Things have hit a new low with STBX. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my atty to talk about the D and to swear an affidavit. She told me that STBX still hasn’t responded to her requests to provide her with a financial disclosure.

When I got home, there was a letter waiting. It was from the gas/electric company. They said I owed them £350 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> and would be cutting me off in 7 days unless I paid them. Despite his promises, STBX hasn’t been paying the bill for three months now.

On top of this, the boiler broke down last week, and this cost £215 to repair. I sent the receipt and a letter to STBX, asking him to pay half. After I got the notice from the gas/electric people, I sent STBX a text, asking him why he’d stopped paying.

Well, he texted me back saying that he thought I had enough in benefits (welfare) coming in to pay for all of it and he wasn’t going to. He said I had to stop asking him for money!!! I was astonished. I TMd him back, asking was he going to let his children freeze, and how could he live with himself. He said that he is still ‘paying off all your debts, and won’t get any credit for at least 5 years’. I asked him what debts? He said he’d put it all in a letter to his atty.

I said that in actuality, his affair had ruined us all, and he couldn’t even admit it to himself. I said I pitied him. It’s true – I do. Because of this, he is going to lose everything.

I’ve been wondering a long time whether I should move away from here, to the country. My parents have very generously offered to buy me and the girls a house. I have been torn about whether to accept – the girls adore their dad, to the point that they no longer seem to think he’s done anything wrong. They are very happy in their schools. I always thought that, despite everything he’s done, that STBX would support us financially. But he’s proved to be totally unreliable, yet again.

I thought he was different from other WS in this respect – but he’s not. How could he just let the heat be cut off during the coldest winter we’ve had for years?

So, I think it’s time to make arrangements to leave. My atty says there’s nothing STBX could do to stop us moving away, as long as it’s within the UK. It’s over 250 miles distance to where I would move to. I phoned SIL and BIL yesterday to make arrangements for a ‘fact finding mission’ over Easter.

Am I doing the right thing? Is it right to take the kids away from their dad – even if I know they are going to a better life? They would have a proper house, not an apartment. They would have a garden, something they’ve always wanted. Trees, fields, nature all around them. Good schools. Their cousin, whom they adore, very nearby. But they’d only see their dad a few times a year.

Please – your comments and advice.

Alph.

Alphin,

Sorry you are having to go through this. At this point I am not sure if it is even worth talking to CSA about child support since they are being reworked. CSA have never been a true viable option because it never worked as it should.

Speak to your lawyer about what support you are due. But if I remember correctly if you are on full benefits than the government gets the child support because in theory they are supporting you. But again you should verify this.

I would also like to point out that as of December 2005 the laws have been amended to add some Father's rights to custody cases. Still not as comprehensive as in the USA but England is starting to see that fathers have rights too. I think you would be able to move the children to where you wanted but would still have to provide access. I am not trying to guilt you into staying in an area where you would have no support but it is something to think about. How will they see their father?

Who's name are the bills in? Are they in both or your H's? Because if they are in your H's than he will be responsable to pay them. See if you cannot have the bill switched to your name. Can you make a deal with the gas company? Also start looking at all the other bills because my guess is he has not paid them either.

Hi there - thanks for your reply.

STBX has to pay £62 a week in CS, of which I get £10 - as you say, he is in effect paying for my Income Support.

I am quite willing to provide access to their father, but it wouldn't be nearly as much as he has now - for purely practical reasons. He is a teacher, though, and could have them for long periods during school holidays, and I am more than willing to allow this.

Unfortunately, this gas/electric bill is in my name. I am responsible for it. I will find a way to pay it, but it makes me so angry that he promised to pay for all this, and is now going back on his promise. I warned him this would happen when he first left - that he wouldn't be able to afford to pay into two households, but he assured me he would keep paying no matter what - 'the children won't suffer'.

I'm so sick of this party. For many reasons, I've convinced myself to stay here, even though I've never like living here. Now I can't think of a good reason not to move away.

Alph.

Alphin,

My opinion is that you should move away. You are not taking away WH's access to the children.

Seeing the way WSs behave, I really have doubts about letting kids spend time with them at all. Luckily for me my dds are old enough to decide for themselves and they have decided to spend the least time possible with their father. Not that he makes much of an effort to spend more time with them. So in the end it all seems to work well for all of us. I don't want the WH's influence on them.

He's the adult. If he wants to be a father he'll find a way.

You must do the best you can for yourself and your daughters, give them the best life you can because your WH is NOT thinking of your family, only himself.

just my 2 cents

Hi cc.


Same with me. And I don't want the OW's influence on them, either - as little as possible, anyway.

If we move, they could spend holiday time with STBX and OW. This would mean that they spend extended periods of time with them - a couple of weeks at a time rather than just odd days here and there. I'm not sure if this is better or not.

But I would be back in control of my family if I moved away - this is very important to me. Ever since STBX and OW moved within half a mile of us, and especially since STBX introduced the OW to the girls without my permission, I have felt very out of control, that STBX was forcing things to go his way. That will stop if we move - I know I'll feel much better about myself as a parent if the OW isn't breathing down my neck 24/7.

And of course, there's my illness to consider, and the fact that my parents aren't getting any younger. We need to be near each other.

I think it's time to start making real plans.

Alph.

Do what you have to do to fight for your family. WS has chosen to leave the family.And he's not welcome either.

I'm sure you'll feel much better once you can control your life. I wish you the best and you are a strong and wonderful person, so I'm sure that you will find peace and happiness soon.

Thank you, cc. You are very kind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

In a way, I can see what happened yesterday as a blessing in disguise. I couldn't make my mind up what to do - I was really torn as to whether I should move or not. But STBX has, in effect, made my mind up for me. I thought I could trust him to be there financially, I didn't think he'd be just like all the other WS's, that he could let his girls down like this. I was wrong. He's a complete [censored].

So - anyone know anything about Norfolk? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Hi Alphin,

Moving sounds like a better option then t/b ruined by the WS. You will have your family around you and right now that is more reliable than a WS.

Your children will then have as much access as the WS will allow. Expect the WS to have a tantrum. He has one anyway.

Let the children know the move is because 'their current father choose NOT to pay for 2 homes and he has chosen NOT to pay for his family.'

Is it an LB? Nope, not if it is directed to the WS. Let them take that back to his ears. They must know the truth. Don't unplay his nelgect.

take care,
L.

Hi Orchid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

He told DD12 that she never had to worry about anything, even though he was leaving, that he would still take care of all of us. He lied to us all.

Now he has a new car, but can't get credit for another 5 years? What is that about? And he won't pay for our bills any longer - how much longer before he won't pay the mortgage, either? Would he see us homeless for the sake of his affair?

I'm afraid the answer to that is... yes, he would. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Gotta get away from the crazy WS.

Alph.

Better to remove yourself and your chldren from his downward spiral. My son said when he was 6 years old: 'Mom, children don't like to be lied to.'

What profound words for one sooo young. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Our chlidren need the truth. It will hurt and you let them know you love them.

The WS does not love his family. If he did, he would NOT be a WS. Plain and simple.

So don't try and protect them or placate the Ws in any way shape or form. He will just use that to his WS advantage. In the meantime your real H is dying seeing what is being done to his family but the WS is in control and you can't do much about it until your H has the strength to escape.

Best you be at a safe distance when that happens....emotionally, mentally and financially.

Hugz,
L.

Hi Alphin,

I have been following your story over the past few months and am very sorry to hear about the financial trouble your WH has caused from his affair.

I, too, live in the UK but am in the fortunate position that i dont have to deal with the csa as my children are grown up.

What does amaze me though is how our WH seem to forget they have a financial responsibility to their original family - my WH promised my YS that he would pay his university fees, he still has not paid a penny and he has tried everything to reduce his portion of the mortgage payment.

My saving grace through all of this has been my wonderful friends and family. If you have an opportunity to move closer to your parents I would take it and Norfolk is a wonderful part of the world.

Im sure your girls would soon adjust to their new school and make lots of new friends.

Miffy 1

Thank you Miffy.

It still amazes me how nothing seems to matter to STBX except the OW and the affair.

On D/day he told me that he wouldn't mind if I moved away with the children. This shocked me more than anything else.

Even now, I doubt he'd try to stop me. If all he cares about is money to spend on his affair partner, then he'll have much more of it when we move. The house will be sold, and I'll be paying the mortgage in Norfolk to my parents. STBX will have nothing to do with it.

He will have to pay more in CS, but that will, I'm sure, be a small price to pay (pardon the pun) for him to have that nice fat equity to pay off his debts.

He'll be able to buy a house for himself and the OW - they want to marry after the divorce and start a family. I used to think that by staying here, by forcing him to pay for our mortgage and keeping him and OW in their scummy rented flat together, it might put pressure on the affair, but it doesn't seem to have done that, and frankly I don't care any more anyway.

Let them have their affair marriage, if they want it so much. I just want to get away and start a new life.

Alph.

Alphin, he's a disgrace. They are living on two teachers' salaries and you can't pay your heating bill. You are an incredibly lucky lady that your parents are in a position to help you out and I would be inclined to accept. I understand how hard it seems to uproot your girls - I've got to face that one sooner or later.

For now, would your parents help with the overdue bill? TT

Hi TT. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I certainly am very lucky - throughout this whole mess I've kept thinking to myself about what I would do if I didn't have my parents to support me - anything that STBX wanted, I guess.

Uprooting and moving away doesn't seem nearly as hard today as it did before I got that letter and TM'd STBX. My path was clear and straight before me, for the first time.

I've phoned the electric people today, to beg for an extension. They were very nice about it, actually, and have given me 9 months to pay it off.

Phew!

Alph.

Alph,

I am glad the electric company has helped you. I like you never thought my WH would not pay either and well it happened to me as well and I had the gas shut off a few months ago remember.

So with that said I believe if moving is an option for you and it would be best for you and the girls then I would do it.

these are the consequences of his actions that he has to live with. He chose to leave you and his family in such a mess not the other way around. So IMHO you have to do whats best for you.

It's hard living with the crazyness of a WS and their entitlement, so we just have to move past it and take care of ourselves and let them wallow.

Your WS like mine are doing everything to make us believe life is good for them, but I for one minute don't believe it. They are just so darn foggy they can't see the truth of it all. Time and consequences will catch up to them. In the meantime you take care of you and the girls and do what you must.

Take Care ,

Hurting

Hi Alph -

Sorry to hear about this latest mess. He is being irresponsible.

When you say he "promised" to pay, does this means he's required to pay by virtue of some legal arrangement?

Can your attorney take the next steps and have him ordered to pay for stuff? In the U.S. his wages could be garnished.

Moving away sounds like something to seriously consider. You've been forced into this situation.

WAT

I am sorry Alphin, I know this is a big blow, you always said that he was at least, being financially responsible.

Sometimes, being pushed into a corner does let us see the clearest path out. You DD's realtionship with WH is on him, your priorities must first be food and shelter for them.

Do what you have to do.
((Alphin))

Hi Alphin! So sorry for this latest development but thank God for your parents! I was afraid this would happen once the girls started visiting with the OW there. It has now "normalized" the A and made the WS less caring toward his orginial family. Sickening but true to pattern, isn't it?

{{{Alph}}}

Very sorry to hear how irresponsible he is and how he lied to you all. If you remember mine has lied, lied, and lied... But I do remember at some point "maybe God is helping me here - he is becoming so nasty that I can almost hate him, which makes the whole thing much easier".

In a way, if your WH continues to be nice, it would have made things much harder for you to move. If I were you, I would definitely move closer to my parents. You are vey lucky to have great parents, and your girls will have better life b/c they will have you, their grandparents, cousins and aunts/uncles nearby.

But I know what you mean by "minimizing the influence". But even if your girls spend, say two weeks in a row with their dad, that's just a vacation. They will learn from you mostly, and even if your STBXH becomes a typical Disney Land dad, your girls will understand that they get special treatment b/c they are on vacation.

My therapist (she grew up in a divorced family) said that even though her dad spoiled her when she was visiting him, she always knew that her mom was the one who teaches her the right things and also she said she appreciated rules and structures provided in her mom's house.

Milk

Hi Alph.

Move.

I smile when I think of you and your daughters in your own house.

There seems to be some sort of remaining emotional entanglement, something not yet entirely disconnected, between you and WH keeping you there. It's not your daughters' availablity to him either. What is it?

With prayers,