I had posted another thread "Not Sure What The Future Holds" in which I explained what I'm suffering through with my WS's multiple infidelities, in which he has now made plans to move into an apartment (I believe, with the OW). Of course, my initial feeling is a host of many emotions: abandonment, betrayal, fear, loss of love, etc...I was doing everything possible to try to hold on.

Through these message boards, reading the many threads listed here and finding so many similarities, I have prayed for release of these emotions and it has come. I realize that without WS's committment to rebuild, and especially without his ability to end his relationship with the OW, we are dead in the water.

There is no doubt that he loves me, as he says it many times a day. He may have pulled away from my physically, but I still receive warm hugs, smiles, and genuine concern. So he hasn't totally disconnected me from his mind. Meaning, we still have a foundation. With that glimmer of hope, and our first counseling session with a psychiatrist tomorrow, I will have to wade it out.

I am not going to be a wall flower, but my ultimate goal is be supportive, understanding, and provide all the emotional needs that my WS needs during this process. He is an addict. Plan and simple. And with the grace of God, he will work through these issues at the counseling session (I'm sure the future counseling sessions will be on an individual basis).

I have read on this site that the majority of affairs end quickly. Their foundation is built on mistrust, lies, and deceit, which truly holds no basis of survival. But what do I do in the meantime?

This is where my confusion sets in. I have read bits and pieces about "Plan B", but I don't fully understand it. I think I understand the concept that I have to cut off all ties to him, but I'm not quite sure why? Is this a punishment, of sorts? Will this make him grow fonder of me due to my absence? There are children involved, and I know he will want to see them. Again, this is where I need help from someone to give me the "steps" to Plan B. I need to understand what I'm trying to accomplish with Plan B. Of course, I want to see him often as a total separation will kill me (maybe only initially), but I fear that providing him with a letter outlining Plan A (trustfullness, caring, kindness), coupled with the "I can't see you anymore", might push him further into the OW's arms.

Help???

xHale - "Surviving An Affair" has a thorough and straightforward description of Plan B and the logic behind it. I strongly recommend you read that before making any other decisions - not the least of which is whether you've accomplished Plan A.

That said, a case with multiple infidelities does not represent the "garden variety" affair for which the MB approach is designed (based on my understabding of it). This doesn't mean the MB approach isn't useful - just that deeper rooted weeds are likely present in multiple affair cases that require more than typical gardening.

How old are you and your husband, how long married, and do you have any children with him?

I have read Surviving an Affair on this site and it has helped. If you want to read exactly what happened with me, it is now on page 2 this discussion board.

I am 44, my husband just turned 39, and we have two children: 5 and 3.

We have been married for 6 years. This is my second marriage and it is his third.

"I strongly recommend you read that before making any other decisions - not the least of which is whether you've accomplished Plan A."

But accomplishing Plan A is not my choice. Since my WS has already made the decision, without me, to move into an apartment (again, I think is is an emotional response, not rational, to live with the OW), then hasn't Plan A already been ditched? Meaning, since he is clearly making plans involving the OW, then Plan A is not possible, correct? Plan B has already been put in place by his actions.

Accomplishing Plan A is your choice alone. It has nothing to do with actions of your spouse - other than his decision to have an affair in the first place.



No, no, and no.

xHale - you can approach your challenge anyway you want. If you want to take advantage of the MB approach, you need to better understand what Plan A and B are all about.

Please get a copy of SAA and read it.

Reading around this site will certainly help you, and piece by piece all the aspects of SAA get discussed. But I recommend you get better grounded in the total package before making decisions to use MB ala carte.

The fact that you are already separated makes your Plan A a bit more difficult than if not separated. This does not mean you go directly to Plan B - if you want to use the MB approach.

For instance, what faults of YOURS have you identified that contributed to the poor marital environment that allowed the affair to occur?

"For instance, what faults of YOURS have you identified that contributed to the poor marital environment that allowed the affair to occur?"

This is a confusing statement. All through this site I have read that the affairs are not my fault. It was my WS's selfish decision, his emotional needs, etc...that prompted him to make the decision.

I do realize that it takes two to make a marriage, and two for it to fall apart. I'm not saying that I failed to fill some of his emotional needs as I delicately tried to balance the role of wife/mother/friend/provider.

Frankly, we have not discussed any issues. His only comment to me is "I've been unhappy". I deny this response only because I would constantly ask him if he was happy only to hear a resounding "you bet". How am I to know if he is unhappy if he doesn't speak the truth? When I say I didn't know he was unhappy, his response is "I've been telling you, you just don't listen". It's a very cruel, and vicious cycle, and what I believe only his attempt to pass blame. It makes my head spin as I try to make sense of it.

We start counseling tomorrow, so it is my prayer that all of the uglies will come out then.

He has not moved (yet). I don't ask, and he doesn't provide information. I do have evidence that the apartment has been secured. Maybe he's only providing residence for the OW. Maybe he's waiting for tomorrow's counseling session to provide a date. It may sound like I'm being passive, but my heart says that if I make demands or ask questions while we haven't even yet addressed the larger picture, then it will push him away.

I may be wrong...but I have never gone through anything so incrediably emotional like this before. So I'm prone to make poor decisions in this process.

Is the SAA an e-book that must be purchased?

***"For instance, what faults of YOURS have you identified that contributed to the poor marital environment that allowed the affair to occur?"***
***This is a confusing statement. All through this site I have read that the affairs are not my fault. It was my WS's selfish decision, his emotional needs, etc...that prompted him to make the decision.***

You are absolutely correct. The decision to have an affair is always 100% the WS's. However, Plan A lets you correct any complaints that your WS may have about you as a marriage partner and therefore removes any excuse they might try to give you for cheating. And, of course, it will help to strengthen the bond between you and show the WS what he will be missing if he does not turn back to the marriage. Got it now?

***Frankly, we have not discussed any issues. His only comment to me is "I've been unhappy". I deny this response only because I would constantly ask him if he was happy only to hear a resounding "you bet". How am I to know if he is unhappy if he doesn't speak the truth? When I say I didn't know he was unhappy, his response is "I've been telling you, you just don't listen". It's a very cruel, and vicious cycle, and what I believe only his attempt to pass blame. It makes my head spin as I try to make sense of it.***

Rewriting the marital history is very, very common. WS do this in order to justify their affairs. Try not to take it too seriously.

***We start counseling tomorrow, so it is my prayer that all of the uglies will come out then.***

I hope you understand that as long as your WS is still seeing his OW, counseling will be a total waste of time and money. WS will only use the counseling sessions to string you along and let you think he is "trying." What he is really "trying" to do is keep both his wife and his girlfriend.

***Is the SAA an e-book that must be purchased? ***

It's not an e-book. It is a regular soft-cover book that you can buy either from this site, through amazon.com, or from a local bookstore. Amazon.com often has used copies for sale very cheaply. I think that once you read this, and *His Needs, Her Needs,* the advice you are getting here will make much more sense to you.

Good luck.
Mulan

You can find SAA via the bookstore link on this site or thru just about any on line bookseller.

Regarding your counseling - do not expect much from your husband. Conventional wisdom is that counseling a WS while in an active affair is non-productive. Be ready to hear gibberish.

Your confusion regarding the whole mess is understandable - particularly your misunderstanding of my question regarding your faults because you have not yet absorbed all the knowledge available on this site.

I didn't ask why you caused the affair. You didn't. That was entirely his decision as you have read here. But unless you are perfect, you helped create the affair friendly environment - to some extent, great or small. Plan A is all about finding those faults and fixing them and demonstrating your fixes to your husband.

If he hasn't moved out - good. You don't want that so that you can do a good Plan A.

Dear Mulan,
Thank you for the insight you have provided. I guess the counseling sessions will tell all. I'm sure the Dr. will ask him if the affair is still active. I don't know if he will lie or finally tell the truth (he has been denying the affair, but I have proof that it is still ongoing). If he says that the affair is false, we are again, dead in the water. You can't make someone confess until they are ready to make the turn.

"I hope you understand that as long as your WS is still seeing his OW, counseling will be a total waste of time and money. WS will only use the counseling sessions to string you along and let you think he is "trying." What he is really "trying" to do is keep both his wife and his girlfriend."


I never thought about the fact that he may just be stringing me along to have both lives. It just never occured to me that he would make such efforts.

I will go out and purchase the book immediately. I am starving for insight and direction, because as I have said before I have never gone through something like this before.

It makes sense that until my WS ends the relationship, we can't begin to repair. If, tomorrow, he says that he's still having the affair but it not willing to end it, is that when I should cut off all ties to him?

"If he hasn't moved out - good. You don't want that so that you can do a good Plan A"

I'm not sure how much time I have left. Again, I have not asked when he is leaving. He may/may not be struggling with the actual seperation. I have been, in the past weeks since all of this came out, providing a loving and caring environment. I have not put any pressures on him and only showed him how much I care and love him. I'm positive this is causing him total confusion because he was expecting worse, and he didn't get it. As a counselor once said to me "give him a reason to leave, and he will take the open door". So I haven't. Or, maybe he hasn't left because he has yet to finalize the plans (securing the apartment, etc).

So...I don't know that I have enough time to purchase the book and implement Plan A before he moves. I don't expect anyone here to hand-hold me, but is there another good thread on this site, or article that can give me an overview of how to implement Plan A quickly? Should Plan A be presented at the counseling meeting tomorrow?

xhale,

Sorry bout this mess you're going through...been there. The book can be ordered from THIS SITE or most online bookstores.

WAT's reference does not say it's your "fault" but the premise behind the MB approach is for the BS to identify any negative predispositions they have i.e. annoying habits, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts....other wise known as "love busters" and eliminate them. Also to identify which "emotional needs" your husband has which you may have not been providing. ie. admiration, domestic support etc. and start fulfilling them. Read everything on this site from the home page to get a comprehensive explanation.

This does not mean it is your "fault"...he wears that. It simply means that you understand certain aspects of your behavior may have contributed to his poor decision making. In simplistic terms, if your child didn't get a bike for his birthday, he goes and steals one. Doesn't make it your fault.

Part of plan A is also exposure. Affairs wither in the light of day. Lovingly tell the people that matter to you that your husband is cheating, but you wish to save that marriage and hope they will support your union as they likely said they would at your wedding ceremony. Exposure on her end is in order too, especially if she is married!

If he is a chronic cheater, you may have not "contributed to the environment that made the affair possible" as he has a character flaw and would have cheated regardless of the state of the marriage. In that case, exposure is that much more important.

Don't expect counseling to do much while he's entwined in an affair, he'll likely use it as a ruse to justify his infidelity. "It has nothing to do with this other relationship...it's all about you". Heard it myself.

By the way, how did your husbands last marriages end and at what point did you get involved with him?

"Your confusion regarding the whole mess is understandable - particularly your misunderstanding of my question regarding your faults because you have not yet absorbed all the knowledge available on this site. "

This is so true. I'm not thinking clearly because of the emotional duress I am under, and it's hard to take all these theories and apply them. Again, do you think that presenting a Plan A in counseling will be the best approach? And to define Plan A, this is a way to clear the air so that WS cannot say I didn't take ownership, and then the ball is then left in his court?

"By the way, how did your husbands last marriages end and at what point did you get involved with him?"

His first marriage, at the age of 21, lasted only a few years (he claims she had an affair and he ended the marriage). His second marriage ended, with what I believe as infidelity on his part. He never admitted it, but said "we had a lot of problems", and he moved out. In fact, I did meet him while he was still married but it was only a friendship and one meeting at a party. We met again several years later, after his divorce was complete and so was mine. He was, however, living with someone out of state. He commuted each weekend for 2.5 months to be with me. Of course, the story was that "we live like roomates", but I had my doubts. History dictates that he has a "need" to be needed. He doesn't apear to ever leave one relationship without another waiting in the wings.

To clarify, he has had 2 affairs while married with me. The first repeated itself over a period of 2 years. On/off again. When we were trying to repair, the OW would offer him physical pleasures without committment, but then would fall back on her word and make emotional demands. Out of hurt, the OW would call me to reveal that they rekindled their affair, I would confront WS, he would end the affair...and we would trudge on. I looked over my shoulder for 2 years before he regained my trust. He made many efforts to do this (calling me when he was late, not taking money out of the bank, etc...). I thought we were on the road to recovery, but I now know that it was a temporary fix and it was only a matter of time before he wandered again. This time it was someone new. Someone he met on a personals site who was also married. To make matters worse, I believe it was an alternative lifestyle site (dominance themed). It is my understanding (through sleuthing) that she left her husband for my WS. It is obvious this relationship is doomed because there is no foundation.

If you are interested in reading my entire story (and it's a long one), it is in this thread under "Not Sure What the Future Holds".

xHale - since the counseling is already set up and in recognition that you are (understandbly) not yet up to speed on the MB approach, I suggest you attend the counseling and mostly listen. Answer questions honestly and humbly. Do not try to "fake" a Plan A. The terms Plan A or Plan B should not be used with your H.

Go, listen, state your desire that your marriage be rebuilt, do not be hesitant to express your pain. Use "I" statements like "I feel hurt when you....." instead of "You" statements, "You hurt me when...."

OK?

WAT

***I never thought about the fact that he may just be stringing me along to have both lives. It just never occured to me that he would make such efforts.***

In my opinion, this is the very most common misconception about an affair - the idea that the poor WS is trying to choose between two people and just can't decide which one he/she likes best. The BS is in agony and living on pins and needles waiting for the WS to "choose."

In reality, the vast majority of these people (WS) honestly think they've found a way to enjoy both the security of marriage *and* all the fun of dating someone new. They will do whatever they have to do to keep this going - lie to and bully the BS, lie to the OP, lie to their families, lie to their friends, lie to their employers, lie to their counselors - and will often string it out for *years* even in the face of terrible damage done to themselves and their families.

If these people really had found someone they loved more, they'd just move out, get a divorce and never look back. But that's rarely the way it happens.

Your WS, like so very many of them, is what we call a "fence-sitter" or a "cake-eater" - as in, sitting the fence between married and single and trying his best to have his cake and eat it, too. And you can bet your house that he will keep this up just as long as you are willing to be a part of it.

Plan A is a short-term strategy for the BS (you) to bust up the affair and attempt to win back the WS through meeting his emotional needs and repairing any flaws you may have had as a marriage partner.

(Anybody got that "Carrot and the Stick of Plan A" link? I promise I'll put it in my sig this time.)

Plan B is what happens *after* a short-term Plan A, with "short-term" being no more than 2-3 months for most BS. In Plan B, you see that the WS has no intention of getting off the fence or giving up all that cake, so you send him a letter stating that in order to protect what love you have left for him you will no longer have any contact with him unless and until he has gotten rid of the OP and is prepared to work solely on the marriage.

Stay tuned, and please get those books.
Mulan

xhale - to tide you over, here's my canned description of Plan A:

The way I understand Plan A, it's based on two premises that must be accepted for “garden variety” affairs:

1. The BS (betrayed spouse) cannot end the affair.

2. The affair developed, to some extent great or small, due to a poor marital environment which the BS, also to some extent great or small, contributed to.

If a BS cannot accept these two statements as givens, they will not be able to implement Plan A.

With these facts established, there is only one constructive thing a BS can do to influence the course of an affair: change the affair-friendly marital environment by eliminating the BS contributions to it.

To this end, the BS must perform an introspective search for all the things they were doing or not doing that contributed to the WS's (wayward spouse) decision to have an affair - and then eliminate those negative contributions. These may include failure to meet emotional needs or disbursing too many love busters - but is usually some combination of both.

This DOES NOT mean that the BS "caused" the affair. This DOES NOT mean that the BS can or should try to change failings of the WS.

It simply means that the BS needs to change and improve the only thing they have control over - themselves - to eliminate love busters and begin meeting as many emotional needs of the WS as they can.

Central in this is stopping all disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, and selfish demands. This is agonizingly difficult in the face of an affair. A BS has to counter the common knee jerk reactions of demanding the WS "straighten up" and delivering ultimatums and threats. Acting in this fashion simply reinforces the WS's rationalizations to conduct the affair in the first place - because the marriage "is over" or expendable and the spouse is unreasonable, therefore the affair is justifiable.

Invariably, this course leads BSs to feel like doormats and [censored] kissers. It also conjures up thoughts of enabling the affair by not resisting it. But the better logic to apply is that the BS isn't a doormat or enabling because they're doing the only things in their power to stop the affair - it's just counterintuitive to the initial reactions. This doesn't mean that boundaries shouldn't be set and protective measures shouldn't be taken.

Let me add that Plan A is all about the BS. You do not "Plan A" your WS. It is not intended to change ANYTHING but the BS.

I'll end this by offering that there is one additional thing a BS can do to alter the course of the affair - but I call it "destructive" rather than "constructive" (to separate it from the one and only constructive thing, discussed above). It's to expose the affair to the light of day. But this deserves its own discussion.

OK, one more thing. The affair is very, very likely to end DESPITE what the BS does or does not do. Until it ends, there is NO chance for reconciliation. Ideally, Plan A improvements can encourage the WS to end the affair sooner because the spouse's "causes" of it are eliminated. But regardless, following Plan A prepares the BS for a successful reconciliation whenever and for whatever reason the affair ends by jump starting the process - their share of pre-existing marital problems are already confronted.

WAT

***Go, listen, state your desire that your marriage be rebuilt, do not be hesitant to express your pain. Use "I" statements like "I feel hurt when you....." instead of "You" statements, "You hurt me when...."***

This is exactly what I needed to hear. It has probably been the best advice I have seen so far. I was prepared to take some of the blame, but I was ready to use the "you" word. To state that "you" destroyed our marriage". That "you" made bad choices. That "you" lied, cheated, broke our committment towards one another. I now realize how damaging this will be and I will avoid it at all cost. I realize, as I have posted earlier, that if you give the WS no fuel to fight, there will be no fight. I have been searching for answers as to what the counseling session will hold tomorrow -- and basically no one really knows. I've wondered if: 1) the WS will use the session as an opportunity to announce his move date, 2) he will, again, deny the affair, 3) he will announce the affair and ask for a divorce point blank, 4) or, lastly, surprise me and announce the affair, say he's willing to end it and start the rebuild process.

As you can probably deduce, #4 is what I least expect to happen. I suspect #2 will be the result. However, I do know that if the psychiatrist is worth his fee, he will ask to start meeting with us separately. He will want to "dig" into my WS's head to find out what is really the reason he wanders. Yes, he's not being emotionally fed by me in some shape or form, but it all starts with his (possible) over-need for attention. Let's face it, if we were all mature enough to express our real desires, fears, wants, needs, none of us would be here on this board, expressing our anquish and pain of an event that has been so life-shattering.

***Your WS, like so very many of them, is what we call a "fence-sitter" or a "cake-eater" - as in, sitting the fence between married and single and trying his best to have his cake and eat it, too. And you can bet your house that he will keep this up just as long as you are willing to be a part of it.***

This is probably why he hasn't moved out. Again, my mind wanders through all sorts of scenerios: He hasn't moved out because of inner termoil (he still wants to be with me, or, he's afraid of truly hurting me).

***In Plan B, you see that the WS has no intention of getting off the fence or giving up all that cake, so you send him a letter stating that in order to protect what love you have left for him you will no longer have any contact with him unless and until he has gotten rid of the OP and is prepared to work solely on the marriage.***

While I'm not relying on anything, I have read on this site that rarely does an affair last. Not that I'm just willing to wait it out for its demise to take him back, but is it true that, if my WS does not make a decision to end the affair, and I move on to Plan A/B, that I may have a chance in the future once the affair takes it's natural course and ends?

***Again, my mind wanders through all sorts of scenerios: He hasn't moved out because of inner termoil (he still wants to be with me, or, he's afraid of truly hurting me).***

He hasn't moved out because he wants to keep you both. Hon, he doesn't care one bit about hurting you. If he did, things would be very different.

*** . . . is it true that, if my WS does not make a decision to end the affair, and I move on to Plan A/B, that I may have a chance in the future once the affair takes it's natural course and ends?***

I will disagree with WAT and say that there is often a great deal the BS can do to force an affair to end, with the most effective being Exposing the affair to all and sundry. He's right in saying that you can't *make* it end, but you can sure do a lot to bust it up and cause trouble in Paradise.

Plan B will knock some WS off the fence when they get the shock of learning that the BS is not going to be part of the unholy threesome any longer. Remember, your WS thinks you will go along with this forever and that you can't live without him, so he is therefore pulling all the strings. Plan B shows him that this is not the case and that he is no longer in control of YOUR life - YOU are in control of YOUR life, and if it has to be without him then so be it.

That is a real shock to a lot of WS who honestly think the BS is helpless without them and will wait for them forever.

Mulan

WAT,
Such powerful and encouraging words for me to follow. Thank you for taking the time to provide a brief overview of Plan A. But I do have a few questions that relate to your comments:

***Central in this is stopping all disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, and selfish demands. This is agonizingly difficult in the face of an affair. A BS has to counter the common knee jerk reactions of demanding the WS "straighten up" and delivering ultimatums and threats. Acting in this fashion simply reinforces the WS's rationalizations to conduct the affair in the first place - because the marriage "is over" or expendable and the spouse is unreasonable, therefore the affair is justifiable.***

This has never been a factor. I am a peace-maker by all measures. Even when he had his affairs in the past, I didn't yell, scream, kick, threaten....I knew those reactions are not productive, only a sign of losing control. I do not react that way. Each time I have been loving, caring, kind, asking "what can I do to help?". The problem is that we never followed through with the answers to that question. We were coasting. I cannot deny this. It is easier to look the other way when coasting than face the uglies.

I realize mentioning "Plan A" is not feasible at the counseling session. But during the session, when I admit to my faults, my inability to see that I was not meeting his needs, at that point do I ask WS what it is that I need to improve on? Is his imput during this meeting productive, or is it too early? How can I saw that it is my intentions to do whatever I can to correct my behavior if I do ask what emotional needs I haven't been meeting?

I don't know...maybe the opportunity for this won't even come up as the psychiatrist is the ultimate conductor of the meeting.

***I'll end this by offering that there is one additional thing a BS can do to alter the course of the affair - but I call it "destructive" rather than "constructive" (to separate it from the one and only constructive thing, discussed above). It's to expose the affair to the light of day. But this deserves its own discussion***

I wasn't able to decipher what this means..."expose the affair to the light of day". Do you mean to family, friends and co-workers? If this is correct, I can tell you that it will have limited impact on our relationship because he has no close relatives (read my original posting on another thread and you will see his difficult childhood). We have no close friends, and I don't know his co-workers. I also so it as a destructive response to the situation and I can bet my hat that my WS will take this as an agressive approach and withdraw even furhter and he will think it is a retalitory act. So, if this is what you mean, his humbling will not be a result of exposure. Only more hurt will insue and the result will be negative at best.

Mulan, ya gotta read the whole thing, Hon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

xHale - make sure you read the links in my sig line below.