Well, this is my first posting. I've been married a long time - almost 20 years, and actually, we've been able to successfully work out a lot of the common conflicts couples have, such as finances and division of household chores (the advice given on this site is good in that area -- we actually figured it out on our own a while back and it's worked out well).

Our current on-going conflict is that my husband seems to believe he is entitled to be rude whenever he feels like it (which is especially embarrassing when he's rude with my mother or with guests in the house). When I point out how distressing this is to me, he rationalizes his behavior and/or accuses me of being overly sensitive, and seeing "rudeness" in ordinary behavior.

Let me give you two cases in point:

1) We were planning our oldest son's graduation party, and wanted to invite my husband's parents, who live about an hour and a half away. My own mother said they were welcome to spend the night after the party at her condo, as she has an extra bedroom, and the party was going to be held in the condo clubhouse. When my husband called his parents to extend this invitation, they mentioned their dog (who's large & unruly). Without asking my mother, my husband told them they could bring the dog. Overhearing this conversation, my Mom and I said, no, they couldn't bring the dog because the condo rules didn't permit dogs and my mother didn't want the dog in the house anyway (she has a cat, white carpet, etc.). To which my husband responded to my mother, "You just don't want my parents at the party!" Of course, this hurt my mother's feelings (and mortified me) because she had so graciously invited them in the first place (just not the dog).

2) Yesterday evening, I was washing dishes, while my husband was lying on the couch watching a DVD while keeping an eye on our youngest son who was playing on the living room floor (this son is physically and mentally disabled). Two former students dropped in for a visit. They were two girls that we were both close to, and I was happy to see them, especially as I hadn't seen the one girl since she graduated. Apparently, my husband was a bit miffed because their visit interrupted his viewing of a taped TV sitcom (which he'd seen before). He got up and huffed out of the living room and into the bedroom. A few minutes later, he came back into the living room and snatched up our son, who was playing happily on the floor with our visitors, and carried him off to the bedroom, where he dressed him for bed (even though it was only 8 and his usual bedtime is 9). He then put our son into bed, muttering loudly, so he could be heard in the living room by our guests, that he had been taking care of him all evening and he was sick of it. My husband then came into the living room and began throwing toys and books (that were scattered around the living room where our son had been playing with them) across the room into the toy box -- making a loud racket. Once again I was mortified, and the two girls were also embarrassed, and quickly excused themselves and left.

After the visitors left, I told my husband I would rather he not create scenes when we have guests, and that his actions were embarrassing to me, and showed a marked lack of hospitality to our visitors. He didn't seem to think that anything he had said or done was rude, and that I'm the one being too sensitive!

This is an on-going problem that seems to be getting worse with time. How can this conflict be resolved?

Welcome, NW (I abbreviate like the government) to MB and your first post. Seems obvious from your post that you've read a lot on this website.

I want to answer you by saying you are both right...you are judging him rude and he doesn't feel himself being rude. Why you are judging him rude is your own business...set of beliefs.

I believe he isn't being rude. His response to the dog situation (and it was only your mother's place to say no, btw), was telling you your motive. That's disrespectful. He is assuming and that's toxic as you know.

Your mother's feelings were hurt because she believed your H. She put herself in his eyes and believed she didn't want them to come. Not her truth, but his. He didn't hurt her feelings...she did. I would have laughed.

"You are saying that you believe I don't want your parents to attend their grandson's graduation because my place doesn't allow dogs? I don't want their dog to attend our grandson's graduation, you're right."

I'm sure you noted that your H's response to the dog issue was childish. Your son's could have said it when they were four. Children make a lot of assumptions. I am not disrespecting your H here...his inner child is making his choices for his behavior, which comes out even moreso in your second incident.

You have more here than rude behavior or disrespect. Have you read the symptoms on midlife crisis (MLC)?

I see the biggest Lovebuster (LB) being that he discounts and defines your emotions and beliefs. You state your feelings and he tells you they aren't valid. They're yours. They are valid.

I see you doubt yourself here, by posting this (and I'm really glad you are)...can you tell me how long he's been defining you and telling you that your beliefs, thoughts and feelings aren't what they should be?

I love that you checked yourself here. Whatever drove you to it seems to be an honest request for help. Also a sign being in the situation makes it difficult to know what crazy doesn't look like, is that correct?

Read Love Busters thoroughly and understand where DJs (disrespectful judgments) are more than what you allow yourself to do...but be done to you, as well as doing them to yourself.

This is important and requires help. Not just for your H. You need to own that your H can embarrass you...that's yours, not his. That you hold him to your standards of conduct, and you gave him the message it would have been all right to behave that way in front of you and your children.

Same for speaking for your mother (her invitation)...

I am not pointing blame. There is no blame in marriage. If you have no part, you have no power. I want you to understand your part and know your power.

He has his own.

LA

Has he always been this rude or is this a relatively new development?

My husband and I have been married for over 22 years, the last time he and I had a fight concerning his raging outburst of verbal abuse, we went to counciling and and 2 months later he started an affair, that has just within the past l month ended. I only wish I could talk to OW, and she knew what he was really like. They were in love, for a while, yet, his temper with me was there, at times, still there at times. All I can say is good luck. I have been hurt so bad in past few months, can not give you a good
answer. I wish you the best. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

In answer to two of the posters above, I would say that this is something that has been developing over the years we've been married. One of the things that I really liked about him when we were dating is that he was easy-going, diplomatic, and polite -- even when others were rude to him. Since that time, he seems to have developed an immense amount of anger that's just lurking there under the surface and erupts at the slightest provocation -- (and the provocation usually isn't me -- it's generally just everyday life frustrations that most people just deal with). I think some of it is due to feelings of inadequacy -- I have been more successful in my career, and have received some public accolades; whereas, he has been asked to leave several jobs over the years (due to lack of initiative, poor communication with colleagues, etc.) I became more accutely aware of our relationship issues about 6 years ago when we both began working together with a team of 2 other partners. At that point, what had been my "private" embarrassment became public -- especially when the others commented on his behavior. At that point in time we went to a counselor. When the counselor asked each of us about our satisfaction in the marriage (on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being highest), my husband replied 7 or 8, and I replied 4. After some more probing, the counselor decided to meet with just my husband. Well, he went to one more session, and then he didn't go anymore, because the counselor told him he needed to deal with anger issues, and he didn't want to hear that (apparently the counselor's opinions weren't valid either).


Currently, my husband and I have been separated for about a month -- he's on the other side of the world due to a family emergency. I and the children will be rejoining him in about a week and a half. I dread it. I hate to say it, but I haven't missed him at all. I've enjoyed the respite from the anger, the moodiness, the slights, the rudeness. So have the kids. We've had lots of friends over, and don't have to always be waiting for the ball to drop. We haven't had to be walking on tiptoe, worrying about pushing him over the edge.

In fact, this unexpected separation has made me think a lot more about this marriage. Quite frankly, I like being separated. I don't necessarily want a divorce, but I really don't want to live with him anymore. I feel horrible for feeling this way, but there it is.

If he were to begin working, and dealing, with his anger issues would you still feel this way? Or, would you give him another chance??

Of course I would give him another chance. I've invested 20 years in this marriage, we have 3 beautiful children, and we do share the same goals, etc. A lot of people depend on us.

However, he will say he will work on things, but he never sustains it. He's gone to counselors 2 or 3 times, but he doesn't keep going. He hates being confronted, and that's what counseling does. He likes to be able to rationalize all his behavior -- "I could be worse" -- and a counselor won't let him get by with that.

I got an email today that just made me cringe once again. His father is recovering from a stroke, and they're having trouble with the physical therapist -- so he told me he was going to go talk with her and "get ugly." Believe me, he can certainly do this -- he has insulted my (disabled) son's physician, and thinks he knows more than the doctor. I refuse to take him with me to the pediatrician anymore. A couple weeks ago he sent an email saying he was going to "make life miserable" for MY employer because my boss didn't agree to do something my husband wanted.

I'm thinking perhaps requiring us to go to counseling, and, if he refuses, then separating.

Nabal,

I see you responded to people who sympathized with you, but skipped LA's post to you.

You can't control your husband...you can't change him. It would do you some good to read and re-read LA"s post to you and take it to heart.

You can make changes in your marriage by changing you...and accepting he is who he is.

The resentment I hear from you is not healthy...and I do hear alot of blame on him...blame doesn't solve things...he has his responsibility in things - but you can't point it out or force him to take it.

In saying this, I am not saying you have no point - your points are very valid, but I fully expect if we talked to your husband, his points would be valid too - perspectives are a very tricky thing...so why devalue him? Why not search for a real solution here.

Try out LA's perspective and you may find pleasant changes...

I feel as though I relate to your feelings you harbor with your husband and his verbal abuse. A couple of months ago my husband went to the deer lease and was gone 3 days. I didn't fear making him mad, I didn't have to pick up after him, and I missed him. When he got back I felt love towards him. Two days later, he was in a bad mood and went into a raging fit and I wondered when he'd go to the lease again. It feels terrible to like being apart from your spouse. I honetly feel I would have divorced my husband if we didn't have kids. My thought on that is that every marriage needs a reason to keep going, my kids are mine. There are good things about my husband...so I rationalize that dealing with the bad are payment for giving my children happiness.