I was wondering if WH ever just wake up and realize what they are missing?

My husband and I are in the final stage of our D and now he has decided that he wants this to work. I told him the only way would work on it is to go to counselling, did not want to at first, but I think he is making an appointment - not sure, but he called me about who I was seeing.

He is still talking to the OW though. I explained to him this morning that I wanted more than a physical relationship with him I also wanted the emotional side. I feel that she has gotten that for over a year and I have gotten the he was home and that was all. Not sure if I am finally getting through or not.

Just so hard because I have so much at stake - financially and emotionally and trying to figure out if it is worth the risk. Figure if he wants this to work he will do anything - maybe? Even if that means he will need to pay me more money so I can continue living where I am.

Thanks for listening...

Lots of them do wake up. It happens over and over. But if he is still in contact with the OW, it won't work.

I know about the OW being it the picture that is one of my biggest problemd.

He has just said well why should I give up a friend if you do not want me. He will not cut it off with her until he knows it is going to work with me.

To be honest I really do not know what has transpired between the two of them other than they have talked on the phone a ton, he has spent sometime at her home and they work together (or did). He swears they never had a physical relationship - I asked because I wanted to be protected from any diseases, etc. He has also been out of our home for the past year so at any time they could have started a relationship or something and that has never happened. But I know he was with her emotionally and talked to her and all instead of me. That is what hurts. I know he tried to have something with her sent her flowers and gifts, but somehow it never got physical - of course everyone is telling me I am buring my head in the sand on that one.

Thanks for you input.

Does he only want it to work now because he has seen the bill?

Perhaps you should divorce and then let him date you and move on from there.

If he has been away from home for 1 year and in a relationship with OW, it just simply isn't possible they weren't having sex. Don't kid yourself

My husband insisted he wasn't having an affair. I drove myself CRAZY trying to prove it. I finally caught them IN BED together. He still insisted nothing happened. He has been living with her for 3 years, but says they are NOT living together.

No one gets a divorce over a "friend". Let your husband know that three is too many in a marriage. Talk to him calmly and SMILE.

But at any rate, the affair always ends, and then he will be back, wanting a marriage again.

I heard the same thing. It must be part of the script that is talked about here. CRAZY how it sounds verbatum. CRAZY!!!

I told him I was not the concelation (sp?) prize. For me, it is a matter of only wanting him back IF he is willing to meet the conditions I need personally for recovery. And part of what I needed was him coming back because he wanted to--not because there was no where else, not IF it was gonna work--but BECAUSE he was committed to make it work.

Same thing with OW. I want him to leave her because it is the right thing to do. Because he knows it hurts me.

His comment to you does not show commitment.

And I know I need that commitment for my own ability to recover from this.

And remember--a Divorce really isn't the end. That is what I am holding onto now.

Yep, intexas, right out of the WS script book. Mine wanted to come back 2 Christmas' ago, and said he would end it with the OW AFTER I let him move back in.

Yes sometimes they just wake up.

However, what you are describing is not waking up. What you are descibing is more alient fog talk from a WS. When my husband 'woke up' it was the night before our first court date - the OW was already gone, and he was ready to write a NC letter.

In other words, he is not interested in reconciliation with you, only in keeping his options open in case the OW doesn't work out. If I were you, I would move forward with the divorce and tell him you are not interested unless he dumps the OW. That is the only way your marriage can work. She has to be gone.

And BrambleRose is right, he has NOT woken up. He just wants to keep you around in case his affair doesn't pan out.

Deanne... next time you talk to him, say something this:

"I can't imagine it could possibly be comfortable to have that huge fencepost so firmly crammed up your butt. Doesn't that hurt like he!! ?"

Sorry... couldn't resist. Seriously, PA or no PA (and IMHO, the latter is highly unlikely), OW's gotta be gone.

**snort** <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

deannek.........

What your WH is saying is scripted right from the "Infidelity Handbook".

My WH is saying the same thing EXACTLY. I'm going for a D now, and he keeps telling me how much he loves me, and that he will do ANYTHING to make it work. But why should he stop seeing OW when I won't have anything to do with him?

Unfortunately, I've let him ply me with his lies, tried to believe him, and been gravely disappointed too many times in these past 2 years. I no longer care for the man.

His fog is so deep, it covers his soul.

Yes, sometimes the WS does just wake up. Yours is still in his dream sleep - where sitting on a fence and eating cake is the RIGHT thing to do.

If he is awake, he will go to counseling, OW will be gone, and he will "lay his heart at your feet". There will be no mistaking his SINCERE efforts. And you will never have to ask him to do any of it.

UnMoved (K72172)

Yes, WS's can and usually do have a change of heart. The question that I have in this case is why now? Is he truly repentent? Willing to agree to all conditions that you set for a possible reconsilliation? I don't get that impression, especially if he still wants the OW as "a friend".

I posted this to you on another of your threads. It still seems very pertenant.

I'm sorry to say this, but if WH woun't let go of the OW you may as well go through with the D.

As long as WH is in contact with OW you stand virtually no chance at recovery. He has to WANT to break it off with OW and recommit to YOU. If OW breaks it off with him and he comes running to you, you woun't want him back in that state. You are NOT a "consulation prize" if things don't work out with OW.

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I am just so tired of the back and forth and his really needs to make a choice. I am just getting to the point I am almost ready to move on with my life without him.


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WH's continued relationship with OW IS a choice. I think you'll be better yourself once you can remove the drama of this from your life.



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I think he feels he can come back whenever he wants and I will take him back.


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You need to let him know that once this D is final that you may decide that you are better off without him. Sometimes a little reality will blow a lot of the fog away!



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Will he ever realize what he is missing or do some not figure it out till it is really over?


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It seems to be the nature of some people to not realize what they have until it is too late.

If you can, keep a little ember for your H (not WH)alive. After the D is finalized he may realize what he has done and become repentent.

Then you can date him again. Make him work to regain what he threw away earlier. There are cases on the board of others whom have gone through the big "D" and reconsiled later and remarried.

Stay Strong!

Hi, I am fairly new here, have been reading ALOT, but I am in the exact same situation.

My DDay was in Oct, NC letter written in Nov, and I thought no contact since then. 4 months later and I catch him in a lie, he's still been talking to her. He doesn't want a divorce, but he **can't** stop. I have two little girls and I ** can't** deal with it anymore.

I called to make an appointment with a lawyer yesterday.

TS
BS-me (32)
WH (32)
together 13 years
married 8 years
dd 4 dd almost 2
affair 09/05-present
DDay Oct 2,2005, NC letter sent Nov 24, 2005

Mine just keeps wavering back and forth. We are talking normal and all, no major fights.

I think that he is just talking to the OW on the phone no real physical contact because she lives far away and I know he has been around my area.

The only thing that confuses mr about the entire situation is that we have been separated for the past year and they have had ample opportunity to do something and nothing has come of it except for a couple dinners - no real time spent together. Does this mean she is not really interested because I honestly believe that she could have him if she wanted?

This statement is one that repeats itself over and over on this message board, as well as on MB. I'm just wondering, are there concrete statistics to this fact?

My WH is in an affair and wants to end our marriage, but he tells me he still loves me. He is blaming me for the affair (typical). He is obviously confused and his brain is mush. I'm just waiting for WHs and OWs first fight...and I bet fights happen much more frequently in an affair than a conventional relationship.

But, back to the original question, so many keep stating that affairs usually end without a divorce with the BS. Again, is there statitics proving this? Just curious

I need to print this out and tape it on my mirror where I will see it every morning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Every time my WH shows any signs of actually being a human being, I start getting all hopeful and stuff. I need to keep in mind that it's not real until it comes from HIM, and I'm not dragging it out of him.