My wife and I have been separated for a year. She's been living, with our three sons,in Missouri to be near her mom.I am stationed in California. We separated due to her multiple affairs while I was deployed and the two months I was home. She refused to give me a divorce last year because she believed in us. I just wanted to trust her again.I just wanted to have her cut off her relationship with the guys she had affairs with. I also wanted her to achieve the goals she set for herself. One was to finish school, which she did. She even graduated with her mother. The next was for her to start police academy, she was supposed to start in last October. She couldn't due to money. I wanted her to move back out here so that we can work together to rebuild our family. She again refused because of the police academy classes starting January. Now she is insisting on a divorce, and pushing for one right away. I accused her of meeting someone new. She finally fessed up. It is a friend she "likes". That was Friday March 3, it's now Tuesday March 7 and according to her, it's a lot more than that. She now says she's ready to give the guy a house key and that the guy is ready to fill my shoes as a father figure. Anyone can imagine how I feel, hurt , betrayed and even more. I just dont know what to do. I will be visiting for leave in a few weeks.How should I handle this situation. My heart is again broken, and I just cant stand another guy standing in where I belong. I feel that she is getting taken advantage of due to my service in the military and the absence of me. She has recently been diagnosed as depressed by her therapist. I just think she's crazy for not "working on herself" .Isn't it a bad idea for her to start a new relationship? I'm not ready to close the door on this marraige. What should I do?There are more details, let me know if you have any questions. This gets complicated, very complicated.

Me: 30
Wife: 24
Sons: 4, 3, 6 months
married 4 years, separated 1 year.

I'd post this over on GQII bored. Think you will get a lot of helpful advice over there.

Women can't be faithful when men are home with them, what did you expect while you're in the military? For her not to sleep around? Not in this lifetime. Loyalty is gone with the wind.

Thanks, Rick...you tend to spread doom and gloom with every DJing post.

I'm the mother of a son in the military...who is married. Very difficult, Arch...but as you can see in the Infidelity forum, it hits marriages at a rate of 60% or higher, military and non.

Your WW has a problem with herself. You are not the cause, control or cure for her. She believes that infidelity is what she needs, how she gets by...Plan A is the best thing for you, and very difficult given the distance between you.

Why are the children with her and not you? Can that be arranged? California has an academy...was that not considered?

She has been in IC...has she gotten to her whys for choosing to be unfaithful...the payoff and the downside? She won't stop until she understands the devastation, her power, and where her choices come from.

Is it a bad idea to have her attempting to line up her next guy while still married? Believing that her problem is you and replacing you is the answer? Of course that's self-destructive behavior. You know that about her. You have some of it in yourself. Know what you know, Arch. Your beliefs, feelings and thoughts are valid. They are yours.

Also find out if you believe the same thing...and where the logic fails. See, God made us unique, with purpose, complete and whole. All of us. What we learn from our relationships is critical to our purpose. By believing she can replace problem, she will continually be perplexed when she ends up having the same problems after having replaced the person. I don't want you to have to wait that long.

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She already knows all of this, btw. She doesn't trust herself to know. Hurts. Avoid pain. That's what gets you wayward to begin with.

On your leave, you could Plan A the heck out of her...have you read about the Lovebank, Lovebusters and ENs in the articles here? Do you know what your part was in the marriage?

Serial cheaters aren't incurable...I'm one...please have hope. Focus instead on yourself, your part, understand the dynamics behind your payoff staying with a repeat WW, and change.

Do an Emotional Needs questionnaire on your wife and when you arrive for leave, focus on what you believe you know about her. See if she'll fill one out...same on the Lovebusters questionnaires. Take a copy of His Needs, Her Needs with you on the plane and be seen reading it around the house. Get to know what a great relationship looks like, for your future and your present.

Glad you're here and

If you consider that our divorce rate in general is 50%, no wonder the odds are higher when in a separated, military situation.

I'm a social worker. I received a copy of our quarterly national newspaper today. It talked about the need for more social workers to be specifically trained to counsel military families. The need is being recognized. Unfortunately adequate supports are not in place. It's sad that those who are following orders, making sacrifices for the freedom of all, are making even greater sacrifices in marriage and family relationships.

Hi Arch,
Plan A is your best chance in my opinion. Can you get her to fill out an emotional needs questionaire?

As you know,staying married is the best thing for your children.

You have recieved alot of good advice here.

I would add to read Dr. Harley's book Buyers,Renters and Freeloaders. It was the most enlightening book to me. I learned how my expectations were ruining my marriage.

Can you get your children (and wife)to move near your station? If she will not go can you have your children there?

What is the possabilty that you can expose this affair to the OM's family while you are there?

God has commanded the husband to love his wife and you are honoring God by doing so.

Please continue to post.

with love and prayer,
VTY