family. If it were up to him he'd be gone. He's told me that very specifically. And he has nooooooo remorse whatsoever. So, I'll read up on your sitch, but it sounds like there are some differences between mine and yours.

Take care and good luck. I'm thinking of you.

Dulce

Thanks, Dulce.

I don't know... it's like he wants a reaction. I don't want to say that he wants to hurt me, necessarily, but he wants a reaction. Or maybe he just wants to "share stuff" with me (not consciously, of course: heaven forbid!) even if it's stuff like this. I don't know. I just wonder...

Anyway, Dulce, I'd appreciate a private chat if you could manage it. My e-mail address is sallysummers{at}fastmail.fm (You understand that it's meant to be @ instead of {at}, right? I type it that way to hopefully avoid spam.)

Anyone else have any thoughts on this? I am exhausted emotionally and just need a bit of CLARITY.

RT - We are not the same religion, but my WH was asked not to attend our church any longer while he continued the affair. He was asked to speak with the elders, and refused. We have been in the same church for 20 years, so it was a real blow.

Being a typical WS, he let me know that it was all my fault. I felt bad for a couple of days, but realize that he needed to face the consequences of his decisions and actions.

Thanks, Believer. I'm totally with you here: as devastating as this is, I KNEW it was coming, and like you, I knew it was NECESSARY.

My question really is about why he sent me the letter. It's such a violation of Plan B conditions, and I am sure he knows that it would have affected me deeply. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

For the record, by the time the kids came home from school, I decided to LIE about this (yeah, yeah, I know... did someone call out "hypocrite!"? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />). By the afternoon, I'd had a shower to unpuff my eyes and face, had makeup on, and looked positively chipper. I said to the kids, "Dad sent me an e-mail with an attachment saying what the church council's decision was. I didn't open it, because I know exactly what it's going to say. But I think you need to get in touch with him so that he can tell you what it says, and so he can explain it to you."

So they did this. Hot potato passed BACK TO HIM!

WH told S11 that he wants to repent, but he's taking it slowly, a step at a time. My translation? He wants to continue seeing OW. See - if he wanted to HURRY his repentance, she'd be out on her ear! Alas, that's not happening. Maybe he's stopped shtooping her or something. Yeah. I'm sure God is REALLY applauding him right now!

Sigh... it suddenly occurs to me why WH is so he11-bent on a D when the year is up. D me and he won't be committing "adultery" any more, will he?

Oh, the screwy, screwy reasoning of these MLCing WSs!

My husband is taking the same slow, one step at a time path toward repenting. He's been doing that for 3 years now. He has basically done nothing.

I don't know about you, but I felt good that my church supported our marriage. So many friends and family members didn't want to "get involved". And I have seen many cases where the church did nothing.

This is what I'm afraid of, too. The path of least resistance, you know?


Oh, absolutely! When our bish first got involved, he was saying, "When I talk to each one of you, it's like we're discussing two different marriages." But as soon as the OW turned up, the reason for that became clear: he'd been demonizing me and my marriage, and it stood out a mile.