It's so strange to me. My FWW and I are doing great for two weeks. We are affectionate and having a good time. She hasn't had any contact since September.

Today during lunch she is happy and talking to me. Then I ask, 'so how do you think things are going with you and I?'. That's it. She gazes down at her food and turns into a 4 year old conversationalist, 'I don't know. . . good.'

I ask her if there are things that we need to work on or if she is enjoying the time we spend together lately. I know she does enjoy it, I see it. However, she just turns into this little pile of putty and can't talk. She looks totally bottled up.

I finally say, 'boy that really affects you to talk about us, eh?'. She just says 'yeah, I can't.'

This woman that used to crave relationship conversation and talk just shuts down now on those topics. This has to be some kind of defense mechanism. If I then try to get close to her and make her relax she insists on being alone and no touching of any kind.

This evening she'll be quiet and affected. Tomorrow she will be better, but still a little non affectionate. In a couple more days she'll be cuddly and loving once again.

Should I just lay off of the relationship conversation completely? After almost 6 months of NC and committment to our marriage I though we'd be able to talk by now. It's really frustrating.

Definitely no expert here, but this one seems not too complicated. Hmmmmnn....has she had any individual counseling?

I can only make an educated guess that your FWW is hiding something. That you don't have the complete story and to discuss it is to force her to lie to you again. She is perhaps choosing to recover in secret, too maintain the secret to her grave and continue on in recovery in spite of the lie. Her reaction is typical of dog training class. She shuts down and punishes you for bringing it up...as you "behave" for the next few days she slowly warms to you to avoid allowing you to bring it back up. Once she is comfortable again...all is normal.

If I am right (and I am not saying I am) then this wall to intimacy will forever remain until you do something drastic, snoop to discover the truth (maybe she'll discuss it on the phone with a friend in the know...especially after you, once again, apply pressure), or possible ACCEPT and ACKNOWLEDGE that you know she has a secret and you are no longer interested in it (i.e.-she can keep the secret). This last one is not for me nor will it likely work; but, maybe it will get her to stop withdrawing from you everytime you bring up your relationship.

My boundary last spring was I refused to remain in a loveless marriage. If after a predetermined time of Plan A'ing things did not change, I was prepared to go to Plan B. Fortunately, for me I never even got close to any deadline. We've recovered and my wife is an open book, again...God Bless her (and us).

Hope I am wrong.

Is it possible you don't know the whole truth????

Good Luck,
Mr. Wondering

i agree with Mr Wondering. 6 months is an awfully long time for this to last

Yeah, it's definately odd and not very inspiring when she reacts that way. She says she's committed to us and she'll never see the OM again, etc. But she just can't handle the conversation.

I see a similar response sometimes in SF with her. She'll be into the situation, but once in a while she'll get this uncomfortable feeling and she shuts down, can't get aroused again (that session). Other times it's great.

She is taking AD's, which she blames for the SF problems. She is a person with a family and personal history of depression. It's just tough when we can't even talk about this stuff.

Often the WS has problems talking about what happened due to their inability to face their own shame and guilt. To have to share it with the BS, to speak the words out loud, can seem impossible. This can be especially true when some of the positives feelings have returned to the relationship.

I don't know what words are best to use, but I would think addressing the issue of how in some ways it would be easier to not discuss the details, to just move on as if nothing happened...it's not good in the long run. That things need to come out in the open so you know what you're dealing with. Otherwise, the attempts to develop a new, healthier relationship aren't based on reality.

For me it's kind of like when you get a wound, don't clean it out, but it does start to scab over...giving the appearance of healing. At some point down the road the "stuff" left in the wound can fester, become infected, and end up creating an even greater wound...One that is now even more difficult to heal. Also, the aspect of the secrecy in an affair is often very wounding to the BS. It's knowing that the WS and the OP have shared something you have no access to. It can leave the BS wondering what, exactly, they're dealing with. Also, it's another way that your WS has betrayed the special intimacy you thought was reserved for your marriage...your relationship.

I'm sure that others on here can help you find some ways to approach these issues.

ADs can cause problems with SF, e.g., they can reduce sexual desire, and/or reduce one's ability to climax. There are ADs, however, that don't have this effect. (Wellbutrin is known to have less sexual side effects for many people). The doctor has to know, however, that there is a problem. Is your wife seeing a psychiatrist or a GP? Have they referred her for counseling? Studies indicate that the most effective treatment for depression, when a chemical component is involved, is a combination of medication and talk therapy.

Good for you for hanging in there and seeking answers as long as you have hope.

Hehe, good call tracionado. The reason I am frustrated with this, however, is that she is past the withdrawal stages. She's completely great with me, talkative and happy, as long as I don't 'go there'.

I think heartmending really hit it on the head. When I think back to our past, she was always extremely sensitive to arguments and bad moments. If we had an argument, she'd be affected for hours or even days. Sometimes she'd cry uncontrollably. I'd explain that it was a simple argument, but she would just get caught up in a temporary pit of sadness.

I did talk to her about it a bit more last night. I explained that every time I talked about us she seemed to close up, and it made me feel like she was hiding something. She says she's just afraid at this point. Telling me how she feels or getting her hopes up and then seeing me pull away from her would be too painful. So I guess this is her comfortable spot for the moment.

The fact that our child is also on a organ transplant list cannot help either.

She did try Wellbutrin before the Paxil she is currently on. She was much more sexual with me, but it did nothing for her depression. So we both agreed she should start the Paxil. We both knew it would affect sf.

Are you two in marriage counseling?

It sounds to me like she needs a forum where she can be 'open' with you and not be afraid.

My wife had to deal with something similar after her EA. Even after we began to reconcile, she felt like she was 'betraying OM' when she was with me, happy with us, etc...kind of a reverse guilt thing. She was over her withdrawl with him...but still felt as though she'd done something wrong to him as well as to me.

MC helped us deal with this by having a place where she felt safe to talk...she knew that our MC didn't 'judge', and so she could bring it up and he'd help us BOTH work through it.

Something to consider my friend.

Sundog,

Sounds familiar, my FWW has done the same thing and I've had the same nagging thoughts about whether there are things going on behind the scenes as before.

Hopefully and perhaps more likely is the timing of the questions. I know mine isn't always the best. I also think, if a WS is past withdrawal and well into recovery, like they claim, then they just want to move on. It certainly seems harder for the BS to just move on but that's what the MCs keep advising, to re-route the past negative way of thinking about what the WS had done.

Even so, I don't like the shut down button either. Gotta get one of those big red "easy" buttons advertised on TV.

V/r, No Way

Not all MCs recommend just moving on. There are some who believe that it is important for the WS to provide as many details and "answers" as the BS wants. Some BSs want few details. Others want as many as possible, shared more than one time. I agree that an objective MC could be a big help in creating a safe space to work in.

No doubt if you and your W are facing having a child on an organ donor list, you are facing potential "loss". When this happens anything that resembles possible loss in the slightest can trigger big reactions. Since your W has exhibitted this tendency in the past, no doubt it has intensified in the current circumstances.

I take a combination of Wellbutrin and another AD. They affect different brain receptor sites. I'm certainly no doctor. But I've been through the "garden" of ADs, singularly, and in various combinations.

Blessings on you and your wife....and your child on the donor list...

Another aspect you might consider is some training in compassion. Dr. Steven Stosny is the expert in that stuff, and specificially in handling shame, resentment, anger, and abuse. I'm not allowed to point you to web sites, but I'm sure that a trip to Amazon.com or Google would be useful in digging up resources.