Hi everyone,

I've been lurking for quite a while. Backround on me, I am a SWF, 35. Never been married, no kids. I know this is a dating after divorce, yet there is no forum for "dating after longterm relationship." I was directed here through another board and have learned so much regarding relationships and hope this will help me in my next relationship.

I was with my ex for 4.5 years and we haven't been together for 2.5 years. While I've dipped my toe in the dating pool, I haven't met anyone where I want to spend a significant amount of effort on. I'm not sure if I'm still hung up on the ex or if I'm missing the "comfortable" aspect that we once shared. The last time I saw him was after a mutual friend's father passed away, a few months ago. Seeing him again brought up extreme feelings of loneliness for me. I just can't seem to get him out of my head.

When we had gotten together, it was really effortless. I waffle between making an effort to date and just letting it happen. Although my ex had been an aquaintance, I couldn't have planned how we had gotten together. Wish I knew about this site back then, I wouldn't have been so naive!

Just wanted to introduce myself and hopefully gain some insight from the great people on this board. I feel a tad foolish since I don't have kids and we weren't married, yet at the time, he was it for me and I do feel like I've been through a divorce.

Hi Deserving! I don't have time for a proper welcome but know you ARE welcome here despite not having been married.

Welcome. The pain isn't any less.
I would suggest you read the Concepts on the site.
Many of us started here to save our marriages reading and implementing the concepts, and stayed for the support through the steps. So we believe in the concepts, and try to utilize them in our relationships now, to prepare us for a future partnership.
You will note that many of us are gunshy of dating. It just doesn't seem to be worth the bother. But, we likely need to do some work to identify our needs/desires and establish our boundaries before we can enter a healthy relationship.

first, what was the reason for the break up?

second, what is the significance of your screen name?

thanks

wiftty

Welcome! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />




Him or your loneliness?

It's hard to distinguish sometimes, and that can be misleading you from what really your focus should be...

Thanks for the welcome.

We broke up because I felt that our relationship wasn't a high priority to him. Also, lots of conflict regarding kids.....even though we had agreed on having one in the beginning. I, still to this day, am on the fence. When we discussed marriage, he told me he didn't want to do that again and when he saw how upset I was, agreed to it. That wasn't acceptable to me because I felt that he should've wanted to marry me because he wanted to, not because he was scared I would leave. Also, I couldn't tell him that I was 100% sure that I would be okay not having kids. I couldn't agree to closing that door forever.

I felt that I had to let him go if I was to open up that space to allow someone else in my life. It was a difficult decision.

I'm bummed that I haven't met someone. I wonder if I'm being realistic in thinking it will happen when it's meant to happen.

I think about him often and have seen him around town a few times. And I wonder if he's still in my head because I'm not involved with someone else.

How do I purge him from my system?

To answer the other part of wiffty's question....my name. Well, I have heard from a bunch of people that:

I deserve someone better (said by 2 of my now ex boyfriends)

I deserve more (said by close friends while going through the last breakup)

If anyone deserves a good guy, you do (said by another close friend).

The d-word came up quite a bit in reference to my relationships...and when I was trying to be clever with my name, that word kept popping in my head. I understand that the word could be interpreted as a sense of entitlement...that is not the connotation for me.

Hope that answers the question sufficiently. If not, please let me know and I can elaborate.

I can really relate to your choosing your name from picking up on the word reverberating around you and in you. That's how I get messages. "Intention" has caught mine recently.

You're mulling it over in your mind. Tell me other words as they occur, 'k?

Have you had individual counseling (IC)? I ask because you are aware of a lot about yourself, seems to me.

One more question to answer...Belonging's...

Another important one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Now for my own...

What are your beliefs about love? What does a marriage look like to you? Does a lifelong relationship depend more on who you choose or who you are?

How solid are you at showing care for yourself?

I ask all this because it directly relates to the lessons you learned and not letting go of someone you wanted to replace.

Glad you're here,

LA

Hi LA -

I read your post and it brought me to tears! You've quickly hit my soft spot with your questions! I'm am so thrilled that you have agreed to assist me on this journey. A heart felt thank you!

I will absolutely tell you the recurring words that appear.

Yes, I have gone to IC. A period of time during the last relationship and then after we broke up.

The ex remains in my head, not the loneliness. The loneliness comes and goes. Usually, I can sit with it and be okay, knowing it won't last.


"What are your beliefs about love?"

I believe that there are different types of love. The love I have for my family is different than the love I experience when I'm in a relationship. I believe that love lasts. I still love my parents, even though they are no longer alive.


"What does a marriage look like to you?"

Marriage to me, is a partnership where two people work together, have common goals, and take each other into consideration when making decisions that could have an impact on the other. For example - My SO would not have to consult me on which shirt he wears. My SO should consult me if money were to be spent on household improvements versus a luxury item. Marriage would be filled with love, compassion, acceptance, and appreciation. It would be safe, reliable, and constant.

"Does a lifelong relationship depend more on who you choose or who you are?"

Hmm, interesting, I've never thought of that and my gut reaction is that a lifelong relationship would depend on who I choose since I am already in a relationship with me. KWIM?

"How solid are you at showing care for yourself?"

Can you explain what you mean by this? Can't wait to delve into it!

Thanks!

"I believe that there are different types of love. The love I have for my family is different than the love I experience when I'm in a relationship. I believe that love lasts. I still love my parents, even though they are no longer alive."

What determines the different types...the way you love your family and in a relationship? What makes love last? What keeps you loving your parents when they are no longer present?

"Marriage would be filled with love, compassion, acceptance, and appreciation. It would be safe, reliable, and constant."

Do you feel you have all these things for yourself already?

"Hmm, interesting, I've never thought of that and my gut reaction is that a lifelong relationship would depend on who I choose since I am already in a relationship with me. KWIM?" I do know what you mean...love the KWIM, which to me sounds like a donald duck kwip about swimming...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So you're saying you subscribe to people are replaceable belief? I thought I caught that in your reason for breaking up, but didn't want to DJ. Want to twice measure, cut once, kinda thing.

Solid self-care...same as the above question...do you show yourself consideration, appreciation, acceptance, compassion and love? Are you consistent in your expression...can be demonstrated many ways...physical care, appreciation for emotional or physical strength, study your spirituality, create friendships with other women, with those same above referenced characteristics in them...

Self care.

Do you keep your feet rubbed, toes trimmed, have encouraging converations with yourself, respond authentically to others when they attempt to define you, guard your boundaries but focus on your standards more? Do you laugh from your belly without covering your mouth?

Do you strut?

Do you actively acknowledge your thoughts and feelings to yourself and others?

Self care...too much to list. Get the gist?

You're so welcome. You ask for what you want and let the results go. You didn't manipulate me to come here...you asked. You were brave and questing. Thank your self, too, 'k?

LA

LA - you have given me some very thought provoking questions and I would like to return the favor by taking some time to give you well thought out responses. I will post later tonight!

Thanks for the donald reference, laffin'

Have a great day!!!!

Hi, D, and welcome.

Actually, if you read through these boards, you’ll find some very sad stories of people who were in your position, but got married anyway. After marriage, the child issue escalates causing stress. Then, if one person wasn’t enthusiastic about Marriage to begin with, that person often feels trapped, tricked, etc when the rocky times hit.

I know you still feel lonely and sometimes miss him, but you made the healthiest choice possible. You should give yourself multiple pats on the back.

I’d like to add to your deserve list. You deserve someone who wants the same things out of life you do.

As to making the effort. About 8 years ago my sister’s boyfriend broke up with her. She was devastated. He was it for her. She dated off and on, but never seriously. Two years ago, she decided to really look for a mate. She started by being more open and approachable, smiling at men, responding positively when they struck up conversations, etc. She also signed up for a pricey dating service. She really liked all the men she met, but not as dates. She has no regrets because she got a lot of practice making first date conversation. Since then, she’s had two boyfriends, if you can be 38 and have boyfriends. One she met through friends, but it didn’t work out. The other she met online, and so far, she couldn’t be happier. The very best news is they agree on some major life issues: where to live, children, marriage, etc.

Green...I love your quote. What is it from?

LA

"What determines the different types...the way you love your family and in a relationship?"

Love with family and friends (FF) - they've known me a very, very longtime and accept me for who I am, all aspects. They are a constant.

I've learned who I can go to for support, to vent, and to just hang out with. I can do all 3 with those that I'm closest with. And, those people do have the qualitites I want in a marriage - they love me, have compassion for me, accept me, and appreciate me. I am very blessed.

I've had to make some tough decisions regarding certain friends and family, where, even though I love them, I've had to withdraw a bit in order to not compromise who I am. Their definition of who I am didn't fit with who I KNOW I am.

Hmmm, love in a relationship. I'm realizing that as I'm contemplating this, it shouldn't be different, yet my past experience has taught me otherwise.

Romantic love, that euphoric chemistry that attracts two people - as we know, the beginning of a relationship is wonderful. Both people give, seemingly without effort. Intimacy, both physical and emotional, is occuring. Then the world comes back into focus, and while I become comfortable, I also become fearful. I haven't wanted to rock the boat too much because I'm afraid he'd leave. Fear of abandonment, you betcha!!!

So, I would let lots of things slide, not get discussed and would accumulate until I couldn't keep quiet anymore. Once I spoke my truth, I was free. Free from the outcome. The outcome didn't matter. I KNEW that I was TRUE to me. Or so I thought. Because, just like a monday-morning quarterback, I realize now that I was attached to the outcome. I want to learn how to deal with issues as they come up. I desire to not be attached to the outcome.

The difference, for me, between relationships with family and friends (FF) versus a marriage is that with FF, if a disagreement or misunderstanding occurs, you're not crawling into bed with them that night. You've got time to process the situation and then address it. Also, the more time you spend with an SO, the more opportunity there is for disagreements to occur.

"What makes love last? What keeps you loving your parents when they are no longer present?"

Revisiting the fond memories and having compassion for them.

"Do you feel you have all these things for yourself already?"

Not all the time...guess that means I need to practice self care more often. I'm getting better with keeping myself on my own priority list yet, when things get busy, I can easily put myself lower than at the top....definitely need to work on that!!!

"So you're saying you subscribe to people are replaceable belief? I thought I caught that in your reason for breaking up, but didn't want to DJ. Want to twice measure, cut once, kinda thing."

Love that...measure twice, cut once...do you have a talent for sewing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I absolutely do not subscribe to the belief that people are replaceable, yet I can see where you may have come to that conclusion. When I said that I had to let him go in order to make room for someone else, my intention was that I couldn't stay in a relationship to just be in a relationship AND I knew it would take me time to get over him. I believe(d) that I needed to work through the relationship before getting involved with someone else. That would only be fair to me and to the next person. I wasn't happy. The tools I had in my toolbox at the time weren't improving the relationship. I truly did not want to "replace" him, no one could because he is his own, unique self - yet I couldn't stay with him either without becoming his priority. I spoke my truth and he choose to walk away.

As GreenGables stated, I should give myself credit for leaving that situation. I do. I just thought that after 2.5 years, I would've worked through it by now. Hence, the reason why I'm here.

With regard to having kids, he told me that I should find someone that could do that with me, he didn't want me to leave, yet he didn't want to be the reason I didn't get what I wanted. I was astounded and hurt. And I told him do you think you find what we have so easily....like it's around every street corner. Yet, deep down, I couldn't promise him to close the door on having kids, just like he couldn't promise me that he would be willing to have one.


Self Care. I'm getting better at it and continue to do so!

My hope is to get to a place where it is automatic since I know me and KNOW that self care is more difficult for me to maintain when I'm involved because personal time is less.

Bring it on LA <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />, I'm so excited to be doing this with you and whomever else wants to join this thread!!!!

Thanks for responding Green. And thank you for adding to my Deserve List!!!

I'm glad things are working out for your sister...what did she do with herself during the 6 year time frame where she didn't make so much of an effort to date. Did she focus more on her self care and if so, what did she do?

Deserving,

"accept me for who I am, all aspects. They are a constant."

What about your xBF was not accepting or constant?

Duck when you see it coming...

"And, those people do have the qualitites I want in a marriage - they love me, have compassion for me, accept me, and appreciate me. I am very blessed."

And how much of that did you give to your last relationship...compassion, acceptance, appreciation?

(It was a swat, not a 2x4)

Question: "I've had to withdraw a bit in order to not compromise who I am. Their definition of who I am didn't fit with who I KNOW I am." How does their opinion matter enough to make your choice to withdraw? It's their opinion and you know it...doesn't touch who you are, right?

" as we know, the beginning of a relationship is wonderful. Both people give, seemingly without effort. Intimacy, both physical and emotional, is occuring."

No, it's called fusion and has nothing close to the joy and excitement of mature love. Both people are not being intimate...they are giving each other a projection of what each of them most thinks the other wants them to be. Lots of body chemicals trick us into thinking otherwise.

"Then the world comes back into focus, and while I become comfortable, I also become fearful. I haven't wanted to rock the boat too much because I'm afraid he'd leave. Fear of abandonment, you betcha!!!" This is when our magical projections of ourselves tend to fade after the initial infatuation point...and our fears come up higher because we slip and show ourselves, our true selves, which is real intimacy. Very scary. Usually when our expectations rise up really high, also.

"I realize now that I was attached to the outcome. I want to learn how to deal with issues as they come up. I desire to not be attached to the outcome." Aren't you an awesome learner!! Okay...you have to teach yourself to not be response-based. That means, you practice "I feel" and "I believe" statements often. Not just in relationships. You do this with family, friends, even strangers. No response needed, right? Statement to express only.

"if a disagreement or misunderstanding occurs, you're not crawling into bed with them that night. You've got time to process the situation and then address it. Also, the more time you spend with an SO, the more opportunity there is for disagreements to occur." Disagreements...where you and SO believe different things, is an agreement to disagree. That's respectful and real. I think you mean argument...where SO or you are trying to get the other to agree with their belief, is that correct?

Misunderstandings are trickier than they sound. Describe one before I go there, 'k?

The more time you spend with SO, the more this will occur: true intimacy, showing your true self, building trust, belief, respect of disrespect (depends on which one you practice), O&H, affection, attention, consideration, appreciation and acceptance. However, the one sunk in the middle is crucial to all the others...if you believe in right and wrong beliefs, and won't accept what your SO believes, then the disrespect will sink the relationship every time. Most do. Leads to arguments, resentments, anger and withdrawal.

"Revisiting the fond memories and having compassion for them." That is what we do in relationships, also. Actively.

"Love that...measure twice, cut once...do you have a talent for sewing?" I'm smiling because no, I barely hem. I'm a huge Ben Franklin fan, though...for his words, not his deeds.

Also, I work in the construction field and it's a staple, as I'm sure you can imagine.

I wasn't this way before, Deserving. I was full of DJs, and lovebusted hugely. I didn't get the respect part at all. Now I want to be careful by living without assumptions or mindreading (two sneaky DJs).

"I absolutely do not subscribe to the belief that people are replaceable, yet" A good rule of thumb...whenever you say a strong statement of belief and put a "but" "yet" "however" at the end of it, then look closely at your belief. You jumped to where you thought I was going and didn't really address my question.

If people aren't replaceable...and your XBF is a people (I'm assuming)...then just choosing to remain in a relationship with him, working on yourself, learning to respect what he owns and what you own, is a relationship.

Explain further what "just being in a relationship" means to you, please.

"I wasn't happy." You are responsible for your own happiness. For your own tools...does not depend on anyone else because you have no control over anyone else.

I've learned the worst place to put anyone, especially myself, is where I have all the responsibility and none of the control. Crazymaking.

My point is..."The tools I had in my toolbox at the time weren't improving the relationship." It's your toolbox, so please explain who the relationship was responsible for improving them or not?

"yet I couldn't stay with him either without becoming his priority." Your xBF chose to be with you in a relationship. Did he have an addiction(s) that prohibited him from meeting your ENs...or did you? There a quite a few here who are married to addicts and happily married, so I'm not getting the priority thing.

I have my own experience with being last place. My H put himself, work, pleasure, porn, food and spending before me. That was my belief. I've changed that belief. I've accepted his addictions and that they are his...I'm not the cause, cure or control of them. He works on them and I feel appreciated, loved, enjoyed and accepted by him. Better than when I SD'd to be his #1 priority.

"he didn't want me to leave, yet he didn't want to be the reason I didn't get what I wanted. I was astounded and hurt." Here is a fine example of why DJs kill. If he had said, "I love you and want to spend my life with you. I trust you to choose what matters most to you, to make your choices and I will make mine. I know I can't stand in the way of your own fulfillment." Would you have been astounded and hurt...or known reality better?

"And I told him do you think you find what we have so easily....like it's around every street corner."

Now I'm confused.

"Yet, deep down, I couldn't promise him to close the door on having kids, just like he couldn't promise me that he would be willing to have one." I'm hearing neither one of you could POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement) on this...and that neither one of you knew for sure what you wanted...and I have to ask...why was the breaking issue children and not marriage first?

Now, I am using xBF not to blame you for anything. This relationship had lessons you wanted to learn but are resisting, hence, can't let it go. My belief. So please keep in mind I realize this and am not saying, "Ack! Look what you did!!!"

So look at what you said about not being able to find that kind of relationship on every street corner...why not?

Bringing on whatever I can, with bells on.

LA

Good evening LA -


"This relationship had lessons you wanted to learn but are resisting, hence, can't let it go. My belief."

Yes. I'm wondering if this is why I'm not letting go. My hope is learn everything I'm meant to learn, grow, let go, and look back fondly at this chapter in my life.

"What about your xBF was not accepting or constant?"

He was constant. He was not very accepting of people that were different, making judgements based on color and sexual preference. He would nit pick at things I did, or did not do. Clothes needed to be folded a certain way, and put away in a certain way. Coffee needed to be made a specific way. He'd make a snide comment if I had a soothing CD on "oh, does listening to that relax you? (sarcastic)." I threw a surprise party for him...we had only been dating 4-5 months, so I asked a few people he was close to if I should do that. At the party, he said "don't EVER do this again." I explained later (when we were home) that I had asked HIS family if it was a good idea and they said yes. "Well, I guess nobody knows me" was his response. Maybe that last example belongs under appreciation.


"And how much of that did you give to your last relationship...compassion, acceptance, appreciation?"

I *thought* I was compassionate, accepting and appreciative. I realize NOW that I would also pass judgements. I didn't know any better. It's difficult to answer the questions since I look back, with clearer eyes and see where I messed up. I made a bunch of assumptions!

If we got into a discussion and I didn't agree with him, he would shut down. Discussion over. I learned to not bring things up. If he didn't want to do something and didn't say so, he would say "Whatever you want." Yet, his demeanor and attitude told me otherwise. I learned to do more things on my own, increasing the distance between us (I believe that is an LB, Independent behavior).


"I think you mean argument...where SO or you are trying to get the other to agree with their belief, is that correct?

Misunderstandings are trickier than they sound. Describe one before I go there, 'k?"

Yes, agrument is the correct word. I mispoke when I said "misunderstanding" because, in my mind, a misunderstanding is a quieter form of an argument. Could you explain the difference?


"You jumped to where you thought I was going and didn't really address my question."

I apologize for the assumption.

Could you go into this belief "people are replaceable" more because I'm just not getting it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> ?

"Explain further what "just being in a relationship" means to you, please."

Sure. I didn't want to stay with him because I was afraid of being alone or afraid of an unknown future. I didn't want to stay out of fear.

"You are responsible for your own happiness. For your own tools...does not depend on anyone else because you have no control over anyone else."

You are correct. I now know that. I did the best I knew how.

"Toolbox." I just didn't know how to be in a relationship.

"Your xBF chose to be with you in a relationship. Did he have an addiction(s) that prohibited him from meeting your ENs...or did you?"

No addictions for either of us. I was after work, his family, his hobbies, his house. Left little time for me. He didn't have to put the effort in, I was there anyway until I moved out. What is SD?

"If he had said, "I love you and want to spend my life with you. I trust you to choose what matters most to you, to make your choices and I will make mine. I know I can't stand in the way of your own fulfillment." Would you have been astounded and hurt...or known reality better?"

The reality would've been better. Making those type of statements would have shown me that while he loved me, he would've known that I was intelligent enough to make up my own mind.

"I'm hearing neither one of you could POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement) on this...and that neither one of you knew for sure what you wanted...and I have to ask...why was the breaking issue children and not marriage first?"

I realize that I had equated his committing to having a child to him committing to me. When I realized this it was like a huge light bulb went on for me. Committing to me and committing to having a child with me WERE NOT the same. I realized that HE was my gift from God (seriously don't mean to be sappy) and that I could have kids in my life without bearing one. Woo Hoo! I asked him if he'd been thinking about us getting married. His response was "yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. I don't think I want to get married again. I just couldn't face going through another divorce. I would never date again if that happened." Blew me away! Later that day, he said that if it was a choice between losing me and marrying me, then let's get married. What?! I didn't want to get married out of fear. I wanted to get married out of enthusiasm (here comes Donald), KWIM?????

"So look at what you said about not being able to find that kind of relationship on every street corner...why not?"

I had no idea that I would have this relationship. We started out so strong! I wanted it. I was very naive in thinking that finding each other and loving each other would sustain us and help get us through the rough times. It didn't.

I'm not so naive anymore. I'm not as trusting.

I had you on my mind today, D...and you're the last person I post to...what's that about?

You're not so naive anymore...I don't get that because I have never understood what naive really means...not you, me.

You're not as trusting...do you mean in others or yourself?

Are you more honest? Your post rings of truthfulness to me. I believe you state your truth without editing, a lot of judgment or hesitation. Is that correct? Were you this honest previously, say, 2.5 years ago?

Observations and questions...how do people stand me? lol

Each of your requests in your post of me are not going to be addressed tonight. Nope, the small ephiphany I had is what I'm choosing to share. I read all of your post, more than once, but the big part, the last part, stuck in my mind. If you want those answers, please ask me again what you want me to answer...as an act of kindness for my preoccupation with this thought...

He wanted the laundry folded a certain way and put away in a certain way. There's some kind of poet in you, D...that phrase stayed in my head, all the way to the end.

Not because of what he wanted, but because you accepted doing this AND noted it in your own pretty head. It stuck out. What sticks out wants to be noticed.

Then you describe how talking about having kids was your way of asking for commitment, marriage. That's what I heard. No quoting for me tonight, 'k? I annoy myself with being precise. Nope, tonight I'm taking you into my mind...watch your step...it isn't OSHA-proof in here...because this was what I heard, not necessarily your truth, 'k? Through my filter....

And he said that no, he didn't want to get married again because then if there was another divorce, he'd be alone and never date. Something like that. Been there, thought that...before I married, in fact. Okay. You were hurt by his truth...his, not yours...not even close to yours. I wonder what you heard in his reply. You liked my rendition of it, which could have meant exactly what he meant, but his words, his pat-down-in-the-brown-dirt story, hurt you.

And you said something to the effect that no marriage meant no relationship...I got that you want to be married, have that level of commitment, and without it, you would feel you weren't a priority or worth it. You drew a line, an honest line, and said, nope, marriage or not. This was boundary enforcement for you and I applaud you. Your truth.

He wrestled that choice, your choice, and said, "If it is between losing you (the relationship) or marriage, I'll take marriage."

Wow. He got through his enormous fear of a future he'd created in his head, got down to which fear was greater and stomped on one of them. Losing you was bigger to him than ending up alone, twice divorced, and never believing he would love or be loved again. HUGE fear.

Now for the ephiphany for me...I can really relate to this...and by you posting and signalling me, well, you have already changed my life. I just let go of a 20-year-old resentment I created.

See, you shot him down. He didn't give you what you wanted, in the way you wanted it at the time you wanted it. You wanted it folded in a certain way and put away in a certain way in a certain place.

Please know I realize this is the past...I am not blaming or criticizing...realizing can feel the same way...but whoa. Is there a whoa for you in that?

Was for me.

I've held onto all these years a pain, a terrible pain, which resurfaced in my H's affair to be felt again...though I hadn't let go of this self-created pain until today. See, I asked my H to marry me on the first day of leap year (yah, I was 27 and liked to believe I could empower myself that way), which was 1/1/88. Know what he said? "I'll tell you on my birthday" which was three months away.

Not romantic. I felt rejected through to my bones. Did I have a boundary? Nope. I asked, he answered. I had to wait. I was angry and continued to get angrier...until at midnight on his bday, he said, yes, and I said, "I don't care anymore."

I didn't get what I wanted the way I wanted it when I wanted it. We just had our 17th anniversary, in our 19th year together...I GOT what I wanted. I let the other stuff get in the way.

He did it again to me when he said he would decide whether or not to recommit to the marriage by 1/1/05...nearly three months away at the time. I relived all that anger, pain from rejection, worthlessness and feeling thrown away again. I couldn't seperate the two. I couldn't seperate the past from the present. The anger was at myself for again not enforcing a boundary...but wait...I wanted to save my marriage...that was what I wanted...and I got it. Not how I would have liked...well, thank you, D.

I am still learning how much of my own pain and my choice to hang onto and relive that pain, believing someone else is doing it to me...even when I KNOW better.

Needed you to help me see that today. One lesson. One day. Wow. Whoa. I hope you are helped, also, in the sharing.

LA

LA -

As promised...a word that continues to resonate is FAITH.

I must admit that after reading your last post, I'm very sad. Sad for not being able to see the vulnerability in my ex. Sad that I can't give him a hug. Sad that this relationship broke me open. Sad that he is no longer in my life. Sad that I question so many things that I thought I knew.

"You're not as trusting...do you mean in others or yourself?"

In myself. I don't trust myself to not get enmeshed in another's life and maintain my own.

Thank you for sharing part of your life with me, both your experience and time!

D...

I believe sadness is a healing emotion. You're experiencing mourning, the loss of expectations, wants and desires. If you are like me, what I feel responsible for causing is impossible for me to mourn. At the time, you might not have allowed the sadness to enter because of your choice to end the relationship.

Now you're letting it be felt and heard. Sadness holds truth and reality...it isn't unreasonable, like fear.

A part of the sadness that feels heavy instead of healing, is you believing you could have seen the vulnerability in your ex, that you should be able to give him a hug and that he is no longer in your life. You did the best you knew how with what you knew then...that is a human truth to embrace, understand. When you knew more, you did better.

Trust the knowledge you gained and are gaining, about yourself. Best part of growing is outgrowing the old things we were so sure of that kept us working in the dark and not understanding we were looking for a light, or there was a switch.

Good news on the trusting part...by not mourning, your self can't trust you to act on the information your feelings give you. If you choose to blame before understanding, well, that doesn't seem too safe or trustworthy, right?

Lovely part is that the more you strive to understand first, the more trusting you will be of yourself, in an entirely different way than you trusted yourself before, with what you thought you knew. Hey, you knew stuff...mostly stuff filtered into you, taught, taken and accepted, maybe so old you automatically reacted on it. This new stuff will be yours entirely. Conscious, careful, mindful choice.

Have faith in yourself and God. You will get there. You were designed by him for a purpose all your own, and this is your part. No recriminations, just lessons learned and learning. He's rejoicing you are to sadness, finally. That you will know he gave you that particular emotion as an aid, not a bane. Lean on him and break yourself open.

Questioning until you get a true answer is worth the effort. Stopping short because you believe you are weak to have so many questions this late is a judgment. Would you do that to others? Then please don't do this to yourself. And if you do it to others, uhm...stop!

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((((D))))

LA