I installed the spyware that confirmed my suspicions. D-Day as you seem to call it around here. WS was having an EA that hadn't progressed very far, but had gotten mildly physical twice (although the correspondence I found out of context sounded worse that it actually turned out to be). Apparently, WS had made the decision to end the EA the same day I found out, but was convinced to not mention anything to me (who knows how long), because it never got "serious".

Anyway, I charged head first and confronted. With some defensiveness at first WS broke down and told me what happened. I am the stay at home spouse and this happened once on a biz trip and another time when OP was in town. OP works out of another office, but they work together closely. I have accepted a great deal of the responsiblity in what has happened (maybe too much), but I recognize that I haven't made life much fun for either of us lately.

The story is way too long to get into in full right now, but to summarize: It happened, I belive it is over, I was not meeting several important ENs (she wasn't really either), they are still in contact (due to financial circumstances leaving the company or transferring is simply not possible right now), we are in therapy, she says she is committed (I believe this, but oftent don't "feel" it). Also have 2 yo DD.

Flash Forward to tonight: WS is currently away on first overnight biz trip since D-Day at a hotel. I was informed by WS that OP is on this biz trip (along with 20 or so others all staying at same hotel). Have emailed and spoken on phone a couple of times tonight, but during three hour stretch (during dinner) I lost contact and proceeded to spin down into a really bad state of worry and doubt. Stupid thoughts like Is she with him talking right now? Betraying me right now? etc. were the order of the evening. I thought I had mostly put the situation behind me, but realize now I have a long way to go.

It seems like there are a lot of people further down the road here than I am in similar situations, so I think I was just writing this to hear that it can work out. I don't think I will ever get the trust back that I had, but from what I have read here maybe my previous infinite trust in WS was actually a bad thing and in some ways was taking for granted the fact that WS is actually a vibrant, intelligent, desirable person with needs who is actually capable of going elsewhere to fulfill them.

I hope that my situation is salvageable and I certainly realize that my situation isn't nearly as bad as some, but it sures feels like the end of my world to me.

[Forgive any breaches of protocol, as I am very new here (born today) and still getting up to speed with the massive volumes of helpful articles and posts, but I was feeling really messed up tonight and wanted to reach out].

Thanks for reading,

WalkingForest

Welcome to MB.

The feelings of anxiety that you are experiencing are a very normal reaction.

I can not over emphasize the importance of NC. As long as they are in contact this EA (don't be surprised to find out more and more as time goes on) will not ever end.

One of them is going to need to leave the company / transfer to another state. It will eventually come down to this simple choice: Does she want to work on her M or does she want to work for the company. It is a mutually exclusive choice as long as the OM works there.

Stay Strong!

I appreciate your response. I agree on the NC, but can't seem to win that one. The problem is I believe her and until there are other financial options available there is simply no choice. Plus her therapist is against me on this one, so it is pretty tough to make a convincing argument.

I am also weighing pros and cons of informing OMW of the situation. I hear the party line around here and understand the logic, as it would certainly make my life easier to have two people watching out for it, but still having a really tough time with the idea.

Get her a new therepist! This one obvisiouly does NOT understand the dynamics of an A. As long as there is ANY contact she will be unable to fully reconnect / reattach to you. WW will always have an "out" if things don't work out with you. As a matter of fact, as long as OM is around, she'll be very reluctant to try and reconnect with you.

Read around on the other boards a bit. You will see hundreds of examples of WS's who woun't (willingly or otherwise) cut contact with the OP. This situation can drag on for YEARS if you let it. During that time the A will likely flare up and die down again. It may flare up to the point that she decides to leave.

A marriage is between 2 people not 3. You must win the NC battle. You may not win it right away, but you will have to win it eventually.



What you are talking about is Exposure. It is one of our most potent weapon for trying to break up an A. Affairs thrive in darkness. Exposure puts a spotlight on it and causes great pressure on the A. Many affairs will end shortly after exposure.

Exposure is best done in one large blow. DO NOT give any indication that you may do this to WW or OM. If you do that will give them time to prepare and "spin" the exposure to lessen its effects.

If you're thinking of doing something like this let us know and we'll advise you on how to do it for the greatest effect.

Keep posting and we'll help you through this.

Stay Strong!

I just listened to the Harley's webcast radio show (which airs 3-6 pm CST, Mon-Fri and you can easily get to by clicking the link on the bottom right hand side of this very page). Anyway, he advised a wife in your situation whose husband could not yet quit that either the Husband NOT go on any more "business trips" OR she goes with him. It may not be financial feasible but it certainly is more feasible than divorce.

Keep up your monitoring. Stop trusting a WS. Until they are fully repentent you are not to believe ANYTHING you hear and only 50% of what you see. Get a voice activated digital recorder (Radio Shack) and hide it in her car. You'll get all the cell phone conversations with OM or just her friends in the know that you'll need to confirm Contact or No Contact.

Further, move this discussion over to Infidelity - GQII as it is by far the most active board in this community.

Finally, there have been 2 huge threads on GQII about exposure to OP's spouses. One by Suzet and one by 2BNormal. They can give you insight. It is your moral obligation to let this other woman know a secret about HER own life besides the added benefit that you will help bust up the affair.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.-Your conselor is a quack...don't waste anymore money on him/her. Listen to the webcast, try to call in for free advice or call the Harleys for a phone consultation. We don't work for them here we just KNOW they are the pinnacle of marriage counselors in the USA. (get the books too)

Inform the other man's wife, and the two of you need to go to marriage counseling that is pro-marriage. She needs to have no contact at all, or there is always the danger of an affair. Also it is to protect your feelings - as it can't be comfortable to have them staying in a hotel together.

Totall agree with Mr Wondering and Believer. Bet you had a great sleep that night imagining the of them together in a hotel.

Please consider posting a new thread in GQ2 as Mr Wondering suggested.

There are far more people on there who post much more than here.

BK

WalkingForest,

You still out there?