My wife and I have been separated for a year. She's been living, with our three sons,in Missouri to be near her mom.I am stationed in California. We separated due to her multiple affairs while I was deployed and the two months I was home. She refused to give me a divorce last year because she believed in us. I just wanted to trust her again.I just wanted to have her cut off her relationship with the guys she had affairs with. I also wanted her to achieve the goals she set for herself. One was to finish school, which she did. She even graduated with her mother. The next was for her to start police academy, she was supposed to start in last October. She couldn't due to money. I wanted her to move back out here so that we can work together to rebuild our family. She again refused because of the police academy classes starting January. Now she is insisting on a divorce, and pushing for one right away. I accused her of meeting someone new. She finally fessed up. It is a friend she "likes". That was Friday March 3, it's now Tuesday March 7 and according to her, it's a lot more than that. She now says she's ready to give the guy a house key and that the guy is ready to fill my shoes as a father figure. Anyone can imagine how I feel, hurt , betrayed and even more. I just dont know what to do. I will be visiting for leave in a few weeks.How should I handle this situation. My heart is again broken, and I just cant stand another guy standing in where I belong. I feel that she is getting taken advantage of due to my service in the military and the absence of me. She has recently been diagnosed as depressed by her therapist. I just think she's crazy for not "working on herself" .Isn't it a bad idea for her to start a new relationship? I'm not ready to close the door on this marraige. What should I do?There are more details, let me know if you have any questions. This gets complicated, very complicated.

Me: 30
Wife: 24
Sons: 4, 3, 6 months
married 4 years, separated 1 year.

Archangel,

You need to go see your Senior Leadership immediately. Your options of returning for the sake of your childern may be limited depending on your NEC/MOS (job code). Do you have any support structure or family in MO that can assist you?

Is the house owned by you, or in your name?

Will they give you a few weeks leave so you can return to Missouri to begin working on custody issues?

I have worked with folks who had simular problems that ended up receiving Hardship discharges, or temporary relocation due to the other parent being unstable.

Again, first and foremost inform your chain of command.

I leave to visit out there on the 17th of March for a week. I have no support out there from her mother(expected), she is also going through a divorce. She is renting an apartment , it is in her name but the money is coming from me to pay for it all.She recently got a job, so my income has been paying for everything the last few months. I'm worried about my sons seeing what is happening. All they know is their dad is "fighting monsters" at work.Apparently this guy wants to step in and be a "father figure" to them.I just feel robbed of my paternal rights. I dont know who this guy is, all I know is he's 24 and lived with his mom, had no car, no job. I just think he is a "user" and I cant stand by and see my family get used.He's making all these promises that he'll be the one for her when I already know he's doomed. I just feel that she wants a divorce so that she can make the affair public and somehow save face. She already considers them "serious" boyfriend and girlfriend. This all makes me sick. I am just in disbelief that exactly what happened before is happening again. I dont want to give up but my heart cant handle this pain. My spirit is all that is left to be broken.

I understand you pain, really I do.

Does your COC know why you are taking leave? They need to be aware of what's going on. Especially considering you have no support locally for you kids.

I have no idea of the leagalities involved, but seems to me you need to seek legal support to get a grasp on just what can be done to stop a stranger from moving in to the house your WIFE and KIDS live in.

At a minimum it needs to be legally documented so if and when a custody battle becomes an issue.

Back to your M, It sounds to me that she is what is referred to as a serial cheater. You can work on saving your marriage, but I think you need to focus on your kids well being first.

Where are you stationed at?

Camp Pendleton, California. I do wish they were here.

Yes, when she said she was "thinking" about giving the guy a key the the house, I was worried and I still am. I'm not sure how I am going to handle the situation out there. I know one thing that I've explained to her before. If things didn't work out between us , any guy lays a hand on my sons, intimidates them, it will be handled by me. The "serial cheather" theory is right on, she told me about her past boyfriends, and she had cheated on ALL of them. When I met her, I though I could be the one, and I was, for awhile. I suppose her past affected the way I trusted her. I have made many accusations in the past, but it was when the "single-life" behavior began when things turned for the worst. Seems like it was a mistake to join the military, I dont think I'd be here right now if that was the case.To top it off, she's the one that took me to the damn recruiter.

She seems to be taking care of my sons. She also seems to call me consistently during the day. Of course I call her as well. She still insists she doesn't want to be married. She also said that I "make her sick". I know I've said mean things to her but can it justify an affair? She has said she is lost and confused but today knows that she needs that divorce. I'm going to legal right now to figure this out.

Anyone got any advice on how I should carry myself when I go to visit?

Honestly I don't think you have any chance with her if you remain in the military. She sounds like she would have difficulty controlling herself if you were with her 24/7.

Factor in deployments, etc... Not good.

The "you make me sick" comments are to be expected. It's text book, and ignore it. She needs to hate you to continue this fantasy she is living without interuption.

You need to have your Sh*t in one sock when you arrive. Know your legal rights, have a plan, and maintain your composure. Do not argue with her or get egged into arguement. She will try, and shut her down when it happens.

Read all you can on here. Not just the forums, go to the links on the main page.

If you want to try to make your M work (and I would understand not wanting to) tell her you love her, but will not allow a man to live in the same home as your kids and you WIFE, or be allowed in for that matter. But your primary concern is the welfare of the kids, and you will take whatever action is required to ensure thier well being.

In short be; Firm, Responsible, Loving, most important in control.

Under no circumstances appear weak, or vulnerable.

Have you spoken with your Gunney?

Hello, thanks for the advice. I've talked to my SSgt about that matter and he recommends moving her back here. It seems like this is very common in the military( thought we were invicible). W

When I do visit out there, Ive contemplated handling the situation in many different ways. I know that I cannot argue with her, it is pointless and she has already threatened to call the police( restraining order?)

There is also a part of me that doesn't know if I'll "snap" if I see that guy around. I mainly struggle because I know that none of this would ever had happened had I just been there.I just feel that these guys have taken advantage of her.Especially this one, the last time I checked, no job, no car, lives with his mom. Apparently he's got a car and a job now though. I guess it's the divorce that determines whether he'll have a new mom.

How do I handle the guy she's ahving an affair with?

With her, it's almost like it's nothing new. I honeslty dont believe the guy will be around in six months. If he is, it's just so she can have sex with him. That's anohter erason I dont want to let go, I know she's better than what she has shown. Then again, I think letting go of her is the only way she'll truly see the type of man that I am.

Do you think that is the best thing at this point?

Devildog, I feel for you my brother. I was at Lejeune when my first wife left now I'm going through something similar.

Whatever you do, do not engage this man in any way that will jeopardize your military career. You and I both know that guys like this are intimidated by someone in the military but for whatever reason they all seem to do what they can to provoke you and get you committed to an altercation. Stay away from him if at all possible.

If you're having problems getting enough leave time to handle this, get in touch with the chaplain. That may not be a bad idea anyways, many have a lot of experience dealing with situations like this.

Not sure what your MOS is, but you may need to face the reality that if you plan on becoming a single parent and fighting for custody, you may have to look into a lat move or a B-billet so you can be with your kid.

First thing you have to do however is make up your mind about whether or not you want to fight for your marriage and your family. Getting your kid back with you may help wake the wife up. The threat of losing the kids helped wake mine up.

Make sure your entire COC is aware of your situation and that they have your back. If you can't get the answers you want, request mast, do whatever it takes but get someone on your side that will allow you to focus more time on getting this worked out.

If you need to talk, I'm here.


Semper Fi bro,

FN

FourthNail,
Thanks for the suppport.This guy has no idea what is going through my mind. I understand that they'll try to provoke me, but I also understand what self-defense is. I will handle the situation as it comes.
I only have about a year left but I'm stuck with a unit deploying in September. I undersatnd that if I have to deploy, it is absolutely over. I really didn't believe she'd make it living away from me, after all, she didn't when I was deployed. I just thought that maybe, just maybe, she can hold her family together, and see what she did was wrong.

I would love to have my sons but I doubt I can get custody unless she abandons them. It's really sad to say this but I only think she has them because the paycheck she receives from me. After all, she stuck them all in one room so that she can have her privacy. Just never seemed right to have a 4, 3 and 6 month old in the same room.

As for fighting for my wife. I decided last night that I am going to honor her request to "let her go". It's a sad, sad thing beacuse what she doesn't know is that once my back is turned, I'll never look back for her. That's why I have been holding out hope. Even after the pain she has put me through, I thought that maybe she would get enough help through counseling and support from her mother. Again, I was wrong.

It just seems that the demands of the military counteract exactly what we are fighting for. We fight for the lives of those that we are closest too. In this day, the fact we leave them to fend for themselves causes confusion. I just wish she understood that I was fighting for the rest of our lives, together. I wish I could change the past and the decisions that have caused me to be here right now.

AA,

Expect your decission to flip flop many times over regarding letting her go -vs- trying to fix things. One moment you will hate what she has done, next you will remember how it used to be, then come the kids, ect...

2 things that need to happen is get your head right, and make sure those kids are taken care of.

You need to tell your W. This guy better disappear for the week or 2 your in town. You know damn well the last thing you need filed while your home is a police report. How much damage can that do to you in a custody battle? Not to mention I'm sure the last thing you want when you come off leave is mast.

You are all absolutely correct, I'd rather avoid that situation so that there are no dire consequences.I'll wait until next year, after I get my DD-214. People have to see that this is not acceptable. I have actually talked her into allowing me to stay at the aparment now. She has made up certain "ground rules". Not sure if they are hers or her new friends. I think she is more up and down than I am.

I talked to her this morning, talked to my sons. When I ended the call, she asked who the girl in the background was ( was the cashier at the chow hall). I guess she got a little pissy, made a comment that it was alright to have friends if I could. I'm not sure how far they have gone, but in the end, I dislike the entire thing. Yes, I have this idea in my head about what the world is supposed to be like. I just hope to God that I can raise my sons, instill in them, give them a quality life so that this type of thing does not happen to them.

I've always knew that she was wired to "need" someone there as a companion. I just cant believe that I became less than someone else in her life.

Why do people do this to each other>? How can you throw away a lifetime of dreams, goals, for something that is only temporary?

Maybe it's the values and morals instilled in me that make this so hard to understand?

Well, it's late. I just talked to my WW on the internet,messenging. We were speaking in 3rd person, talking about our spouses, kind of strange but we didn't argue at least. She kept saying how I never showed her enough love, I treated her like dirt and spoke to her like garbage. I admit we had a very bad argument a few days before Valentine's day. Much of it was about finances, her account is ALWAYS in the negative. I felt she was only calling me for money and felt the emotional withdrawal from me. That usually means she is becoming emotionally involved with someone else. She falt out denied it, a month later, it is obvious. She put new pictures for everyone to see of her new boyfriend who makes her "feel" good and beautiful. She took them a few days after our fight. She captioned " she found love". What a joke. It went from nobody, to a friend she liked to a guy she loves. It makes me sick. I keep reminding her that she needs to find that beauty and happiness in herself. I couldn't do it, her dad, her mom, her grandma, nobody can but herself.

I know I am divorcing her now, but the damn pain I feel. I dont think people can understand how hard it is to be doing a job that I cant quit. TO be stuck here helpless while these demons swoop down and steal the heart that once belonged to me. She cant see that it's my absence that is making her so vulnerable.

A comment she made was interesting after I called her. She said she was alone, the boys sleeping in the next room. I asked her if her friend was there. She said that he was out with the guys, supposedly. Wow, there is already distrust in their relationship.

I know this guy is a "user". My WW had a a few thousand dollars this last two months. She is again in the negative. Funny how she keeps asking me for money. I tell her now all I need to give her is child support. I made the comment to ask her "new man".

There is just so much pain. I dealt with this before from her and a year later she is doing it again. I look at the picture of my 6 month old and cry. I love my babies so much,I've tried the last year to deal with her infidelity and enough is enough. She's actually playing the whole "let her go and she will come back" [censored]. I wont look back for her, I cant deal with her leaving me just so she can sleep around.

How do I deal with this pain!? HOw do I "let her go" knowing that it's going to be more pain for her. I do care about her so much and I know she has a mental disease.

So much pain, so mnay emotions, all I know is that my sons need to be protected beacause my WW is too selfish.

Arch,

The pain is devistating. The only thins you should be concentrating on are those kids, and yourself. I honestly don't think there is anything you can do for her, especially long distance. To continue attempts to reach her now will only draw out your pain longer.

I would be willing to bet once the "love" she is feeling wares off (which sounds like it won't be long), she will look to fall back on to her safety net, YOU.

Again you need to focus on getting the support of the USMC for the sake of those kids. I would also be talking to a lawyer.

Just,
thanks for the advice again. I talked to a lawyer, they said to cut child support down to ONLY what I am advised to pay her, which is the minium. It seems like I was supporting her behavior. The light will shine down on her when she realizes that my hard earned money is what keeps her afloat. It's terrible to see that she is allowing some guy to live off her children's money. Again, she isn't working. There is so much damn pain. I actually went to see a counselor again. It helped ease my mind a bit.

I talked to my sons this morning,the oldest at 4 years told me he was there. I asked to talk to the guy, my baby said "he doesn't like you". When I hear that from MY son, I get livid, pissed, so much more than anyone can think. How can someone tell a 4 year old that they dont like their dad. The things I want to do to the guy. Just let him give me a reason.

I checked the sex offender registry,nothing about him, thankfully. I'll probably do a background check when I get out there.See what kind of criminal this guy is. This behavior is sickening by my WW. I know if it's not him it'll be someone else. I guess I better invest that 29.99.

Well, I'll be out there this Saturday, I have too much to lose to do what I want to the guy. I dont plan on trying to work anything out with my WW except signing dissolution papers.I will spend all the time I can with my three babies. My big mans first game is Saturday. I will be the best father in the world!

I will be working on finding closure in this marriage.Thank you all for your advice. I wont risk what I have left of my life.I will build a future for my sons. I will be happy.

Just checking in on you. A hope you made the best of your trip, and time with your kids. That must have been heart wrenching to hear from your 4yo the OM was there, and you have no means of removing them from the situation.

Try to stay focused on yourself, and the kids!