This was posted in response to someone by Lone Star...question following this excerpt...<BR> <BR>You ask the following question:<P><BR>quote:<BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>Why should I have to stay in a marriage with someone I can no longer tolerate?<BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>You shouldn't. If you no longer want to be in a marriage, then get out. Personally, I would try EVERYTHING I could to FIX the problem before I left. If you've tried everything, but STILL can't get him to respond and to change, then, by all means, LEAVE.<P>How do you know if they do or do not want to "fix it" and if you are wasting your time or not? For some reason this has not occured to me in my self pity I guess. Now I worry even more and feel even worse.<BR>

Paul... I agree. Are they sending mixed signals because they are scared to be honest? Are they blaming and being insane because they really don't know how to fix the situation? Or are they truly and utterly finished with the marriage and are being as rude as possible to let you know that? Sorry, I don't have any answers. My best guess is this: whether it is anger or affection, one does not usually bother or put so much effort unless they care on some level. Any thoughts?

I know I care, it's her that I do not know about.

Paul - If it's any help, I think I've been going through something similar. I don't know any more whether my W wants to go or stay. I simply want her to choose between me and the OM. I love her, but I'm not going to hold her against her will (she sometimes acts like I am - maybe I am in some way I don't know). I suspect the OM is too smart to want to get into a monogamous relationship with my W, so she continues clinging to a wrecked marriage while trying to induce some kind of commitment from him. (First Law of Wingwalking: Never let go of something until you have hold of something else.) Just a guess. And, really, I don't think the Q CAN be answered.<P>For what it's worth,<P>--Wex

Not very comforting, but appreciated none the less.

My H left but I am still trying why. I believe he has gone crazy. Simple answer,but I think it is the truth. We had many discussions before he left. His self esteem had bottomed out. I wasn't meeting his needs because he had stopped meeting mine, which was not the right thing to do but there were other circumstances. She meet his needs and excitied him. He is now in lala land. I thenk one day he will gain his sanity and will come back. Least that is what I pray for. Anyway only being insane can explain our S behavior. My theory any way.<P>------------------<BR>di<BR>

Hi Paul -<P>I am going to give this a shot!!! I think that this is one of the few things in this whole nightmare that I ACTUALLY understand!!!!!<P>You have to separate what YOU feel and what YOU want from what your spouse feels or wants.<P>It's very simple really.....<P>Do you love your wife?<BR>Do you want to stay married to your wife?<BR>Do you want to learn about how to try to do that?<BR>Do you want to put the work into it that will be required?<BR>Do you want to learn about relationships and how to improve your part in them?<P>Once you've answered these questions then you follow what ever path your answers send you to.<P>If you answer no - then you don't bother and you give up.<P>If you answer yes, then you put your energies and determination into it.<P>NOWHERE in these questions does it mention going by what the spouse is doing, saying, wanting, etc.<P>There are two main reasons why that is:<P>1) One should live their life according to what they feel and act according to what they believe is right.<P>2) When learning about infidelity - you realize that a big part of the betrayers mindset is romanticism. There's a big fantasy factor. Creates a lot of illusion for them. <P>You wouldn't want to decide the fate of your life based on an illusion - would you?<P>You couldn't be too sure of your love if it is dismissed because the object of it is not reciprocating at the moment.<P>Either you care for someone regardless, or you don't. <P>When you base your emotions or actions on what the other person does or feels...what is that saying about your being true to your own thoughts and feelings? What, all of a sudden if she doesn't want to be married - you don't either? Would that be true? Or would that be reactionary PRIDE!!<P>In order to get through this the best way possible - we can only work with what we know....and that is our own feelings and emotions!!!!<P>What the spouses are going through could be real and end our current relationships OR it could be some climatic turn for the better (wake-up and see what is happening with the current course the marriage is on) for the relationship.<P>Only God knows which!!<P>I am not a doormat!!!! I am a woman who knows who she married, why she married, for how long she wants to be married. Because there are two people with two different ideas on things - that might change, but I am not going to be the person changing it into something that I don't want!!<P>Life throws things at you, it's all in your perspective on what you want to do with it.<P>If you want to be angry and/or wallow in self pity or absorbtion....then, that is how things will go!! If, however you stay true to yourself, your life will go the way you choose....not what someone else "makes" you turn it into!!<P>Have I rambled at you enough, Paul? LOL!! I'm sorry...I just get upset when we tend to react instead of standing our ground!!!<P>If God or Fate or whatever you want to call it, has plans for our marriages to end, then that will happen without our changing our own beliefs.<P>So, please try not to let her actions or feelings dictate yours.....stick to your own and follow your heart while using your head. You will never know what is in hers....but I hope you know yours.<P>What do you think? Can you adopt this perspective? I might get a little nuts sometimes through all of this....but one thing I Have NEVER doubted is myself..no self esteem issues have been involved and that is probably because I am doing my best!!! That's all we can really do and be certain of.<P>HUGS and STrength to you,<P>Sheba<P>PS - Cam - this is for you, too!!!!