I have been out for 4 months now and ever since I left I have tried to call and talk to the kids everynight. The problem is 4 nights a week they are near bed time getting back from after school activities. Sometimes I feel I am a pest calling to say goodnight to them. I can't predict exactly what time they will get home, so I start calling about when they should get home and then every 5-10mins trying to catch them when they get there, talk for maybe 3-4mins and get off the phone so they can go to bed, do homework, whatever they need.

Last night, I called, and the wife said with huge attitude, the youngest has a headache and is getting in bed and the oldest has to work on homework. I just said, "ok, I won't bother them then" and hungup. Now I feel bad because I know the kids knew it was me and I hungup.

But, I don't want to be a pest, and probably only 1 out of 5 calls I make do me and the kids have something substantial to talk about. I just ask about school, their day, whatever I can think of. I just want them to know I am still their dad and I still love them and care.

should I only call on early nights?

The other reason I call is to try and monitor what is going on between them and the mother. She was extremely hard on me and she is very hard on them too. I know she controls their everybreath. The other night, I heard my oldest who is 10, ask STBX "is it ok to tell dad school is out tomorrow?" that right there tells me she is controling what they say to me if my 10 year old feels the need to ask if its ok to tell me something that trivial.

The reason she wanted me to know was that I come to their school and have lunch with them 2 days a week and I had mentioned maybe coming to school the next day.

On days when I have them, I get them to call her to let her know they are ok. She doesn't call them. Should I stop that? Should I just let the weekend go with no contact between the kids and the wife? It doesn't seem like the right thing to do to me, but she doesn't seem to care if they call her or not.

I ask the kids how things are going on my weekends. My youngest finally told me that "things have gotten better, but Mommy still gets mad for no reason." My oldest just says "things are better."

Any advice is appreciated.

thanks.

Interference into someone else's parenting time can be a problem. From the outside, your calls seem excessive to me, but I know of others who speak to the kids everynight.
It seems that what you are doing now, is not working, so can you change it?
For example, let the kids know that you would like to talk to them every night, and have them initiate the calls when they can. Ie. Tues. swimming ends at 7, so they'd get home at 8:30 and could call you then.
I don't call my kids except when they are with Dad more than 2 nights in a row because he needs the length of parenting time with them. They sometimes call the other parent because they know the numbers and just pick up the cell phone. That's always ok for them to initiate a call.

Perhaps you can solicit ideas from the kids/ex to help decide what works for your family. There are ways to keep in close contact with the kids.

hmm, well I will talk to the kids. I was afraid of that, but it was something I started early on. It tenses me up calling anyway.

They don't call me, they wait for me to call them. One day, my youngest wanted to tell me something and I didn't call on that particular day, and she was disappointed and the STBX got attitude with me cause I didn't call.

I believe the kids have called me 4 times in 4 months. I have told them it was fine to call me anytime.

Hard to know whats a good balance. I am such a rookie at this mess.

It would be a huge mistake to put the burden of maintaining your relationship with the kids on them. Calling them every day is not excessive, and having them call their mom when they are with you is the right thing to do as well. Children need daily contact with both their parents, or they end up feeling like distant relatives. It doesn't matter whether or not you have anything important to talk about; what matters is that you show them you care enough to call. If you were home, would you only talk to your kids if you had something important to tell them? Of course not. It's the many hours of shared, inconsequential conversation that makes a family close

After my H left, the counselor told him he should call the kids every day. He called them once, and since "they didn't have much to say," stopped calling them except for logistical reasons. It has been 7 years now, and he sees them at most once a week, and almost never calls them. At the moment they haven't heard from him in two weeks, and I wouldn't be surprised if they don't hear from him for a couple more weeks - and yet he complained to the counselor that I should be reminding our son, who is over 18, to call him (the counselor didn't agree).

My kids would be overjoyed if they had a father who cared enough to call them every day. Please don't take that away from your children.

I think it is wonderful you call them everyday. They will remember that. It shows you want to be involved in their lives. I, too, would jump for joy if my Wh called the boys even every other day.

Suggestion--can you maybe take them to some of their evening activies--or offer to pick them up? That way you'd have the ride home to talk. Your XW might like the help--and you'd get more kid time--without XW listening and maybe making the kids feel awkward.

How about getting them the little kids cell phones. The ones that have only two or three numbers programed in them. That way they can call their mom anytime they want when with you and you can work out a plan with them. This way mom doesn't have to answer the phone and talk to you. Quit trying to control her by getting info from the kids. If the two of you need to discuss something, call her. Don't talk to her on your child's phone or ask the kids about something that you should be asking her. If you talk to them, you should know their schedule. If you know they will be home at a certain time, you call them. If something could run late, ask them to call you when they get done. If they forget to call you one night, don't call. I also agree with another poster's suggestion that you help out taking them to activities.

thanks for the encouragement.

some replies.

they almost never call me back if I leave messages. So leaving a message is useless unless I am giving up for the night and just leave a message saying goodnight, I love you.

the problem with calling them at night is trying to hit that sweet spot of time between when they get home and when they go to bed. I only have about a 15min window of opportunity when I can call and they will answer. And, that 15min is a moving target that I have to guess.

The oldest does have a cell phone but its only on when the STBXW is not with her. So calling that cell is useless as its never on.

o, and I am not trying to contol the wife. I just wish she had kept going the day she came to my office and dumped off the kids and car seat like excess baggage, told me it was over and she was leaving and didn't know where she was going. Life would be so much simpler if she had kept on going instead of coming back. I had the biggest sense of relief of my life that day when she left.

My issue is that I know I lived in fear of her and I know how the kids react to her, they live in fear of making her mad. The reason I ask the kids about the situation at the house is that I have proof that she was abusive to me and I want the kids to have a stressfree home life if possible. I pray for their sake that she gets better with me out.

People that know what has gone on and is going on are worried about the kids too. She is very good at putting on a wonderful public show, but then behind closed doors its totally different.

Spilling milk, or getting a B on a test can cause serious fear in my kids. Not getting homework done quick enough or trying to meet unreasonable expectations causes total meltdown in my kids cause of fear.

that is a good idea on helping during the week. I just wish me the X could work together in a reasonable fashion. Its worth trying tho.

thanks for the replies.