I have reason to believe my brother in law (my H's sister's husband) is having an affair. He forwarded a "joke" to my H with a note attached to it that seemed as if the author was his OW (questioning why he hadn't called her, etc.) My bro in law obviously didn't see the note (somehow) and just passed the joke on.

Now, my sister in law (H's sister) is not one that neither my H nor I get along with. In addition, my H and I are in recovery (a little over 6 months now). My sister in law new about my H's affair before I did and chose not to tell me. Also, after she knew I found out, she refused to "get in the middle" of anything.

I am not sure if we (me or H) should tell sister in law as I'm not really "sure" her H is having an A. I just feel the email I saw looked suspiciously like he may be. Also, she didn't want to get involved in telling me when her brother (my H) had his affair. If I get involved in her business, she may feel I shouldn't.

I am really torn. Advice?

Why don't you just forward the joke to her, note and all? Let her draw her own conclusions...
JJ

I guess I could do that; however, I don't email her and IMO, if I did that, it would be like I was "trying" to be subtle. The way I look at it, either I tell her or I don't.

Know what I mean?

Have your H forward the joke...note and all...

What is your H's take on the whole thing, btw?

Mrs. Wondering

You know, the "wisdom" I had always heard on issues like this (from Oprah-esque shows) was that you should mind your own business. I agreed with this entirely, until I found out what it was like to be a BS.

My current STRONG opinion is that if I have what appears to be incriminating I will pass it on to the potential BS. It is then up to her/him to decide what to do about the information. If an affair is ignored, it will not be because of me.

-CSJ

My H feels we should "mind our business". However, in his defense, neither one of us actually gets along with her. I am, however, leaning toward my H forwarding her the email. I'll discuss it with him once again.

I'm still thinking about what I should do. I must admit, though, that it would be easier for both of us to inform her if we actually liked her. It's a shame to say, but true.

Still weighing my options but would like to hear more suggestions.

How clear was the attached note? That might help you decide. But even if you know for certain, it is a tough call.

I found myself in a similar situation years ago. In my situation it was my best friend and her husband. I suspected and confronted him. He confirmed but refused to disclose and admit. I gave him a deadline and he let it pass. I told her. He convinced her I was meddling and trying to cause trouble. She stopped speaking to me for years. We reconnected many years later after she divorced the guy. She told me it was easier to blame me than him.

Since when does doing the RIGHT THING depend on "Liking someone"

My sister in law (since we really don't get along well) may feel I'm meddling. I was in a situation like this years ago. My friend's H was cheating on her. I actually caught him, told her and now, some 20 years later, she still doesn't talk to me. He told her I was just jealous and making up stories and she believed him. I don't want to cause a riff in the family if I'm wrong. Especially since the email is suspicious and I don't have proof. Here's what the email said:

Please call me and let me know what is happening. I gather nothing. At
least leave a message on my work phone. I am not in the office today
either.What is up with you that you cannot just let me know what is
happening??????????????

As you can see: suspicious but pretty general, at the same time.

Well it isn't 100% incriminating is it. Your Husband should forward it to his sister I would say. Let her decide.

I would have dearly loved one of the many people who knew about my wife's affair to fill me in. Those people are beneath contempt so far as I am concerned. I have a different circle of friends now.

Would you want someone to tell you if you knew your husband was cheating (again)?

Yes, you're right, BK, I am forever grateful to the person who pointed me in the right direction to find that my H was having an affair.

It's just the nature of my relationship with my sister in law, my H's reluctance to get involved and finally, possibly causing a riff in the family if I'm incorrect. My H won't forward the email to his sister. That leaves me to be the one to drop the bomb and I'm not sure how to go about it.

I am just so torn, as I know what is the "right" thing to do.

You can do it anonomously. First, print the email, then mark out anything that reveals either you or your husband's email addresses with a permanent black marker. The make a zerox copy of the email and mail it to her. You may even want to highlight the suspicious part so that she won't miss it.

Just one idea.

Who

I think forwarding the email is a good idea. It is a joke afterall, right? Someone forwarded it to your husband and he is just passing it along to his sister. Usually if I forward a joke I just put something like...This is funny, enjoy! That way you aren't confronting the issue but you are also not ignoring it. She can read the email on the bottom and decide for herself what to do.