A few months ago i was informed by my husband that he had 4 affais over the course of our 16 year marriage, I found about one after the OW called my office to inform me that she slept with my husband, I confronted him about it he admitted to the affair and to be honest i should have ended the marriage then, But i decided to stay. A couple of years later I got another call but he sweared that it was nothing to it and it was a lie...I still stayed...well a couple of months ago he admitted to everything, he said that he was tired of living with the guilt. we started counseling the counslors believe that it has a lot to do with the way he was raised his dad was awful to his mother..they divorced and he was raised by his father with no contact with his mother...but that is not important, I really don't know if i am going to stay in this marriage, through the counseling I have learned that I have to live my life for me and that it what i am going to do..he is not liking the new foot loose and fancy free me he is used to the wife that that goes to work and not much else...but that person no longer exist..I really think the only reason that I am still in this marriage is for financial reasons... I will keep you posted....

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I see a lot of hope for recovery for your marriage, because your husband was finally honest with you. That doesn't happen too often.

The counselors are right in that this is all about how he was raised. It probably had nothing to do with you.

I would continue the counseling. Let your husband know that you no longer plan on settling for the old marriage.

Abbi,

Welcome here, you will get lots of help here I'm sure.

I was/am in the same boat as you. About 1 1/2 years into our marriage we separated, reasons I don't know, we had problems but even people from church who talked to my wife said they couldn't see a reason for her to move out. The way I saw it, our problems could be fixed. Our separation lasted 1 month.

Bit over a year later, she was still in the fog and one night admitted she had been with 4 men during that time, that was like a sledge hammer to my chest. That night yet she told me she didn't want to lie to me anymore. This past January, she came to me one night and admitted to there being 7, not 4. I believe that took incredible courage and give her credit for that but why after so long.

Anyways we are now in counselling with our pastor and he strongly believes that all that was a result of her home life and had next to nothing to do with me, although she doesn't totally agree. In her home life, she was verbally and physically abused by her dad and her mom did nothing about it. He has also done things to her female cousins and says she absolutely hates him.

Since she coulld do nothing to her dad to make her feel she got justice for what he did, she took it out on the next closest man in her life, ME.

I have also wondered why I'm still in this marriage but haven't been able to leave, feels like there's something inside that doesn't want to let me leave.

Hang in there Abbi, it took a lot for your H to come clean with it all and if you are both willing to work at it, your marriage will be better than before but DO NOT try to fix the problems yourself. Listen to your counselor, listen to your heart (although it's broken) and listen to God.

From personal experience, I believe I'm here because I listened to my heart, if I had listened to my brain, I know I would have done some very stupid things and I'm sure I would be in jail now.


Stay strong,

Every marriage is worth saving.

I am trying to stay strong, i feel so disrespected and betrayed. I 've told him that if I could make myself hate him it would be so easy to leave. I so want my marriage to last but I do not know where to pick up and go on.

I am trying to give him credit for telling me, but that some how does not seem important. I can not get the thought of him having sex with other women, it is a horrible thing to try to deal with.

16 years is a long time and that is another thing that I take in consideration..

I will continue to fight....

Thanks for your help!!!!!

Abbi,

You can survive this. Read the FAQ's on this site - Dr Karleys Basic Concepts and the Infidelity FAQ's linked in my signature. Also purchase "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" also from this site.

You can make it through this.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

I really appreciate all the advice, but I am trying to sort through all my emotions. I am just soo confused. he want to make love like there is nothing wrong. I have zero desire for him and it relly shows. we are just existing in our home....Thanks everyone for your support..

He needs to be tested for STD's and so should you, before the sex begins. You can't even trust that he used protection. Then the SF needs to start.

Just existing in your home isn't the answer. You need to work together to make a wonderful new marriage. Read the emotional needs questionnaire together, and see if you can both start meeting each other's needs.

He was tested and everything was negative, he did not use protection, because I asked him, that is another thing that I can not forgive him for, he had nor regards for my life. I have been faithful to him every since we started dating..He is the only man that I have had sex with. How can he expect me to act as if nothing had happened. The whole thing makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

Abbi,

Hang in there, I know it's tough.

My W did the same thing, wanted me to pretend that nothing ever happened. She has also been the only person I have ever had sex with and all this makes me wonder sometimes why I bothered saving myself.

The problem with WS's is that they don't give a crap about anyone who actually cares/loves them. The "Destroyer" is the only thing imortant to them.

Honestly I don't see how people can be so selfish. After my wife's A's. I started talking to a lady at work (email/MSN) we told each other about our problems and encouraged each other. It started getting personal and got to the point where all I had to do was say yes and an A would have started. I'm 26, she is 37.

Guess what, although emotions were stirred up, "I SAID NO" and it wasn't hard. Even though a revenge A had entered my mind a few times I thought about what kind of pain my W put me through, and couldn't see my self do that to her.

It is very hard to accept the fact that you mean so little to them and they're willing to risk your health for 5 minutes of action.

Abbi, I know exactly how you feel, hang in there and try to talk to a counselor. The pain will eventually go away but he needs to show you that he is sorry and that he wants to make your marriage work. Him wanting you to pretend nothing ever happened is a major LB, believe me.