Nice to hear from you saenz! How are you doing?

--Sarah

Sounds good to me!

--Sarah

sarah,
your up early sorry to hear about the NY thing but on the other hand you can go w/ him then that experiance might X out the one you have in your mind but who knows.

cool to see your friends in town hope you guys have fun!!

take plenty of pics and post them everywhere thats what my W and her bunch did when they got together over the weekend when we all went to the beach.

I used to be a member a few years back and just had to re register to pipe into this thread. I've been in recovery for 3 years and I can tell you it took me two full years to feel normal again. Two years before I could go through a day without the A popping into my mind at least once. Two years before I could look at my husband sleeping peacefully and not want to slap him awake and scream at him "How could you do this to me?"

I'm not a totally religious person but a friend of mine who had been a BS as well sent me a prayer that became my mantra. I read it over and over again everytime I wanted to smack my husband. It seems silly something so simple helped me but it did. Here it is....

Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him.
Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him. Where he has erred, reveal it to him and convict his heart about it. Lead him through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness. where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us do so. If there is something I'm not seeing that is adding to the problem, reveal it to me and help me understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that need to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen. As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him because I feel it is justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation.

Dr. Bill told me it takes two years to feel OK and for the A and its area to not make BS's hurt. Two years from when the WS stops misbehaving - so you have along way to go. Even the girl with the prayer to ask God to make her "move on" and "be open to her husband" took two years, so Dr Bill really knows his stuff. I know of therapists who see people early in the morning, I guarantee court doesn't start at 6am and then your husband would be home. So stop putting it off and find a therapist. Making yourself feel better by getting help is not going to reward him - it is going to heal you and ease your pain. He can do and say as he wishes and will not be able to get going until he concentrates on how he has to change instead of how well he is doing. Once you can get this pain out and he works on him and leaves you alone - then you will be able to move into recovery. I see people on here a few months away from D day talking about being in recovery - that is wishful thinking, just don't happen that quickly. Nikko calls it triage time - agony time - keep the BS alive time. Dr Bill calls it time to take precautions of extraordinary care by the WS.

So stop dragging your heals and make an early morning appointment.

Linda

Miss Meow,

Thanks for re-registering to post here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />!

That two year thing seems to be what every BS says. That is a long, long time!

Thanks for your prayer. I printed it out.

--Sarah

Totally agree. He gets this. That is why he is going to IC, the pastor, and a men's group. He knows he needs to change, and I have noticed some changes too. I truly believe he is working on changing himself! It took him a while to get here, but he knows!



When I talk about being in recovery I mean I am in the process of recovery, not recovered yet. I realize I have a long way to go.



Got ya <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />! I will. I know I NEED to for myself!

--Sarah

just wanted to say hi, hi, hi, and hi, chin up i found what works for me is just let it go and begin to forgive but what do i know im a little crazy

well i'm having a wet day due to all the storms yeah 4 us in fl. rain rain rain rain rain, go away i need to move on satur-day!! im funny hey im here if you need to have someone to listen to you and if you need to email me just click on my name but like my closing says life is but a dream...

Thanks saenz,

I've been doing pretty well. I hear you about the rain. My BILs are there moving their stuff back here to PA. They are on the road today and I beleive the storm is following them....yuck!!!

I am glad it is this week. We will be going to Disney next week, can't wait!!! I hope the weather isn't too hot but I guess I will just be happy if it doesn't storm <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />!

Have a good time moving. Good luck!

--Sarah

Ok, I have a question. Everytime I mention the A to my H he wants to hang up on me. I feel it is just me venting. But he believes I should vent to someone else other than him. But I don't want to call my friends everytime I want to talk about the A and vent to them.

I'm sure H doesn't want to hear it, but too bad, so sad. That is the way I feel. He put me into this mess, now he has to deal with what comes along with it. JMO

Should I be able to vent to my H or is that wrong??

--Sarah

Hey there,

What do you mean by "want to talk about the A?" Can you be more specific? If you want to Love Bust him about the A then I'd encourage you to vent elsewhere, but if you are having sad feelings and need encouragement from him then you should be able to talk to him any time about that definitely.

I feel confident that if I needed to, today I could say to my H something triggered me and just brought back that yucky time to me and he would hug me and tell me he was sorry I was feeling bad and that he loves me.

That kind of "needing to talk about the A" builds the M connection IMO, but LBing to him about it when he is now maintaining NC, showing transparency, can't stand the OW, is remorseful and doing many tangible things to get to know himself better and change himself to be a better Husband/Dad/Person, LB questioning might not be a productive thing for you or for him.

So back to the question...What do you want to talk about regarding the A and what is your approach?

Hang in there, you are strong! I can't believe your disney trip is next week already! Time marches on, hang in there.
Michele

Michele



I mean pity myself to H and be frustrated about what happened and talk about how it doesn't make sense. I will admit, when my H judges me or hangs up on me, I do LB. I just want him to listen and support me and tell me what I am saying isn't true. I guess he can't do that and maybe that means I can't talk to him about it b/c it does lead to LBing, right?

I just hate when he hangs up on me!!! I said today, "Maybe I should go out and have sex with an ugly guy. How would you feel?" He took this as a direct hit. I meant it just to make him think about what I'm thinking. That is why I said, "How would you feel?" I wanted him to think about what I'm going through. Am I just not seeing that it is a LB? You can be honest with me.

I guess there are other ways to word it, huh, like, "It really hurts me that you had sex with an unattractive girl and it doesn't make any sense to me."

There I go answering my own questions again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />!

Am I right, I should change my phrasing? I'm sure nikko will put me in my place <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />!

--Sarah

You need to read SAA - it talks about this as do all the books. WS are supposed to plan A the BS through the "terrible days" which you are in. It also says the WS should expect the BS to do some LBs but they shouldn't be considered like the LBs he does to you - refusing to talk about the affair, refusing to allow you to ask any and all questions as long and as often as you need.

So I wouldn't worry about his nonsense - you are both early days and he is acting as if you are two years out. Ws always act this way - he is on schedule. It is up to you if you change your dialogue - I did a great plan a for two years and he was still an a** hole, so it is really about them - not us - they have had their fun and want it over. As if our pain should last as long as their sex act.

If they were sensitive to our pain and had a clue which way is up - then they wouldn't have had the A. So you can vent to me - any old time you want if you have filled up your friends. If you need to go over the A with him, tell him to stop LBing you and begin to really act as if he is making strides.

Acting a little better and running around to meetings is obviously not expanding his sensitivity to your terrible pain - jusyt helping him to act as if it is until he has to really show it. When it does you will settle down and the need to talk about it will subside.


You have the right to be upset = do not try to be on anyone elses timetable - they may be a long way ahead of you and trying to be them will set you back and cause to much emotional stress.

Email me if you want - take care LindaBB

Hey Sarah,

The way you stated your need to talk to your H about the A does not sound inappropriate...and yes you answered your own question about rephrasing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Also, the other thing is timing...it sounds so forced, but you need to set aside times to talk about your feelings about the A or anything else. My H and I sat down in the fam rm every night btwn 8-8:45pm to talk about anything I wanted. It was a safe and planned thing and so I really don't remember it ever turning ugly and fighting. Is this something you could try to come up with? And reminder: THIS IS NOT AN LB TIME OR A PLACE FOR AO! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It is a time to feel safe to talk out what is on your mind.

I hate to bring stuff over from the other thread and always try not to, but do you want to talk about what happened yesterday? What happened with your 8 year old? My heart hurts for those terrible moments and days you are still having and I, like silverpool keeps saying, want you to be able to release this angry cancer inside of you in a healthy way.

Why are you choosing to stay in this dark state, Sarah? I know the A was not your fault and you did not choose it or this ugly aftermath...but you can choose your actions now. Please, please, please, do not prevent yourself from getting the help you need because you want to rot in the ugliness of the A that you did not choose. That is giving the A power that it does not deserve! Please, honey, please start consistent counseling today...take a one week leave from work...you need this and it is worth it. It is not even about fixing the M at this point in time, it is about fixing you, wonderful you.

Yes, I am begging and pleading now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care of YOU, so that you can take care of your precious girls, and then your M.
Praying for you,
MIchele

Sarah,
I went to IC almost 3 month after DDay and did not think it was working. I took a break after 3 month and then switched to another doctor. The new one is very pro-active vs the first one who basically only listened. My point is I think it helps you to gain self respect and start feeling normal again when you getting help by a specialist. You don't feel like crazy kid like you do when you complain to your friends. I hope this will help. Now I did cried and screamed affront of my 3.5 year old and it was a terrible time for her also I am sure. I just hope she is little enough and will not remember. Don't blame yourself - it is close to impossible to control this feelings. Good luck.

Linda:


So true <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


Thanks for that. I might take you up on that offer. I do have friends that are willing to listen, it's just that I am not the type of person to turn to them in times of pain. I have always turned to my H and only my H. It is so hard to not be able to turn to him any longer. I don't know if you remember a post I wrote a while back, but I have major issues depending on anyone but myself. My philosophy is, "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself." I feel this way about my emotions too. I'm sure that is something the counselor can help me with.

The depending on nobody is a huge issue for me. The only person other than myself that I ever depended on was my H and I got burned big time, so me being the type of person that already has issues depending on anyone and then the only person I do depend on burns me, I'll probably never depend on anyone else again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

But I believe I would be able to e-mail you or vent on a post if need be. I will try it the next time and see how it goes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />!

Michele:


It is something we could try. My only problem is I never know when the pain is going to hit me hard and if I don't deal with it right away, I get angry.....not good!


Yes, what I did yesterday was not good and I admit to that. I got very angry and let my anger take over me. My DD (8 yo) was there and I was telling her how her daddy let her down and got into specifics about when WE took him to the airport to meet his g/f and how he called US while he was with his g/f, etc., etc. I also told my DD the OW's full name and the funny thing about that is that my DD said, "Ewww, that's an ugly name." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />! She was right, actually, it is a really ugly name. Her first name is Yuri, isn't that horrible? I couldn't even be attracted to a person with that name.

Sorry if I offended any Yuri's on this site but that is JMO and my DD's <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />!

But, anyway, my H was upset with me about it and I told him I was wrong for doing it. I apologized to my DD this morning. It was stupid of me, and I take responsibility for it. I don't want to do it again.

I know I need to fix me. My H was begging me yesterday to do this. I have to and I plan to go to IC as I said yesterday to Linda. I will go. We leave for Disney next week so I will wait till we get back. I hope this trip will help me de-stress as well.


maril:


Glad to hear I'm not the only one that's done this. My H made me feel like I was a loser and crazy and abnormal b/c I let my anger take over. I hope my DD won't remember either. I know she will remember about us arguing but I really don't think she has a clue what all that meant that I told her yesterday. She probably has it very distorted in her little mind. I hope she forgets it.

I read an article in Reader's Digest today (I know I am the only 28 yo to read Reader's Digest. People laugh at me all the time when they see me reading it:). It was about children that have been through divorce and their views on their parents and lives. It was sad to see how the divorced kids were affected. They even consider them "good" divorces as in the parents still get along for the children's sake.

It made me want to fight hard to keep our family together. I'm still here, I'm still trying, I'm still in pain, I'm still hoping thanks to all of you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

--Sarah

That's me too. He was my 'big brother' figure since I was 19. We only started dating 5 years later. He knew my soul inside out.


Normal!


I mentioned to my DD this witch 'OW name' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. It is actually kind of not cute in my language and I know my H did not like it. I think it made him feel embarassed. Also 'Yuri' is a male name in Russian <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I don't think our WH understand how we feel. They think it was just sex and it is not suppose to hurt. I asked my H how would he feel if I had 'just sex' with his own brother. At least he can imagine now. I think.

Have fun in Orlando.

What a coincidence, she looks like a man too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />! I am not even joking though. I found her on the internet and she looks like a man except for the fact she has big boobs!

I kind of figured it was a male name b/c I watch the show 24 and on there the Russian president's name was Yuri. I actually thought I was safe from the name and it wouldn't be a trigger too much since it is rare and then I watch 24 and there it is. Who would have thunk <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />?

There is also a movie out there with Nicholas Cage in it and the character in the movie's name is Yuri. My mom didn't know and gave it to me to see if I wanted to take it home to watch. I turned it over to read what it was about and saw the name Yuri in the first sentence. I was like, what are the chances???



Good example. Maybe I will use that one too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />! I always use one of his good friends that I had a crush on in high school. My H is so jealous of him to this day. He was in our wedding too, funny, huh??

--Sarah

sarah
hola looks like your in a good mood funny i asked my W the same question how she would feel if i had an A how she would feel! not an easy question to anwser i also asked her if she would of handled it the same way i did i told her she probly wouldnt of even though she is of a mild manner nature while im not i think she would explode not to mention i would not own anything that didnt have a hole in it now or burnt.

how long you guys going to be in fl i live like 30 min from disney and work an hr from there i'll be thinking of ya next week while i drive past. hope you guys have fun

OK - email me and let me give you my cell number - it is free for me to call you back evenings and weekends and I have loads of minutes I never use for the rest of the time - so if it hits you any time day or night, call me and I will call you back. I have a Helpline in my home and so am used to answering frantic calls any time day or night. It is my way of repaying God for my life, and I am trained in doing this so you will not wear me out.

Also I want you to see what I wrote to IASS about the kid thing - I tried to do this with my own kids - DS35 - DD37 - DD 39 - only the eldest understood - the others told me off, as his PA and underhand stuff had brainwashed them over the last 21 years. that is how long I have been dealing with his PA behaviour. Sorry about the thread Hijack - just a self disclosure to show you we all have the desire to do it. I am lucky - Not - that they are older and can only hurt me, not be hurt by their step father's action.

So here is what I posted to IASS through a post to KJ on his thread ....


Ok so email me so you have an outlet wherever you are, whenever it hits you.

Linda