Where to start but from the beginning. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and have two children (5 and 3 years old). We only knew each other for a short 6 months before we wed, but being in our late 30's we "assumed" that we knew what we wanted in a spouse (2nd marriage for me, 3rd for husband). Only 2 years into our marriage did I find out that my husband was having an affair. Naturally, I was devisated. My storybook marriage crumbled before me.

I confronted him and he promised to break it off because he loved me. We spent the next few months trying to restore our marriage ourselves (mistake #1). Four months later, his lover calls me to tell me that they were still seeing each other, and in fact, the relationship never ended. Why did she call me? Because they had just had a fight and the lover wanted me to know so that I would kick him out. I was crushed yet a 2nd time. My mind told me to make him leave, but my heart told me that if I did ask him to leave, he would never return (he's a very insecure person and does not take rejection very well). At this same time I found out that we were expecting our second child and being alone, and pregnant, wasn't something that I think I could endure. Months trudged on again, coasting, thinking things were better and we did seem to be getting along fairly well until I saw the signs again: late work nights, money missing from the checking account, doesn't answer cell phone, etc...so I went sleuthing and found a lease for an apartment that he was attempting to rent. Here I was, 4 months pregnant and a husband that was going to leave his pregnant wife and 1 year old. But I did a lot of soul searching and decided that there was probably nothing I could do to make him stay. He was on a mission and, painfully, I let him go. Ironically, he was only gone 3 days before I got a 1 a.m. call from the lover who, at that time, was physically throwing his belongings out onto her front yard. They had an arguement and she wanted me to know it. This will be the 2nd of many, many phone calls she would make to me. Most of the calls were painful as she explained to me their "plans" for the future (to be married on a beach), when he was still married to me! She would even explain their sexual encounters in detail. I do not know why I didn't hang up, but the courisity in me couldn't resist getting a first-hand account of their relationship.

At that point, my husband moved back home and we entered counseling, which only lasted a few sessions before my husband kept breaking every appointment. We just resumed our marriage and I tried to be the "good wife" and match his needs, but anyone reading this will know that it would be a short-lived venture. But, in fact, we had a period of 2 years without any incident. My husband swore his fidelity to me and did everything possible to build my trust in him. We were comfortable, and I put the past behind us, and more importantly, he had rebuilt my trust in him....

Then, 2 years almost to the day the affair finally ended I get a call from the lover stating that they had resumed their relationship, but it was only short-lived and my husband had ended it after only 3 "meetings". She was driven, once again, to inflict pain in me for no other reason then the fact that she hated me for "having" him. And once again, I accepted his apologies and his inability to refuse her advances. In fact, she even admitted that she promised him only sexual encounters without emotional attachments but was unable to hold up to her promise and had begun clinging to him again. Yes, he was stupid for accepting such an offer, but he did.

He pledged his faithfulness to me once again, and I guess you could say I was vunerable to believe him yet again, but this time it was him that called off the affair so I dubbed this affair as a "slip". Just a few days later we drove to New York City to celebrate our 6th anniversary and I felt like we were back on track.

Yet, in January, just 2 months after the last affair, I started seeing the signs again. Money missing from the account, late nights...the whole nine yards. When I confronted him, he denied anything was going on and he became defensive, accusing me of "always bringing up the past", which was a dead giveaway. So I began my sleuthing and found yet another application for an apartment. This time, he had marked the # of tennats on the form as "four" (him, our 2 children, and...?). My heart died at that point. I couldn't believe we were going through this all over again. All the way up to this point I asked him if was happy (almost daily), and I would get an enthusiastic "Yes!". He showered me with love, and affection, and support. How could he be straying yet again? Assuming it was the same lover, I asked him but his answer was yet another shock. He admitted that it was someone new, but that it was "over because she found out I was married". He is still making plans to move, but has agreed to counseling (for what, I am unsure). I walk on eggshells, not knowing what the future holds. Our appointment is in two days and I just don't know what will be discussed. He obviously will be moving and I have come to accept the fact that it may be the best thing at this time. But how can we work on reconciling if the lover is still in the picture? He says he will always take care of me, that we won't sell the house, that he will still stay active in our joint business (although he has an outside job). How can someone say they love you so much and yet go another path? It just doesn't make sense.

There is no doubt he has an addiction, but is he willing to kick it, or run? He tells me daily that he loves me, he hugs me, yet his kisses are mere pecks on the lips now (keeping his emotional distance from me). I know that lover #2 is still in the picture contrary to what he has said. I discovered that his cell phone has incoming/outgoing calls several times a day to the lover.

What should my next step be? I'm scared to death of losing him, but we can't repair our marriage if he's getting emotional needs from two women. I know he's miserable. The affairs are only a seeking of happiness, which rarely ever can be found that way.

xHale,

This is a marriage building site, and I am a very strong proponent of trying to save a marriage. You asked
Well, you don't have to fear losing him, you already have. You have been sharing him with various women for how many years out of the 6 you have been married? The data is clear you will lose nothing if he leaves. You asked what your next step should be, and my answer is see a lawyer to protect yourself and your children. This man is clearly addicted to sex and there is little you can do to change that. It is something HE has to do.

Finally, don't make a disrespectful judgement of him. You don't know he is miserable, you know YOU are miserable. He is doing just what he wants.

I would strongly urge you to seek legal counseling. I would strongly urge you to read the articles on this site. I would strongly urge you seek your happiness elsewhere.

I say these thing because the articles here will give you insight into the dynamics of this and IF by some strange chance your H seeks counseling, and really shows that he has changed NOT JUST SAYS IT, then perhaps you two can remarry. What you have not acknowledged but clearly the data shows is that he has NOT changed one bit throughout your marriage. He has no intention of being faithful and he has no idea how to change things EVEN IF he decided to become faithful. He has to seek and acquire that knowledge on his own, you cannot help him.

So do some reading, protect yourself and your children legally, and let this marriage go until and unless this man seeks and attends counseling and can demonstrate via his actions that he has learned something other than how to swindle you into believing that he is worth keeping. As it stands now, he is not. Further, he is a danger to you and your children because of STD's. Have you been tested? You should be.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

xHale,
I am soo sorry you are going through this. I just want to send you my support and understanding. My H is too going astray...but not really involving the relationships to my knowledge. Either way it is wrong, and I don't know how someone who loves you soo much can hurt you soo terribly. It's awful that you are going through this, especially with children. I wish only the best for you and your family. I can only tell you that my husband also seems to be addicted to this kind of behaviour, or like he says...trying to make something work that just shouldn't be.

Good luck. Everyone here seems to have great advise...I think you are at a great place with MB.