Thanks to everyone.

Aphelion - you're right, of course. I don't know what to call it. Perhaps a memory of love? I'm certainly not 'in love' with him any more, but I do feel a kind of sadness and care when I think of him - when I'm not really mad at him, like I was yesterday! I don't wish him harm, and I am sorry that us moving away will hurt him. He still has no idea what he has given up, and the realisation will hit him so hard when it comes.

When that happens, we'll be 250 miles away. I guess that isn't so much in the states, but it seems longer here. I am honestly so looking forward to my own, WS-free space. The air in Norfolk will be clean and healthy - and not just because of the countryside!

WAT,

Nothing I can do about the bill - it was only a verbal agreement and the bill is in my name. I can manage to pay the debt off in the small installemnts the company have offered me. But I can't afford I pay the actual electric/gas bill itself every month. Another reason to move.

Jean,



Very true! He's helped me make my mind up, that's for sure. It's a shame that he's to all intents and purposes losing his children because of his selfishness, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Milk,

thanks for the info about your therapist, it's good to know that the girls will not be so influenced by STBX and OW by spending blocks of time with them rather than the day-to-day. I DO NOT want them ever to think that it's OK for a father and husband to do what their dad did, or, when they are women themselves, that it is ever OK to take a man away from his family.

Faithful,

Hi! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I just never thought he would do this, but you are right. It's as if, in his twisted mind, the girls don't exist when they are with me, only when they're over there in the septic lovenest. What do the kids need with heating and hot water and light when they are with me, when they have an Aladdin's Cave of toys and games and DVDs when they are over there with him? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I am looking forward to planning this, now. My solicitor suggested that it might be better to inform STBX of the move with a letter from them, rather than from me personally. So everything's hush-hush. I don't think there's any need to tell him until all the plans are in place to go.

Alph.

Alph, you should move.

GC

OK! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Doesn't anyone have any doubts about the move?

Alph.

Yea - I doubt you'll do it quick enough!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
WAT

LOL!

It's a logistical nightmare, though. How I wish I still didn't have so much darn STUFF in this apartment. DD12's room is a nightmare...

Not to mention actually finding a new place to live. I guess I'll probably rent to start off, whilst the place here is being sold. I need to be resident in the area where I'm sending the girls to school in order for them to be offered places.

Alph.

Alph,

Move! And do it quickly before you change your mind. I think that it is the best thing for you and the girls. I could never live 1/2 mile from WS and OW. I don't know how you have done it this long.

The girls need a stable life and what he is providing them by living with the OW is not a stable life on his part. Also if they really do marry and have children it is an unfortunate thing to think but your children will probably be second to theirs so it won't matter so much that you have moved away. That is the case with my Ex and his wife. Our daughter isn't even included in family pictures at his house.

Deal is though that you must keep in touch and send me your new email address if you move <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


HINY

HINY!

I will, certainly, keep in touch. You and DD could come and visit us and we could go to Norwich together - fantastic old town in Norfolk, just the kind of history-steeped ancient place you Americans like! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Hey, I've been to Norwich. I think I ate a kidney baked in a pie while in a pub there. It was a long time ago, so I may be misremembering. I do remember the good beer, though. Hard to forget a good beer.

And I remember liking Wells and Bath. But they’re off in the other direction, I think.

What HINY wrote about the possibility of WS and OW having children is certainly true. You should probably expect it. Your daughters will eventually be on the outside when over there. And then they will go over there less and less.

Yes, you should move, sooner than later.

I've known for a while that STBX and OW want to get married and have children after the divorce. That's why I can't understand why he's been dragging his feet so much over the D.

As for kidney pie - steak and kidney actually - BLECH! Don't the Brits serve wonderful meals? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Offal and tripe - delightful.

Alph.

Hi Alph,

I have a fear of flying. I might do it someday though, I can't live my whole life in a bubble I guess.

Yes please do keep in touch, you have my email. I really think you would benefit from moving and so would the girls. You said you didn't want to live there anyway when you first moved there. So I figure somewhere along the line you gave in and lived there for your WS. Now it is time to live for you and those girls. If you don't want to live there, right down the street from them then you should move closer to your parents. You would have help from them should you need it, esp. with your illness.

Good Luck with whatever you decide to do.

HINY

"As for kidney pie - steak and kidney actually - BLECH! Don't the Brits serve wonderful meals?"

Steak, huh. So I'm told. I didn't see any difference. And not because of the beer.

It actually did taste OK. But that may have been because of the beer.


"Don't the Brits serve wonderful meals?"

Some. Fish and chips wrapped in a newpaper, in Portsmouth. Now that was good.

They're not allowed to use newspaper any more - I always thought that the flavour of the ink on the food was an integral part of the experience. Still, it's banned now - health and safety rules. Bah!

Alph.

Another development. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I received a letter from STBX's bank today. When he left he opened up a new account with this bank; we still have a joint account with them - I have been using my own account with another bank since he left, and haven't touched this joint account.

Well, the joint account is nearly £4,000 overdrawn and the bank is screaming for its money back. It was overdrawn by £2,000 when STBX left, but this was an authorised overdraft. Unfortunately I was never able to take my name off the bank account - STBX wouldn't complete the forms.

I have just called the bank, telling them that there is no way I can pay back any of this money, as I am on welfare. I told them to contact STBX, as he and his OW make £65,000+ between them.

I am sick, sick, sick of STBX and his pathetic ways - he is incapable of living life as an adult! I can't believe he's let it slide to this point. BTW, he arranged to have all the bank statements sent to his new address, and cut off my online access months ago, so I had no idea what was going on, and no way of doing anything about it. As soon as I can move away from here the better.

He's such an a$$! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Sorry, rant over.

Alph.

Alphin, what an awful thing to find out.

The bank have a responsibility here too....how did another £2000 manage to be withdrawn from an account over and above the limit?

The one good thing he did was to change the address so that statements wouldn't be received by you. The bank can see from their records they haven't been sending statements to your address.

You need to follow up your phone call with a letter - with your name on the account you could be liable. I would write to the bank expressing your surprise at the state of the account, the fact STBX changed the address and you had no idea, the fact that you haven't used this account since he moved out, the fact he refused to have you removed from the account (do you have any proof like text messages or emails?) and the fact they allowed the acount to go over the agreed overdraft by so much!

I don't know if CCing it to your divorce solicitor would do any good but I'd be tempted to do that.

Friends of ours divorced due to an A....the WH spent, spent, spent on the A and ow....how they are not yet bankrupt we don't know. Like you say they are incapable of living life as an adult....throwing money around and getting into debt. My BIL & SIL lived like this too...it is now catching up with them after nearly 10 years. They progressed to fraud/theft but that's a whole different story.

It will be extremely good for you to remove yourself from having any financial ties to him.

Good luck with this....will you let STBX know you know?

Hi Strong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Nice to 'see' you again!


Well, I assume he'll get the same letter I did - I made sure when I was on the phone that they had the correct address!

I'm not bothered if he knows I know really. I've given up responding to him now except by letter through my solicitor.

He hasn't responded to a single letter I've written him, nor to any from my solicitor. I'm not sure if his head is stuck in the sand or *ahem* elsewhere. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I don't think there's much I can do about this. Whether or not I knew about the debt, my name is still on the account. There's a certain peace to being completely broke, nowhere else to go but up. I can't pay this debt, I can't pay any bills - there's nothing to be done but to sell the house and move away.

There'll be nothing left to sacrifice to the affair once the house and his children have gone. Hope the OW is worth it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Ohhh Alphin, I am so sorry to hear of this lastest development. There used to be some hope that at least your WH was going to be financially responsible.

But I understand your feelings about not having to make a choice about moving anymore. Like the song says "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose". Moving and getting removed from the WH chaos sounds like a great plan.

((Alphin))

Thanks Jean. This has all happened so suddenly, the financial 'collapse' of STBX. I guess it's just the build up of months of overspending, all coming to a head.

Alph.

{{Alphin}}

Emancipate yourself from this doorknob of a WS ASAP.

This is not the end of his woes, by a long shot.

Don't assume WS will function correctly in any part of his life any more. He still has a downward ways to slide and he will drag you with him financially if you do not get legally disconnected.

Protect yourself. Talk to your solicitor. Be proactive.

With prayers,

Good to see you too Alph <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Is the financial part of the D sorted out? Is this likely to be the last "surprise" for you?

Your move must look so attractive. You will be setting up a good, solid future for you and your girls with some wonderful support from your family. Meanwhile STBX looks to be spending everything (and more) forgetting his responsibilities even to himself by the looks of it. He's burning through his financial security at some rate.

There is a sense of peace with you moving....a new chapter for you far away from the craziness of STBX.

I'd still write to the bank and solicitor though....I don't see why you should be penalised for his irresponsible spending <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

We haven't even started. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> STBX has refused to provide my solicitor with a financial disclosure, so we are unable to proceed. She has written to him again, and if he doesn't respond this time it will have to go to court.

Another fly in my ointment is that my Rottweiler of a solicitor is going on maternity leave at the end of the month - yeah I know, how inconsiderate! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I don't know anything about the person who is taking over my case. I hope this doesn't slow things/mess things up.

Yeah, I love thinking about the move. It's gonna be a lot of hard work, but this kind of work I like. Purposeful, you know?

Alph.