Should I tell H that I have exposed at his workplace, or should I let him find out the hard way?

JJ

Let him find out the hard way, but make sure he DOES find out eventually.

Let him find out on his own. When he gets blind-sided his reaction will be genuine and unrehearsed. If you tell him in advance he could make up a story that would seem resonable to those around him and question you.

I'm of a slightly different opinion. I say tell him what you've done...with all of the focus on WHY you did it. Don't let him go through all the normal gyrations that a WS likes to try...blaming you, etc... Simply tell him exactly why you did it, and make sure he understands that there was nothing vindictive about it...it was done with the sole intent of saving your marriage.

I can see the risks of him trying to do damage control...but if you exposed the right way, by telling the people you exposed to why you're doing so, it should be worthless effort on his part. Exposure should ALWAYS be communicated to the appropriate people as a method of ending the affair and saving your marriage...always make it crystal clear to those people that the only reason you're going to them is for HELP...not because you're wanting revenge or retribution against anyone. Make sure that they get the message that you're doing it out of LOVE...and that should negate any damage control spin the aliens attempt to put on it.

Just my thoughts...I'm no expert here by any means.

Use the MarriageBuilder principles: Radical Honesty, Policy of Joint Agreement, etc. I probably would have told you to discuss with him exposure at work before you did it (but then do it even if you don't reach a POJA agreement)---but that's done now. As Owl mentions, you should be clear in your reason to do this---you want what's best for your husband, what's best for your marriage, and you're willing to fight for it. You're doing it out of love---even if your husband will be completely incapable of understanding that right now.

K,

I don't know why you would say that. Since when has exposure to end an affair been subject to POJA????? And why would you want to forwarn a WS about exposure so he/she can put spin on it?

The Policy of Radical Honesty and Joint Agreement don't apply when you are dealing with a wayward spouse in an affair.

I wouldn't warn him - as was suggested, if he knows ahead of time, he will come up with a story to make you look crazy.
he would go to his boss and say "my wife is going through a tough time right now. She has a lot of personal issues and suffers from depression. She has even accused me of having an A, which is crazy. I just wanted to warn you ahead of time, because she may even try to contact you"
also - he would make sure his email account was squeeky clean.

I know you are scared. Just hang tight.

As I recall, Mortarman also mentioned that your identity will be kept secret from him. he will know that a complaint was filed, but he won't know who did it. For all he knows someone else has caught on to what is going on, and reported it.

K my man, I gotta agree with bigK on this.

POJA will get it's turn.

Alien abductees can't wrap their minds around it.

Exposure cannot be undermined by WS preparation.

WAT

Are you worried he won;t knwo about exposure? ...I would not worry about it...he'll find out

Oh, ya, he'll find out all right.... lol

Thanks for the advise, everyone. It is interesting to see different viewpoints on this one. I have decided not to tell him, I think it would probably undermine everything I am trying to accomplish.