How is everyone? Tired, thankful, blue and new joiners.

Good morning all, I hope everyone had a good evening and will have a great day today.

I had a friend come over and play some basketball last night. Afterwards, we had a long talk about marriages and my current situation. She had some interesting ideas that I will float by you guys later. I've got to go now, but I will be back this afternoon.

Remember, we are going to make it and be happy!

Miserable night last night. Had another "talk". He says he loves me as his wife and doesn't even know if D is the right thing that he doesn't even know what he's doing.

He must have said several times "if we go through with this D". Which I don't understand. He asked me, "If we go through with this D and I come back in a couple of years then are you going to be forgiving of me?" I told him yes I would be willing to work on things, IF I still wanted the marriage to work at that point. I don't understand why he even made the comment. Its almost as if he's saying "Lets get a D and then work on improving ourselves and our M". I told him that made no sense to me, and he said ofcourse it wouldn't make any sense to you, I told him it wouldn't make sense to anybody.

I just basically told him that I wanted the marriage to work, and he had a loving wife who is %100 committed to him and would do anything for him, plus a beautiful family and if he wanted to throw it away without even knowing if it was the right thing then that's what he needed to do. And if it works out down the road then well cross that bridge when we get there.

I don't think I'll ever have to worry about crossing that bridge. He's not interested in changing anything about himself. I told him that I can't do everything on my own, that it takes 100% from the both of us and he's not committed to doing that and I'm tired of trying.

I really wish he'd get on here or go to counseling or something. He needs help.

He was fussing becuase he says I NEVER touch him. Which is a lie. I tried to explain to him that both of our love banks are empty and that we both have to meet in the middle. It would make it easier for the both of us if we could meet each others needs at the same time. But with us it's all one sided. He wants me to meet his needs but he doesn't want to meet mine.

Anyway, if we get into this discussion again I'm just going to tell him that if he wants to talk about working on our M then well talk till were blue in the face. but that's it. There's nothing left to discuss until he decides he wants to committ himself to this M.

I am glad your friend came over last night. Sounds like you were able to get some things off of your chest. It's good that you have friends who can listen to you. I don't have any of those. What ideas did she suggest to you last night?

Yes, we are going to make it. And we will be happy.

Morning Tired & Soon-

Glad you had a nice evening Tired. Looking forward to hearing your ideas later.

Soon, I'm so sorry for what you are going thru. I don't even know what else to say about your H. ((HUGS))

H came over and we talked for awhile. Well, he cried - I cried. I told him to go ahead and take the time to clear his head but in clearing his head, he HAS to end it with MOW. I am feeling kind of weird, almost indifferent. I am not even sure if I want him back. I don't know. I don't even know what I am thinking right now. He just acts so strange. I don't know what he wants from me. He has such an emotional barrier against me from our problems in the marriage. His issues with me, unfortunately are legitimate. I know they are no excuse for him to go and have an affair, but they are valid issues. What to do.

At least I am not feeling pain today, that is a good thing. I don't even feel like crying at all so I guess it will be a good day? I am in one of those "whatever will be, will be" moods. It's alot better than crying and wishing and hoping.

Talk later.

I;m right there with you Thankful. It's hard to describe my mood. Not sad, hurting or angry. I;m just....here. Ya know?

I hope we all have a good day today. I hope I have a busy day today here at work. I hate being slow, I have too much time to think when I don't have much to do. But I'm usually busy on Wednesdays so well see.

It is amazing to me how similar our moods always seem to be.

I guess I hit the bottom last night and have no more tears or self pity to waste on someone who is so broken that I could never get past what has happened. I had to work late, and when I got home noticed STBXH was not at his house yet. Decided to take the dog for a long walk to make up for my absence. Just as we happened to walk past where STBXH is staying, I saw him and I guess whoever he is seeing walk across the yard to the front door. He could not have missed seeing me, although it was dark and I could not get a good look at her, but I would know him anywhere. They were holding hands. I turned around and went home. There were several messages on the answering machine from bill collectors for him, so very calmly I wrote down the messages and called where STBXH is staying. Of course they would not answer the phone, I am sure he was expecting me to be upset. I calmly left a message about the calls, gave him the call back numbers and reminded him that I had left a key with a neighbor for emergencies as we had discussed and was still waiting for a written acknowledgment of our agreement about selling the house. Thanks, and I guess that is all. He will not call back, or acknowledge me in any way. I guess it is better this way. I at least know that there is nothing I can do to change his mind and that what will be, will be. There is a song I love that has the line "I have lived like I shouldn't and Loved like I should" and I just keep repeating it over and over today.

I did the best I could to love this man the best I could. I never cheated, lied, or betrayed our trust. I supported him in all of his troubles, and dreams. If that wasn't enough for him, then there is nothing I can do about that. I believe in the philosophy of "what goes around, comes around. It is my turn now for someone to love me, and I believe I will find someone for who, all that I am capable of, will be enough.

Thankful: Try not to beat yourself up over what you percieve to be your issues. You have already made the hardest step in recognizing them and taking responsibility for whatever they were. My STBXWH also held on to the resentments he created, telling me if I had just been different that none of this would have happened, but I am starting to listen to those other wiser voices, mainly here on this forum, that what he is thinking is about him, and not about me at all. When it comes to me, he is no longer the expert, and his opinion carries little weight based on his track record. Hang in there, we can do this.

Itsoonwill end: Do you feel like the "talks" are really getting anything resolved or are they just a means to keep the emotional turmoil alive? I only know that since my STBXH will not talk to me at all anymore, that my thinking is much clearer. I used to be so confused about what I really wanted because I was so busy trying to figure out what was best for him. I was always trying to second guess what he meant, or was going to do, or trying to empathize with his emotions, that I was too exhausted to look inside myself. Without all of the distractions, I have a much easier time identifying what it is I really want.

Blue: No, these talks don't resolve anything. That's why, IF the next time we have a talk and it goes right back into the same direction I'm just going to tell him that if he wants to talk about repairing our M then we'll talk. Until then, it's just a waste of time to fight and argue. It doensn't do anything but upset me so much that I want to put a gun in my mouth, and he gets so angry that he scares me. Thank God the kids haven't been around.

I have to learn to set boundaries. I have to learn to take care of myself. This has went on for too long.

I'm sorry that you have to live so close to your alien. I'm sorry for asking, Don't know your whole story. Did you guys have some sorta problems in your M or did he just up and leave?

Our situations are all so sad. I just repeat this to myself over and over. Sometimes it helps, most of the time it doesn't...but the pain has to lessen sometime...

'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'" (Jeremiah 29:11).

Up until D-day I was not aware of any problems. WH wasn't great at communication, but I thought things were good. He was worried about his business (so he said) and I took that at face value. Worked on building the future we had always talked about, remodeling the house ourselves, and spending time with the kids. He came from a rather troubled background - 2 ex wives, 3 kids he never saw, depression, and had addiction issues in his past. I thought everything was working out though and we were happy.

Once I discovered the A, I put a lot of time into trying to change what he thought needed to change - less time with kids, more time for us, more attention from me etc. He went to IC several months and was taking AD. We read the books, took the surveys, and I thought were trying to re-connect. But we never really talked anything out to a resolution. I had trust issues and he hated me checking his phone and email account. It was not until 2/11 that I knew he was not happy. He just went out while I was buying his valentine present and found a new place to live.

I think now that most of our marriage I enabled him to either ignore personal issues, or avoid dealing with problems that should have been addressed. I was in charge of everything from home repairs to domestic duty and thought it was helping to take the pressure off him. When I discovered the A, he immediately dropped the OW, told her right in front of me that he must have been crazy to risk losing his marriage, and begged me not to walk away. After that though he never wanted to talk about it at all. He began using pain killers shortly after D-day, and lying to me about them. I think the woman I saw him with is his ex-wife #1, who is as crazy as a bed bug and dangerous. He has always proffessed to hating her, but because I asked him to not see her, I think he is doing it just to prove that I can;t tell him what to do. On some levels he has the maturity level of a 20 year old, and has to constantly prove his independence from everyone. Was an issue in our M, but I never realized how big of one. From having a comfortable home, savings, a family that cared about him, and a woman who would do whatever it took to make him happy he has gone to living in a friends spare room, dodging creditors, and living out of garbage bags. None of our neighbors will speak to him and he kinda slinks in and out of the neighborhood as if he is ashamed of himself. I don;t know if he ever even thinks of me or what he threw away, or if he even knows why. I have never been able to get anything out of him except "I am just not the man I used to be, and I don't know how I feel"

Blue: That is so sad. That he wont even talk to you. I mean, what reason does he have to not even talk to you? Have the D papers been filed yet?

Do you still want to save your M? Or have you just gotten to the point where you can't fight anymore for something you have no control over?

Hi All, I'm back and caught up on the morning posts.

Soon, this may be something new. Your H appears to be fence sitting even beyond the possible D. I've never heard of that before. I think you handled yourself very well in the "talk". I agree with Blue in that these talks are useless unless they are aimed at improving the M.

Thankful, I'm going through the same numbness as you and everyone else. I think that is a part of healing. The pain will come back in waves as you do or see something that triggers it, but it will get less severe each time. You did good in telling him that you will work on the M, if and only if he gives up the MOW. Be prepared to stick to that statement.

Blue, I'm sorry that you had to see that last night. You did make some great points in your earlier posts. I think everything does go in a circle, and nothing in life is free. I think sometimes a WS refuses to see the cost of what they are doing, sort of like charging it on a credit card, and like credit, the bill will come due. If you gave your best to your M, then nobody can ever ask more.

I had a friend over last night to visit and she had some interesting ideas. These ideas are last ditch efforts and probably shouldn't be tried without a lot of thought. She has been through a situation quite similar to ours. Her H had an A, and totally wanted nothing else to do with her. She went through the same emotions as we are; second guessing herself, low esteem, etc. She said that he was happy running around with the OW and keeping her at a distance, until she started seeing someone else. When he found out that she was seeing someone else and moving on with her life, he went crazy. He dropped OW and came running back, but she had really moved on and didn't want him back. He hasn't dated now in 4 years and is still hoping that she will take him back. She told me that she has seen this happen many times and suggested that I at least pretend to be happy and act like I am dating someone. I don't know, it sounds hair-brained, but I don't have anything to lose. I know now that she thinks that she can come back whenever she gets ready, so it might shake her up a little bit. What do you guys think?

Tired, your friend has a point. It very could shake her up. I do think you should act happy around her. Not overdoing it, just act as if you have moved on and are happy without her. I don't think this will be as easy task though. As far as the dating. Are you thinking of actually going out on a date? Or just ACT as though you are dating.

You are right, you don't have anything to lose.

I'll respond further to her ideas when you get time to answer the above question. I have to think a little on this one.

I think my H has plans of purposely letting me see him with other women. I say this becuase not too long ago he told me . "One day you are going to see me out with another woman and it will drive you crazy wondering if she's just a friend, a serious GF or someone I'm just screwing."

Tired,
I've seen that happen as well. But, only when it has been for real. Know what I mean? I mean you really have to be interested in someone else in order for it to work, which would really defeat the whole purpose. I think if it were an act, it wouldn't work. It would have to be real, real emotions, real feelings for someone else. Because it would be those emotions that you are directing to someone else that would "shut out" your STBX. I don't think someone can fake those emotions. I don't know. I could be wrong.

It happened to a close friend of mine. Her H was always threatening her with divorce & she got to a point where she was getting sick of hearing it every 6 months. She started to have an EA with a co-worker, her H found out & did a complete 360 turnaround - she ended the EA..but now, even though he has changed his tune, she isn't sure if she is happy with him any longer, after all he put her through over the years. She feels "why now...why did it have to take me finding interest in another person for him to want to change?"

Kind of a catch 22.

You guys are probably right. I don't think I could seriously date anyone right now, and that would probably show. I can hang out with opposite sex friends and act like I have moved on. It would be an act and probably easy to see through.

My friends point was that my STBXW still has a safety net in me, even though she acts like she doesn't care. My friend said that she is lying when she says that she doesn't care what I do. When my STBX thinks of all the things that I did for her and the way I treated her like royalty, and then thinks someone else will be getting all that attention, it will make her wonder what she has thrown away.

I know this is stupid and desperate, but I might as well try it. At least it will make her wonder what is going on. I know she still inquires from mutual friends as to how I am doing.

It does SOUND stupid and desperate. But heck, if it works then it would be well worth it. She does still see you as her safety net so maybe if she thinks that you have moved on she'll see that you are not there anymore to fall back on. And someday soon she will need something to fall back on. A life with a 26 (right age?) year old boy still living with his parents is not going to pan out...I'd bet my life on it. He's a little boy, not a man. And she'll see that. Soon. So if you started hanging out with the opposite sex and make her think that you've moved on then her situation must might come to a halt a lot sooner.

Do you have friend of the opposite sex that are not mutual friends of hers?

Hope everyone has a good evening. I'm outta here!

Pray for me and my STBXH and I'll pray for you guys too! And thanks again to everyone for all of your words! They mean much to me!

Have a good night Soon.

Hope we all have a decent evening. I plan to watch the re-run of Apprentice on CNBC, I missed it the other night b/c I just wasn't in the mood.

Wonder why I am feeling sort of...at peace? I wonder if it is because I know in my heart that I am done playing games with H. I think I know what I have to do for sure and that is take good care of myself and my kids - focus on what is going to make me happy right now & getting back into the workforce...all while letting the marriage/relationship chips fall where they may. Also, it is nice that my H is making more of an effort to see the kids. He is even taking DS overnight Sat eve. at his brother's. Maybe this is all an illusion, but it feels as if our relationship is less strained now, for whatever reason. Maybe that is a good thing? Maybe it is a bad thing? I don't know. I'm not trying to play tough guy anymore & just be my normal self. I feel like we've entered into a different realm.

Let's see how I feel tomorrow...lol!