hurtinginokla,
I think shared history in a long-termed marriage does make a great difference compairing to short marriages.
If I wouldn't of had a 25 year relationship to look back at, I wouldn't of had anything to "hold on to" when I discovered my husbands affair.
We had so shared memories and so many positive things to look back at and this gave me "hope & strength".
In an affair the affairees seem to "wipe away" these memories. As Orchid wrote: No one in an affair says that they had a great marriage and therefore they decided to have an affair.
The "Chemicals of Love" are on the go when either affairees and lovers are in the beginning stage.
It's a matter of time when this stage moves on into the "Reality" stage.
From reading the statistics of affairs, I'm aware that affairs hardly ever have a happy end.
I can imagine why............reality moves in and all of a sudden the affairees see each other with all the mistakes and personal flaws. The fantasy crumbles.
This is where I'd say that the WS begins to "miss" his long-termed marriage. This is where the shared history that they had with their BS's will pop into their minds.
When they look back to their affair partner, there isn't this kind of "shared history". They might of had good times but it was "NEVER" based on the "Innocence of a marriage".
If WS decide to leave a long-termed marriage and even if he gives the impression that the shared history is forgotten, it isn't! It will always creep into their minds.
A "fling" is what you are saying, it's a "fling". A "fling" will give you a "pyscological high" but it won't last forever.
Just wanted to share the following: My father had an affair and he left my mother for OW. They are still together after 31 years. My father used to be the most loving man I could think of. He was full of energy and I admired him. He (at that time) believed that he had to divorce and that OW was the fullfillment of his dreams.
It's so strange because OW admired my father that he had travelled so much and seen the world. She admired him that he was a great hunter and she loved his classy way of dressing and how good looking he was. She looked up to him because he always had very exclusive cars. He always got admiration from OW when he talked about his hunting trips. He loved to talk about these things and he felt prowd about himself! But these experiences all happened during my fathers marriage with my mother. My mother always participated and she was very enthusiastic about these things.
So, wasn't/isn't my father actually dwelling in the memories of his old, long-termed marriage with alot of shared memories (with my mother and NOT OW???
He is now the unhappiest man I can think of. He broke off all contact with everyone in his family, including me. He has become a psyco! He is a broken soul. He got what he thought was right but he lost himself and everything he had once believed in.
From what I have heard, he lives for himself in a house thatOW lives in. OW cannot stand him anymore but they are financially tied together.
The happiest time in my fathers life was the time when we were a family. He used to go hunting and we went camping etc. These were the things he loved. He loved to travel, he loved animals and he loved classy cars and he was known to be the best dressed man around.
He had this................
His history with OW is: No classy cars,(OW now hates cars and she's has a car phobie) NO hunting, NO animals (OW has a dog/cat phobie) NO travelling, NO camping and he NO longer takes care of himself.
Example my WH says our history and memories will always be special but he has to put those to the side and move ahead.
Well, if this is what your WS is saying........think. If he thought that his choice to have an affair was correct (which it isn't) then why should it be true that he has to "put those aside and move on"?
It might sound logical.................but I don't think it's realistic.
Before my husband ever had an affair, I said: I would divorce immediately if I ever found out that he betrayed me even if I love him from the bottom of my heart. I was positive that I wouldn't be able to cope with an affair and that our marriage would be OVER!! (this is what I believed but it was NOT reality)
Hope I'm not off-track with what I wrote and I hope you understand what I am trying to say.
hugs
bb
