I had originally posted this in the Infidelity section, but was guided to also post here. I apologize for the redundancy
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Where to start but from the beginning. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and have two children (5 and 3 years old). We only knew each other for a short 6 months before we wed, but being in our late 30's we "assumed" that we knew what we wanted in a spouse (2nd marriage for me, 3rd for husband). Only 2 years into our marriage did I find out that my husband was having an affair. Naturally, I was devistated. My storybook marriage crumbled before me.

I confronted him and he promised to break it off because he loved me. We spent the next few months trying to restore our marriage ourselves (mistake #1). Four months later, the OP calls me to tell me that they were still seeing each other, and in fact, the relationship never ended. Why did she call me? Because they had just had a fight and the OP wanted me to know so that I would kick him out. I was crushed yet a 2nd time. My mind told me to make him leave, but my heart told me that if I did ask him to leave, he would never return (he's a very insecure person and does not take rejection very well). At this same time I found out that we were expecting our second child and being alone, and pregnant, wasn't something that I think I could endure. Months trudged on again, coasting, thinking things were better and we did seem to be getting along fairly well until I saw the signs again: late work nights, money missing from the checking account, doesn't answer cell phone, etc...so I went sleuthing and found a lease for an apartment that he was attempting to rent. Here I was, 4 months pregnant and a husband that was going to leave his pregnant wife and 1 year old daughter. But I did a lot of soul searching and decided that there was probably nothing I could do to make him stay. He said he was getting the apartment because he wasn't happy in our home, but I later found out that it was only a cover to move into the OP's apartment. He was on a mission and, painfully, I let him go. Ironically, he was only gone 3 days before I got a 1 a.m. call from the OP who, at that time, was physically throwing his belongings out onto her front yard. They had an arguement and she wanted me to know it. This will be the 2nd of many, many phone calls she would make to me. Most of the calls were painful as she explained to me their "plans" for the future (to be married on a beach), when he was still married to me! She would even explain their sexual encounters in detail. I do not know why I didn't hang up, but the couriosity in me couldn't resist getting a first-hand account of their relationship.

At that point, my husband moved back home and we entered counseling, which only lasted a few sessions before my husband kept breaking every appointment. We had long-night discussions. Tearful and painful. I thought we had hashed through all the uglies and were ready to rebuild. I tried to be the "good wife" and match his needs, but anyone reading this will know that it would be a short-lived venture because we didn't finish the counseling. But, in fact, we had a period of 2 years without any incident. My husband swore his fidelity to me and did everything possible to rebuild trust. We were very much in love, and I put the past behind us, and more importantly, he had rebuilt my trust in him....

Then, 2 years almost to the day the affair ended I get a call from the OP stating that they had resumed their relationship, but it was only short-lived and my husband had ended it after only 3 "meetings". She was driven, once again, to inflict pain in me for no other reason then the fact that she hated me for "having" him. And once again, I accepted his apologies and his weakness to refuse her advances. In fact, she even admitted that she promised him only sexual encounters without emotional attachments, but was unable to hold up to her promise and had begun clinging to him again. Yes, he was stupid for accepting such an offer, but he did.

He pledged his faithfulness to me once again, and I guess you could say I was vunerable to believe him yet again, but this time it was him that called off the affair so I dubbed this affair as a "slip". Just a few days later we drove to New York City to celebrate our 6th anniversary and I felt like we were back on track.

Yet, in January, just 2 months after the last affair, I started seeing the signs again. Money missing from the account, late nights...the whole nine yards. When I confronted him, he denied anything was going on and he became defensive, accusing me of "always bringing up the past", which was a dead giveaway. So I began my sleuthing and found yet another application for an apartment. This time, he had marked the # of tennats on the form as "four" (him, our 2 children, and...?). My heart died at that point. I couldn't believe we were going through this all over again. All the way up to this point I asked him if was happy (almost daily), and I would get an enthusiastic "Yes!". He showered me with love, and affection, and support. How could he be straying yet again? Assuming it was the same lover, I asked him but his answer was yet another shock. He admitted that it was someone new, but that it was "over because she found out I was married". He is still making plans to move, but has agreed to counseling (for what, I am unsure). Regarding the counseling, he has commented that "we'll hope for the best, but expect the worst". I walk on eggshells, not knowing what the future holds. Our appointment is in two days and I'm just so worried. He obviously will be moving and I have come to accept the fact that it may be the best thing at this time. But how can we work on reconciling if the (2nd) OP is still in the picture? He says he will always take care of me, that insists that we won't sell the house, that he will still stay active in our joint business (although he has an outside job)...all good intentions but I'm a realist and know that these comments are only made to make himself feel good. How can someone say they love you so much and yet go another path? It just doesn't make sense.

There is no doubt he has an addiction, but is he willing to kick it, or run? He tells me daily that he loves me, he hugs me, yet his kisses are mere pecks on the lips now (keeping his emotional distance from me). I know that OP #2 is still in the picture contrary to what he has said. I discovered that his cell phone has incoming/outgoing calls several times a day to the OP. A little background about the OP is that she just left her husband, for my husband? I do not know.

What should my next step be? I'm scared to death of losing him, but we can't repair our marriage if he's getting emotional needs from two women. I know he's miserable. The affairs are only a seeking of happiness, which rarely ever can be found that way.

Most of your answers are in your post... you just don't want to see them and are hoping for a miracle.


You can't. Never will.




Of course he will. He probably assumes he can come back to you anytime and you will welcome him with open arms. You've been a safety net for him all this time and he doesn't want to lose you. If he does then that would mean he would actually have to make a REAL choice without a backup plan.

You need to start thinking of yourself and your children and what you all need and want. It sounds as though you have tried some Plan A with no success. Maybe it's time to consider Plan B and protect your children before it's too late.

If counseling isn't an option then you have little chance of rebuilding your M. Your past has already proven that. Also, it sounds as though you gave him the impression that you forgave him. You may not have said it, but in his eyes he might have thought so. Your example was your 6th anniversary trip just days after another D-day. A little early to assume things will be fine when you've been smacked in the hand so many times.

It's simple... he's an addict (as you stated) and he needs professional help. If he doesn't get it then you will just keep the cycle of affairs going.

Xhale,

""I'm scared to death of losing him,""

WHY!!!!

This guy has been playing for over 4 years, telling you the same tired words.

""He admitted that it was someone new, but that it was "over because she found out I was married".""

This is a HUGE red flag. The guy is out looking for it, lying to these women to obtain....what? Sexual meetings? Relationships? His needs met?

He has problems deeper than a MC or IC can fix.

Sounds like you have a spoiled baby boy on your hands that keeps telling his mother that he will behave...always with his fingers crossed behind his back.

I say cut your losses...IMHO.

k

"I say cut your losses...IMHO."

I appreciate the insight that has been provided. I may appear to be acting as a doormat, but there is much more at stake than my insecurities of being alone. I do love the man. I love the man that holds my hand everywhere we go. I love the man that opens my car door, that blows me kisses as he leaves for work, that reaches for me and hugs me for no particular reason. I love the man that loves our children and nutures them and provides for them. I love the man that supports my hopes and my dreams, and listens intently when I vent about a bad day. I love the man that makes me laugh, that spontaniously turns to me and tells me that I look beautiful even though I'm wearing an old t-shirt and jeans.

I am not, by any means, defending him or painting a picture of a perfect person. I am recognizing, through conversations with family and postings such as these, that he is in need of deep psychological help. I did fail to mention that he also has a deep, dark side. Ever since he returned from serving in Desert Storm, he has admitted that he goes into depression for no reason at all. And in brief regard of his childhood, he was born in a sanitarium as his mother was committed at the time. He was raised by multiple family members, passed around from household to household, deep in the foothills of poverty-ridden West Virginia. He never had the experience of growing up with two loving parents. He never saw examples of how a child should be loved by a mother and father, although his aunts and uncles did the best they could given the circumstances. As a child, he was also molested by a one these family members. He will not discuss the details as I see it pains him to do so. And if all these things weren't enough, he was the one who discovered his young 16 year old sister's body after committing suicide.

All these factors haunt him indirectly every day of his life. I don't need to be a counselor to know that he is running from his past, present, and his future. Commitment is not a word he understands, let alone knows how to apply (me being his 3rd marriage is a good example of that).

I didn't reveal all of this in my original posting as I felt it was too long-winded to begin with, but now I feel it is important to reveal. Again, I am not defending him, only trying to understand him, and hopefully be a door to his much-needed hope for a happier life.

I realize I need to look after myself and my children. It's very hard to make those commitments to oneself when you see your life folding around you. I feel helpless as I watch the man I love desolve in front of me.

I have no doubt he loves me, I believe he just doesnt' think he is deserving of love in return. Especially after the affairs. He once said to me, with tears in his eyes and an unstable voice, "I know I'm not a nice person". Barring the pain he has made me suffer, he is not a truly bad person. He is struggling with an addiction no different than that of an alcoholic or a drug user.

I may appear to konw all the answers as I write my thoughts here, but I really don't. I just know that to walk away from him is not what I am spiritually driven to do. I do believe I gave him the happiest days he's ever had in his life (as he has told me so), but he is running from the good because he doesn't believe he deserves it. Call it self-damnation. Call it what you want...I only know that this is in control by a higher power, and I leave it to Him to bring the peace into his heart.

Being that this is my first experience with this sort of thing, I was looking for guidance from those that have lived it, and survived it. Does it make me feel better to read the statistics that most affairs don't last? Yes, it does. Not because I will have an open door to my heart again. Yes, I did forgive him for his past sins against me and our marriage because I am a Christian first and foremost. I will always spread my love and forgiveness, and to truly love someone is to forgive them when they ask for it.

In many ways I am relieved that he is leaving. It will give me the peace in my heart and time to start thinking about me. I just don't know what the process should be. Could someone please link me to the Plan A and Plan B pages that I see discussed so often here? Maybe it will give me a better perspective of what I should do, because all I know is that like many people here, I want to do everything I can possibly do so that one day, as we sit together holding hands, aged and silver-haired, I will know it was worth it.

Thanks everyone...your insight is truly helpful.

...and I forgot to mention that we are not seeing a marriage counselor on Thursday, but a psychiatrist (MD). It is my hope that this doctor will be able to better evaluate my husband and prescribe anti-depressents, if need be. My husband has to fix himself first before we can even think about our marriage.

Xhale, Welcome to MB
I can mention a few things for you.
Please read Surviving the Affair by Dr. Harley and in the meantime read on the links for it and Plan B.
Second, Please tomorrow go out and find co dependant no more by Melody Beattie. You are caught up in his ILLNESS which sounds like a sexual one.
Third, What your WH has done is wrong! No matter how bad his childhood was it is no excuse for what he has done to you. It was HIS choice not yours.
I had a horrible childhood, with physical, emotional and sexual abuse and I did not cheat. However, he has issues. When sexually abused, control of others is common along with sexual promiscuity. If he has not healed and dealt with these issues then there is a big problem. This by no means justifies what he has done and is doing.
Last, Keep reading and posting. Lots of members here to help you begin to heal.
JE

I certainly hope these aren't examples of why he could be the way he is. If that's the case then I should be in prison or dead. I grew up with a street gang in Detroit and out of 40-or-so members I'm the ONLY one to go to college (got my masters) and have a professional career (I'm a counselor). The rest of the members are drug addicts, in serious trouble (and we though we had problems), prison, or dead.

If society and/or upbringing maps your future then what is my excuse? It's simple... I'm a person with a brain that made a choice to not be what the rest have chosen to be. None of my past excuses unjust or hurtful actions in the present. Does it make it right that if someone cuts me off then it's understandable why I pulled a gun out and shot him? No. I choose to follow the laws and bite my lip like anyone else would do.

Same thing applies to your husband. No one forced him to have multiple affairs and continue to lie to you and your family... that was his choice. He looked at his options and basically thought that the affairs were a good choice.

My FWW had a bad past also (incest from alcoholic father, mother who allowed it, abusive family, etc.). She tried, in the beginning, to use her past as an excuse for her actions. Yes, the past can mold us into who we become, but it does not dictate the choices we will make. It acts as guide and we need to use our past as our wisdom so that we can make the correct choices. My FWW, through IC, has learned that she made her choices because she WANTED to... not because she was confused and didn't know right from wrong.

Don't let your husbands past excuse his current behavior. Hopefully the meeting he has with the psychiatrist will help both of you and your children.

Good luck and keep us informed.

***Same thing applies to your husband. No one forced him to have multiple affairs and continue to lie to you and your family... that was his choice. He looked at his options and basically thought that the affairs were a good choice.***

So true! But it was I that related his awful childhood to his behavior today. My WS has never used his childhood as an excuse, and in fact, we can't even discuss his childhood because it pains him so. You are right...we still have brains and make our own choices. It just depends on if we are capable of making the right choices. I never said he used his poor upbringing as an excuse. I guess you could say I was making excuses for him and that it is me that is in denial. I'm still searching for the "whys" to his infidelities. I may never know the answer to that question.

xHale - Good luck with that one. In the beginning I refused to accept the answers for my FWW affair, but over time I eventually realized that I was looking for an answer that didn't exist. I hope you find the answer you are looking for, but be ready for a lot of soul searching between the both of you. There are some people here that are still looking or just aren't satisfied with the answers they were given.