Yes, this former OM contacted me on Christmas of 2004. I asked him not to contact me further and it has now been almost 15 months with NC from this former OM. I don't believe that he is a threat anymore. And perhaps, IF he does decided to contact me again through an email, that would be the perfect opportunity to expose this to his wife.

I said the decision being made was for selfish reasons [clarify to add both 2bN and her H] They are only worried about how it MIGHT negatively affect them not how it MIGHT positively affect the OW and her M. IMO, that means they're only looking at themselves.

I agree...they are only looking at themselves and their family and their marriage.

Same thing I did when I was dealing with my wife's affair.

Personally, I agree with taking care of my family, my marriage, my relationship with my wife FIRST. And if taking care of someone else's relationship constitutes a danger to MY marriage or relationship, then yes, MY marriage will be priority of worrying about theirs.

In the same situation, I would focus on rebuilding MY relationship over worrying about OM's relationship with his wife. Guess we'll just have to 'agree to disagree' on this point...'cause I can't say that I completely blame them.

The funny thing is this...I ADVOCATE telling the OPS in almost every case. But in this case, it becomes a choice of 2BN doing what is right for her marriage vs OM's...which shouldn't be a choice at all.

She cannot make her H change his mind...if she argues that point too strongly, it's going to create even MORE strain in a marriage ALREADY strained by affairs.

SO IS THE EXPECTATION THAT SHE (AND/OR HER HUSBAND) PLACE THE VALUE OF OM'S MARRIAGE OVER THEIR OWN???

Quick question:

Over on LTM's thread, where she (OW) had renewed contact with the WH after a 16-year-affair and was now wondering whether she should contact the WH's BS, the overwhelming opinion seemed to be that she should immediately walk away from the situation. Some posters suggested that the BS deserved to know, but it got a bit lost in the advice for the OW to get away from the WH's marriage (with little mention made of how the BS was to find out about this, if at all).

I can see that there is some difference in that the BS there already knew about the A (but not the laspe in NC) whereas here the BS in question might not know at all.

Is that the reason why 2BN is being told so adamently by some that she needs to tell the BS in this case?

Just seems like two different types of advice to a relatively similar situation....

G

Obviously NOT POJA'ed, unless I'm misinterpreting this and 2BN is 100% about BH not contacting OMW...and that is not what I gathered...otherwise why the phone call to the radio show and this thread. It doesn't seem there is a respectful communicaiton in the form of POJA, and that is part of what causes some pain in the 2BN household?

2B,

Is the OM we are discussing the one that contact was established via classmates dot com?

If so, is there a possibility you will see him and his wife at a high school reunion?

Were you friendly with his wife prior to the affair and would she be likely to approach you at such reunion?

Just something to think about.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- I gave 2B an out. If you REALLY tried to get BH to do it and he won't, you must respect that and rely on his leadership. It then becomes his mistake, IMO, but not the end of the world.

Forget my post here...this is a solid waste of time.

2BN has a clear direction to move in at this point...the one determined by POJA between her and H. And (while this is apparently open to interpretation) according to what I read of the responses on SH's talk show, supported by SH. At the end of that conversation, when directly asked if she should contact OMW, SH said no. That simple.

All of this discussion is really beating a dead horse, and of no value.

On to other things.

I'm glad...no problem...I wish your husband would reconsider about at least reading here...it has done so much for us...


I think this is something you have to work through...not just get past...sweeping things under the rug can be dangerous...you know that though...


You do...but he has a responsibility to consider your needs and what is best for all involved as well...



And you were honest about your feelings about this to your husband, right?


I also think what Lexxxy pointed out about your OM still being a predator when it comes to your marriage should be addressed with your husband 2BN...

Best to you guys,

Mrs. Wondering

Yes this is the OM that contacted me through Classmates.com.

However, I did not go to high school with this man. It wasn't mentioned on this thread that I ONLY knew this man as a teenager when I met him on a family vacation. I don't know his wife. I NEVER spoke to his wife ever.

He only contacted me through Classmates.com as a means of finding me. There is NO high school connection.

YES, but my husband "feels" that my reasons for contacting this former OM's W are to get back at the OM. I explained to him that is simply not true, but he does not buy it.

I think it should be mentioned that 2BNormal's second affair was an ON LINE AFFAIR and she never personally met the OM.

Many of us (such as Owl) have been following 2B's struggles
here at marriage builders for nearly a year.

She is a WONDERFUL Christian lady; no doubt about it.
She has repented and been FORGIVEN by her husband AND God.

However...that online EA was every bit as damaging to her marriage.

Trust me...I know.

My wife's EA was just that...an online EA. That, when discovered and exposed, convinced OM to buy her plane tickets and my wife to agree to go live with OM, even though they had never met face to face.

Just wanted to make sure that no one 'underestimates' that online EA. It's no less damaging to the marriage, to her H, to the trust between them, than if they HAD met face to face. Her first A was also an online EA that TURNED into an in person PA.

2BNormal...

You are in my prayers...I feel like I "hear" the turmoil that this is creating for you...I wish you the peace I know that you desire and the means to get there...

Mrs. Wondering

P.S. Mr. Wondering was "wondering" on the classmates connection because that is how my FOM contacted me...he was my old high school/college bf...

Oh yes, the online affair was every bit as damaging if not more to my husband because of the 2nd betrayal on a different level.

I will add this information here as well to the defense of my husband (since he is not here to defend himself)...I mentioned on this board before, but it's not on this thread. I also had an affair prior to marriage with a married man that ended just months prior to our marriage. My husband didn't discover this until AFTER we were married and he didn't know the full extent of this affair prior to marriage until we were married 15 years.

By telling you all this information, I hope you can just understand that my husband wants to have our marriage repaired and no further damage. There has been quite a bit to repair!

What you say is very true, Owl.

Those online affairs can fill our hearts and minds with thoughts of romance and the craving for affection and attention through emails and be VERY destructive to our marriages.

You know this, 2B knows this, I know this, many know this.
Too bad we had to learn the hard way.~sigh~

Edited as I just see 2BNormal's reply and she agrees about emotional affairs devastation on marriages. (Even for those that have never met in person.)

The topic covered here seems to come up all the time.

So, what have I learned so far?

Two types of opinions:

1. Expose, expose, expose, no matter what! No exception, no special circumstances, no special case, etc.

2. Expose, expose, expose, unless.......

What is the list of reasons given for not exposing?

1. the A is long over.
2. the FWS has cut all contact with the OP and the OP has cut all contact with the FWS.
3. the marriage of the parties exposing would suffer.
4. the children of the parties exposing might find out.
5. the OP should be the one to tell thier spose.
6. the BS and the WS in the M do not owe the OP's spouse any explanation
7. the OP should be the one to reveile all to their spouse
8. exposure should be POJAed
9. the marriage of the OP and their spouse might suffer.
10. the other couple is no longer together.
11. the OP's spouse may already know
12. an online EA only (I hope I misunderstood that one!)


I am sure there are others that I have not thought of.

Are these legitimate reasons? That seems to be the debate and unfortunately the Type 1 category of individuals on this sight will not be able to convince the Type 2 categoty of individuals to expose. But WE CAN TRY (yes, I am in the type 1).

It Seems to me that the list is growing. And that is quite troublesome to me!

It seems to me that the exceptions are not really exceptions at all. Most of the reason's that are being given as exceptions are probably true in many many cases. So not really exceptions at all.

I still feel that the OP's spouse should know. On another thread (we may still remember it ~ it just got shut down 2 weeks ago) I even argued that a case could be made for exposure when the OP's spouse is already re-married!

So, I don't buy into the exceptions that I see made here over and over.

I do feel that too many people are putting so much weight on what the Harleys say. I am bount to get some 2x4 for that. But I stand by it.

Why does what he sais matter when it comes to telling the truth to the injured party?

I know his opinion is based on having experience dealing with marrital issues for years and years. So, it is only natural to follow a profesional's advice.

However, we all know there is pleanty of professional advice out there that should not be followed. I am not saying, don't follow the advice by the Harleys. I am saying, that there are issues on which one can have an opinion without having the "backup" of SH or any of the Harleys.

Even if what you say 2B is correct, that the Harley's told you that in your case you should not expose (as much as I am having a hard time believing it), I still would say EXPOSE! I will say it, because I believe that woman should know what has been going on that directly effect her life.

If I was her, I would want to know, wouldn't you??


Best of luck!
Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Exposure after the fact is such an interesting topic.

2BN: “OK ML - Let's hear what you believe my husband and I should do. Mind you, my husband will not call this OM's wife. Let's hear that you believe that I need to NOT respect my husband's decision.”

ML: “She still needs to be informed. How will she be informed since your H refuses?”

Just a thought, 2BN: Since you do not want Melody to do it, send contact info with details to me. I will inform OM’s BW by phone or registered letter.


Post exposure to OM's BW happened to us. Before I knew much about MB and before I had any energy to even think about OM's BW, OM’s BW and I received anonymous letters months after D-day 2. I think they were from one of his other OWs, or OW’s BH, he cooled it with after I confronted him. He decided to maintain a low profile for a while. (I hear he is not laying low now, BTW. OM is an archetype for anyone who wants to argue once a cheat always a cheat, IMO.)

I already knew about the LTA by then, of course, but OM was still lying through his teeth to his BW. She called me after we received the anonymous letters. I told her what I knew. She thanked me. She was very sad, crying uncontrollably, but she also felt great relief. She finally understood why things were so bad for so many years. She was relived to discover she wasn’t crazy after all. She thanked me many times. Just like me, no matter what she tried to make things better in her M, nothing worked while the LTA was going on. And nothing would have worked after it ended either because dirty secrets prevent true intimacy.

We talked several times sorting out LTA details. It was very helpful to both of us. There was still a lot of lying going on from FWW and OM. Because of my personal experience in this area of disclosure, I wonder if there is a fear of undisclosed A details coming out, 2BN. No offense meant, my mind just goes there a lot now. Probably will for the rest of my life, lol.

I do not feel a need to remain anonymous, though I would not let on where I received the info if you prefer.

I definitely lean towards having some pity on any and all BS… someone, anyone, give them truth so they have something to work with… please...

With prayers,

PS: Something to consider - one’s wants, even one’s EN's, should never trump ethical behavior. Even two people’s joint needs or wants should not trump ethics. What do you think is the truly ethical thing to do here? Opinions will vary, but what do you think is right wrt OM’s BW?

2BNormal, I agree that your past A should be exposed to the OM’s W (she has a right to know), but on the other side I also agree that your H and M should be your first priority and that you should not go against your H’s wishes and call the OM’s W. Also, it’s clear your H remains adamant about this issue and will not discuss this issue any further. Therefore, it seems further efforts from your side to try and convince your H to call OM’s W, will be disrespectful and put strain on your M and relationship.

I understand you find yourself in a catch-22 situation 2BNormal and this must be very difficult and troubling for you… I know you want to respect your H’s feelings – especially after all the hurt and damage you’ve caused him, BUT I also know that this issue (about the OM’s W not knowing about the past A) lays heavily on your conscience and is bothering you a lot (otherwise you wouldn’t have posted about it and seeking advice from posters AND Dr Harley himself - even after you and your H has POJA'd about this 2 years ago.)

2BNormal, you may feel at peace right now with you and your H’s decision to not expose (especially after the advice you received from Dr Harley regarding this), BUT I know this will start bothering and haunt you again somewhere in the near future. You might feel temporarily convinced now that this should not be exposed to OM’s W, but deep down in your heart I know this is still bothering you 2BNormal.

What should you do? There is a way out…

Two members already offered to expose to the OM’s W…and I think you should discuss this with your H and consider taking up the offer(s). In this way neither you nor your H will have to contact the OM’s W, you will still respect your H’s feelings in this regard and not put your M and daughters in danger, but at the same time the OM’s W will have a chance to know the truth about her own life, especially if her H is still predatory and hasn’t told her about his previous A yet (which I highly doubt). This sound like the perfect solution which will be a win-win situation for ALL (the OM's W included). Then you can be at peace with yourself that the truth has been exposed to OM's W and move on with your life.

Please consider this 2BNormal…I really think this might be the right answer/solution to this situation. The person who expose to OM’s W (Melody, Alphelion or any other member you might feel comfortable with – I’m sure there are many others who will be willing to do this if you won’t feel comfortable with Mel or Alph doing it) won’t have to mention how and from who he/she has gotten the information from. As long as OM’s W can be informed that her H has an physical A in the past, it will be sufficient... As long as she knows.

Take care,
Suzet

To all,
I emailed Dr. Harley yesterday to request a written reply to my email that was responded to on his radio program.

Last night I received a reply from Dr. Harley.

In my request, I also stated that I am a member of his forums on MarriageBuilders.com. And I stated that my husband is not a member of his forum and does not read any of his site. (I state this here so you will understand Dr. Harley's reply below)

This was an exact quote from my email to Dr. Harley:



Here is the reply I received from Dr. Harley:


As stated in Dr. Harley's first sentence, this is what he advised me on the radio program.

I did talk further with my husband last night prior to receiving this reply from Dr. Harley. I showed my husband some of the replies I received on this thread to have him think about it some more. I also did mention that someone on this forum offered to contact the OM's W for us, and he does not want to go that route. It caused some great strain in our marriage for me to bring this up again to him. This issue is now closed as he has made the decision that we will not be contacting this woman by any means as of now. In the future, this may change, but I have to stand by my husband in this for the sake of our marriage.

Thank you all for your advice.

2BNormal, did your H explain why he is not willing to go this route? What is his reasons for this? I mean, this would have been the perfect opportunity for OM's W to get the truth without getting you OR your H involved. Would you be willing to go this route if your H agreed to it?