My wife and I have been together for 10 years, for five of which we've been married. We also have a 6 year old daughter whom we both love very much.

We've had a very unstable past together, despite having been w/ each other for so long. When we first met in High School she was extremely jealous, I was unfamiliar w/ how to handle a relationship and was easily influenced. We stayed together despite many problems. She would have fits of jealous rage and would destroy my possesions, and I became emotionally unstable and began a pattern of domestic abuse. It took my being arrested for this behavior to realize that we had a problem that needed to be dealt w/ immediately. After spending a couple weeks apart, we got back together and eventually were able to curb our emotional issues and get our lives on track. However, we have both held onto issues from the past.

She has had trust issues and has "promised" me that if I were ever to lie to her, or involve another woman in our relationship that we would be through. I, in turn resented her, unreasonably in my opinion (for quite some time), for life choices that I made because I felt "forced" into them despite them really being my choices to make.

Recently, the stress of my life caught up to me. The resent, the greed, job stress, health issues, age (despite my being only 27... the other issues had some effect there). At some point, I broke down and and "disappeared" for a few hours, sitting in my car in a park we had been to once. Things just caught up to me and I didn't know what to do. My wife and family, being concerned for my well being, and knowing that was unlike me, called the poice and hospitals and started searching for me. When I got home, I lied out of fear and said I was at work putting in overtime and lost track of time. She knew I was lying, and explained her concern. She then asked me if someone else was involved. I told her no, as at the time there was not.

Shorty after my episode, she asked me again if someone was involved. I was angry, bitter, scared, confused. I lied and told her yes and that I had feelings for a girl. I told her that we hadn't done anything together, but I was able to talk to her about my problems and felt like I could be me. In reality, I was just thankful for anyone to talk to at that point. I had myself convinced that things weren't wroking for us, and that telling her this would make it easier for her to move on. My wife, despite our past and her "promise" tried her hardest to work on our marriage, and to get me to turn to her instead.

Unfortunately, my instability caused her to suffer equally.
Then I went and made things worse.

I wound up turning to my 21 year old female friend for stability after some time (myself being 27). I never really discussed anything w/ her other than every day life. All I really wanted from her was someone to discuss work, and life w/. Not my current relationship issues. Over the course of several months, I called her every night after my wife went to work and talked to her while spending time w/ my daughter. Due to my severe instability, I was able to justify my actions by telling myself that I needed the support, and had myself convinced that my wife would leave if I discussed my true feelings w/ her. I assumed that she would either think I was crazy, or would be fed up w/ trying to make our marriage work. I needed it to work, but couldn't see it happening, needed her help but couldn't ask or accept it and did nothing to stop her when she finally took action and took me to mediation for a legal seperation.

On top of this, she caught me in the act of talking to this girl on the phone, and I lied. Then I lied some more and some more and some more. Eventually the phone bill told the truth to her when she requested a list of local calls.

After 3-4 months of lying and phone calls, I finally was able to piece myself back together emotionally and mentally. I realized that I had been haroboring feelings for years and that I needed to re-evaluate my life. Around that time, my wife told me that I had become dependant on this girl and couldn't give her up. That night I called her and told her that I wouldn't be talking to her anymore. I gave no explanation, and being the friend she was obliged me. I've not seen or talked to her since and it has been several weeks.

Since then I've written letters to, and have had discussions w/ my wife letting her know how I feel. I've explained to her how I felt throughout all of this, appologizing constantly and telling her taht I wanted to be there for her but couldn't be because I had my own issues to sort out. She's told me several times tat she saw nothing wrong w/ the way things were and will never understand my actions. I've also admitted to her that I had contemplated suicide several times a day for a few weeks because I was so unstable. I was told I was being selfish.

I've found that I can be myself again and have let go of the past. She and our daughter mean everyting to me... I even told her that I'm ready for that other baby that she's wanted but was denied.

Now I face a whole new challenge. Since I put her through so much... the lies, the other woman, forcing her to handle our seperation... She also found someone else to talk to. My 26 year old wife had befriended an 18 year old co-worker who is apparently a carbon copy of me, only "he allows her to be herself". Ironically... At some point, he became attracted to her and confessed his feelings. She in turn found that she may feel the same way, though she has told me that it may be either out of spite or because of our similarities.

At the time of my turning point, she became bitter and angry. She now tells me that she doesn't love me the same ( I'm not sure if she does at all now)? We live togther, though legally seperated. She is trying to prepare herself financially so taht she can "have her space and not have to deal w/ things". One minute she hugs me and spends time w/ me, the next she is cruel and hurtful saying things about having kids w./ other men, or how I need to stop loving her. Her feelings seem to be scattered... One minute she says she could change her mind and want me back later, the next she tells me to not to bother trying to fix our marriage.

She has yet to brush this other guy off that I am aware of, though she has told me that she is angry w/ him and taht they had an argument (the contents of which are apparently none of my business. Lately her attitude seems to have taken a turn for the worse. I have to admit that her mixed signals make it impossible for me to read her true intentions. I keep hoping that this is just stress and anger showing through, and that when she says she is sick of everyone, including him, that it's true and that she'll come around and realize that we could work this out. She's said taht the easy thing to do would be to keep me there, but i don';t see her taking the easy way out.

At this point, I want to work on our marriage... and she wants me to leave (so she says)? She's making changes in her life (work, etc...) and has told me that I haven't made any. She's said that she can't see things being any different than they were, and that she won't live her life that way. She is up and down, back nd forth. Never saying one thing w/out contradicting herself later. My fear is, that w/ this recent attitude change, w/ her becoming more angry and distant, something may have changed for her and if I don't step up to the plate and prove my worth, I'm going to lose her. On the other hand, I could be reading her incorrectly and may have already lost the battle or am fighting an invisible foe.

The problem I'm having is that I can't seem to function well enough to do what's needed to fix this. I can't get past the thought of losing my family... I'm lonely, and afraid.

So here is my question. Does anyone here have any advice for me on how to proceed? She's angry, bitter and feels she can't trust me. She does things and says things that lead me to believe that she still cares, but then tells me that I'm misinterpreting her actions. I don't where she stands right now. I'm not sure she does either. I need help. Desperately. I've been given some advice by family and friends, but believe that the more opinions and advice I get, the better my chances for finding the best solution.

There are other things tha I haven't posted here yet that I believe may give me some insight on where my marriage is headed. If you'd like more info before giving me advice, please let me know.

Thanx.

"At some point, I broke down and and "disappeared" for a few hours, sitting in my car in a park we had been to once. Things just caught up to me and I didn't know what to do. My wife and family, being concerned for my well being, and knowing that was unlike me, called the poice and hospitals and started searching for me. When I got home, I lied out of fear and said I was at work putting in overtime and lost track of time. She knew I was lying, and explained her concern. She then asked me if someone else was involved. I told her no, as at the time there was not."

This doesn't make any sense. You lied because you were at a park? And later you got a girlfriend?

By the way, welcome to marriagebuilders.

Yeah, alot of what I did didn't make sense.

When I was coming home that day, my wife pulled up next to me in a friend's car and was pointing at me and yelling w/ the window up. She had a look on her face that put the fear of God in me. I was already distraut and dwelling on the past. All I could think about was the past... The threats, her destroying my things... and then w/ my daughter being there... I just thought things were going to be over right there. I basically was freaking out and lied out of desperation. It wasn't even a well thought out lie. I was grasping for straws and was scared out of my wits.

I've had to let go of alot of emotional baggage over the last several months. I managed, and on my own... it was difficult, but I did it. The irony of all this is that I destroyed my marriage to save my marriage. I would get angry for no good reason, then realize I was taking it out in small ways on my family. That in turn would make me even more angry. I was just out of control for some time. It took re-evealuating my entire life to realize that what I had is what I really needed.

For the record, and off the record... She was not my "girlfriend". She was someone I thought I could depend on to be a reliable friend. Someone not directly involved in my life that wouldn't be influenced by anything I might have had to say about any given thing. Someone that could be honest, and wouldn't get angry w/ anything I had to say. My wife actually pointed out to me later on that she was a single 21 year old girl, who probably knew what kind of person I was and that I'm the type of guy that would take care of someone I love no matter what. I don't know if this was something she had planned on trying to take advantage of or not. Nor do I intend to ever find out. My wife is still bringing that day up, and puts "went to the park" in quotes when she says it. I screwed up. Alot... but I'm no cheater. If she could put her trust issues aside, she might see that. Or not. I don't know.

I've been a real moron. I've always been a little mentally unstable at times. My childhood wasn't a perfect one, but I can't blame anything on that. My problem is that up until now, I've never been able to just let things go. Heck, I'm still doing it. I like to think I'm a good guy, and people tell me that I am. I just don't have alot of self confidence at times, and have issues w/ being alone. I'd never cheat on anyone. I've had it happen to me w/ every single person I've been w/. My wife was even turning to another guy back when we had our more severe issues, and I'd seen her kiss him. Though, I trust her when she says she didn't sleep w/ him for reasons I'd rather not discuss.

Thanx for the welcome. I could really use some direction right now. I'm sure I have plenty more to say... It'll just come to me in bits and pieces.

You know... the sad thing is that I'm a pretty easy going, intellegent guy normally. When it comes to her, and relationships though... My logic just goes right out the window, and I let things get to me more than they should. I do stupid, crazy, illogical things out of fear of being alone. I mean, I was an Eagle Scout and regularly attened church when I was young. Then I left home to be w/ her, gave up school to be w/ her... and eventually turned to domestic violence. That's not me, or I'd like to think it isn't. I see lot of wrong in the way the world is today, and the last thing I want to do is contribute to that. I don't know.

We had a long talk last night. She said alot of things. Told me she doesn't love me right now, is angry w/ me, doesn't trust me nd doesn't see taht ever changing. Yet, she can't guarantee me that she won't decide taht I'm the best thing for her later and that she won't want it to work. She said that the easiest thing for her to do right now would be to stay w/ me and be miserable because of financial reasons. She told me that she couldn't let go of the other guy though. She made it sound like she needs him because she can talk to him and not me, and when her best friend moves to Texas soon she won't have anyone else. Later on, at about 2pm, I woke up from a dream both angry and scared because I dreamt that she made me get in a truck and drive to his house w/ her so she could stare at him and his family through the window and tell me how great he is. I woke her up and talked to her until I could calm down. I was more scared than anything. I got huffy w/ her for a minute, then she helped me to calm down. I didn't get out of control... I stayed focused for the most part. It was just unimaginably difficult to wake up from something like that and actually try and deal w/ it. I apologized to her last night and this morning. she keeps elling me i don't have to worry about him, that she's just as angry w/ him as she is w/ me and everyone else for "telling her what to do". I keep telling her that I'll be there for her. She admitted that what she is doing w/ this 18 year old is stupid. I agreed and told her what I did was equally as dumb.

I don't know where to go from here. I'm the kind of guy that would take care of her until the end of time reagrdless of her actions, and would forgive her no matter what. I think I have issues, but I'm not sure I want to get past them if I do?

My big concern today is whether or not she's cheated on me w/ him, or if they are really just hanging out together until something changes. I trust her when she tells me she hasn't done anything and thatshe hasn't lied to me. The problem is taht she keeps telling me things on purpose that make me believe otherwise. Like saying that I can't trust her not to have done it because she is angry, but only saying that when she is really angry. Or saying that she is not tellingme everything, and that if she told me I would beangry w/ her and want to "beat" her, but it owuld help me deal. The thing is, after she said that the one time, she told me taht she really didn't think it would work out between us. She keeps expecting me to fly off the handle like the old days. Maybe she thought that if I knew she didn't want things to work, and I had stayed this long and tried this hard I'd be angry? I can't blame her for my decisions anymore... I guess she doen't see that, if she ever will at all. I hope to God she hasn't "done anything" w/ this guy. It'd kill me, but I'd still manage to forgive her.

I think I would drop the confidant, and start trying to confide in your wife.

It sounds like you are beginning to do that.

The only one that you really have any control over is yourself. So work on changes in that area.

I'm definitely new to all of this... I'm seeing OW's and WH's and XYZPDQ's and my head is reeling. It's like trying to decipher 1337 speak.

I get some of it, but I'm baffled by the rest. If there is some sort of format, process, order, post length I should be adhereing to please let me know.

My thoughts are also scattered at best sometimes, so feel free to question or comment.

Sorry, I'm just new to all of this and not sure how I should be going about this whole process. Not to mention I'm unsure of whether or not I've left out anything important. I'm trying my best.

Thanx for understanding.

I've done that. It was actually taken care of sometime in February. I've been trying to discuss the issue w/ my wife for some time. The problem I'm having is that she is too angry to care about our situation right now. She's told me that she is sorry I hurt right now, am lonely and knows I love her but there is nothing she can do for me that I need. She is saying and doing the exact same things I did and said when I went through the phase she is going through now. I never thought it would end, and neither does she. I'm hoping that like myself, she'll overcome her anger and personal issues and realize that things could work if we try.

I've actually been doing just that and working on making changes in my life. The obstacle I have yet to be able to overcome is knowing that she is involved w/ someone in else in one form or another. I'm trusting her when she says that they simply talk and hang out. It's the fact that she's told me that he loves her and our daughter that concerns me. I'm not even out the door yet, and she is taking my daughter out when they go bowling together (like they did yesterday). They've also taken her to Chuckie Cheese together. I wish I could bring myself to not forgive my wife for these things. I just can't do it though. I don't know if that's the right thing to do anyway. Is there a right thing to do? I know my daughter knows some of what we've both done... My wife has brought up issues in front of her several times in regards to my female friend and the phone calls, and I've made the mistake of voicing my opinion of her male friend in repsonse. That and our daughter is pretty intuitive, and may be seeing things when she is w/ them that she may be interpreting on her own. He's even bought them expensive gifts for holidays. If I wasn't so guilt ridden and ashamed of the things I've done, I'd have half a mind to destroy this guy. Though, it is clearly not all his fault. I can't bring myself to blame her most of the time though, and revenge is never the answer as far as I'm concerned anyway... regardless of how tempted I am.

Inferno, the abbreviations and acronyms used here are found on the "Just Found Out" forum. Here's a link to the thread containing that information.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...0&fpart=all

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In what you've said, I don't see in your first post that you have definitive information on whether your wife is actively engaged in an affair or not. Your last post has some flags in it though. It's becoming clearer she's at least in an emotional affair. Other flags can be any or all of the following. Is she spending a lot of time on phone calls you are not allowed to hear? Have you checked cell phone bills for an unusual amount of calls to specific numbers? How about emails? Do you have access to her email account? Are there unexplained absences from work, sudden requirements for "overtime," in the office, going out with "the girls," delays in coming home because she's going to happy hour, odd charges made to the credit card or checking account, abnormal or lengthy trips to the grocery store, etc., etc.? All of these can be big red flags she is involved in an emotional affair (EA) or a physical affair (PA).

Here's a thread that discusses how to find out. Your wife will think of it as snooping and invading her space or privacy or whatever. You think of it as mounting a military-style intelligence operation to find out whether a third person has been included in your marriage. You cannot trust her to tell you the truth if she IS involved. Cheaters will lie on their mother’s grave to keep the adultery hidden. Trust, but verify.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1


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Read up on these things and find out whether there is an affair to fight or not. Whatever you find out, I suggest you buy the book Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. It will help your marriage whether there is adultery to recover from or not. While you wait for the book to be delivered, read the "Most Popular Links" on this site. They'll give you basic information on the techniques of exposing and then recovering from infidelity.

Do not even think of destroying the other man. That's not productive and even speaking of it can land you in deep trouble. Instead, we'll show you how to destroy the affair, but not the human beings in it.

Oh, and if there is any vestige of your relationship with that confidant of yours remaining, drop it ASAP. Be completely transparent with your wife about having done it and apologize for having had an inappropriate relationship outside the marriage. No one...NO ONE...outside the marriage is entitled to private information about your marriage, and that applies to you as well as your wife. If you need a confidant, get professional individual counseling. Actually, it could be a good thing for you to get that counseling whether you think you need a confidant or not.

Good luck. If she’s having an affair, there are many people out here who come to this board for the sole reason of helping you. Hang in there.

I'm 99% positive that she is involved in an emotional affair. She's told me so herself at one point, though I'm not sure she'd call it that and I'm not sure she'd admit to it now. Around the time I told her that I want things to work, she became angry w/ me and distant, telling me that it is because she previously gave me numerous chances to work things out and I squandered them.

I know for a fact that she has a choice to make in regards to this other guy and myself. She keeps telling me though that we are both making her angry, though I'm not sure how he is doing that.. which I will get into. She claims that if we both walked away right now she wouldn't care. She says this, but then we had another conversation that tells me otherwise. She told me the other night that it would be in her best interest to try and work things out w/ me, yet she is angry and doesn't want to and doesn't believe she ever will. That, and if she did try, she couldn't give him up because her best friend is moving to Texas in the next several months and she will have noone left to talk to but him. Obviously she should be talking to me, but right now she feels as though she can't trust me enough to to do that. He is 18, has not even moved out of his parent's house yet, has confessed to loving a 26 year old married woman w/ a 6 year old child that is not his, and he recently dropped out of college. As far as I'm concerned, he has issues and has taken a liking to her because she offered to do something w/ him for his 18th birthday because his friends and family wouldn't. I'm positive he's clinging to her for all the wrong reasons, and has even admited to her at one point that he didn't even know what love was. He hasn't even experienced life yet. Plus, he's taking a promotion that is going to screw her financially because of conflicts w/ their mutual positions in the company and work hours. She's asked him to reconsider and so far he's declined, knowing what it will do to her. If he's not willing to step up in that instance, it means that he's not prepared for a reltionship w/ her. The whole thing is insane. She can't see what's right in front of her, he is immature and irresponsible and they are clinging to each other for all the wrong reasons. I'd have half a mind to give up on her if she hadn't tried to help me, I didn't love her so much, and my daughter weren't involved. The two of them went bowling together the other day, and my daughter went w/ them. That is a crappy example for my wife to be setting and I'm sure my daughter knows taht what she is doing is wrong and is very confused by all of this. I'm starting to hate the woman... It's too bad I know she's not normally like this.

She admits to talking to him and going out w/ him. She also admits to not having a physical affair w/ him... Though I'm not sure of the truth in that. I want to believe her, but I'm unsure. She tells me she's not, she tells me that it's irresponsible to do w/ my daughter there and that I should know her better. The problem is, my daughter is at school all day, shw orks nights an I work days, and right now i feel like I don't know her at all. She's even told me that I can't trust her not to have a physical affair because she is angry and will do anything. the problem is, she said it when she was angry so Idon't know what to believe. She's also told me that she hasn't lied to me the entire time, and that she considers not saying anything lying. She has told me when they've spent time together, and when she talks to him. At the same time, she's told me tha she feels she can't tell me everything and may be getting even for things I've done. If i didn't know how important telling the truth in a relationshiop was to her, I'd really have some strong doubts. I'm starting to think I should anyway.

I haven't had anything to to do w/ the girl I was confiding in for some time. Since the beginning of February actually, which may or may not be long I guess. I've sworn off anything to do w/ her though. The thing is, my wife is acting the eact same way I was and saying the exact same things I was when I was talking to this other girl. The only difference is tha I said and did them out of anger, not because I had feelings for her. This concerns me, and I think it should. My wife has put herself in situations where she has had to choose between two male companions on three different occasions now since we met. Once when we first met, once during the times in which I was abusive and she was destructive and now. She's fallen back on old ways, and I feel as though I drove her there. I'm unsure of how to get her to end her realtionship w/ him, and any advice that anyone could offer right now would greatly appreciated. The problem I may have is that she is too angry, hurt, untrusting and disgusted to take any steps to give him up and work things out right now.

Help!